A little advice needed on boyfriend issue

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    So I need a little advice. My boyfriend and I went out on a wild night with what seemed to be 30 other people. He almost always makes a fool of himself when he drinks heavily and this makes me look bad in turn. I always just chalked it up to youthful exuberance.

    Last weekend was really bad though. He had to go home. I saw it. So I took him to the metro station. He thought he left his keys on the bus and got REALLY belligerent with me, blaming me for him losing his keys, calling me an idiot, and just spewing out a ridiculous amount of venom. In front of people. This was really embarrassing. I was upset. I took him home and the next day he felt really awful, which he should. He knows how abusive my past relationship was and doesn't want to be anything like that with me. He cried when apologizing to me, which is good I guess but I try not to laugh at him when he cries because he scrunches up his face and looks like a monkey when he cries. But I digress.

    I told him I am never going drinking with him again and that I'm tired of him acting like a fool in public when drinking. It happens whenever we go to bars or clubs, and I'm sick of it. He said he understands and that he will do better.

    I want to know if you guys think I'm in the right to put that boundery down with him.
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    Feb 03, 2009 3:32 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidI want to know if you guys think I'm in the right to put that boundery down with him.

    Yes, absolutely. For yourself and also for him. He may already have a serious alcohol problem that needs to be addressed, or he may develop one if he continues like this. Either he gets a handle on it, with your help & understanding, or you should walk.

    And do really HELP him. I made the mistake of simply nagging one BF about his drinking, and it made things worse. Check various online sites about how problem drinkers can be helped by friends & family. What most need is total support, not shouting at them. Best of luck.
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    Feb 03, 2009 9:36 PM GMT
    Ditto. You've got to stick up for yourself and not put yourself into situations that you know will be bad. Good for you!
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    Feb 03, 2009 9:48 PM GMT
    You may have done your friend a very BIG favor. You've intervened, in a passive way, saying that you don't want to be around his bad behavior any longer.

    For some, this negative reaction is enough for them to "hit bottom." For others, it takes much more to hit bottom.

    My brother was going blind from alcohol induced glaucoma. He lost his job. He lost his first wife. He abandoned his first son. He was nearly 80 pounds overweight. My folks paid to have him go through "treatment" twice. Nothing stuck. Only when he lost his commercial driver's license from his poor eyesight did he sit the beer down. Ironically, he now owns two very successful taverns, and, mostly, doesn't drink.

    It's so VERY IMPORTANT to not be all-accepting of any kind of behavior. You've done the best thing you could have done. You didn't throw him out, but, you told him his behavior is unacceptable, and that you don't want to be around it (basically pick and choose). You rightly judged that enough was enough and most would concur it was a very good call. Sound judgment is the hallmark of maturity.

    The attitude of being politically correct at all costs is bullshit.

    You stepped up, in a leadership role, and said "ENOUGH!"

    Whether, or not, he'll chose the booze, over you, is another story, but, you've made him aware of where he's headed.

    You refused to be an enabler.

    Good for you.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 03, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    Yes, you're totally right to put down that boundary. Does he get this way only when he goes out partying, or does he get this way during the week, too?

    If you have an issue with a past abusive relationship, I think you need to try to be more aggressive in preventing a repeat. The fact he got so drunk that he berated you is not a good sign. Hopefully it's a one-time occurrence, but if not then he needs to see that he has a drinking problem or you need to break up with him for your own mental health.
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    Feb 03, 2009 10:56 PM GMT
    Kudos my man!! stick to your guns and dont let him persuade you to change your mind because he will. People like that like to push buttons and he will want to get drunk like that again....dont put up with it.
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    Feb 03, 2009 11:02 PM GMT
    There's no reason ANYONE should EVER make you feel the way that he does/did. Boundries are definitely needed here and if can't abide to them, you need to let him go.
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    Feb 03, 2009 11:07 PM GMT
    Good for you! ....Next tell him to get counselling if he can control himself even when you are not around.
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    Feb 03, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    Thanks for the replies.

    Just a clarification...this has never happened before, the drunken verbal lashing. And I put that boundry up literally the next day, and I was pretty forceful about it. If it happens again, I'll end things. I didn't say that to him, but I am saying it to myself. I'm not having another abusive relationship. That first one fucked me up real good. No repeats
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Feb 03, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said If it happens again, I'll end things.


    Make sure you stick to that.