When a "friend" constantly ignores you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2015 11:10 PM GMT
    So, I have a crush on my straight friend as many of you know, but lately I've been trying to get closer to his brother who is actually gay.

    I'm 25, he's 21. He's good looking, although a bit too small/skinny for me, but I can get over it. He has a really nice and handsome face.

    He seems to like me as a friend, but he never really goes out of his way to hang out with me. I'm always the one texting first, extending invitations, etc. I've known him for 2.5 years and I can probably count on 1 hand the amount of times he has texted me first.

    I texted him this past weekend on Friday asking him if his job was hiring for my brother and he never responded. I texted again Saturday, no response. And being that I am desperate and pathetic I texted him on Sunday asking to hang out. I know he has read receipts on and he never "read" my text, so I know he either ignored it or deleted the chat.

    Anyway, to avoid being tempted to text him again I deleted the chat as well. He's a bit cocky, and brags about how he fucked some of his ex-boyfriend's friends after they broke up. I think he likes being chased and I know he loves attention. The sad part is that I do think there is a nice person in there.

    I don't have any gay friends so I thought it would be nice to have one, but he just doesn't go out of his way to hang out with me so I'm kind of giving up. I thought maybe one day there would be potential to be more than friends too, but I guess I'm learning my lesson.

    Any advice when it comes to people like this? Do I just stop texting/reaching out to him until he reaches out to me first?
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Nov 25, 2015 11:16 PM GMT
    You already know the answer to this question. Why continue to chase someone who doesn't reciprocate?

    Find someone who appreciates your attention and move on...

  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Nov 25, 2015 11:36 PM GMT
    It sounds like you're confusing "friend" with acquaintance.

    Friendships are reciprocal (healthy ones, anyway); acquaintances are casual. In one, the person is a part of your life, cares about your welfare and well being and invites you into his life (i.e., spends time with you, makes plans with you, etc.) Acquaintances are much more casual and not necessarily connected to you emotionally in any deep, enduring way. They see you at social events, maybe plan things with you from time to time.

    The bigger question is: are you trying to get closer to the younger brother for any unselfish reason? Your comment about how he's a bit skinny doesn't sound like you like him as a friend.(I mean, you've written, "He's good looking, although a bit too small/skinny for me, but I can get over it. He has a really nice and handsome face." Why is that a reason to be friends with someone?) It sounds more like you're sizing him up. That's not friendship, that's (ulterior) motive. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but what you've written sounds unlike any reason I would want someone to want me for a friend.

    Regardless, it would appear he's okay with the way things are, and he isn't looking to spend more time with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2015 11:45 PM GMT
    mcbrion saidIt sounds like you're confusing "friend" with acquaintance.

    Friendships are reciprocal (healthy ones, anyway); acquaintances are casual. In one, the person is a part of your life, cares about your welfare and well being and invites you into his life (i.e., spends time with you, makes plans with you, etc.) Acquaintances are much more casual and not necessarily connected to you emotionally in any deep, enduring way. They see you at social events, maybe plan things with you from time to time.

    The bigger question is: are you trying to get closer to the younger brother for any unselfish reason? Your comment about how he's a bit skinny doesn't sound like you like him as a friend.(I mean, you've written, "He's good looking, although a bit too small/skinny for me, but I can get over it. He has a really nice and handsome face." Why is that a reason to be friends with someone?) It sounds more like you're sizing him up. That's not friendship, that's (ulterior) motive. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but what you've written sounds unlike any reason I would want someone to want me for a friend.

    Regardless, it would appear he's okay with the way things are, and he isn't looking to spend more time with you.


    originally, I was looking to be more than friends with. Basically, I had a mindset of "if we become more than friends, great, if not, then oh well."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2015 12:25 AM GMT
    When a friend constantly ignores you he is no friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2015 2:05 AM GMT
    mystery905 saidYou already know the answer to this question. Why continue to chase someone who doesn't reciprocate?

    Find someone who appreciates your attention and move on...


    Yep. The truth can be hard to face if we really want someone/something.
  • Kairr

    Posts: 239

    Nov 26, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
    I feel that I'm in similar situation and, therefore, could emphasize.
    The most common advice I've been told, which has already come up in this thread, is to just back off and move on. Logically it makes perfect sense. Why kept trying to befriend someone who isn't interested? That being said, it is difficult for me to give up what I already had and move onto something I haven't discovered yet. I tend to be distracted by how good things COULD be if all works out than if I Should even count on it to happen.

    In my case, one of the friends that I loved, cared, and held dearly, for instance, simply had enough in his life that he needed no more than an acquaintance. And with me kept trying to be included in his life like I do to him had only resulted in problematic outcomes(and I depressed, feeling left out), one-way cares, birthday wish, and gifts. Texts and invitations were almost never responded although I wake up early morning to reply his.

    How much strength it would take me to voluntarily cut off someone this important to me and move on? I've yet to find out..
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Nov 26, 2015 5:24 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]mcbrion said[/cite]It sounds like you're confusing "friend" with acquaintance.

    Friendships are reciprocal (healthy ones, anyway); acquaintances are casual. In one, the person is a part of your life, cares about your welfare and well being and invites you into his life (i.e., spends time with you, makes plans with you, etc.) Acquaintances are much more casual and not necessarily connected to you emotionally in any deep, enduring way. They see you at social events, maybe plan things with you from time to time.

    Nice delineation. This is helpful, something to keep in mind so that I enjoy people more at whatever level they are available and I am available. Some people I enjoy at a party and have no urge to see them more than that unless I learn something that intrigues me or makes me curious about them.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Nov 26, 2015 5:29 PM GMT
    I've got a brother who's the same way. I pretty much decided to move on even from him. I have good friends who care for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2015 5:46 PM GMT
    Well, try ugly guys for awhile.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Nov 26, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    You think there's a good person hidden underneath his persona. If a person states who he is endlessly..That's who he is. It's like you don't have a clue about reading guys correctly. I don't mean this as cruel but somethings off in regards to your mindset. Have you considered therapy? You have obsessive tendencies with guys. Consider talking to somebody.
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    Nov 26, 2015 6:00 PM GMT
    mybud saidYou think there's a good person hidden underneath his persona. If a person states who he is endlessly..That's who he is. It's like you don't have a clue about reading guys correctly. I don't mean this as cruel but somethings off in regards to your mindset. Have you considered therapy? You have obsessive tendencies with guys. Consider talking to somebody.


    I have OCD and have had it since I was 14. It affects all areas of my life, not just relationships. I'm in therapy now. I guess I should stop talking about it on here and save it for therapy.
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    Nov 27, 2015 11:37 PM GMT
    ant811 said
    mybud saidYou think there's a good person hidden underneath his persona. If a person states who he is endlessly..That's who he is. It's like you don't have a clue about reading guys correctly. I don't mean this as cruel but somethings off in regards to your mindset. Have you considered therapy? You have obsessive tendencies with guys. Consider talking to somebody.


    I have OCD and have had it since I was 14. It affects all areas of my life, not just relationships. I'm in therapy now. I guess I should stop talking about it on here and save it for therapy.



    Just don't say anything, or contact him. Don't underestimate the power of silence. Especially now when we are all so use to multitasking, & rarely not having people, media, or answers instantly to gratify. Silence really can drive people nuts after awhile as the not knowing allows your mind to go anywhere. Honestly, just look what HIS silence is doing to you! Plus if he is just not interested in you then you have nothing to lose. However if he does a little, or is on the fence, just watch what silence, & some time can do for you. While you're moving your thoughts, & self on, possibly meeting others, he could end up coming to you, or even pursuing once you genuinely are distracted by life, & give this a rest. TRUST ME! I've seen it happen plenty of times.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 28, 2015 1:04 AM GMT
    Gscepi917 said
    ant811 said
    mybud saidYou think there's a good person hidden underneath his persona. If a person states who he is endlessly..That's who he is. It's like you don't have a clue about reading guys correctly. I don't mean this as cruel but somethings off in regards to your mindset. Have you considered therapy? You have obsessive tendencies with guys. Consider talking to somebody.


    I have OCD and have had it since I was 14. It affects all areas of my life, not just relationships. I'm in therapy now. I guess I should stop talking about it on here and save it for therapy.



    Just don't say anything, or contact him. Don't underestimate the power of silence. Especially now when we are all so use to multitasking, & rarely not having people, media, or answers instantly to gratify. Silence really can drive people nuts after awhile as the not knowing allows your mind to go anywhere. Honestly, just look what HIS silence is doing to you! Plus if he is just not interested in you then you have nothing to lose. However if he does a little, or is on the fence, just watch what silence, & some time can do for you. While you're moving your thoughts, & self on, possibly meeting others, he could end up coming to you, or even pursuing once you genuinely are distracted by life, & give this a rest. TRUST ME! I've seen it happen plenty of times.


    Excellent advice.

    People are put off by anything which seems like desperation or neediness, such as repeated messaging when there are no responses. A person might be tempted to think that the other party would be flattered by the enthusiasm; but, no: Some are frightened, some are just plain turned off by it. And think about it: Do you really want to get involved with someone who is so uncaring that he doesn't even respond to a friendly message? Best of luck to you finding someone who appreciates your attention!
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    Nov 28, 2015 2:17 AM GMT
    Gscepi917 said
    ant811 said
    mybud saidYou think there's a good person hidden underneath his persona. If a person states who he is endlessly..That's who he is. It's like you don't have a clue about reading guys correctly. I don't mean this as cruel but somethings off in regards to your mindset. Have you considered therapy? You have obsessive tendencies with guys. Consider talking to somebody.


    I have OCD and have had it since I was 14. It affects all areas of my life, not just relationships. I'm in therapy now. I guess I should stop talking about it on here and save it for therapy.



    Just don't say anything, or contact him. Don't underestimate the power of silence. Especially now when we are all so use to multitasking, & rarely not having people, media, or answers instantly to gratify. Silence really can drive people nuts after awhile as the not knowing allows your mind to go anywhere. Honestly, just look what HIS silence is doing to you! Plus if he is just not interested in you then you have nothing to lose. However if he does a little, or is on the fence, just watch what silence, & some time can do for you. While you're moving your thoughts, & self on, possibly meeting others, he could end up coming to you, or even pursuing once you genuinely are distracted by life, & give this a rest. TRUST ME! I've seen it happen plenty of times.


    I've thought about this, and I think you are right. A few weeks ago, I went without texting him for a week or so. When I went to hang out at his brother's, he was there, and mentioned that he thought it was "weird" that I hadn't texted him in a week. So it goes to show that it does cross his mind. But even though he was wondering why I didn't text him, he still didn't reach out to me to see how I was doing or ask what's up (God forbid).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 28, 2015 2:27 AM GMT
    Don't be thirsty. Lol!

    Move on and find someone willing to meet you half way.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Nov 28, 2015 2:54 AM GMT
    I'm sure once you go no contact on him, he will reach out to you.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Nov 28, 2015 5:39 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidDon't be thirsty. Lol!

    Move on and find someone willing to meet you half way.

    Eaxctly.
    Nothing is more of a turn-off than being thirsty.

    Start being cocky and kind of a douch toward him, he'll prob love it.
  • maggass

    Posts: 44

    Nov 30, 2015 2:50 AM GMT
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  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Nov 30, 2015 4:04 AM GMT
    HELLO.
    HE'S NOT INTERESTED.
    Stop wasting your time mooning over somebody who's not interested.
    He's not "the only gay in the village."
    Get out there and find somebody who deserves you.
  • SkeletonKey

    Posts: 24

    Dec 01, 2015 10:41 PM GMT
    My advice is stop and move on. You cant be friends with someone if you are the only one being a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 01, 2015 11:50 PM GMT
    ant811 saidWhen a "friend" constantly ignores you
    Depends on how many "friends" are in on it.

    One example is my only gay friend, who happens to be incredibly annoying most of the time. He's extremely obese and always talks about how he's gonna change it. When he starts that shit, my other friends signal me to grab a bike and go ride with them...which he obviously won't do. Then we'll stay gone for hours on end (usually at the boardwalk having beers).

    So...if it's more than just one friend ignoring you, then you're the problem.