Insecurities/Comparing/self sabotage

  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Nov 26, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    I guess for starters I should say that for the past several years I've been struggling with self-esteem issues. I've been going to therapy for them now for like 6 months, but can't seem to completely break out of my shell with them.

    I have such a hard time when it comes to talking to boys that I think might be "More attractive than me" and when I start to get close with a boy I fuck myself over because I either compare myself to him OR to his ex boyfriends and think "why would he ever want to be with me if I'm not as physically attractive".

    By no means do I think I'm very bad looking, and I have a lot of good emotional qualities that I can bring to the table.. but yet my mind seems to just completely take all the credit out of my good qualities as soon as I start comparing.

    This is honestly so frustrating, I just want to feel confident like I could completely sweep a boy off his feet and no give a shit about how good him or any of his ex boyfriends looked.

    Have any of you went through something similar to this, can you guys offer up any advice about comparing yourself to people you like?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 26, 2015 5:21 PM GMT
    reed1993 said... for the past several years I've been struggling with self-esteem issues. I've been going to therapy for them now for like 6 months, but can't seem to completely break out of my shell...
    find a new health care provider. At $100/hr they grow on trees. A honest provider will excuse you if his treatments are not working.

    Honestly this is a none issue attractive or not its about what people are inside.

    if it is your self love issue i bet you could read up on it. google is friendly to find information that relates to your life and may give you some insight.

  • mybud

    Posts: 13927

    Nov 26, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    Honestly..Comparing yourself with others is a terrible mistake, it's like comparing an apple, orange, and pineapple. They're all different, but it's those differences that make you unique and special. Second, you'll never be able to love another totally until you learn to love yourself...the good..the bad..Everything. Until you find that self-acceptance within yourself, long lasting, loving relationships, will bypass you. Lastly, do the ground work in understanding what has caused these issues pertaining to your low self esteem attitudes. Understanding the source will aid you in changing mindsets that aren't working for you at this time...All the best.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 901

    Nov 26, 2015 9:55 PM GMT
    It takes considerable maturity to resist the temptation of going the 'intuitive' way: comparing...

    Like so many other things in life, you want to learn the technique that will help you overcome this.

    One of the things that the guys are so keen on comparing is the cock size. Sure, some guys are a bit 'bigger' than the rest. And yup, very, very few dudes are quite significantly bigger than the rest of the guys.

    Life teaches even pretty big guys to recognize that there may be a bigger dude competing with them. And he may come out of the blue, too. So, you stick with your guns, and learn to say that you have got what you have got, and that you are making the best out of it, under the circumstances. The dude who is all about the size will never stop looking for his unicorn, anyway, and will always doubt that the 13" is really big enoughicon_rolleyes.gif

    The same applies for the very much debated hotttness issue. God Knows, there are hot dudes out there. But if a dude is only after the looks, he'll never ever stop. The looks are bound to fade, and an even younger, hottter dude may, just may lurking just around the corner.

    When you memorize all of this, you'll get going, remembering that the comparison is useless, and that you are putting a very unique set of features on the table. If a dude thinks that he can score better or that he wants a different mix, there is nothing you can do about it. It is up to him to go on searching.


    Develop a sense of quiet pride about your achievements; whatever these may be.

    Do not go around bragging about your six-pack or about your six figure income or the fluent Spanish that you master or whatever your thing may be. But the folks interested in you will figure this out soon enough. And they will admire you!

    Tell everybody that you are the next door dude. But that you understand that opportunity is dressed in overalls and usually looks like a lot of work. Now, you are not faint at heart, so you grab the bull by the horns, and have a ride...

    Soon enough, you'll learn that nothing succeeds like success.icon_biggrin.gif


  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11421

    Nov 26, 2015 11:02 PM GMT
    First you have to stop referring to them as boys and start referring to them a men. icon_confused.gif
  • badbug

    Posts: 866

    Nov 27, 2015 4:41 AM GMT

    6 months of therapy isn't a long time sadly, so i wouldn't worry so much about your progress...i am sure you are making some.

    There are levels to this, it's great that you seem to understand the basic crux of your problem....that you feel like you are inadequate to sweep someone off of their feet.
    I have probably this same underlying issue to a degree, it's not quite the same manifestation but i can understand what you are going through.

    I think what you need to do, as others have suggested, is have a multi-pronged attacked. You need to both increase your own self-worth and ideas about what you have to offer and what is truly important in a relationship......and at the same time, you need to understand why it pains you so that you may never be the person you want others to see you as.

    You need to learn to understand, what it is about being seen as really good looking, what that offers you? is it security? is it control? Why does the idea of someone being more attracted to you than anyone else in their past or present matter so much to you?

    It seems like a simple "duh" answer, we all want to be valued...but you have to get at the root of not only what it is that you want, but why you want it and what properties does "it" really have?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2015 6:38 PM GMT
    All people are beautiful or hideous depending on how you choose to see them.

    Physical traits are often used to make people feel about themselves but everyone ends up old. Remember that what you do and how you treat others is more important than how much you look like a model.

    Be well and don't let shallow people make you undervalue yourself.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Nov 27, 2015 7:17 PM GMT
    Dude, go to Walmart. Or the airport. Or the Mall. And just look around. People are all shapes and sizes and most pair up. Bet you're as good as any of them. You're just nervous when you meet some guy you're attracted to. Give yourself a mantra like "go for it, go for it, go for it" or anything that distracts you from the voices in your head long enough for the guy to notice you. Then just lean back and let the waive of warmth flow over you. If you find yourself talking yourself out of a guy, go to the mantra. If you find yourself talking to yourself later, talk to your therapist-- you're at least mildly depressed and it might just be chemical. I'm not a big believer in talk therapy that takes the rest of your life. Scam if you ask me. The chemical imbalance can be corrected if that's all it is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 27, 2015 7:31 PM GMT
    Are these guys you meet online or out in the real world? If you've met them online and are meeting them in person, the fact that they're meeting you says that they're interested in you.

    Keep in mind that these insecurities are issues that you created. Most of the time, others aren't even thinking of what you're insecure about and they most likely have insecurities of their own that they are stressing about also.
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    Nov 28, 2015 3:57 AM GMT
    Tell yourself this: hard things are hard. For you, learning to accept yourself (you're scared to even show pictures of yourself here) is the first part. You have to learn to step out of your comfort zone, whatever it is. That means taking the step of becoming pictured and profiled and coming to like yourself here, for beginners.

    Whether it's dealing with difficult tasks in the work place, dealing with difficult people, becoming a beast, moving past open heart surgery, or giving up on a busted relationships, we walk into, through, above, and beyond our deepest challenges to better things.

    Learn to step out of your comfort zone and you'll develop a realization that you control who you are, and not much else. Come to like that and you'll be much happier.

    You can choose to lead by example, and empower others, or, you can cowardly sabotage yourself and drive people, and opportunity, away from you.

    You must step out of your comfort zone and move on to better things. No one can do that for you. Not the shrink; not me; not the next guy. You have to grow a pair, and take charge of your own life, molding it into something more positive. Your first step should be getting pictured and profiled here, like a normal person, and coming to like that, and yourself.

    If you have images around body image, fix it. Work out. Eat right. Etc. If you issues around social skills, study them. Nothing is more likable that a full name, a face, a handshake, and a smile. Become the better person.

    You may have to get a case of the fuck its around whatever frightens you. Once you like yourself, the rest will follow. Once you take action, you'll empower yourself to future positive change and opportunity. Quit talking about it, and do it.

    Remember, if you coddle a weak part, it only gets weaker. If you rehab it, it gets stronger. That's true of mind and body.

    Less talk; more action.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 28, 2015 7:16 AM GMT
    You need to work on removing the dirty glasses you look at yourself with, as well as the rose colored ones you quickly put on when you look at other people. Focus on other peoples' flaws and your own good qualities until you have a neutralized perspective of each side. This isn't about you being bad and others being good, it's about figuring out when you learned that you became rewarded for self deprecating yourself and praising other people. You most likely grew up in an environment where you weren't acknowledged for anything good, and were taught to treat others "respectfully" by focusing on other peoples' positive traits and dismissing your own.