Childhood molestation and adult sexuality

  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Nov 30, 2015 3:32 AM GMT
    I believe that childhood molestation can affect boys in a variety of ways depending on their age, family life and emotional state.
    But I also believe that it is always significant and can frequently determine aspects of their adult sexuality. Some, although basically straight, may need to replicate the experience in a way that gives them mastery over it. Others, basically gay, may feel, wrongly, that it has determined their gayness. Has anyone else had this experience and wondered about its effect on them?
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    Dec 01, 2015 4:36 AM GMT
    Definitely a controversial subject. A lot of people claim homosexuality is a result of sexual molestation. I myself have had experiences with both male and females at a young age, but it was them acting out on being molested themselves; I myself was never molested by an adult. My female cousin, who was the one who acted out on me claimed homosexuality was a result of molestation. She said how her own little brother being molested at a young age resulted at being homosexual; he was molested by an older male relative. I told her I always felt I was different in that way. I was always fascinated by the concept of homosexuality in movies and tv especially; even just the comedy aspect that was the only visible homosexuality in or culture in the 90's. I told her even after s a young kid I would look at handsome men more than beautiful women. She said even her little brother as a baby would watch her put on make up and be fascinated with girlish things. I was even the same way, I played with dolls and boy toys growing up, it wasn't any conscious choice or anything, but basically I was trying to tell her that femininity and masculinity, and logically sexuality, weren't something that is learned or forced upon us from molestation or outside influence, that it could be natural as well.

    Another thing that comes to mind is a guy that I dated awhile ago, he said he was molested by a man that was his dad's best friend. He said there was a secret relationship with this man, and that he had fond memories of this time. To me, this was a disturbing scenario, it kind of shocked me and like I said disturbed me. He was a feminine guy as well, it reminded me of a guy a only kissed and went to 1st base with when I was around 18 or 19 years old. He told me he was molested by his uncles,he even cried about it and said he hated them, but still I don't think his sexuality was affected or influenced by this, he was also a very feminine person even in young childhood. Which brings me to another thought, I wonder if the more feminine male children become a more accessible target towards predators?
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Dec 01, 2015 4:45 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, some years ago I fell in love with a guy who had been molested - only once - by a teenager as a young child. I have no reason to believe it had anything to do with his sexual preference (one of his brothers was also gay) but it seemed to have quite a lot to do with his self-acceptance, his self-image, and his attitude toward sex and relationships.

    On the surface he was very personable, gregarious, and charismatic, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized it was an extremely thin facade. He was in extremely deep denial, much more so than anyone I've ever known. Not only about his sexuality but about every aspect of his life.

    He was ridiculously fixated on his "reputation". He absolutely refused to watch horror movies, or any movie that portrayed a dark and sleazy side to life. If you walked up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder, he'd jump about a foot and a half (only six inches if he saw you coming). When he shook hands, he'd bend his hand stiffly to avoid palm-to-palm contact. He was obsessive about never being alone, and would go to coffee shops sometimes 3-4 times a day just to interact with people. When he met someone new he'd do everything in his power to reel the guy in, and then as soon as the guy was hooked, he'd push back with all his might to keep the guy at arm's length (yep I was one of those guys). We took several trips together, to Europe, Australia, the Caribbean, but once there he'd jump on any opportunity to ditch me and meet someone new. Eventually he admitted to me he never wanted to have a relationship with anyone, ever.

    After we'd known each other for 3 or 4 years he told me he'd been molested; he tried his best to sound casual about it but quite obviously it was a defining event of his life. It was like discovering the Rosetta Stone, the missing piece of the puzzle. All the strangeness about him suddenly made sense - quite sadly.
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    Dec 02, 2015 12:22 AM GMT
    So far I've yet to become close friends with anyone who has NOT admitted to being molested in some way as a child, whether benign (non-genital touching) or full on hardcore sex. Most of them turned out ok, and so far only one who feels like it changed his sexuality. Then again, he's kinda weird in many ways anyway (which is probably why we get along lol) and he misinterprets lots of things. That's ok though, cause he's fantastic in bed, even though he identifies as tri-sexual (openly admits being attracted to male, female, and trans).
  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 02, 2015 2:23 AM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback from all of the above.
    Some thoughts: some boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators.
    If a boy's sexuality is already set in place, a molestation will not change his sexual orientation. But if their are other emotional issues in play, abuse, traumas, etc, molestation can , at least in a limited way, confuse the boy's, and the man's sexual orientation.


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    Dec 02, 2015 7:17 AM GMT
    Edepic saidThanks for the feedback from all of the above.
    Some thoughts: some boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators.
    If a boy's sexuality is already set in place, a molestation will not change his sexual orientation. But if their are other emotional issues in play, abuse, traumas, etc, molestation can , at least in a limited way, confuse the boy's, and the man's sexual orientation.


    I have a sneaking suspicion that "molestation" is a relatively modern concept, and especially all the supposed horrific lifetime consequences attributed to it, which makes quite a tidy cottage industry for the child-molestation-counselors. (I'm remembering the McMartin pre-school debacle and the Bakersfield demon cult travesties of justice which ruined so many lives.) I think that sexual touchings among children have been going on always and the consequences of that would be relatively benign, were it not for the hysterical reactions of the adults if the children are caught at it. Certainly, the religious sector manages to be the most hysterical about it.

    Obviously, the sexual attacks—rapes—by adults or sexually mature males on pre-pubescent children are to be condemned, and sexual activity with females of any age short of their majority carries the horrendous risk of pregnancy, given that 7-year olds have given birth on occasion.

    However, the condemnation of otherwise enjoyable sexual touchings now universally viewed as molestations under penalty of criminal prosecutions seems somewhat excessive, especially given the totally illogical position that sex between an 18+one day-old person with a 17+364 days-old person is a statutory molestation/rape—"instant miraculous maturity" in 2 days--huh???) One wonders if the community reaction to both the sexual "predator" and to the younger "victim" is not more of a traumatic assault on the "victim" than the actual sexual activity was (at least when there was no rape involved.) It also would seem good parenting would include instructing children how to handle such situations anyway, long before they happened. (For example, why weren't little Catholic boys warned by their parents that theological instruction did not include priestly fellatio?)

    In any event, molestations don't change basic sexual orientations which seem to be hard-wired at birth. Age, family, emotional states, cultural expectations can certainly mask realities, and molestations could possibly contribute to the fogging of reality, but the hard wiring is already there.
  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 02, 2015 1:31 PM GMT
    My original posting asked men who have had the experience of having been molested to share their reaction to this experience and to discuss its effect on their sexuality.
    Molestation would mean a grown adult having sex with a child, in my case I was about 4. Sex play between children is normal and usual and does not seem to have harmful effects.
    An excellent book on mass sexual hysteria btw, is Aldous Huxley's "The Devils of Loudon". A true story fron the 17th century.
    Sexual orientation may indeed be hard wired. But sexuality is complex and the saying , as the twig is bent so grows the tree has merit. Consider the ancient Greeks who believed boys had to be anally inseminated to become men. Certainly these boys were taught that sex with men was pleasurable and they grew up and continued the practice. It's also understood that part of the reactions reported in post traumatic stress disorder are the repetition of the trauma to gain mastery over it. This doesn't mean that all boys who were molested or raped will grow up to become molesters themselves, but they may feel the need to reexperience sex with men.
    There is also the observation that men can change their sexual orientation when circumstances change, for example in prison. The term "hard wired" just doesn't seem an accurate term for this kind of flexibility. And yet there may be a duel system at work, where hard wired usually rules, but, like a hybrid car, another system is available if circumstances require it. Those circumstance may include, for some of us, in addition to being born in Ancient Greece or finding oneself in prison, being raped when one is 4.
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    Dec 02, 2015 1:54 PM GMT
    Oh my god, everyone finally can claim victimhood. Good for you. I tend to think that those terrible ghosts from our past need to remain dead and buried. Nothing is more boring that listening to people cry about their abusive or just boring childhood and justify drug/sex addiction because of it. Healthy people move on, shallow people focus on a past that they can not change.
  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 02, 2015 6:33 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidOh my god, everyone finally can claim victimhood. Good for you. I tend to think that those terrible ghosts from our past need to remain dead and buried. Nothing is more boring that listening to people cry about their abusive or just boring childhood and justify drug/sex addiction because of it. Healthy people move on, shallow people focus on a past that they can not change.


    The above writer states in his profile that he runs because he "likes to hurt myself". Deliberately acting in a way to hurt oneself would seem to institutionalize victimization. Hurting oneself, or masochism, can become a cottage industry for perpetual victimization; you become the perpetrator and the victim. It might be better for someone to figure out what they are running from in their past before they run themselves into the ground.
    The acknowledgement of the past is the first step in its erasure. Being able to do this is a sign of strength.
    "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
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    Dec 02, 2015 8:17 PM GMT
    Sulla saidHowever, the condemnation of otherwise enjoyable sexual touchings now universally viewed as molestations under penalty of criminal prosecutions seems somewhat excessive, especially given the totally illogical position that sex between an 18+one day-old person with a 17+364 days-old person is a statutory molestation/rape—"instant miraculous maturity" in 2 days--huh???)

    I read somewhere that some (most? all?) states have differing levels of penalties depending on the age difference; e.g., a 19 year old guy "molesting" a 17 year old girl will get off lightly.

    And to address the OP's question, I think how one was molested and at what age is likely a big factor. For example, if the victim was older and was seduced and felt sexual arousal and believed that they wanted the sex versus being younger and forced/raped, or not being younger and raped.

    I remember reading stories in the newspapers where the people investigating cases with kids had to be very careful about how they questioned them apparently because the kids were willing participants and were therefore unlikely to tell the truth.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1034

    Dec 02, 2015 8:37 PM GMT
    Edepic saidSome thoughts: some boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators.


    My friend was 6 when he was molested. And he's had a good relationship with his father all his life. Do you really think the teenager who molested him was responding to "signals"?

    If you think that was the case with you - at 4 years old! - I'd suggest therapy to help you overcome the apparently lingering notion that being molested was somehow your fault.
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    Dec 02, 2015 8:57 PM GMT
    There have been various "theories" about what causes homosexuality. For example, one that I heard is that if you had a strong domineering woman mother. Or your father was absent. Talk about dimestore psychology.

    (Fixed the "woman" thing.)
  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 02, 2015 10:19 PM GMT
    bro4bro said
    Edepic saidSome thoughts: some boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators.


    My friend was 6 when he was molested. And he's had a good relationship with his father all his life. Do you really think the teenager who molested him was responding to "signals"?

    If you think that was the case with you - at 4 years old! - I'd suggest therapy to help you overcome the apparently lingering notion that being molested was somehow your fault.



    Well every case is different, but I know that I was a needy child and I do believe that in my case this was a factor. The only thing I blamed myself for was not being quick enough to get away. And yes I have spent a good deal of time in therapy and it has helped me to understand my very complex reaction to the molestation. I started this thread as a way to communicate with other men who were molested. Guess I'm the only one willing to talk about it.
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    Dec 02, 2015 11:05 PM GMT
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    smartmoney said...Healthy people move on, shallow people focus on a past that they can not change.


    Or is it how the brain is wired, that someone who seems to be holding onto the past does so because of how neurons have established--in other words, might not be holding on at all but simply an inclination--while someone who more easily "moves on"--inclined differently--might never have truly connected to the experience at that level (or proximity) in the first place.

    Was the Buddha able to detach from emotions or was he a sociopath? Enlightenment from the world or initially numb to it?

    To the borderline creepiness of this thread, I'd first delineate at least generally, as there's always some bleeding at the borders of interconnectedness, what is sexual orientation from what is disordered attraction. It is one natural thing for children to experiment with each other, which unless forced, is not molestation. This is molestation:

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_abuse
    Sexual abuse, also referred to as molestation, is forcing undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another. When that force is immediate, of short duration, or infrequent, it is called sexual assault. The offender is referred to as a sexual abuser or (often pejoratively) molester.[1] The term also covers any behavior by any adult towards a child to stimulate either the adult or child sexually. When the victim is younger than the age of consent, it is referred to as statutory rape or child sexual abuse.


    And society recognizes the bleeding at the edges. So that in Florida, for instance, which I'm aware of because we had a worry about my disturbed adopted nephew's dating a 16 year old when he was 18...

    A person 24 years of age or older who engages in sexual activity with a person 16 or 17 years of age commits a felony of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082, s. 775.083, or s. 775.084. As used in this section, "sexual activity" means oral, anal, or vaginal penetration by, or union with, the sexual organ of another; however, sexual activity does not include an act done for a bona fide medical purpose.


    So in learning that I was able to provide some relief to my brother and SIL that the kid's relationship would not land him in jail.

    I've been victimized three times by sexual abusers. Each time a doctor. Minor incidents all but long-time affecting, not at all of my sexuality, but of how much I hate going to doctors today. I'd nearly rather die of cancer than seek help. I seriously hate those bastards, though I know intellectually that not every one is a creep, there seems enough to go around.

    Apparently I've always been attractive enough to draw their attention, pretty sure it had nothing to do with any signals I was putting out, speaking of creepiness of the OP. Way to blame the victim, to suggest that some defect of upbringing created, that "some boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators" did you say? Yikes fucking yikes. No. I'm pretty sure all the blame belongs to the perpetrator of the crime. Not to how the raped was dressed. Or are you suggesting we all go through life donning emotional burkas. Bullshit!

    I was a good looking kid and a good looking guy and a lot of people, not just the predators, wanted sex with me. Even the girls I grew up with though I didn't learn about that until they fessed up later in life. And for the most part I was a whore very accommodating, by the way. My attracting others had nothing to do with my relationship with my father. It had to do with my body and face. But even as generous as I was during playtime, that someone would creep on me was just fucking creepy, plain and simple. I don't care how symbolically naked I am at life's bathhouse: no means no.

    That a doctor would take advantage? What a douche bag. The first when I was a young teen seated my mother across the room, had me on my back on the table and placed his body between my mother's line of vision and his hand down my pants. I was fucking mortified. I'd run that bastard over with my car if I saw him today.

    Then in my 30s a douchebag dentist, who I actually thought was pretty hot. Off hours? Not a problem. Instead he goes to play in my mouth while seducing with nonstop innuendo. Then his assistant walks in. I haven't sat in a dentist chair without a magazine in my lap since. Douchebags!

    Even in my fucking 50s a doctor made a move on me. The last one tried pulling my hand directly onto his penis when I went to shake his hand goodbye at the end of the exam. I couldn't fucking believe it. I went back again to check my perception but sure enough the same thing happened again. I tried giving him every benefit of the doubt. Maybe a closet case who didn't know how to properly signal his intentions. You know, like how a nonperverted doctor might ask ya to lunch. So I investigated a tad. The douchebag was married. To a vagina. Douchebag fucking downlow doctor taking advantage of his position to creep on me. I'd run him over with my car too.

    That's not affecting of my sexuality, that's my sense of justice. I'm still a good lay. His loss. ha!

    PS OP, Pretty sure that profile blurb of smartmoney is just smartass.He's not quite known for his serious take on all things. You can safely chill on that, though by this I'd question your own ability to read into things, if you thought he was being serious.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 03, 2015 2:55 AM GMT

    Nothing is more boring that listening to people cry about their abusive or just boring childhood and justify drug/sex addiction because of it. Healthy people move on, shallow people focus on a past that they can not change



    I must of missed the crying part. Since when is talking crying?

    And it's weird you would go on to a thread entitled: "childhood molestation and adult sexuality" and then bitch about how boring it is to listen to people talk about their abusive pasts. Clearly you thought there would be some amusement for yourself or you wouldn't have clicked...



    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREsome boys deprived of a fathering experience may give off signals that get them noticed by predators



    I am not sure what is so controversial about this.

    "some" means some, not all, not every, but some.....

    May, means, "might" or "maybe" again, not "every"



    I understand in 2015, we live in an outrage society where most people are geared or encouraged to go around looking for reasons to be angry, but language is important. Atleast be angry at what a person is actually saying.



    It's clearly undeniable that predators look for prey and usually the weaker seeming is better. Does that mean it's the prey's fault for being weak? Nowhere does anyone say that and virtually no one outside of psychopath would agree that that is the case involving children. I am not sure why that is the conclusion people would immediately jump to the OP having.




    Sorry if none of that is anything to really add about the original topic.


  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 03, 2015 4:19 AM GMT
    Thank you bad bug for mucking out the stalls and throwing out some of the bullshit that's been building up arround here.
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    Dec 03, 2015 5:51 AM GMT
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