Boyfriend Self Esteem Issues

  • ThatGuy791

    Posts: 4

    Dec 02, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    Hey all - long time reader and first time poster. I apologize in advance for sounding like I'm in a soap opera, but thanks for taking the time to listen to an anonymous internet user's problems. First a bit of a background - I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 21 and we have been together since middle school (yup!). I'm 6'3 and fairly muscular while my boyfriend has a slim build (5'9 140ish) which has never been a problem for me as I find him very attractive but we probably deviate from what the typical RJ couple would look like. In any case, my boyfriend is incredibly intelligent and has the option of going to several of the world's top grad schools for physics (he also got a perfect score on his SAT - I love my little nerd!). Recently on an outing with some friends who were drunk, one of my workout friends (who is gay) told my boyfriend that he doesn't "deserve" me and that I deserved a "real man". Of course I think my friend is jealous and was hiding feelings from before that ended up coming out that night, but my boyfriend has been crushed ever since hearing that. For the past two months he has not gone with me to the gym (before that he had recently started going with me for 3 out of the 5 times I go per week) and now prefers to go alone. Additionally, we haven't had sex in 2 months and he is now sleeping in a shirt and underwear.

    I really do love my boyfriend and I hate to see him think he isn't attractive to me because of some idiotic statement a friend made while drunk and out of jealousy at that. Does anybody have any suggestions on what I can do to rectify the situation? Thanks for taking the time to listen to my problems!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2015 4:47 PM GMT
    Words can hurt and sometimes words can traumatize. It sounds like he is traumatized, which is not an easy thing to get over.

    First of all, tell your "friend" to never contact either one of you again and block him from all communication with either of you. Doing this will also send a strong message to your boyfriend of who's side you're really on.

    You need to call a formal meeting with him.....and no, not just a passing conversation over coffee but actually inform him you need to talk to him about something serious so he knows you mean business. Make sure the room is quiet and you are alone with him. Look him in the eyes and tell him that creep was jealous of your relationship and said that to hurt him. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you love him and are attracted to him just as much as ever. Ask him if he has any questions for you and answer them honestly. He needs this extra assurance right now.

    Don't skip this next part! Once your meeting is over, go back to treating him normally. No presents or flowers and no special treatment. (You don't want to subconsciously reward him for his insecurity.) If after a few weeks he's still sleeping in his clothes and acting strange, tell him you'd like to make an appointment with a couple's counselor. But this is a last resort. I think the talk will resolve things as long as you're understanding about his feelings and make a sincere effort to reassure him.

    DO THIS NOW!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 02, 2015 4:56 PM GMT
    Wow! That^^^ is great advice. Wish I'd said that. OP!! Do what Radd says. Very, very soon.
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    Dec 02, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    Your problem began when you didn't come to your boyfriend's defense right then and there when the classless remark was made. Have that conversation that Radd suggested just do not be surprised to find out he's disappointed in you more so than with that idiot's crassness. You mean more to him and have more power to hurt him than that idiot.

    You need to ask yourself why didn't you come to his defense. There would have been no way in Hell someone would have gotten away with such disrespect to my guy. I especially like Radd's advice to drop the idiot as a "friend" it will go a long way in reassuring the BF.
  • ThatGuy791

    Posts: 4

    Dec 02, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    In fairness to myself, my boyfriend is not an emotional person in the sense that he doesn't convey his emotions on his face or through his attitude well. He never raises his voice with people when he is angry and pretends to ignore people so at first I wasn't sure if what my "friend" said had hurt him. I now know obviously and am trying to figure out what to do about it since he won't talk much about it. I just blocked the person in question earlier from all cyber aspects of my life and don't intend on talking to him anymore. I was made aware earlier of some inappropriate mean texts that person had sent my boyfriend and I am livid. Should I ask that my boyfriend come back to the gym with me? I'm not going to try and force him but when I got him going before he really did seem to enjoy it before this nonsense came up. Thanks for all your kind words this forum gives me hope in mankind.
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    Dec 02, 2015 8:04 PM GMT
    ThatGuy791 saidIn fairness to myself, my boyfriend is not an emotional person in the sense that he doesn't convey his emotions on his face or through his attitude well. He never raises his voice with people when he is angry and pretends to ignore people so at first I wasn't sure if what my "friend" said had hurt him. I now know obviously and am trying to figure out what to do about it since he won't talk much about it. I just blocked the person in question earlier from all cyber aspects of my life and don't intend on talking to him anymore. I was made aware earlier of some inappropriate mean texts that person had sent my boyfriend and I am livid. Should I ask that my boyfriend come back to the gym with me? I'm not going to try and force him but when I got him going before he really did seem to enjoy it before this nonsense came up. Thanks for all your kind words this forum gives me hope in mankind.


    Just because someone doesn't show physical emotions does not mean their heart is not going through the same trauma. I agree with UndercoverMan. You should have stood up for your bf! You need to stop making excuses about why you didn't go into defense mode since this is about your bf and not you.

    Radd already explained what you need to do, which is to have a meaningful conversation with your bf. Words did a lot of damage to him and it's up to you to use words to heal it! But it appears you are more interested in getting him to the gym instead of having a 1 on 1 discussion.
  • ThatGuy791

    Posts: 4

    Dec 02, 2015 8:39 PM GMT
    Erik101 said
    ThatGuy791 saidIn fairness to myself, my boyfriend is not an emotional person in the sense that he doesn't convey his emotions on his face or through his attitude well. He never raises his voice with people when he is angry and pretends to ignore people so at first I wasn't sure if what my "friend" said had hurt him. I now know obviously and am trying to figure out what to do about it since he won't talk much about it. I just blocked the person in question earlier from all cyber aspects of my life and don't intend on talking to him anymore. I was made aware earlier of some inappropriate mean texts that person had sent my boyfriend and I am livid. Should I ask that my boyfriend come back to the gym with me? I'm not going to try and force him but when I got him going before he really did seem to enjoy it before this nonsense came up. Thanks for all your kind words this forum gives me hope in mankind.


    Just because someone doesn't show physical emotions does not mean their heart is not going through the same trauma. I agree with UndercoverMan. You should have stood up for your bf! You need to stop making excuses about why you didn't go into defense mode since this is about your bf and not you.

    Radd already explained what you need to do, which is to have a meaningful conversation with your bf. Words did a lot of damage to him and it's up to you to use words to heal it! But it appears you are more interested in getting him to the gym instead of having a 1 on 1 discussion.


    I'm well aware he's going through a lot I just wasn't sure how to approach having the conversation without hurting him more. I already know I failed him when I didn't stick up for him but I'm trying to fix that. I only brought up the gym because I know he's feeling insecure about his body and I don't want him to. Thanks for the time anyway.
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    Dec 02, 2015 10:06 PM GMT
    the workout buddy was drink and your boyfriend should have taken it as a compliment. It was an existing issue for your BF and thats why things imploded so bad.

    you have been together some time and its easy to take someone for granted. Give him more attention; text him a few times a day, text him right now, ask him about his day, say he's handsome, you love him...

    You need to break your routine and only goto the gym when he goes. Both of you need to think to change up the gym, find another he would like to goto.

    unfriend your buddy, put in more time with your partner.

    if he is up for it show some pda, hold hands while at homeDepot, give him a big gay kiss while waiting at the stop light.

    hide his t-shirt



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 02, 2015 10:34 PM GMT
    ThatGuy791 saidIn fairness to myself, my boyfriend is not an emotional person in the sense that he doesn't convey his emotions on his face or through his attitude well. He never raises his voice with people when he is angry and pretends to ignore people so at first I wasn't sure if what my "friend" said had hurt him. I now know obviously and am trying to figure out what to do about it since he won't talk much about it. I just blocked the person in question earlier from all cyber aspects of my life and don't intend on talking to him anymore. I was made aware earlier of some inappropriate mean texts that person had sent my boyfriend and I am livid. Should I ask that my boyfriend come back to the gym with me? I'm not going to try and force him but when I got him going before he really did seem to enjoy it before this nonsense came up. Thanks for all your kind words this forum gives me hope in mankind.



    The gym should be the last thing on your mind. He's hurt....don't you get it? Do not try and coerce him to come back to the gym with you. That will confirm that you think he's not good enough the way he is. You can say you miss his company at the gym but don't imply in any way that he "needs" to workout. You bleeped right past the previous advice which tells me you have no intention of doing the right thing here. Hope I'm wrong for his sake.
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    Dec 02, 2015 10:45 PM GMT
    Just tell him that if he doesn't know he is beautiful, he is beautiful.
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    Dec 02, 2015 11:04 PM GMT
    ThatGuy791 said... He never raises his voice with people when he is angry and pretends to ignore people so at first I wasn't sure if what my "friend" said had hurt him...


    Someone questioned his manliness in a group of people and you weren't sure if it hurt him?! Damn dude you've known him for probably ten years! I don't even know him and I know it had to hurt. Forget about the gym! Take him to dinner. Tell him you screwed up. Tell him you are very sorry. Tell him you are disappointed in yourself for not having put that asshole in his place. Tell him it will never happen again. Tell him you love him for who he is. I know you must; otherwise, you wouldn't have been with him all this time.
  • trvlmscl

    Posts: 136

    Dec 03, 2015 12:01 AM GMT
    Hey bud I'm sorry you've had to deal with unnecessary drama.

    I agree with a few of the prior comments. Yes, reacting more to your drunk friends comment in defense of your bf might have helped. But I don't feel it necessary to blame you for the fallout. I bet this isn't the first, nor the last time you will have to deal with negative, judgmental, and jealous individuals trying to test the strength of your relationship. You'll learn to root out those bad eggs in your life, and avoid making friends with them in the first place.

    Talk to your bf, reinforce your attraction & love for him. Ask him what, if anything, you can do to help heal & move forward. Maybe ask him if he'd like you to handle future situations differently.

    I applaud you for your longevity and desire to fix this minor relationship hiccup. You guys are young, and still learning. I'm just now finally starting to figure things out. One of my gpa's favorite sayings to us grandkids is "Remember, you probably won't find your brain until you're 30".
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    Dec 03, 2015 12:11 AM GMT
    Don't let him go through this alone, even if he wants to be alone as a defense mechanism. Part of being a good partner is... being a good PARTNER. Tell him that you miss him when he's not around and you love being with him. And touch his body, wrap your arms around your guy and hold him tight to you. I would also let him go to the gym by himself to give him his personal space but tell him as a trade off he has to sleep naked again and allow you guys to have hot sex, again.
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    Dec 03, 2015 3:31 AM GMT
    woodfordr said...
    I would also let him go to the gym by himself to give him his personal space but tell him as a trade off he has to sleep naked again and allow you guys to have hot sex, again.


    I don't think the OP is in any position to make deals/demands/trades.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1035

    Dec 03, 2015 4:16 AM GMT
    OK, it's been 11 hours since Radd gave you the best advice I've seen around here in a long time. If you haven't acted on it by now, what are you waiting for? Read it again - every word - and then do it. All of it.

    What disturbs me is that you seem more concerned with your boyfriend making you feel good (by going to the gym with you, having sex with you, sleeping naked with you) than you are with making him feel good. Of course he doesn't want to go to the gym with you - it was your workout buddy who trashed him! Do you really think he wants to go through that again - and watch you do nothing about it again?

    Make no mistake, this guy is the love of your life. You'll never have another guy who knows you so completely, who shares such a history with you, who loves you so deeply. Hell, you've never even had to go out and get a date. Do you think it's easy to find a guy who makes you feel wanted and loved?

    Bottom line, when someone insults the love of your life, you don't let that shit pass. Doesn't matter whether you think he was hurt by it or not. I guarantee that your silence hurt him way more than whatever that douchebag said.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Dec 03, 2015 4:18 AM GMT
    Another try would be to put the things in greater perspective. (This may come as a bit difficult if you are in your 20's, tho.) Yet life experience teaches all of us that we simply have to grow up and and stand above and beyond the judgement of the others.

    A very smart guy will have hardly any problem understanding the concept.

    Life IS simply NOT just.

    Some people will always have and receive more than is their fair share in life than the others, especially as seen by the others.

    I was barely 7 when a few of my 'friends' started insisting that I did not deserve my parents. (Yup, there are worse things in life than having your ole folks well off...)

    A few insisted that I did not deserve my grades, but that it all had to do with the alleged influence peddling of my rents...

    I was barely 20 when couple of guys I used to know started insisting that I did not deserve my 'fashion model BF', and that my BF was interested in me because of my deep pockets onlyicon_rolleyes.gif

    By the age of 12 I had reached the conclusion that life favored some people, and yeah, it disfavored the others, especially if they did not know the details, had vested interests as looking like victims, etc.

    Nothing has ever changed in this respect. People around still insist that life is NOT just, that I have been always getting so much more than my fair share in life, etc.

    Life is simply too short and too precious to be wasted on ignorants.

    SC


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    Dec 03, 2015 5:26 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidAnother try would be to put the things in greater perspective. (This may come as a bit difficult if you are in your 20's, tho.) Yet life experience teaches all of us that we simply have to grow up and and stand above and beyond the judgement of the others.

    A very smart guy will have hardly any problem understanding the concept.

    Life IS simply NOT just.

    Some people will always have and receive more than is their fair share in life than the others, especially as seen by the others.

    I was barely 7 when a few of my 'friends' started insisting that I did not deserve my parents. (Yup, there are worse things in life than having your ole folks well off...)

    A few insisted that I did not deserve my grades, but that it all had to do with the alleged influence peddling of my rents...

    I was barely 20 when couple of guys I used to know started insisting that I did not deserve my 'fashion model BF', and that my BF was interested in me because of my deep pockets onlyicon_rolleyes.gif

    By the age of 12 I had reached the conclusion that life favored some people, and yeah, it disfavored the others, especially if they did not know the details, had vested interests as looking like victims, etc.

    Nothing has ever changed in this respect. People around still insist that life is NOT just, that I have been always getting so much more than my fair share in life, etc.

    Life is simply too short and too precious to be wasted on ignorants.

    SC




    You are the first person I have ever met who doesn't get defensive at the idea that he has had privileges in life that other will never have. Kudos, you clearly have a deep appreciation for your life and a healthy dose of self esteem.
  • ThatGuy791

    Posts: 4

    Dec 04, 2015 6:19 AM GMT
    I am incredibly happy to say that the situation has been resolved and my boyfriend is back to normal behavior again. Thank you all for the advice!
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    Dec 04, 2015 2:29 PM GMT
    It sound like their is plenty of good advise here for you to use and work through. I know the situation well as I friend of mine has recently had some big behaviour changes.

    We have been friends and FB's for a long time and started dating recently. It was friends who were making comments about me and then later at him. He is suddenly become weird and distant and seems to be putting himself in really humiliating and no win situations.

    It's difficult to stand back as it unfolds but just like with your BF, support is really all you can offer. For my friend he was much worse when we first met at taking and critical comments and was to a point where he would get knocked over or bumped into and apologise to them. I took nearly 2 months of me my friends taking him to nice places and any time he apologised when not his fault we asked him to retract if Coz it wasn't healthy. My point is that it can be little things that help the most and by talking more about what is bugging him you will likely work out what
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    Dec 04, 2015 4:32 PM GMT
    ThatGuy791 saidI am incredibly happy to say that the situation has been resolved and my boyfriend is back to normal behavior again. Thank you all for the advice!

    Good to hear a happy ending!
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Dec 05, 2015 6:36 AM GMT
    You've been with your BF since middle school; most of us would kill to have had a BF in middle school through high school and college. Take the advice and let him know how important he is to you and how much you love him.
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    Dec 06, 2015 1:47 AM GMT
    waccamatt saidYou've been with your BF since middle school; most of us would kill to have had a BF in middle school through high school and college. Take the advice and let him know how important he is to you and how much you love him.


    ^^^This!
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    Dec 06, 2015 7:41 PM GMT
    This thread is just more proof that no one reads anyone else's comments because if they did they would know the OP says the problem has been resolved. So as a test, let me say this.....the guy below me is a moron.