RJ cliché: "Monogamy is for the insecure"

  • bifocaled

    Posts: 28

    Dec 03, 2015 1:11 AM GMT
    A while ago Hottjoe mentioned how awesome his monogamous relationship was, and that he won't settle for anything less. Of course, the open relationship guys were all up on him for indirectly implying that their relationships are mere plan B's.

    Meanwhile, just about every thread that mentions open relationships has the usual chorus of guys saying "it's not for the insecure", "it's not for guys with jealousy issues", "it requires maturity and trust". As if monogamy is for insecure guys with jealousy issues who don't trust each other!

    Shaming seems to go in all directions depending on one's own interests.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 03, 2015 1:52 AM GMT
    No, I think you're less than HIV. If you can read, reread. Just about every guy said monogamy was fine but that open can work if both want it AND you're both secure in yourselves and each other and the relationship. Are you a Republican? Hottjoe was an unpleasant person who liked to belittle others at every turn, usually by misrepresenting them or their words. I called him out on his supposed perfect monogamous relationship because happy people don't attack others' positions if they're harming no one. I doubt he had a partner at all. He knew nothing about love. Same with you.
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    Dec 03, 2015 2:07 AM GMT
    Weak and simplistic logic. Suppose someone said that in order for a weight lifter to get big muscles it requires dedication. Your lame logic would be like saying that what they're implying is that all weight lifters who aren't big lack dedication.

    I don't ever recall anyone ever implying or insinuating (even remotely) that people who prefer monogamy are insecure, have jealousy issues, or don't trust their partner.
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    Dec 03, 2015 2:15 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidOh, come on, guys. You're not taking this troll and his very first thread contribution seriously, are you?

    icon_eek.gif

    I take everything seriously.
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    Dec 03, 2015 2:18 AM GMT
    And besides, anyone who invokes the name HottJoe is obviously worth listening to.
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    Dec 03, 2015 2:35 AM GMT
    Could this be the work of a certain basement deweller? Hmm, you know it's just a matter of time.
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    Dec 03, 2015 3:53 AM GMT
    Flaguy57 saidCould this be the work of a certain basement deweller? Hmm, you know it's just a matter of time.

    Highly unlikely in my opinion since the English was good and there were 0 occurrences of the words fuck and shit.
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    Dec 04, 2015 2:23 PM GMT
    This hurts my vagina.
  • bifocaled

    Posts: 28

    Dec 15, 2015 4:28 AM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidWeak and simplistic logic. Suppose someone said that in order for a weight lifter to get big muscles it requires dedication. Your lame logic would be like saying that what they're implying is that all weight lifters who aren't big lack dedication.

    I don't ever recall anyone ever implying or insinuating (even remotely) that people who prefer monogamy are insecure, have jealousy issues, or don't trust their partner.



    But the context is always comparative with the open relationship discussions. If you compare weightlifting with say, running, and say that the latter requires endurance, there's no meaning to that statement unless you meant running requires more endurance than lifting. So when people talk about one type of relationship vs another, and say that one requires "not having jealousy issues", it's very obvious that what they hope people will pick up from that statement. And those statements are always made for self-serving reasons.
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    Dec 15, 2015 4:43 AM GMT
    MuchmorethanHIV saidSo when people talk about one type of relationship vs another, and say that one requires "not having jealousy issues", it's very obvious that what they hope people will pick up from that statement. And those statements are always made for self-serving reasons.

    Nope. I would definitely agree that if either partner has jealousy issues that having an open relationship will be a disaster. But that does not mean that I think that their relationship is any less valid or worthy than a couple who are in an open relationship. Or that they are insecure, immature, or lack trust. There's nothing wrong with having a closed relationship, or an open one. The only thing that's wrong is telling other people how to live their lives. If a couple has an open relationship it's nobody else's business.
  • you_know_Its_...

    Posts: 261

    Dec 15, 2015 4:51 AM GMT
    yikes some people are thick.

    "if either partner has jealousy issues, then having an open relationship will be a disaster"

    in this context is pretty much another way of saying

    "if either partner has jealousy issues, better stick with monogamy"

    Those who practice open relationships often feel marginalized, and of course would wish to level the playing field, and for some it means passively putting down monogamy as "for the weak" or something like that.
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    Dec 15, 2015 6:11 AM GMT
    you_know_its_true said
    "if either partner has jealousy issues, then having an open relationship will be a disaster"
    in this context is pretty much another way of saying
    "if either partner has jealousy issues, better stick with monogamy"

    Absolutely, obviously, etc.

    I think that the part that's perhaps implicit and not been made clear is that in order for an open relationship to work the two guys have to have had been together for many years. After many years the relationship can develop into one where there's a deep and strong emotional bond but sex isn't a big part of it. Just because the sex isn't a big part of the relationship doesn't mean that the love has died. Over time relationships evolve and change.

    The trust and lack of jealousy are what develop after many years. Two guys who've lived together for many years can love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together without needing to have sex together regularly.
  • you_know_Its_...

    Posts: 261

    Dec 15, 2015 6:33 AM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    you_know_its_true said
    "if either partner has jealousy issues, then having an open relationship will be a disaster"
    in this context is pretty much another way of saying
    "if either partner has jealousy issues, better stick with monogamy"

    Absolutely, obviously, etc...


    Isn't that exactly what OP is talking about, and what you denied in an earlier post?
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    Dec 15, 2015 7:39 PM GMT
    you_know_its_true said
    Lumpyoatmeal said
    you_know_its_true said"if either partner has jealousy issues, then having an open relationship will be a disaster"
    in this context is pretty much another way of saying
    "if either partner has jealousy issues, better stick with monogamy"
    Absolutely, obviously, etc...
    Isn't that exactly what OP is talking about, and what you denied in an earlier post?

    To quote you, "yikes some people are thick."

    The point I'm denying is that there's shaming involved.

    When people say that you can't have jealousy issues the implication, probably unstated, is that it takes years to develop trust in your partner (that's the maturity part; most importantly it's the relationship that's mature). Having an open relationship early on would be a complete mistake. It's perfectly normal to have insecurity about your partner sleeping with other guys in the early years of a relationship; as far as I'm concerned it would be a disaster waiting to happen.
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    Dec 15, 2015 7:52 PM GMT
    Ok, I did say "Or that they are insecure, immature, or lack trust." I'll retract/redact that part; it's normal to be insecure or mistrustful about your partner sleeping with other guys in the early years of a relationship.

    But my main point is that there's no implicit or indirect shaming of closed relationships; it's merely stating facts.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 15, 2015 9:19 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidNo, I think you're less than HIV. If you can read, reread. Just about every guy said monogamy was fine but that open can work if both want it AND you're both secure in yourselves and each other and the relationship. Are you a Republican? Hottjoe was an unpleasant person who liked to belittle others at every turn, usually by misrepresenting them or their words. I called him out on his supposed perfect monogamous relationship because happy people don't attack others' positions if they're harming no one. I doubt he had a partner at all. He knew nothing about love. Same with you.

    Wtf?

    I don't see why you're making personal attacks here.

    If you don't like negative discourse maybe you should try leading by example???icon_idea.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 15, 2015 9:20 PM GMT
    Lumpyoatmeal saidAnd besides, anyone who invokes the name HottJoe is obviously worth listening to.

    And I thought having a big dick was enough....
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    Dec 15, 2015 9:50 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    Lumpyoatmeal saidAnd besides, anyone who invokes the name HottJoe is obviously worth listening to.
    And I thought having a big dick was enough....

    In that case I'd have better things to do; listening is the last thing I'd want to do.
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    Dec 15, 2015 11:32 PM GMT
    This topic didn't need racial slurs or personal attacks, they OP made some good observations and wants to get some clarification or a counter point to what he asserts. Hot Joe, I know I have gone at you once or twice but I agree with you on monogamy which for me has to be there for a reasonable period at the start then if circumstances change to negotiate possibility of being open down the track. That works for me not for others. Overall both monogamy and open relationships require some disipline regarding the 'green eyed envy monster' known as jealousy. Yes both as does polyamory for that matter