Getting with Married Guy

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 05, 2015 11:33 AM GMT
    Lately, I've been trying to workout more. Like I admitted in one of my older posts, it's not something I want as I like my size but I know I can't attract guys I want otherwise, opposites just don't attract in the gay world. Really, I'm not doing for myself but just to attract. I tried to gain weight and got around to 135 but then I got sick and dropped back down to 121. Currently at 124-126... icon_sad.gif

    Anyway, I've tried to lower my standards and go for guys who I wasn't attracted to for "FWB". I met one guy who completely was not my type. He had a huge belly that frankly turned me off every time I saw it but sucked it up. I pretty much faked my way through it each time we met. I know it's horrible to say but I can't deny how I felt. Anyway, I called it off a bit later after a few meets.

    Onto the point. I recently got contacted from a guy I met 2 years ago. He's my ideal type for sure and I still remember when we first met, it felt great when we talked. All until he said, "I'm sorry... I can't lie to you because you seem nice. I have a wife." As much as I was attracted to him, I declined any further contact and suggested he try working things out with his wife and didn't talk to him since.

    But then he hit me up out of the blue a few weeks ago and we started talking again. He said he was still married but that he was still attracted to me and wanted to meet. I'm pretty split on this. On one hand, he's still married and his wife doesn't deserve this (I sure wouldn't want this). But on the other hand, I haven't been with a guy with mutual attraction in 7 years. It's nice to finally meet someone who you find appealing who feels the same way back.

    This just got me to thinking. Is it really that bad to mess with a married men even if it's a one time thing? I mean, he's the one choosing to cheat. Do I really need to take the blame? But then at the same time, I feel like a monster for thinking this. I feel so lost... It doesn't help that most men I attract, regardless of whether I find him attractive or not tend to be married (some read between the lines of "Discreet").

    He's my ideal type. He doesn't mind that I'm fem, in fact, he loves that (most married men seem to not mind). I'm just lost. Have any of you went through something like this? Please share your story if you have one.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Dec 05, 2015 7:56 PM GMT
    Suppose you began an affair with the married guy and, as a result, his wife divorced him and the children were very upset about it. Then how would you feel? Also, would you trust him to be faithful to you knowing that he left his wife for you? He might well leave you for someone else.

    In the short run you might find an affair with him to be very satisfying but in the long run, you might very much regret it.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 05, 2015 8:09 PM GMT
    FRE0 saidSuppose you began an affair with the married guy and, as a result, his wife divorced him and the children were very upset about it. Then how would you feel? Also, would you trust him to be faithful to you knowing that he left his wife for you? He might well leave you for someone else.

    In the short run you might find an affair with him to be very satisfying but in the long run, you might very much regret it.


    Well, I wouldn't be trying to date him since I know that would never turn out well but yes, I'd still feel guilt in the back of my head. I just wish he'd divorce her or something. Why do married men do this in the first place? If they're that unsatisfied with their partner to cheat, isn't that a sure sign that they might as well split?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Dec 05, 2015 8:19 PM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    FRE0 saidSuppose you began an affair with the married guy and, as a result, his wife divorced him and the children were very upset about it. Then how would you feel? Also, would you trust him to be faithful to you knowing that he left his wife for you? He might well leave you for someone else.

    In the short run you might find an affair with him to be very satisfying but in the long run, you might very much regret it.


    Well, I wouldn't be trying to date him since I know that would never turn out well but yes, I'd still feel guilt in the back of my head. I just wish he'd divorce her or something. Why do married men do this in the first place? If they're that unsatisfied with their partner to cheat, isn't that a sure sign that they might as well split?


    Perhaps. If they had split without any possibility that you had anything to do with it it would be a different matter. However, that is not the case.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 05, 2015 9:35 PM GMT
    FRE0 said
    BloodFlame said
    FRE0 saidSuppose you began an affair with the married guy and, as a result, his wife divorced him and the children were very upset about it. Then how would you feel? Also, would you trust him to be faithful to you knowing that he left his wife for you? He might well leave you for someone else.

    In the short run you might find an affair with him to be very satisfying but in the long run, you might very much regret it.


    Well, I wouldn't be trying to date him since I know that would never turn out well but yes, I'd still feel guilt in the back of my head. I just wish he'd divorce her or something. Why do married men do this in the first place? If they're that unsatisfied with their partner to cheat, isn't that a sure sign that they might as well split?


    Perhaps. If they had split without any possibility that you had anything to do with it it would be a different matter. However, that is not the case.


    Well I was talking in general because he isn't the first married guy who expressed interest in me.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Dec 05, 2015 9:49 PM GMT
    I strongly assume that the married guy you are talking to IS an adult?

    None of us here really know any and certainly not all the details of his arrangements with his wife. And frankly, none of it would be any of our business.

    True, we intuitively tend to judge. That's the wrong kind of intuition, though.

    The sole responsibility for all of HIS actions rests solely with him, and NOT with you.

    You did not marry his wife. You did not make any promises of fidelity to her or apparently to anyone else, for that matter.

    So, how any of the above could be any of YOUR problems?

    Well, it is not.

    You are free to draw whatever conclusions you wish to draw about the personality of you friend. You may or may not be right in believing that 'once a cheater - always a cheater', etc..

    But you should never overestimate YOUR role in this. You are not his moral or legal guardian. And if you turn him down, on the grounds of your own understanding of what is morally right or wrong, rest assured that he will do what practically all people in his positions do. He'll move on to the next candidate.

    In other words, he'll get his end of the deal come hell or high water. You can choose to get your end of the deal or not. That bit rests with you!

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 05, 2015 10:26 PM GMT
    I've never been in this exact situation, but I do get a lot of married men as well so I'll throw in my two cents. DON'T DO IT! I know it's tempting and I can see you trying to rationalize it and shift the blame by your last two paragraphs. When I was tempted, I had to put myself in his wife's shoes and imagine how I would feel if it had been done to me. I had to force myself to stop talking to the guy and completely cut off contact because at one point, he was the one who was tempting me. I knew it would have been a great few minutes of pleasure, but I would feel like shit afterwards.

    It may not be as simple as just "just split" on their end. Some will have to figure out financial arrangements and different arrangements for their kids and a ton of other stuff. Most want to stay married until their kids become adults. It's more complicated than you would imagine.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is DON'T DO IT! I know the heart wants what the heart wants, but you gotta think logically here. Let's say you do pursue an affair with him and you somehow develop strong feelings for him. Then what? His wife would still take precedence and you would be the "side chick". My advice to you is to cut off all contact and move on.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Dec 06, 2015 2:32 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidI strongly assume that the married guy you are talking to IS an adult?

    None of us here really know any and certainly not all the details of his arrangements with his wife. And frankly, none of it would be any of our business.

    True, we intuitively tend to judge. That's the wrong kind of intuition, though.

    The sole responsibility for all of HIS actions rests solely with him, and NOT with you.

    You did not marry his wife. You did not make any promises of fidelity to her or apparently to anyone else, for that matter.

    So, how any of the above could be any of YOUR problems?

    Well, it is not.

    You are free to draw whatever conclusions you wish to draw about the personality of you friend. You may or may not be right in believing that 'once a cheater - always a cheater', etc..

    But you should never overestimate YOUR role in this. You are not his moral or legal guardian. And if you turn him down, on the grounds of your own understanding of what is morally right or wrong, rest assured that he will do what practically all people in his positions do. He'll move on to the next candidate.

    In other words, he'll get his end of the deal come hell or high water. You can choose to get your end of the deal or not. That bit rests with you!

    SC


    The phrase "home wrecker" exists for a reason. It is used in many different cultures and countries.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 06, 2015 4:56 AM GMT
    BlueCrescent saidI've never been in this exact situation, but I do get a lot of married men as well so I'll throw in my two cents. DON'T DO IT! I know it's tempting and I can see you trying to rationalize it and shift the blame by your last two paragraphs. When I was tempted, I had to put myself in his wife's shoes and imagine how I would feel if it had been done to me. I had to force myself to stop talking to the guy and completely cut off contact because at one point, he was the one who was tempting me. I knew it would have been a great few minutes of pleasure, but I would feel like shit afterwards.

    It may not be as simple as just "just split" on their end. Some will have to figure out financial arrangements and different arrangements for their kids and a ton of other stuff. Most want to stay married until their kids become adults. It's more complicated than you would imagine.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is DON'T DO IT! I know the heart wants what the heart wants, but you gotta think logically here. Let's say you do pursue an affair with him and you somehow develop strong feelings for him. Then what? His wife would still take precedence and you would be the "side chick". My advice to you is to cut off all contact and move on.


    I hear you. I understand that it's not easy to go through a split. I don't know if he has kids. He says he doesn't but who knows? I just really feel heavy attraction for him, like I said. For the first time in a long while, a guy who is my type is actually expressing interest back to me and that's something I've never gotten to experience before you know?

    It just feels like one of those rare opportunities you may not get in life ever again.

    I haven't gotten back to him yet but I guess I'll just call it off even though in the back of my head, I know I'm passing up a once in a lifetime experience... icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 7:55 AM GMT
    Don't do it, man. It's not worth it. Here's the one that married and choose the commitment to his wife. There's plenty of handsome men out there, really. Don't become discouraged.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 06, 2015 8:00 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said Snip


    Yeah, I feel like I'm the kind of person who'd get attached... Recipe for disaster.

    MaybeIfICould saidDon't do it, man. It's not worth it. Here's the one that married and choose the commitment to his wife. There's plenty of handsome men out there, really. Don't become discouraged.


    There may be plenty of "handsome" single gay men but 95% of the time, they're looking for masculine, straight acting guys of which I can't live up to heh... icon_neutral.gif

    So I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel like I didn't have to take what I can get lol.

    But I hear you...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 8:09 AM GMT
    There's men that will accept you as you are. Don't become discouraged. You just have to be patient. I know it's hard.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Dec 06, 2015 9:15 AM GMT
    Most of the people here are saying don't do it, and I think in your case I would agree.. but for different reasons...

    In your case, I think you would get attached to him and you'd end up hurt in the end. It's clear he's staying with his wife and he's not going to break up.. If he were going to, it would have happened by now. You said he was interested in you a year ago.. so clearly he's still with his wife, still screwing around with guys and doesn't intend to leave.. As someone said, we don't know his situation, she may be aware of it and accept it (even tacitly) or she may not.. but normally I'd say this isn't your problem. If you're interested in sex with him (and nothing else) then I'd say go for it..

    HOWEVER, in your case I would not do it.. you've not had anyone that you've been physically attracted to for 7 years.. so if you did have sex with him it's likely you'd get attached.. you think he's attractive, and if sex wasn't horrendous (which it usually isn't - even if it's not good) then you'd rationalise it and you'd feel more for him.. this would just leave you hurt and alone in the end, in a much worse situation than you are now...

    The reality is that you're going to rationalise whatever you do.. but I'd agree with the few people that have already said - there are guys out there that would like you for who you are, and you should keep looking until you find one..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 2:55 PM GMT
    I wouldn't based on what you mentioned from this whole situation.

    But you're going to end up doing what you want to do anyways. You can only take our advice with a grain of salt and maybe still go with whatever choice you were planning on doing before you made this thread.

    But take care man. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 3:02 PM GMT
    go for it if the sex is good.

    step up and get the married man to understand its only sex no friendship, no relationship. Your still dating and he has to maintain his family life on his own time. He takes responsibility and arrives at your house with a good attitude. What ever happens its his problemo. Ideal situation.

    -sad he is gay in a straight relationship. Marriage and children not a disease you catch one day. He did it to him self
    -your not his moral compass, if not you he would find someone else
    -men most often would rather cheat than fix a relationship
    -might mention this; all cheaters eventually get caught, likely they want to get caught.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 3:28 PM GMT
    A bit too much moralism on here. If you want to fuck with him, then do it. You will not be causing the end of this guy's marriage. If he's not having sex with you, be assured he is having it with other guys. Who knows - he might have an "arrangement" with his wife.

    But don't expect him to leave his marriage for you. that rarely happens. So enjoy yourself for once, but know that if you fall for him, you will likely get your heart broken.

    OTOH, no one ever dies of a broken heart. At your age, you have a lot of time for future relationships, after any affair you have with this guy - whether it's shallow or deep.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 06, 2015 5:15 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have some low self esteem issues. Why would you date or fuck some guy you are not attracted to? I can understand a hooked up after a night of drinking, but to intentionally date or hookup with someone you have no attraction to. Let me grab my barf bag.

    As for messing with some married guy, well, no advice ... the heart wants what it wants. I'm sure you're totally aware of all the positive and negative aspects. And don't forget the old saying about a woman scorned if she ever finds out. There are many out gay men who started out married to a woman. I have a little sympathy for the women they are married to, but not too much. I'm pretty sure their women knew what they were getting into to begin with. I guess some of them think they can change them. It's karma. You get what you deserve.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 6:03 PM GMT
    needsomebodytohold saidTaking a golden rule approach to morality, if you met a guy, fell in love, and then made a lifetime commitment to marry him would you want him to be fucking someone who he met online behind your back? If the answer to this question is no (by the way it should be) you should probably not do that to someone else.

    Will his marriage end because of you. NO his marriage will end because he is confused about who he is and/or a liar but that shouldn't make you feel better about yourself.

    Your loneliness doesn't justify what you're considering pursuing with this married man. I hope this guy is just married and doesn't have children. No offense to anyone, but closeted gays who lie to women, marry them, and then cheat on them make the entire gay community look bad. If you really want to pretend like your straight than commit to it and pretend like you're fucking straight. Having an affair outside of marriage is wrong.

    P.S. Before anyone starts bitching about how my views and opinions are outdated traditional, conservative, or religious bullshit. I am not that religious at all, I just have more respect for other people's relationships than most people (Especially in the gay community), and I believe that when a man makes a commitment he should honor it no matter what. My view on this is based out of respect for other people not based off of any religion.

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 06, 2015 6:40 PM GMT
    I've known guys in both gay and straight marriages (or the equivalent) who love their spouse, love their kids, love their lives and yet find that every once in a while, they just need something they can't get within the marriage. And they try to forget about it until they just need it and need it now. I have a married gay guy now trying to get me to meet with him. I'd guess he's 50. We haven't met because I'm staying monogamous right now but we've had a couple of very heartfelt conversations. He's agonizing over it but his partner just has lost interest in sex and intimate contact. He's never looked outside his marriage before but is considering it now. I think if he does find a safe guy, it will be for two or three meets and he'll be back to monogamy for a good long while.

    I think there are cases where a touch of marital extracurricular may actually help save a marriage.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 06, 2015 8:43 PM GMT
    Not the first time I've heard this but here's how it's basically going to play out.

    -He's not going to end his marriage to be with you.
    -You'll never be seen as anything more than his dirty little secret.
    -You lose them the same way you find them.
    -You're disrupting his household to satisfy YOUR personal needs/urges. Which makes you look immoral and selfish.

    I say burn whatever attachments/attractions you think might exist IMMEDIATELY and move on.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 06, 2015 9:47 PM GMT
    MaybeIfICould saidThere's men that will accept you as you are. Don't become discouraged. You just have to be patient. I know it's hard.


    Experience so far has taught me otherwise but okay...

    mar0302 said Snip

    Yeah, knowing me, I'd probably get attached so I suppose it wouldn't be a good idea.

    pellaz saidgo for it if the sex is good.

    step up and get the married man to understand its only sex no friendship, no relationship. Your still dating and he has to maintain his family life on his own time. He takes responsibility and arrives at your house with a good attitude. What ever happens its his problemo. Ideal situation.

    -sad he is gay in a straight relationship. Marriage and children not a disease you catch one day. He did it to him self
    -your not his moral compass, if not you he would find someone else
    -men most often would rather cheat than fix a relationship
    -might mention this; all cheaters eventually get caught, likely they want to get caught.



    See, that's what I would think but part of me knows that if the shoe were on the other foot, I wouldn't want my guy sleeping behind my back so there's that.

    This situation is just making me hate "straight" closeted men who knowingly choose to get married and even have kids to preserve their straight image.

    Puppenjunge saidA bit too much moralism on here. If you want to fuck with him, then do it. You will not be causing the end of this guy's marriage. If he's not having sex with you, be assured he is having it with other guys. Who knows - he might have an "arrangement" with his wife.


    No, he is not in an arrangement. When I first met him and he revealed he was married, the very next question I asked was "Does your wife know about this?" to which he responded with "no". He told her she was at the gym.

    Yeah and he looks like a person who'd try to keep this secret to the grave.




  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 06, 2015 10:02 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidSounds like you have some low self esteem issues. Why would you date or fuck some guy you are not attracted to? I can understand a hooked up after a night of drinking, but to intentionally date or hookup with someone you have no attraction to. Let me grab my barf bag.

    As for messing with some married guy, well, no advice ... the heart wants what it wants. I'm sure you're totally aware of all the positive and negative aspects. And don't forget the old saying about a woman scorned if she ever finds out. There are many out gay men who started out married to a woman. I have a little sympathy for the women they are married to, but not too much. I'm pretty sure their women knew what they were getting into to begin with. I guess some of them think they can change them. It's karma. You get what you deserve.



    At the time, I was really thinking maybe I could change my attraction to guys who weren't my type since I was having no luck getting guys I was attracted to. No matter how hard I tried, it just never worked.

    Yeah karma...

    needsomebodytohold said closeted gays who lie to women, marry them, and then cheat on them make the entire gay community look bad. If you really want to pretend like your straight than commit to it and pretend like you're fucking straight. Having an affair outside of marriage is wrong.





    Lol yes. If you're "Straight acting", you better live up to that name well and if you willingly impregnate her, well you really need to keep that image, at least until they're older.

    That's one thing I can agree with.

    But I hear you. Unless you're in an open relationship, you should work on your marriage instead (or divorce if you just can't reconcile).

    Destinharbor saidI've known guys in both gay and straight marriages (or the equivalent) who love their spouse, love their kids, love their lives and yet find that every once in a while, they just need something they can't get within the marriage. And they try to forget about it until they just need it and need it now. I have a married gay guy now trying to get me to meet with him. I'd guess he's 50. We haven't met because I'm staying monogamous right now but we've had a couple of very heartfelt conversations. He's agonizing over it but his partner just has lost interest in sex and intimate contact. He's never looked outside his marriage before but is considering it now. I think if he does find a safe guy, it will be for two or three meets and he'll be back to monogamy for a good long while.

    I think there are cases where a touch of marital extracurricular may actually help save a marriage.


    Ugh.... See that's where I can how someone is driven to cheat. I mean, I know relationships aren't just about sex but they do make a fraction of it (the other being personality/compatibility). If your partner stops wanting sex, it's only natural that the guy will become sex-starved and may result in him wanting to cheat for the physical.

    That is probably the only situation I can sympathize.

    maxxtowt saidNot the first time I've heard this but here's how it's basically going to play out.

    -He's not going to end his marriage to be with you.
    -You'll never be seen as anything more than his dirty little secret.
    -You lose them the same way you find them.
    -You're disrupting his household to satisfy YOUR personal needs/urges. Which makes you look immoral and selfish.

    I say burn whatever attachments/attractions you think might exist IMMEDIATELY and move on.


    Yeah I guess you have a point.
  • ai82

    Posts: 183

    Dec 06, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
    maxxtowt saidNot the first time I've heard this but here's how it's basically going to play out.

    -He's not going to end his marriage to be with you.
    -You'll never be seen as anything more than his dirty little secret.
    -You lose them the same way you find them.

    -You're disrupting his household to satisfy YOUR personal needs/urges. Which makes you look immoral and selfish.

    I say burn whatever attachments/attractions you think might exist IMMEDIATELY and move on.


    Question: Why do you think he told you he was married? Was it to gain your trust...to be a honest cheater...was it to let you know this was'nt going to be a serious relationship...was it because he felt bad about what he was doing? If he had'nt told you you might have a relationship already.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 06, 2015 11:10 PM GMT
    I can't believe some of the people here. Is the answer not obvious? Let's not mix up the woes of the closeted man as an excuse for throwing away basic human decency. Yes, if it's not OP, the married scumbag will cheat with someone else, but that someone else will also be partly responsible if they know what's going on... do you want to be that homewrecker?
  • ABPinDallas

    Posts: 9

    Dec 06, 2015 11:23 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidI strongly assume that the married guy you are talking to IS an adult?

    None of us here really know any and certainly not all the details of his arrangements with his wife. And frankly, none of it would be any of our business.

    True, we intuitively tend to judge. That's the wrong kind of intuition, though.

    The sole responsibility for all of HIS actions rests solely with him, and NOT with you.

    You did not marry his wife. You did not make any promises of fidelity to her or apparently to anyone else, for that matter.

    So, how any of the above could be any of YOUR problems?

    Well, it is not.

    You are free to draw whatever conclusions you wish to draw about the personality of you friend. You may or may not be right in believing that 'once a cheater - always a cheater', etc..

    But you should never overestimate YOUR role in this. You are not his moral or legal guardian. And if you turn him down, on the grounds of your own understanding of what is morally right or wrong, rest assured that he will do what practically all people in his positions do. He'll move on to the next candidate.

    In other words, he'll get his end of the deal come hell or high water. You can choose to get your end of the deal or not. That bit rests with you!

    SC

    =-=-=-=
    You did open up a mine field as you can see from the various answers here. I, being older and wiser, tend to agree with Silver Cloud. I wonder, however, if you are old enough emotionally to take this on. If you can keep it purely physical, it could be incredibly satisfying. You both are obviously attracted to one another. Just remember he is what so many of us crave - a fuck buddy - period - no strings attached. If you are able to keep it that way, you will be fine.