Mature way to deal with backstabbing acquaintance?

  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 07, 2015 12:20 AM GMT
    Looong story, be warned.... There’s this guy in my circle of friends (let’s call him Ash) whom I don’t care for because I find him fake and manipulative, but I tolerate his presence because he’s friends with my friends. We’re both the oldest in the group (the others are slightly younger and somewhat naïve), so he knows I can see through his fakeness. This is reflected in the way he’s overly nice to everyone else in the group except me. Whatever, at least he’s honest in that one aspect.

    On Friday night I went on a date with a guy (let’s call him Brian), and the next day I hung out with these friends for a while before Ash joined us. They asked about my date, and wanted to see a picture of the guy. I mentioned how nice and cute the guy was but that he’s too tall for me and that I hope only to be friends. When I showed them a picture, 2 of them recognized Brian as someone Ash is still in love with despite currently having a boyfriend, so they insisted that this be kept secret. I hate secrets, but agreed not to volunteer this information.

    When Ash and his bf arrived, it wasn’t long before he too asked about my date and to see a picture of the guy. I kept repeating “nah I don’t wanna jinx it” or something to that effect, but he insisted, citing how we always show each other our dates. Being a terrible liar, I was flustered and starting to look silly, so I relented and showed him. He reacted well, opening up about his history with Brian, how it didn’t work out, then tried to persuade me to “go for him” because Brian’s a “great guy”.

    The next day I get a message from Brian asking me if I was talking poorly about him to my friends. I told him that the worst thing I possibly said was that I wanted to shrink him down to my size lol. He said “that’s not what I was told. Take care buddy”.

    There’s really only one explanation for this, and that is Ash is the two-faced backstabber that I always knew him to be! I asked Brian for clarification, wondering aloud why Ash would make things up when it could be so easily disproven by 4 other friends present. Brian eventually apologized for jumping to conclusions, revealing that he had just cleared things up with Ash, who – knowing that his lies are being verified – listed concrete examples of my misdeeds (probably the most negatively-spun version of what I actually said), which Brian realized wasn't that bad at all.

    So he and I reconciled, but there’s still the issue of Ash. Before this, it was easier to just be neutral and keep him at arms length, but now it won’t be possible to be in the same room with my friends and him, knowing that he will go out of his way to sabotage me. Dealing privately with such a manipulator will accomplish nothing, so I posted on our friend circle’s group chat a screenshot of my earlier messages with Brian, along with an innocent “hmm what’s going on?”, despite there being no other way for my friends to interpret this, but they have to know.

    I think I’m justified in escalating this, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2015 12:46 AM GMT
    I say do nothing further. You've handled things well so far, and if you get into it with Ash, it's just a lot of trouble with nothing to gain but angst and getting mud slung at you. Lousy people are their own worst enemies: "Leave them alone and they'll just moan, wagging their tails behind them."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2015 3:43 PM GMT
    You need to turn Ash into ashes icon_lol.gif essentially, invite everyone to dinner and have a poker face on BUT, blast him in front of your group of friends at a random time and let everyone around you see him for who he really is. TRUST ME, the element of surprise always works because he won't have time to think of a response...

    Do this in a calm manner, throwing in a disapproving head shake every other sentence.


    icon_cool.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 07, 2015 4:16 PM GMT
    The mature way to handle it is to speak to your friends privately (whether one to one or as a group that doesn't include him) and let them know that he has said unpleasant and untrue things about you and you no longer wish to be in his company/have anything more to do with him.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Dec 07, 2015 9:13 PM GMT

    Give em hell!
    ........................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 08, 2015 5:37 AM GMT
    Surely your friends know you better than we do. All we know about you is that you like to make unjustified nasty comments about people.

    Seems like a natural assumption...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 09, 2015 2:59 PM GMT
    That's how it is. There is always gonna be a douchebag acquaintance in your friends circle with one of these three types, whether it's someone's boyfriend, someone who is two faced, or someone who you can only get drunk or high with to enjoy their company.

    In this case it's a two faced person.

    I think you handled it well. Your standards are very high, but I think you dealt with it fantastic.

    You also need to question your friendship circle. Because it seems like "Ash" is very much accepted by them and I see this as an issue and friction, and I would hate for this to end ugly.

    Best of luck. icon_smile.gif
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 11, 2015 4:52 AM GMT
    ^^What do you mean "standards are high"? Anyway it's over now... him and I will never be in the same room together again:

    The friend in that circle whom I confided with most, unfortunately was in the bathroom and missed the part where Ash discovered my friendship with Brian, so he refused to take sides. He suggested I talk to Ash directly. Kinda late since I already exposed him on the group chat, but whatever.

    I messaged Ash asking him to explain what Brian was talking about (despite Brian having explained everything already and have reconciled, in case Ash wants to dig his hole deeper with more lies). I 90% expected him to BS me, but in hindsight, him choosing the nuclear option really was the only choice since there's no weaseling out of something so black-and-white.

    He said “No. I don’t care to explain or talk to you at all”. I replied “how are you angry? I’m the one who got sabotaged for no reason”. Then he retorted that my friends must mean nothing to me, to be dragging them into this drama, and blamed my “actions”. I said it was his actions that made me lose trust in him and forced me to go public. Then he began a long and histronic text saying how he has hated me from the day we met, but only put up with me for the sake of the others, etc etc. It was so bad that I can’t imagine us being in the same room ever again. I replied that he’s only lashing out because he’s been caught, and that everyone knows it’s 98% his fault. (The other 2% might be my insensitivity?)

    The "everyone" part might be a stretch, because I’m worried that some of the other friends are too gullible and might fall for his manipulations. No idea how they will deal with this fracture in the group (they’ll have to split their time, or choose one of us lol). On the other hand I’m kinda relieved that what in hindsight was an inevitability has finally happened and that I’ve purged my friend circle of those who are fake, so I can live honestly and at ease with my remaining friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 12, 2015 8:05 AM GMT
    Well, you certainly could have been a bit more diplomatic with him. Escalating the situation probably wasn't the best thing to do. Might have been best to confront him first.

    As someone who hates drama, I try to diffuse situations like this as soon as they arise. Never add to the fire. Whenever I'm in a spot like this, I just attempt to take the person aside, and try to agree on the fact that we don't have to be best friends with each other, but we can both be civil. It's not high school anymore.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 1:54 PM GMT
    Sounds like Brian dodged two bullets. Hopefully he'll avoid petty people in the future.
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 22, 2015 12:53 AM GMT
    lol why do you hate me?
  • christastic

    Posts: 376

    Dec 22, 2015 1:02 AM GMT
    Brannon saidWell, you certainly could have been a bit more diplomatic with him. Escalating the situation probably wasn't the best thing to do. Might have been best to confront him first.

    As someone who hates drama, I try to diffuse situations like this as soon as they arise. Never add to the fire. Whenever I'm in a spot like this, I just attempt to take the person aside, and try to agree on the fact that we don't have to be best friends with each other, but we can both be civil. It's not high school anymore.


    I didn't think confronting him privately would do anything because I didn't trust him.

    So I saw two of those friends a couple weeks ago for the first time since the incident, and am relieved that they didn’t find me at any fault here. They assured me that I’m the “main” friend and that they don’t hang out with Ash that much anyway. Apparently Ash phoned both of them to tell them how horrible I am, but they defended me. They were diplomatic and didn’t say a word against Ash. One assured me that Ash will “get over it”. Which irked me a bit, because here I was thinking that the main issue was how he went out of his way to sabotage me! If I witnessed someone do that to a friend, I would never be able to trust that person even if he did me no wrong.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 22, 2015 2:04 AM GMT
    Not the way I would have handled it. I agree with PulseFit said.

    I'm friends with people who are friends with people I don't like, who have been pretty shitty to me in the past. That's their choice, though. I don't expect my friends to take sides.

    When someone says to me "How come you don't like _______?" I just say "I know you are friends with them and I don't want you to feel like you're in the middle of something" and leave it at that.

    I can see someone I don't like in a social situation and be polite without being fake. That has kept me more friends than I have lost over any spats with backstabbers.