What do I do with this relationship? Engaged to the supposed love of my life

  • saunj11

    Posts: 10

    Dec 08, 2015 1:49 AM GMT
    Well I really don't know where to begin. Let me first start of by apologizing if this is a long post.

    I started dating my fiancé back in September 2014. I fell amazingly in love with him from day one, and never ever thought I would find someone so perfect for me.

    Like all gay relationship, there were small issues of trust etc but nothing ever major or something that clearly said he was cheating on me. We traveled overseas twice together and I seriously knew that this was the guy I was going to marry.

    Now before I start with our first major fight, let me just say that I caught him numerous times receiving dic pics etc on snapchat etc and once even woke up with him next to me jerking off snapchat in hand. Well , I guess some people would of ended it there, but we had our fair share of arguments over it and he deleted it.

    Anyways over the summer he started treating me different. I just felt as if something was up, he got texts from his ex one night and I saw his name come up, asked him about it and then he freaked out saying I don't trust him etc. whatever I let it go until later that night. I went onto his phone and found out for the last 8 months he had been texting guys sending nudes etc he sent a lot to his ex too. We had a huge fight over it after I woke him up at 3am over it. Anyways he told me he wasn't perfect and told me he would change. Chance no 1 I guess.

    Now I'm not going to go in detail again with what happened after but. I found history on his phone where he was looking on Craigslist personals. He went home to North Carolina for a family weekend once and I saw he was on Grindr. Never said anything because he didn't send pictures. He was in the middle of no where so I knew it was him. Anyways we got engaged one our one year and since then (September this yea) everything has been great.

    Anyways now the grand finale. He is a pilot and going to work for a new company soon. He left this morning and flew out of a nearby city. Me being the ridiculous fiancé I just had to make sure he wasn't on Grindr again. Low and behold I followed him from the city about 70 miles from me all the way to Salt Lake City. Plopped my Grindr right over his location and he messaged the fake account I made. He sent me his face pic. At the same time he was sending me texts saying he loves me and he misses me and he's sorry he had to leave

    I took a photo of the conversation and replied saying the only thing he was going to be sorry about was this. He phoned me straight away was crying and saying he loved me and didn't know what he was thinking.

    What do I do with this? I love him to bits and adore him, I almost feel sorry for him and think he needs help. But at the same time I should not have to be doing this and it's not healthy for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2015 2:13 AM GMT
    Ya know....most of the times when people post about relationship problems on here, there is usually room for hope and forgiveness. But not this time. This goes WAY beyond reconciliation. Sorry to be blunt but your fiancé is a creep. If you stay with him your life will be absolute hell. Cheaters only cheat more once they realize they're trapped in a marriage.

    I don't expect you to take my advice because I get the feeling you're taking the role of the doormat housewife who will put up with anything. The fact that you kept your mouth shut because he didn't send any pics on Grindr says a lot. Who the fuck cares? The fact is he was on a hookup app.

    Take this to the bank though....marrying this guy will be the worst mistake of your life.
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    Dec 08, 2015 2:17 AM GMT
    How many times since July have you posted on here, asking what to do about your cheating boyfriend? I mean really, why do you bother since you continuously ignored most of the advice given to you about this issue in the past.

    Either dump him or accept that you are in an open relationship. Stop dithering around and make a decision already!
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    Dec 08, 2015 2:19 AM GMT
    YVRguy saidHow many times since July have you posted on here, asking what to do about your cheating boyfriend? I mean really, why do you bother since you continuously ignored most of the advice given to you about this issue in the past.

    Either dump him or accept that you are in an open relationship. Stop dithering around and make a decision already!



    He is not in an open relationship. Both parties have to agree to make it open. Let's be clear; he's in a DOORMAT relationship.
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    Dec 08, 2015 2:28 AM GMT
    You misunderstood me: he needs to dump the guy or accept an open relationship because the BF is obviously not going to change his behaviour.
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    Dec 08, 2015 2:31 AM GMT
    Damn dude you're only 22! What the Hell are you thinking getting engaged at such a young age?! Dump him pronto.
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    Dec 08, 2015 3:03 AM GMT
    I highly suggest to stop being a doormat and falling for those fake crocodile tears. He doesn't even sound like a man, I know girls with bigger dicks then your boyfriend. If it was me I'd walk out in a heartbeat.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 08, 2015 3:25 AM GMT

    You have attachment issues and he's not big on monogamy for himself. He's proven himself a liar and untrustworthy.


    "I fell amazingly in love with him from day one"


    No, you fell in love with the way he made you feel. If you don't separate this person from your feelings, you will continue to make poor deicisions about your relationship based on your addiction to your feelings.


    It sucks, i know. Everyone is searching for meaning, and it's nice to love something even if it hurts you, but that's the way people feel about cocaine and alcohol and a whole lot of other shit. Don't make this "magical" because you are using a person as your drug.

    You'll meet other people. You'll get addicted to the way they make you feel too.



    " I almost feel sorry for him and think he needs help."


    Do you think it really bothers him having his cake and eating it too? He feels bad about being caught. The only help he needs is either a nice solid beating that wakes him up into not being an asshole, or someone to teach him how not to get caught so easily.



    " But at the same time I should not have to be doing this and it's not healthy for me"


    well there you go. : )


    You know what to do and why you need to do it. The only question is whether you are strong enough or smart enough.




  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Dec 08, 2015 3:36 AM GMT
    YVRguy saidHow many times since July have you posted on here, asking what to do about your cheating boyfriend? I mean really, why do you bother since you continuously ignored most of the advice given to you about this issue in the past.

    Either dump him or accept that you are in an open relationship. Stop dithering around and make a decision already!


    This. +1

    Your BF was not cut out for a monogamous relationship.

    Many if not most men are of this kind. Cheating is very widespread among men of all sexual orientations. Our hard-wiring tells us to spread our seed as far and as wide as we can. Monogamy is a weak, very superficial, new socio-cultural trait if compared to the powerful evolutionary imprinting you are looking into here.

    A few dudes are better than the others in controlling this primal urge. But yeah, some guys are nowhere close to getting there.

    You can have your guy if you understand and agree to an open relationship from now on. Or you can do whatever you want, but he'll be having sex with whomever he chooses to, whenever the opportunity arises, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

    You can love your BF and he can love you, but you'll never own him.

    SC
  • David3K

    Posts: 231

    Dec 08, 2015 5:49 AM GMT
    Youve been together for only 2 years and hes showed cheater behaviour already. You decide if you want to stay with him or not, but if you do be careful, dont trust him sexually as he might infect you with some STDs, HIV included.
  • saunj11

    Posts: 10

    Dec 08, 2015 7:12 AM GMT
    I'm just scared of making the wrong decision. I dont want to tell the kid adios and then a week or two later I feel like ive made a terrible decision. I dont know maybe im just screwed in the head and just being emotionally manipulated and bullied too. Its just so hard to get out of this. Im scared and dont want to be left. I honesty felt like this guy was my soulmate.

    Thanks for all your replies though. I think I need to speak to some friends about this too in person and see what their scope on the situation is.
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    Dec 08, 2015 7:26 AM GMT
    move on and be a happy single guy, believe that you'll meet the right person someday. The more you worry about something, it will happen in ur life. So stop worrying....
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    Dec 08, 2015 12:32 PM GMT
    Why do people get engaged after a year?
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    Dec 08, 2015 12:54 PM GMT
    You are 22. Why are you open to the idea of committing the REST OF YOUR LIFE with someone? Or is that not what marriage implies to you? Honestly, coming from a 21-year old, how could you possibly know yourself well enough to know if another person is the person you're willing to spend the rest of your life with? There's so much to do in the world. Do you even have a start to a career? Have you traveled? How many guys have you even dated? The idea of marrying so young baffles me.

    Besides that, this guy is unfaithful and if you want a monogamous relationship, he isn't your man.
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    Dec 08, 2015 12:58 PM GMT
    IsigVinter saidYou are 22. Why are you open to the idea of committing the REST OF YOUR LIFE with someone? Or is that not what marriage implies to you? Honestly, coming from a 21-year old, how could you possibly know yourself well enough to know if another person is the person you're willing to spend the rest of your life with? There's so much to do in the world. Do you even have a start to a career? Have you traveled? How many guys have you even dated? The idea of marrying so young baffles me.

    Besides that, this guy is unfaithful and if you want a monogamous relationship, he isn't your man.


    PulseFit saidWhy do people get engaged after a year?


    I feel like the OP should watch the disney movie Frozen. Where Anna wanted to marry a prince she just met on the same day they met and her sister told her you can't marry a man you just met. Come to find out that the prince wanted to just use her. Story of your life? I highly suggest you take notes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 08, 2015 1:53 PM GMT
    If your fiancé is a pathological liar--and it would appear that he may be--then you need to reevaluate your relationship because pathological liars never change. They may stop lying for a brief period once they're caught, but eventually they go back to habitual or compulsive lying because that's their DNA. Unless you're perfectly comfortable second-guessing your partner all the time for the rest of your life because of mistrust, then you clearly must do something about your situation. Best wishes.
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    Dec 08, 2015 3:24 PM GMT
    PulseFit saidWhy do people get engaged after a year?


    I did, but then again my spouse and I aren't 22 years old.
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    Dec 08, 2015 3:40 PM GMT
    the OP's 1 year investment in this relationship is low. The cheating bf is doing the OP a favor and the two should separate.

    no emotion necessary for this.
    The op should start apartment shopping. Start removing clothing and belongings. Get a new phone#, emails and change his passwords. Than just walk through the door and leave.

    partners dating for 3+ years have a noticeable ability to avoid breakup.

  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 08, 2015 5:54 PM GMT
    I'm sorry. I don't want to read the whole thing again but do you have any evidence or even good knowledge that he has actually met with any of these guys? You can be unhappy about dick pics and his need for constant validation but if he isn't actually meeting these guys, I think the situation is completely different. If he's a pilot, I'm assuming he's a good bit older than you. More than one guy out there has gotten addicted to trawling these sites for entertainment and sexual stimulation. If you don't have any real suspicion of an actual meet, as in when and where, you might just ask him to delete all these kinds of accounts and swear to never use them again. Or... just ask him for all his names and passwords and ask if he'd mind if you looked over his conversations. See what happens. I don't recommend you actually do it but his reaction might be interesting.

    Everyone here is pretty quick to assume the worst and will almost always recommend an OP dump his partner (for just about any reason) but sometimes you have to negotiate a happy ending (pun intended). But you also have to get over checking up behind him and even trying to trap him. People are complex and it almost always get weird when you get to the bottom of someone's secret sexual basement of the mind. That's partly what forges a good relationship-- that you each have each other's worst secrets and you'll protect them. Bet you've got some of your own...
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    Dec 09, 2015 12:34 AM GMT
    Radd saidYa know....most of the times when people post about relationship problems on here, there is usually room for hope and forgiveness. But not this time. This goes WAY beyond reconciliation. Sorry to be blunt but your fiancé is a creep. If you stay with him your life will be absolute hell. Cheaters only cheat more once they realize they're trapped in a marriage.

    I don't expect you to take my advice because I get the feeling you're taking the role of the doormat housewife who will put up with anything. The fact that you kept your mouth shut because he didn't send any pics on Grindr says a lot. Who the fuck cares? The fact is he was on a hookup app.

    Take this to the bank though....marrying this guy will be the worst mistake of your life.


    +1
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    Dec 09, 2015 3:00 AM GMT
    Mesmer saidI highly suggest to stop being a doormat and falling for those fake crocodile tears. He doesn't even sound like a man, I know girls with bigger dicks then your boyfriend. If it was me I'd walk out in a heartbeat.


    I agree. Dump his ass. The first time you caught him next to you in bed jerking off to snapchat would(and should have been the first red flag) do you see how this escalates OP?

    He's not a man, he's a pussylip.

    Dump his ass an move on. Also, engaged at 22? grow up and find yourself first. Marriage is for men, not boys. My ex is 22, and to me, that's like 17 in gay years.

    Peace and love be with you.

    --James
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    Dec 09, 2015 3:09 AM GMT
    After reading the OP's post and all the comments. The OP's fiancée is psychologically disturbed and destroyed. There is nothing anyone can do to help him. He either needs to seek professional help, or dissolve the marriage because that relationship will not work, AT ALL!

    The only logical thing that makes sense to me is to dump him and move on. Once he is single, he will have no reservations to cheat.

    This is why I hate grindr and social media apps because they allow and enable this kind of stuff to happen on a much more grand scale and it's hard to regulate and control. We as humans are good tertiary care and about dealing with situations, but not with preventative measures to stop this kind of behavior before it manifests into a toxic situation that will destroy everything and everyone in it's path.

    Gay men are especially hard to talk to and seem to have some of the worst communication skills next to drug addicts or alcoholics.

    My advice to you, is to separate form him and move on. You're young still, and have lots of time to figure yourself and your life out and what you want from it. You don't need some floozy of a man running around and sleeping with every guy he comes into contact with.

    Time and again, I see and hear these types of situations unfold and they almost always have the same tone and flavor as this one, and all end the same way.

    So, it's no surprise to me how this story played out and unfolded.

    Dump him and move on.

    --James
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    Dec 09, 2015 3:12 AM GMT
    IsigVinter saidYou are 22. Why are you open to the idea of committing the REST OF YOUR LIFE with someone? Or is that not what marriage implies to you? Honestly, coming from a 21-year old, how could you possibly know yourself well enough to know if another person is the person you're willing to spend the rest of your life with? There's so much to do in the world. Do you even have a start to a career? Have you traveled? How many guys have you even dated? The idea of marrying so young baffles me.

    Besides that, this guy is unfaithful and if you want a monogamous relationship, he isn't your man.


    Not everyone can afford to or wants to travel.

    But I agree with you. 22 or 21 is too young to marry or even be in a relationship for that matter.
  • Saffron69

    Posts: 121

    Dec 09, 2015 3:30 AM GMT
    gotta having gone the trust issues thing... though I must say not as hectic as this... you have proven time and time again he can't be trusted the fact of the matter is marrying at your age is dangerous as well by the time you get to you late 20s ul be a completely different person. I suggest you get out of this before it kilss you. he's travelling he wants to enjoy it. in spite of you relationship he has intention of wanting to do it some guys are just like that. If you're looking for real commitment you won't find it where you are now.
  • saunj11

    Posts: 10

    Dec 09, 2015 5:06 AM GMT
    Well thanks for all the replies.

    I agree with mostly everyone says. This is my second relationship and first serious one I guess. So I think emotionally I am just having a hard time to let go. I really want to but just struggle to do so. The thought of him even sleeping with other guys after we break up makes me so mad, I am an extremely jealous and possessive person. I think seeing him on Grindr too openly after we break up would just hurt me. How do I get over this and grow the hell up? I'm so scared I'm going to be unhappy afterwards

    And secondly. Is there any gay men out there still today that are actually monogamous. I feel totally lost and scared like everything is just a big shit show nowadays with all these social media apps etc, exactly what James said