Guy's way of showing affection is physically hurting me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 10:20 PM GMT
    I've been seeing this guy for two months. Everything is going great except for this thing he does when he tries to be affectionate.

    Let me give you an example. We're in bed making out, then he will grab both my nipples really hard to the point it starts to hurt. He will bite my neck aggressively (I've already gotten two hickeys). He will start caressing my hair and then suddenly pulling it to the point it starts hurting.

    He also does this childish thing where he starts touching my beard and then slowly puts my finger in one of my nostrils and then put that finger in my mouth. I resist it and he laughs thinking that it's "cute."

    One time he was lying on the couch and I was sitting at the other end with my phone and he kicked it. I told him to please stop but the more I let him know I was annoyed, the more he did it.
    He's also very sarcastic in his comments.

    I told him about this via text (which was a mistake, since it should've been in person) saying that I really like him and everything but there's some of his behavior that I find a little bit off-putting. I let him know how I felt and the response I got was that he was not gonna change his personality for someone he doesn't even know very well. I told him I didn't want him to change his personality, but if he could please tone down the aggression a little bit and he got offended, so he was suddenly the victim here.

    Am I being a pussy or does this guy has issues?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 10:25 PM GMT
    You're both wrong for each other (as in not well-matched). Doesn't matter who has what issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 10:27 PM GMT
    anotherphil saidYou're both wrong for each other (as in not well-matched). Doesn't matter who has what issues.


    Is that another way of saying we're not compatible?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 11, 2015 10:29 PM GMT
    It sounds like he thinks it's cute to get a rise out of you. Hopefully after receiving your text and having some time to think about it, he'll think twice about his maturity level around you.
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    Dec 11, 2015 10:41 PM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    anotherphil saidYou're both wrong for each other (as in not well-matched). Doesn't matter who has what issues.


    Is that another way of saying we're not compatible?


    More a way of saying that the developments you describe in your relationship are not positive ones. At best you're not communicating effectively.

    If he's hurting you and you want him to stop, that's the time to tell him to stop (don't save it for a text message). If you aren't capable of saying "no" when you want to, or if he doesn't take "no" for an answer, then the relationship itself has issues which will not be solved simply by determining liability.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Dec 11, 2015 11:18 PM GMT

    If it were just aggression ... but now he's playing mind games and the nose to mouth thing, that's a whole other kind of abuse I don't know the name of. I think this person could actually hurt you. It seems as though he's slowly ratcheting up to that. Tell him to fuck off over the phone, don't be sweet about it. I mean ream him - over the phone. I'm afraid of break up violence , which is why I recommend doing this over the phone. I recommend you be nasty so there is NO CHANCE he thinks you're not serious. That you are even asking means he is a little charming, a little funny, and a little sexy, but he's dangerous. I can smell it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 11:40 PM GMT
    We can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 11:49 PM GMT
    I have to agree with everything above me...
    He's not a match and he's already told you, take him at face value or tough Sh*t. That's enough for me to say, Thanks, but no thanks. Trust me, there's other fish in the sea.
    Consider that Toad kissed and wait for your Prince Charming.
    He's out there. I found mine all these years later, you can too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 11, 2015 11:50 PM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    Am I being a pussy or does this guy has issues?

    He may very well have issues. But whether he does or not, his behavior is severely displeasing you. Drop him.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Dec 11, 2015 11:56 PM GMT
    break up with him..

    but if you wont. punch him in the balls when he does it.
  • David3K

    Posts: 231

    Dec 11, 2015 11:57 PM GMT
    Are you by any chance dating Bonaparts?
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Dec 12, 2015 12:09 AM GMT
    Drop him like a bad habit...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 12:36 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWe can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.


    Right, and he's 29!

    This is gonna sound pathetic, but the only reason I'd be bummed to let him go is because he is super attractive, probably the most attractive guy I've ever dated and since I'm just average looks-wise, I don't get to date guys like him really often.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 1:02 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    UndercoverMan saidWe can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.


    Right, and he's 29!

    This is gonna sound pathetic, but the only reason I'd be bummed to let him go is because he is super attractive, probably the most attractive guy I've ever dated and since I'm just average looks-wise, I don't get to date guys like him really often.

    If that's the only reason you're with him then the nipple pinching thing is probably a fair trade.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 1:21 AM GMT
    HottJoe said
    zoolanderz said
    UndercoverMan saidWe can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.


    Right, and he's 29!

    This is gonna sound pathetic, but the only reason I'd be bummed to let him go is because he is super attractive, probably the most attractive guy I've ever dated and since I'm just average looks-wise, I don't get to date guys like him really often.

    If that's the only reason you're with him then the nipple pinching thing is probably a fair trade.icon_rolleyes.gif


    No, we actually do have chemistry and all. It's a shame he does that childish stuff.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 1:28 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    No, we actually do have chemistry and all. It's a shame he does that childish stuff.

    Yeah, a shame. But chemistry in one area does not compensate for a fatal flaw in another. Every guy I've dumped had some initial attraction I liked. Otherwise, why would I have bothered with him in the first place?

    But the rest of the package fell way short, once I got to know him. That's how the process goes. And I'm sure some guys felt the same way about me. Never marry the first girl who dances with you.
  • Oceans_of_Flo...

    Posts: 393

    Dec 12, 2015 2:31 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said



    This is gonna sound pathetic, but the only reason I'd be bummed to let him go is because he is super attractive, probably the most attractive guy I've ever dated and since I'm just average looks-wise, I don't get to date guys like him really often.


    I can't believe you wrote that.

    ..............................
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Dec 12, 2015 4:07 AM GMT
    zoolanderz said
    UndercoverMan saidWe can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.


    Right, and he's 29!

    This is gonna sound pathetic, but the only reason I'd be bummed to let him go is because he is super attractive, probably the most attractive guy I've ever dated and since I'm just average looks-wise, I don't get to date guys like him really often.


    This is where you answer your own question.

    The dude is 'super attractive', and NOPE, 'you do not get to date guys like him that often'.

    Wonder why is he dating you, and NOT another super attractive dude in his own league? Coz, he is damaged goods, to put it bluntly. he knows that he has aggression issues, and is actually going below his daily fresh meat market value, hoping that a dude who is in lesser demand will will put up with his proclivities in order to keep him.

    Like he says, 'he is not going to change'.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 5:14 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWe can sit and discuss this guy's psyche until kingdom come but the short of it is he's immature. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. No further discussion necessary.

    This.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 12, 2015 12:03 PM GMT



    This is the kind of thing an angry person does and if you let them, they will become even angrier because they will lose respect for you and then be resentful that you're the best they can do.


    Things are not likely to get better. The abuse will probably just get worse and worse and the closer you get the more emotionally susceptible you will be. You've already seen how you're the abuser and he's the victim. If he's 29, that means he's probably had a long time to get good at manipulating people and faking sincerity.


    Another "clue" is really the attractiveness thing. A lot of people with these kinds of issues, don't date people as attractive as them because they enjoy having an "advantage" in any relationship. Being in control, or atleast feeling in control, is more important than the person you are with. Generally, they either look for people that are dumber or less attractive or ideally a combination of both.


    I have issues myself and in the past was a less of a dick version of the guy you describe. Luckily i became self aware and am a far less scary person to both myself and others.

    I mean maybe this guy is just an immature asshole, but he could also be something much worse. These are some serious red flags i wouldn't ignore them.




  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Dec 12, 2015 1:23 PM GMT
    The first, (and best), self help book, written arround 2,000 years ago by Epictetus, focuses on self esteem. A good, easy to read translation is "The Art of Living".
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 2:19 PM GMT
    Edepic saidThe first, (and best), self help book, written arround 2,000 years ago by Epictetus, focuses on self esteem. A good, easy to read translation is "The Art of Living".

    That might very well be the Bible of self help books.... However, if it were me, I'd probably rather deal with a hot guy pinching my nipples than slogging through mind numbing self help crap.icon_mad.gif

    I think the OP should give his bf a taste of his own medicine.icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 2:44 PM GMT
    I had an awesome toy truck when I was a child, but one day a screw came loose and I tried to fix it. I thought I'd fixed it but it was never the same. As it turned out it was already defective when my dad bought it but he didn't know.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 3:02 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidI had an awesome toy truck when I was a child, but one day a screw came loose and I tried to fix it. I thought I'd fixed it but it was never the same. As it turned out it was already defective when my dad bought it but he didn't know.

    Excellent advice for dildo shopping!
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Dec 12, 2015 3:49 PM GMT
    Ur excus is quit lame..if u hv "low self esteem"u bound to attract trash..no matter how good looking he is..he should respect ur boundries and no means no..i assume that hes a control freak and abuses booze a lot than he actually needs.