When a nice person uses a derogatory term.

  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Dec 12, 2015 1:04 AM GMT
    Just happened this morning. I work as a trainer at a few gyms and I am the new guy at one gym. Everyone has been very welcoming. Mostly guys in their twenties and a few in their thirties. Other trainers, front desk people, ect. Everyone has been extremely cool even though I have been lifting weights since before most were born. I am openly gay in the sense that if someone asks a question where it is relevant I answer honestly but it has not been an issue. Mentioned it in passing to a few people when they asked about a wife or kids since I am 52. No problem.

    This one kid, maybe 21-22, greets me warmly every time I come in. We shoot the breeze, talk about general stuff, and he seems really cool. Was very heavy at one point and has lost most of his weight and is very proud of it. I commend him.

    We live in a beach town. The gym is a block from the beach. It can be a party town here. Lot's of young college students, surfers, ect.

    Talking about members in general this morning, he referred to some as "drunk fags". I don't think he meant that they were gay, he just meant that they were partiers. It took me back a bit and I let it go. Not the time or place to get into it. I took it as a young, kinda religious, kinda awkward guy a bit jealous of the pretty hot built guys that come in everyday.

    I let it go. I did not take it personally. I think he meant no harm but was just talking in the vernacular of guys his age. And believe me, no one that knows me would think I was a shrinking violet. I like to think I made the right decision and at a later date will clue him in.

    Right decision? I think we all get this fairly regularly.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 1:16 AM GMT
    If he uses it again you could say you don't like him using that word around you. He'll probably apologize and you won't hear him use the word again.
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    Dec 12, 2015 1:20 AM GMT
    You're new at that particular gym. I'd let it slide. If it gets too bad politely tell him your a fag and you'd appreciate it if he didn't use the term around you. However, for this to work you need to make sure YOU use no offensive terms about anyone else. Don't refer to anyone as bitch, homo, cunt, dick, etc. or you've lost the moral high ground and will just be a hypocrite.
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    Dec 12, 2015 2:48 AM GMT
    If you want to say something to him you could point out that it would be awkward or inappropriate if he used the any of the words nigger, kike, wop, etc. and point out that fag is in the same category.
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    Dec 12, 2015 3:37 AM GMT
    Triggerman saidJust happened this morning. I work as a trainer at a few gyms and I am the new guy at one gym. Everyone has been very welcoming. Mostly guys in their twenties and a few in their thirties. Other trainers, front desk people, ect. Everyone has been extremely cool even though I have been lifting weights since before most were born. I am openly gay in the sense that if someone asks a question where it is relevant I answer honestly but it has not been an issue. Mentioned it in passing to a few people when they asked about a wife or kids since I am 52. No problem.

    This one kid, maybe 21-22, greets me warmly every time I come in. We shoot the breeze, talk about general stuff, and he seems really cool. Was very heavy at one point and has lost most of his weight and is very proud of it. I commend him.

    We live in a beach town. The gym is a block from the beach. It can be a party town here. Lot's of young college students, surfers, ect.

    Talking about members in general this morning, he referred to some as "drunk fags". I don't think he meant that they were gay, he just meant that they were partiers. It took me back a bit and I let it go. Not the time or place to get into it. I took it as a young, kinda religious, kinda awkward guy a bit jealous of the pretty hot built guys that come in everyday.

    I let it go. I did not take it personally. I think he meant no harm but was just talking in the vernacular of guys his age. And believe me, no one that knows me would think I was a shrinking violet. I like to think I made the right decision and at a later date will clue him in.

    Right decision? I think we all get this fairly regularly.

    Straight kids call each other fags more than you think. It's rampant in online gaming in the chat channels. You'll hear squeaky little voices of grade school kids calling each other fags and cocksuckers.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Dec 12, 2015 3:54 AM GMT
    Triggerman saidJust happened this morning. I work as a trainer at a few gyms and I am the new guy at one gym. Everyone has been very welcoming. Mostly guys in their twenties and a few in their thirties. Other trainers, front desk people, ect. Everyone has been extremely cool even though I have been lifting weights since before most were born. I am openly gay in the sense that if someone asks a question where it is relevant I answer honestly but it has not been an issue. Mentioned it in passing to a few people when they asked about a wife or kids since I am 52. No problem.

    This one kid, maybe 21-22, greets me warmly every time I come in. We shoot the breeze, talk about general stuff, and he seems really cool. Was very heavy at one point and has lost most of his weight and is very proud of it. I commend him.

    We live in a beach town. The gym is a block from the beach. It can be a party town here. Lot's of young college students, surfers, ect.

    Talking about members in general this morning, he referred to some as "drunk fags". I don't think he meant that they were gay, he just meant that they were partiers. It took me back a bit and I let it go. Not the time or place to get into it. I took it as a young, kinda religious, kinda awkward guy a bit jealous of the pretty hot built guys that come in everyday.

    I let it go. I did not take it personally. I think he meant no harm but was just talking in the vernacular of guys his age. And believe me, no one that knows me would think I was a shrinking violet. I like to think I made the right decision and at a later date will clue him in.

    Right decision? I think we all get this fairly regularly.


    Yup.

    You are neither his guardian nor his educator. Besides, it was pretty obvious that the kid was just mimicking the language of his environment.

    I can't think of any group of people who has not yet received a derogatory name for themselves. I also doubt that anyone really takes this usage seriously.

    It is not that the kid was using the hate speech to incite anyone to perform any illegal act? So, shrug with your shoulders, see yourself as a gay man and not as a fag, and enjoy the guys out there.

    SC
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    Dec 12, 2015 4:11 AM GMT
    From your story I doubt he meant anything by it. Language grows and changes and fag can now mean stupid. I still hate it when people use it because many people still use it as a derogatory word for gay. When a rapper says faggot he's generally referring to a man being less than a man because he's gay.
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    Dec 12, 2015 5:12 AM GMT
    When I was in high school we used to say something was "gay" if we thought it as lame. I hadn't used it in years and caught myself using it the other week, it was weird...cuz I am. icon_lol.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 12, 2015 5:19 AM GMT
    I've been letting comments like that roll off of my shoulder all of my life. Usually, from people I don't know, but when it is from someone I do know, I generally never look at them the same way again.
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Dec 12, 2015 6:22 AM GMT
    Great advice from everyone. I do not want to make a thing of it. Do I want kids to stop saying it? Definitely. It hurts people younger and less strong than me. Maybe when he get's to know me it will become stupid to him that he ever said it. And I assume he has never met a gay man that could bench press him. But, I am going to let it slide. If he starts a conversation that is all about gay people negatively, we will have a conversation.

    Thanks, all. Great feedback.
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    Dec 12, 2015 6:31 AM GMT
    punch him in the face and be all like "Who's the fag now.....huh....FAG!!!!"



    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 12, 2015 11:45 AM GMT
    punch him in the face and be all like "Who's the fag now.....huh....FAG!!!!"


    LOL I almost spit out my water.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 2:52 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidThose younger millennials tend to use words like that without it being actual hate speech. For many of them, the word fag is liking calling someone stupid or an idiot.


    Some straight folk thought the gays ruined a perfectly good work ("gay").

    Now the straights have ruined "fag."
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    Dec 12, 2015 2:53 PM GMT
    I visited a European country (which shall remain anonymous) a couple of years ago and lived there for a little over a month. I noticed that the word "cunt" was used by the men quite a bit, and it wasn't used in a derogatory manner but as a term of endearment, strangely enough.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 3:00 PM GMT
    I doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14395

    Dec 12, 2015 3:52 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidI doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!
    You are way too liberal for your own good. I guess certain things will never change around here and you are one of them.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Dec 12, 2015 7:26 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidI doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!

    You are such a fucking blow-hard icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think what the OP did was reasonable given the context of the situation.

    You on the other hand call everyone who gives their opinions "a bunch of cunts" when the fact is.... you're the biggest cunt here. No one likes your stupid ass. You think you're having some major impact on equity and equality by posting a bunch of shit on RJ? pfffft, go back to ur bong bro and take a seat u dumb shit.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Dec 12, 2015 7:28 PM GMT
    OP, i like your idea of perhaps approaching him at another time and letting him know that the term "fag" "faggot" etc... is not appropriate and also hurtful. It also makes HIM look like a major bonehead. But I think politely "educating" him on that would do wonders. Obviously, he didn't mean malice toward all gays or even you..in the context he used it
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 12, 2015 8:15 PM GMT
    Import said
    HottJoe saidI doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!

    You are such a fucking blow-hard icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think what the OP did was reasonable given the context of the situation.

    You on the other hand call everyone who gives their opinions "a bunch of cunts" when the fact is.... you're the biggest cunt here. No one likes your stupid ass. You think you're having some major impact on equity and equality by posting a bunch of shit on RJ? pfffft, go back to ur bong bro and take a seat u dumb shit.

    So you're saying cunt is offensive but not fag??? Why the self hate, bitch?

    And please I'll need at least 20000 posts before I claim the title of RJ s biggest cunt...icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 12, 2015 8:19 PM GMT
    The best thing you can do is politely educate people who speak that way by enticing their perspective's level of morality. You can't judge it, because people can say and do whatever they want in most cases. The fact that this guy's remark struck a cord in you is to remind you that you also have healing to do on yourself, as you fell victim to believing what those macho, narrow minded men projected, whom you held strong affinity for nonetheless.

    Try to acknowledge these kinds of people are simply afraid and act out aggressively and ignorantly out of self protection, and that if you treat others in a manner that makes them feel safe around you, assuring them that they can express themselves (good and bad) and still feel worthy of connection from others, their ignorant, fearful behavior will eventually dissipate.
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Dec 12, 2015 10:07 PM GMT
    its so strange, i could write that post, the only diffrence being i''m 49 and dont work out so many years , and i''m in israel,lol, all else equal, beach city, not gay, bit conservative, charming people in the gym... same things happend to me
  • Triggerman

    Posts: 528

    Dec 13, 2015 1:04 AM GMT
    TO:

    "The fact that this guy's remark struck a cord in you is to remind you that you also have healing to do on yourself, as you fell victim to believing what those macho, narrow minded men projected, whom you held strong affinity for nonetheless."

    I don't do psycho babble well, and I am assuming English is not your first language and the translation was awkward.

    I am not healing myself. I have been openly gay for almost thirty years. Your response was both insulting and enlightening. It struck a cord with me because I have compassion. I felt for this kid who obviously did not mean to insult me or degrade me but comes from a different viewpoint or lifestyle than I do. I was not a victim to anything. Myself included. My goal in life is to change one person at a time and each is unique. I live my life openly and hopefully by example of what a gay man is.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14395

    Dec 13, 2015 2:46 AM GMT
    Import said
    HottJoe saidI doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!

    You are such a fucking blow-hard icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think what the OP did was reasonable given the context of the situation.

    You on the other hand call everyone who gives their opinions "a bunch of cunts" when the fact is.... you're the biggest cunt here. No one likes your stupid ass. You think you're having some major impact on equity and equality by posting a bunch of shit on RJ? pfffft, go back to ur bong bro and take a seat u dumb shit.
    +2,000,000icon_wink.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 13, 2015 3:32 AM GMT
    roadbikeRob said
    Import said
    HottJoe saidI doubt the OP expected so many gay men to defend the casual use of the word fag. What a bunch of cunts!!

    You are such a fucking blow-hard icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think what the OP did was reasonable given the context of the situation.

    You on the other hand call everyone who gives their opinions "a bunch of cunts" when the fact is.... you're the biggest cunt here. No one likes your stupid ass. You think you're having some major impact on equity and equality by posting a bunch of shit on RJ? pfffft, go back to ur bong bro and take a seat u dumb shit.
    +2,000,000icon_wink.gif

    -2,000,001
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 13, 2015 4:21 AM GMT
    There was once a time when in polite company a "nice" person didn't use derogatory terms in reference to others. Sadly it was waaaaaay waaaaaay waaaaaaay before my time.