Advice for a new boyfriend situation (Air Force)

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    Dec 13, 2015 5:47 AM GMT
    He RJers I haven't posted on here in a bit but would greatly appreciate some input. I am listing two versions long and short for those who don't want to read and those who have some time to. Choose whichever you fancy.

    *Long Version*
    A few months ago while on Scruff I happened to stumble upon a rare guy that I not only found extremely physically attractive but also had mental appeal to me in that he had some depth to his profile beyond the normal superficial. Even though he was over 800 miles away I decided to send him a message after I "winked" him (something I don't usually do) just saying how much I enjoyed his profile and that I found him to be very charming and funny from it. He replied with the same and we hit it off right away.

    Scruff conversations quickly escalated to Skype sessions that happened 4-5 times a week for a month and a half (We kept it very PG). Many times we would lose track of time and spent hours just talking and getting to know each other. While getting to know him he informed me that he would be joining the Air Force and is scheduled to leave for training in Texas end of Jan. This was a bit of a downer when he told me as I had grown to really like the guy and realized that this would mess up what we had going.icon_confused.gif

    A few days after he told me I decided to cheer up and that I really wanted to see him in person, so I invited him to spend this past Thanksgiving with me. After some planning he flew here and we spent 5 days total together. It was a great experience for us both and we basically acted like we were a couple that had been in a relationship for years, it came effortlessly. Midway through his visit we both officially confessed that we have feelings for each other and decided that we would be boyfriends even though we are long distance and he is entering the Air Force soon.

    He is set to come back in the next couple of weeks to spend another 5 days and bring in the New Year with me. Unfortunately I fear this will be the last time I will be with him physically for a while. After the end of Jan he will have 8 weeks of intense training and then he will be deployed wherever they find it neccesarry for him to be stationed. I really care about this guy and know dating while long distance is already hard enough but adding the Air Force to that equation would make it harder. I have every hope that we can try and make it work but know that realistically it may be a hard battle to go through.

    I want him to be happy and be in charge of his future but a part of me wants him not to go through with it (I haven't told him yet). This is a life altering decision that I feel like I shouldn't interfere with but at the same time I want to be in his life as well. I know we both don't have that much experience together banked in yet and we haven't been in each other's lives long enough to really consider all of this rationally, but I really want this relationship with him..

    My mother and I have a very close and supportive relationship and I keep her pretty up to date in many things in my life. After gauging him and his personality she has even voiced at how good she thinks we are for each other. She has given her full support of our relationship and even sometimes calls him to check in (he has been pleasantly surprised and already calls her Mom #2). icon_biggrin.gif

    This whole situation is complex. He has expressed to me that he wishes he met me sooner so that I influenced his decision about joining the Air Force. Shortly after his return home from his trip with me he had a bit of an emotional confession that he really saw us working out long-term and regrets his decision.

    I want to hear from other men about their opinions. What would you do in my situation? Should I tell him how I really feel? Let him make his own decision without saying anything? Any suggestions or input is welcome.icon_lol.gif



    *Short Version*
    I messaged this guy on Scruff and have been in a long distance relationship with him for about 4 months. We skyped frequently 4-5 times a week (kept it PG). We made the boyfriend thing official after he visted me for 5 days after Thanksgiving, which felt like it came very naturally for both of us. He is about to enter the Air Force end of January. I am having a dilemma about talking with him to see if maybe we can make an alternative plan and have him discontinue joining or possibly roughing through the process for 4 years. Part of me really feels like we have a great shot for an amazing relationship and I am struggling with the idea that may be crushed from his Air Force service.

    He has expressed to me that he wishes he met me sooner so that I influenced his decision about joining the Air Force. Shortly after his return home from his trip with me he had a bit of an emotional confession that he really saw us working out long-term and regrets his decision.

    I want to hear from other men about their opinions. What would you do in my situation? Should I tell him how I really feel? Let him make his own decision without saying anything? Any suggestions or input is welcome.

    Some info about us:
    I am 27 and he is 28. I am his first boyfriend and he is my second in our relationship history. Physically we are each other's types, he has a bodybuilder physique which I am very attracted to but also I am attracted to him mentally as we have very similar interests and hobbies which is why we are able to talk for hours on just one topic. One of the reasons he is entering the Air Force is so he can have better financial stability and security than where he is at currently.He has a part-time job that pays ok.I currently am a part-time actor and part-time fitness instructor/trainer for supplemental income. I received a Masters in Social Work but realized shortly after graduating that I wanted to act for a living and be an actor full-time. I am working towards that and just recently became SAG (Screen Actors Guild) eligible which will allow me to make more and take on bigger paying jobs.
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    Dec 13, 2015 5:55 AM GMT
    Love is hard to find for any gay man and you should treasure whatever time you have with him. From experience, long-distance is hard on a relationship especially a budding one such as this. I see his career as more stable than yours. If he can stay in the military for 20 years, he has a pension with medical benefits to retire at a young age.
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    Dec 13, 2015 6:05 AM GMT
    woodsmen saidLove is hard to find for any gay man and you should treasure whatever time you have with him. From experience, long-distance is hard on a relationship especially a budding one such as this. I see his career as more stable than yours. If he can stay in the military for 20 years, he has a pension with medical benefits to retire at a young age.


    Thanks for your response!

    Yeah I think in terms of longevity his career in the military would be very beneficial to him. It's hard when you have to make decisions using your heart and your head. We never know what the future holds and I want him to have a bright future
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    Dec 13, 2015 7:19 AM GMT
    That's pretty selfish of you to even think about asking him not to join. I don't want to be a dick, but the AF will provide him financial/career stability more than your acting career ever will. Why ask him to walk away from that?

    Part ways for now. Let him pursue his dream, and you pursue your own dream. Long distance relationships don't work. Especially when one is in the military. Keep in touch with the guy. Maybe later in life you two will reconnect.
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    Dec 13, 2015 8:07 AM GMT
    xrichx saidThat's pretty selfish of you to even think about asking him not to join. I don't want to be a dick, but the AF will provide him financial/career stability more than your acting career ever will. Why ask him to walk away from that?

    Part ways for now. Let him pursue his dream, and you pursue your own dream. Long distance relationships don't work. Especially when one is in the military. Keep in touch with the guy. Maybe later in life you two will reconnect.



    Thanks for your input.

    If you knew me outside of RJ you would come to find out that I am a pretty selfless person, but I will acknowledge that for once in my life I am feeling selfish in that I do want him around. The Air Force has great benefits and the probability for a better financial future for him so of course I am conflicted, but he also has other dreams and aspirations outside of the Air Force.

    In the future I would suggest you choose your words more carefully though. A person is entitled to think and ponder whatever they want, the thoughts going through my head haven't left my lips to his ears about any of this. Even though your answer was "dickish", I came here to ask for input from other guys like yourself.
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    Dec 13, 2015 2:11 PM GMT
    Tread carefully. He is making a decision that will have a great impact on his future and his career. If he makes what turns out later to be the wrong career choice, he could wind up blaming you. Be as supportive as you can possibly be and let him make his own choices. You could tell him how you feel, but do it in such a way that lets him know you will support him regardless. Long distance relationships do take a lot more work and can be more difficult, but the reward can also be greater. Just give him your unconditional love and let him choose his path in life so that he knows he made his own choice and it was the right one.

    If he does choose the military, be sure that you are a welcome presence in his life and don't place additional burdens on him. You don't want him to feel like he has to check in with you or that he worries about making you upset. Since you say you are a selfless person, this is truly the time to apply it. Love is never easy, and true love sometimes requires great sacrifice.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1032

    Dec 13, 2015 3:40 PM GMT
    A typical enlistment is two years, right? So if he joins the Air Force and later decides he doesn't want to pursue it as a long term career, you're only apart for two years. And it isn't like you'd never see him during that time. He'll get leave from time to time, you could meet up on weekends, holidays, whatever.

    If you really love each other, two years shouldn't be such a big deal. And if you don't, you shouldn't be messing around with his major decisions in life.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Dec 13, 2015 3:46 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC saidTread carefully. He is making a decision that will have a great impact on his future and his career. If he makes what turns out later to be the wrong career choice, he could wind up blaming you. Be as supportive as you can possibly be and let him make his own choices. You could tell him how you feel, but do it in such a way that lets him know you will support him regardless. Long distance relationships do take a lot more work and can be more difficult, but the reward can also be greater. Just give him your unconditional love and let him choose his path in life so that he knows he made his own choice and it was the right one.

    If he does choose the military, be sure that you are a welcome presence in his life and don't place additional burdens on him. You don't want him to feel like he has to check in with you or that he worries about making you upset. Since you say you are a selfless person, this is truly the time to apply it. Love is never easy, and true love sometimes requires great sacrifice.

    i dnt get young gay guys...u both hv ur "whole" lives ahead of u,,if its meant to b..u'll hv to both sacrifice and hv an open relationship since u'll b apart for a while..in life we dnt always get what we want...learn to b supportive and take things slowly
  • ManHunt

    Posts: 23

    Dec 13, 2015 3:47 PM GMT
    If he is not going to the Air Force, he will have to get a career somehow. In addition to that, you two live very far from each other. Who is going to move? Just my two cent.
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    Dec 13, 2015 4:09 PM GMT
    Basic training (boot camp) tends to be very stressful (it's supposed to be). I'm sure he will appreciate your continued support, but, as someone has already said, don't expect him to be chatting for an hour every night - he simply won't have the time. Once he has got through specialist training and has been assigned to a base, things will settle down, a bit.

    It is going to be very difficult for either of you to make any long-term plans until you know where in the country (or world) his assignment will be. Then there are deployments: The time he spends away from his assigned base will depend on what operations the USAF are currently engaged in and what his specialization is (I seem to recall that, on average, Security Forces personnel spend more days away on deployment than any other specialization). None of which is insurmountable, but it definitely requires a great deal of understanding and commitment from both of you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 13, 2015 4:14 PM GMT
    My suggestion is that you address this in the most mature and grounded way possible (and through this discussion, I think you are off to a good start). Evaluate both sides.. a career in the military is an important long term consideration for him and his future. I can also understand what you are saying as to a potential long term relationship. I would talk to him and see where he stands. I think you SHOULD NOT turn this into "its the military or me" choice, but rather listen to him as to how he perceives you would fit in (realistically), should he proceed with his military plans.

    Both are important.. lets see how you both can integrate both. I think it isn't the outcome that says more about what you both think and feel about a potential relationship, it is how you work though this process. Interesting, let us know what happens!
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    Dec 13, 2015 4:22 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC saidTread carefully. He is making a decision that will have a great impact on his future and his career. If he makes what turns out later to be the wrong career choice, he could wind up blaming you. Be as supportive as you can possibly be and let him make his own choices. You could tell him how you feel, but do it in such a way that lets him know you will support him regardless. Long distance relationships do take a lot more work and can be more difficult, but the reward can also be greater. Just give him your unconditional love and let him choose his path in life so that he knows he made his own choice and it was the right one.

    If he does choose the military, be sure that you are a welcome presence in his life and don't place additional burdens on him. You don't want him to feel like he has to check in with you or that he worries about making you upset. Since you say you are a selfless person, this is truly the time to apply it. Love is never easy, and true love sometimes requires great sacrifice.


    PhoenixNYC
    Thank you very much for your insight.
    I have been very supportive of his decision to join the Air Force since he told me despite how I have grown to really feel about it. I have never made him feel guilty about his decision nor do I plan to. I am willing to try and make this work regardless of the option he chooses because I feel that he is worth the sacrifice and investment. The long distance portion of our relationship we are working out and doing a pretty good job of it in my opinion. I trust him and he trusts me.


    bro4bro saidA typical enlistment is two years, right? So if he joins the Air Force and later decides he doesn't want to pursue it as a long term career, you're only apart for two years. And it isn't like you'd never see him during that time. He'll get leave from time to time, you could meet up on weekends, holidays, whatever.

    If you really love each other, two years shouldn't be such a big deal. And if you don't, you shouldn't be messing around with his major decisions in life.


    bro4bro that is a great point. Honestly with what you have stated I do feel that I can do 2 years. I will bring that option up when we are face to face in a couple of weeks. Perhaps at the end of two years if we have made it work we can do another 2.
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    Dec 13, 2015 4:38 PM GMT
    Nhlakz you speak as if you aren't a fellow young gay guy and you are younger than me... We may have our whole lives ahead of us but is it so wrong to just be into one person and carry on with your lives together if you feel that way about each other?

    We both are mainly monogomous but because of the distance we have agreed to be open sexually (and safely) in our relationship. We agreed to have open lines of communication on that and not to make the other feel guilty about basic human desires. To be honest I am perfectly fine with our decision, as I was the one who suggested to make our relationship open in the first place. I don't want him to feel this obligation to be only sexual with me while we are not physically in each others lives everyday.

    ManHunt saidIf he is not going to the Air Force, he will have to get a career somehow. In addition to that, you two live very far from each other. Who is going to move? Just my two cent.


    Manhunt
    If he were to choose not going into the Air Force I would do my best to support his decision. My family and I have agreed to support him with whichever option. If he were to decide on a non-military path I am 95% sure he would move out here with me and look for something (he did hint that as an option a couple of times to which I was supportive of it). He doesn't really like the area where he lives now and really enjoyed his time out here when he visted.
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    Dec 13, 2015 4:56 PM GMT
    Ex_Mil8 saidBasic training (boot camp) tends to be very stressful (it's supposed to be). I'm sure he will appreciate your continued support, but, as someone has already said, don't expect him to be chatting for an hour every night - he simply won't have the time. Once he has got through specialist training and has been assigned to a base, things will settle down, a bit.

    It is going to be very difficult to for either of you to make any long-term plans until you know where in the country (or world) his assignment will be. Then there are deployments: The time he spends away from his assigned base will depend on what operations the USAF are currently engaged in and what his specialization is (I seem to recall that, on average, Security Forces personnel spend more days away on deployment than any other specialization). None of which is insurmountable, but it definitely requires a great deal of understanding and commitment from both of you.


    Ex_Mil8

    I really appreciate you taking the time to explain the mechanics behind his enlistment. It helps me to better plan out what to expect. I definitely know to expect our communication to be limited while he is enlisted and I am not really too worried about that. I have expressed to him I am not a needy school girl in where I would need communication from him everyday. We are adults and I get that he is working a job that will require more attention. I feel that we understand each other pretty well and really do think we may have a shot if we get the logistics of everything down.


    HndsmKansan saidMy suggestion is that you address this in the most mature and grounded way possible (and through this discussion, I think you are off to a good start). Evaluate both sides.. a career in the military is an important long term consideration for him and his future. I can also understand what you are saying as to a potential long term relationship. I would talk to him and see where he stands. I think you SHOULD NOT turn this into "its the military or me" choice, but rather listen to him as to how he perceives you would fit in (realistically), should he proceed with his military plans.

    Both are important.. lets see how you both can integrate both. I think it isn't the outcome that says more about what you both think and feel about a potential relationship, it is how you work though this process. Interesting, let us know what happens!


    HndsmKansan

    Thank you for your input and your suggestions, they are really helpful. I honestly feel very safe and quite a bit of support when I talk with him (vice versa) and think we can have a open and honest discussion about our fears and hopes going forward and how to fit me in. We both have been very mature about the whole thing but I do feel like we do need to have a more serious discussion about how we will handle issues that may arise.

    I am not going to give him an ultimatum with the choice of the military and me. I don't think it is healthy for any relationship to do such when it comes to making a life decision such as he is about to do. I agree that I think it is how we work through this process that will determine our outcome. I will definitely try to give updates.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Dec 13, 2015 6:06 PM GMT
    Jrad....goodluck with everything and hope for the best....since u sayin u his first bf....his got a lot to learn and i hope u going to b a good teacher.
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    Dec 13, 2015 7:13 PM GMT
    Nhlakz saidJrad....goodluck with everything and hope for the best....since u sayin u his first bf....his got a lot to learn and i hope u going to b a good teacher.


    Thanks Nhlakz

    That has also been part of the fun about the relationship with him. I have agreed to be his canvas when he wants to try something new and vice versa icon_twisted.gificon_lol.gif

    I think within the relationship it is equal parts being a teacher as is being a student. There are things he helps me with and things I help him with. I try to be patient and understanding with all of those I care about.

    PdIAX-620x930.jpg
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 13, 2015 7:59 PM GMT
    jrad said...What would you do in my situation? Should I tell him how I really feel? Let him make his own decision without saying anything? Any suggestions or input is welcome.icon_lol.gif

    I don't post here often any more but I do lurk and appreciate your situation so I'm putting in my 2¢...

    Yes, I think you should tell him how you feel. To me, open, honest communication is what keeps things real in a relationship. So many dramas are based on people keeping secrets to "protect" the other person. The way I look at it, the most important thing is for each guy in a relationship to know his truth -- what is true for him. Then its about stating that truth. Making it known so that each can make decisions based on that knowledge.

    Of course it gets tricky. You want what you want but, at the same time, you don't want to manipulate your guy. He needs to make his own decision based on what is true for him, what he wants. Indeed, as someone said, if he doesn't, if he makes a decision to please you, this could (and most likely would) come back as resentment later on. Same thing from your side of the fence. You need to be very clear within yourself. If he decides to pursue a military career and you don't get what you want (or don't get all of it soon enough), will some part of you feel resentful?

    I'm an old man. I've outlived two LTR partners. I don't look at life the way young men do. I'm not itching to find a partner or settle down or build a relationship. For me it is 'been there done that'.

    I look at all this "philosophically." To me there may be "better" or "worse" decisions, but there are seldom any "right" or "wrong" decisions. The way I see it, we make our decisions, our choices in life, based on how we understand our situation, ourselves, the world, at a given moment. THEN... then we have to live the consequences of that decision... be they good or bad.

    We can never fully predict the consequences of our decisions. For sure, we can predict to some extent, but there are limits. Beyond those limits are all the factors we didn't take into consideration.

    So, to me, the most important thing is that everyone take *responsibility* for his decisions -- whatever the outcome. Whatever happens, each needs to be really clear that he chose this.

    Each of you has to WANT the relationship and want it badly enough to deal with and work through whatever stumbling blocks get thrown in your way. See what I'm getting at? From this POV, it doesn't matter what either of you decide... there WILL be hurdles either way. Always. That's life. Maybe if you start living together, for example, you'll suddenly discover that each of you has personality traits that simply don't "work" for the other. Well, THEN what do you do? ... You either let those things drive you apart OR you learn to work through them because both of you WANT the relationship badly enough to do so.

    See what I'm trying to say? It isn't about whether he joins the military... its about how badly each of you want this to work. If you both want it you can have it, no matter what. Will long distance, military commitments, etc., make it more difficult? Sure. But would the alternative make it any *less* difficult? Doubtful, IMO.
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    Dec 14, 2015 1:26 AM GMT
    jrad said
    PhoenixNYC saidTread carefully. He is making a decision that will have a great impact on his future and his career. If he makes what turns out later to be the wrong career choice, he could wind up blaming you. Be as supportive as you can possibly be and let him make his own choices. You could tell him how you feel, but do it in such a way that lets him know you will support him regardless. Long distance relationships do take a lot more work and can be more difficult, but the reward can also be greater. Just give him your unconditional love and let him choose his path in life so that he knows he made his own choice and it was the right one.

    If he does choose the military, be sure that you are a welcome presence in his life and don't place additional burdens on him. You don't want him to feel like he has to check in with you or that he worries about making you upset. Since you say you are a selfless person, this is truly the time to apply it. Love is never easy, and true love sometimes requires great sacrifice.


    PhoenixNYC
    Thank you very much for your insight.
    I have been very supportive of his decision to join the Air Force since he told me despite how I have grown to really feel about it. I have never made him feel guilty about his decision nor do I plan to. I am willing to try and make this work regardless of the option he chooses because I feel that he is worth the sacrifice and investment. The long distance portion of our relationship we are working out and doing a pretty good job of it in my opinion. I trust him and he trusts me.


    bro4bro saidA typical enlistment is two years, right? So if he joins the Air Force and later decides he doesn't want to pursue it as a long term career, you're only apart for two years. And it isn't like you'd never see him during that time. He'll get leave from time to time, you could meet up on weekends, holidays, whatever.

    If you really love each other, two years shouldn't be such a big deal. And if you don't, you shouldn't be messing around with his major decisions in life.


    bro4bro that is a great point. Honestly with what you have stated I do feel that I can do 2 years. I will bring that option up when we are face to face in a couple of weeks. Perhaps at the end of two years if we have made it work we can do another 2.


    I think both you and bro4bro are wrong on the enlistment term - Last I knew it was 4 years. (It's been a while since I was in) But I think you should not try to influence his decision about the air force. There are substantial benefits to a career-less guy from military service - like free (or almost free) college-level education when he gets out. He could even learn transferable skills from the air force service, especially if he is a bright guy.. They are great on training. At 28, it is getting a bit late for him to start a military career - if he delays a couple years more, and then wants in, they probably won't accept him.

    You guys have only been dating a few months - hardly only enough to get hitched. Like bro said, he will have leaves, where you can carry on or develop a relationship if he is still into it.

    Finally, you are an actor, who just got a SAG card. You have a calling in which success depends mostly on luck - being in the right place at the right time, being seen by the right casting agent for the right role. You may be a great actor, and still be among the thousands of good actors in New York or LA, who are not financially "successful". It's not like you have just been offered a major role in a major production. His career life would no doubt be much better if it was based on whatever skills he might develop - rather than on your potential successes.

    If he does join the AF, who knows - your relationship might still endure and flourish (it has barely started yet) and you could even get married- since DADT has gone away.

    Good luck to both of you.
  • jeepguySD

    Posts: 651

    Dec 14, 2015 3:29 AM GMT
    I understand your dilemma. I am military and tend to date other military guys. Forced separations, either long or short, are difficult, and not all relationships survive.

    If your new boyfriend has already signed an enlistment contract then he has no choice but to proceed. If it is still possible for him to reverse his decision then you both must consider the hidden costs of him backing out: loss of Post 9-11 GI Bill (which can be worth A LOT of money), and many other VA benefits (VA mortgage, lifetime medical care, preferential hiring into federal jobs), and many more. More than that, often, military experience can lead to lucrative jobs in defense-related industries, or can lead to other highly skilled and high-paying civilian jobs not related to defense.

    The decision to NOT join could cost him literally millions of dollars over the course of his lifetime.
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    Dec 14, 2015 3:38 AM GMT
    Not contributing advice so much as facts:

    As I'm going to Air Force Basic (BMT) tomorrow, I'll mention: BMT is 8 weeks, and is then followed by technical school (Tech School, AT, Advanced Technical Training). The duration of tech school all depends on the job you have (the final decision on job selection, and location, is made about 4 weeks into Basic, unless you're on a reserved job list).

    Enlistment durations for active duty are 4 Years, and 6 Years. Those are the only two choices.
  • jeepguySD

    Posts: 651

    Dec 14, 2015 4:21 AM GMT
    Kodiak saidNot contributing advice so much as facts:

    As I'm going to Air Force Basic (BMT) tomorrow, I'll mention: BMT is 8 weeks, and is then followed by technical school (Tech School, AT, Advanced Technical Training). The duration of tech school all depends on the job you have (the final decision on job selection, and location, is made about 4 weeks into Basic, unless you're on a reserved job list).

    Enlistment durations for active duty are 4 Years, and 6 Years. Those are the only two choices.


    Good luck at boot camp.
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    Dec 14, 2015 9:21 AM GMT
    Nhlakz said
    PhoenixNYC saidTread carefully. He is making a decision that will have a great impact on his future and his career. If he makes what turns out later to be the wrong career choice, he could wind up blaming you. Be as supportive as you can possibly be and let him make his own choices. You could tell him how you feel, but do it in such a way that lets him know you will support him regardless. Long distance relationships do take a lot more work and can be more difficult, but the reward can also be greater. Just give him your unconditional love and let him choose his path in life so that he knows he made his own choice and it was the right one.

    If he does choose the military, be sure that you are a welcome presence in his life and don't place additional burdens on him. You don't want him to feel like he has to check in with you or that he worries about making you upset. Since you say you are a selfless person, this is truly the time to apply it. Love is never easy, and true love sometimes requires great sacrifice.

    i dnt get young gay guys...u both hv ur "whole" lives ahead of u,,if its meant to b..u'll hv to both sacrifice and hv an open relationship since u'll b apart for a while..in life we dnt always get what we want...learn to b supportive and take things slowly


    I'm gonna suggest whoever responded to this comment use proper english and grammar. You should like a retard.
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    Dec 15, 2015 2:11 AM GMT
    MikeW said
    jrad said...What would you do in my situation? Should I tell him how I really feel? Let him make his own decision without saying anything? Any suggestions or input is welcome.icon_lol.gif

    I don't post here often any more but I do lurk and appreciate your situation so I'm putting in my 2¢...

    Yes, I think you should tell him how you feel. To me, open, honest communication is what keeps things real in a relationship. So many dramas are based on people keeping secrets to "protect" the other person. The way I look at it, the most important thing is for each guy in a relationship to know his truth -- what is true for him. Then its about stating that truth. Making it known so that each can make decisions based on that knowledge.

    Of course it gets tricky. You want what you want but, at the same time, you don't want to manipulate your guy. He needs to make his own decision based on what is true for him, what he wants. Indeed, as someone said, if he doesn't, if he makes a decision to please you, this could (and most likely would) come back as resentment later on. Same thing from your side of the fence. You need to be very clear within yourself. If he decides to pursue a military career and you don't get what you want (or don't get all of it soon enough), will some part of you feel resentful?

    I'm an old man. I've outlived two LTR partners. I don't look at life the way young men do. I'm not itching to find a partner or settle down or build a relationship. For me it is 'been there done that'.

    I look at all this "philosophically." To me there may be "better" or "worse" decisions, but there are seldom any "right" or "wrong" decisions. The way I see it, we make our decisions, our choices in life, based on how we understand our situation, ourselves, the world, at a given moment. THEN... then we have to live the consequences of that decision... be they good or bad.

    We can never fully predict the consequences of our decisions. For sure, we can predict to some extent, but there are limits. Beyond those limits are all the factors we didn't take into consideration.

    So, to me, the most important thing is that everyone take *responsibility* for his decisions -- whatever the outcome. Whatever happens, each needs to be really clear that he chose this.

    Each of you has to WANT the relationship and want it badly enough to deal with and work through whatever stumbling blocks get thrown in your way. See what I'm getting at? From this POV, it doesn't matter what either of you decide... there WILL be hurdles either way. Always. That's life. Maybe if you start living together, for example, you'll suddenly discover that each of you has personality traits that simply don't "work" for the other. Well, THEN what do you do? ... You either let those things drive you apart OR you learn to work through them because both of you WANT the relationship badly enough to do so.

    See what I'm trying to say? It isn't about whether he joins the military... its about how badly each of you want this to work. If you both want it you can have it, no matter what. Will long distance, military commitments, etc., make it more difficult? Sure. But would the alternative make it any *less* difficult? Doubtful, IMO.



    MikeW

    I want to sincerely thank you for taking the time to post. Your words of wisdom are really appreciated. I agree that if we want the relationship badly enough we will have to work through whatever is thrown our way and that regardless of which route we take the relationship will be work. I will talk to him in person about how I feel in a open discussion with him when he comes in a couple of weeks.

    You are right in that communication keeps things real in the relationship. That is how my last relationship ended actually, because of a lack of communication and manipulation (on his end). However I do not want to take a page from my previous BF and manipulate my current BF, he deserves the best and a relationship based off truth, trust, and healthy communication.

    I also agree with your life philosophy of decisions not necessarily being "better" or "worse". I believe that each decision we make in life has an impact that helps us grow and change no matter what. It actually reminds me of this quote “Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”
    We both must take responsibility for our decisions and do our best to work with the consequences of what we decide. In the long run it is up to us to see if our relationship can handle the tumultuous times and the easy going times.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2015 2:20 AM GMT
    HikerSkier

    I appreciate your advice as well as the others. Career wise I do think this is better for him, he will come out of the military more grounded and financially better off. Things for me on the acting front have been getting better and better but like many have stated this is a freelance career choice based off of luck, being in the right place at the right time, and some talent. I think it would be in both of our best interests if he focuses on the military while I focus on going further with my acting. If he is able to have leaves/breaks where he can visit I do feel like we can work it out.

    jeepguySD saidI understand your dilemma. I am military and tend to date other military guys. Forced separations, either long or short, are difficult, and not all relationships survive.

    If your new boyfriend has already signed an enlistment contract then he has no choice but to proceed. If it is still possible for him to reverse his decision then you both must consider the hidden costs of him backing out: loss of Post 9-11 GI Bill (which can be worth A LOT of money), and many other VA benefits (VA mortgage, lifetime medical care, preferential hiring into federal jobs), and many more. More than that, often, military experience can lead to lucrative jobs in defense-related industries, or can lead to other highly skilled and high-paying civilian jobs not related to defense.

    The decision to NOT join could cost him literally millions of dollars over the course of his lifetime.


    jeepguySD

    As I have gotten more info and some great input from guys like yourself I think he would be better off in the long run of going into the Air Force. He can have a great and stable financial future if he goes and a chance at becoming a greater person than he is now. I don't want him to miss that opportunity over me, he deserves a better future. I will admit I am not without caution that our relationship may not work out, but I have every hope that it will with effort on both ends.

    Kodiak saidNot contributing advice so much as facts:

    As I'm going to Air Force Basic (BMT) tomorrow, I'll mention: BMT is 8 weeks, and is then followed by technical school (Tech School, AT, Advanced Technical Training). The duration of tech school all depends on the job you have (the final decision on job selection, and location, is made about 4 weeks into Basic, unless you're on a reserved job list).

    Enlistment durations for active duty are 4 Years, and 6 Years. Those are the only two choices.



    Kodiak

    Thank you very much for this info! I wish you the best during your enlistment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
    I want to thank the guys who have given their valuable input so far. Majority of you gentlemen helped me to come to terms with this situation and have actually made me more supportive of his decision to join the Air Force. The benefits of enlisting and completing his service to me are really great for him. If it is meant to be we will find a way to make it work.


    53_tyall_obd.gif

    A mini update:
    Last night while on Skype he started to talk to me about some benefits. His whole demeanor changed and he had a spark of life in him as he talked about some things he would be receiving soon. He had such a spark of happiness and accomplishment that I said to myself that I couldn't possibly take that away from him. I love him and want him to be happy, so I have made the decision to let him know how I feel but that I support him 100% in proceeding and will do my best to be very supportive during his enlistment.