Seeing an emotional unavailable man

  • dextersima

    Posts: 26

    Dec 14, 2015 4:32 AM GMT
    I've been seeing this guy for over 4 months now. He's handsome, very fit, and mostly a good guy. But we have an age gap of 20+ years. And we are at very different stages in life. We have great sex. But he is mostly attracted to me sexually and emotionally very unavailable. And he wants us to have a monogamous sexual relationship and then maybe he will be more emotionally responsive. I personally think it's absurd. I tried to break it off with him several times but somehow we always ended up back together. And I think it becomes almost emotionally abusive to me. I really like him. I don't think I have to be in a serious relationship but I do need an emotional connection with him if we are gonna have an exclusive sexual relationship. But he's just not giving it to me. Do you guys have any suggestions?

    Update: he didn't say that he would change once we were exclusive, he liked me, but he admitted that he might never fall in love with me, and it's OK. We are just at an awkward place where it's not really just sex but hardly dating either. And it's already been 4+ months. I'm not sure if I can do it with the restriction of being in a relationship(monogamy) but without its benefit(emotional connection and companionship) and whether I should keep investing my time on this.

    I appreciate all the input and welcome more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 5:10 AM GMT
    People don't change. He wants you to be monogamous for his personal use. Meanwhile, he's gonna keep on doing what he's doing.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Dec 14, 2015 5:12 AM GMT
    Putting it in other words, he promises to be possibly emotionally available if you agree to having an exclusive, monogamous relationship with him?

    The real question here is: what is it that YOU really want?

    You recognize all the ups: Sex is good... And you also see that you, two are at 'the two very different stages in life': he has reached the age when he wants to tie the knot, and you are in an age where going monogamous may be OK, but you do not see it as your real priority.

    So, he conditions his emotional availability with you agreeing to go exclusive, and you would sorta agree to go sexually exclusive if he gives you some of that emotional availability in advance.

    So, the whole thing boils down to who (if anyone) is going to give in first, and extend some advance trust to the other guy?

    Yup. All of this sounds a bit absurd. Mostly because both of you want something that the other guy is really not that keen on giving.

    Why not agree on being FwB, and enjoying it while it lasts, hence ending the long round of trade negotiations on who's gonna give in what first? icon_rolleyes.gif

    SC



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 10:25 AM GMT
    I have had similar situation, and the sad thing is the guy doesn't even know about his emotional unavailability. I tried to make it work, but every time it only lead to more frustration and discontentment. I had talked very openly about this with him, but that didn't help.
    Have you already talked with him? If so, and even that didn't change his behavior, I believe that you need to end it, or you will just keep wanting something that he can't give it to you. It's hard to break it off, but there isn't a way around it.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 14, 2015 11:40 AM GMT
    OP, I can understand the situation of you not wanting to give up on someone you connect on a seemingly very physical level. I think a lot of us can fall into that trap. I have to admit that I've never been in this situation yet and almost could have potentially been involved in one (though it was a married man...).

    All I can say is try to visualize where you want to be in 5 years give or take. If you try to give your all for him and he is still not changing and being distant, could you handle that?

    Good luck OP.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 12:08 PM GMT
    dextersima said Do you guys have any suggestions?


    NEEEXT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 12:28 PM GMT
    Relationships; if they are one way could be (usually are) harmful. I would stay away for your own good if there is no mutual dependency. your just a toy.

    work on a solid exit plan. scare up some self love and stay away from a potentially harmful situation. If you want.
  • dextersima

    Posts: 26

    Dec 14, 2015 2:31 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidPutting it in other words, he promises to be possibly emotionally available if you agree to having an exclusive, monogamous relationship with him?

    The real question here is: what is it that YOU really want?

    You recognize all the ups: Sex is good... And you also see that you, two are at 'the two very different stages in life': he has reached the age when he wants to tie the knot, and you are in an age where going monogamous may be OK, but you do not see it as your real priority.

    So, he conditions his emotional availability with you agreeing to go exclusive, and you would sorta agree to go sexually exclusive if he gives you some of that emotional availability in advance.

    So, the whole thing boils down to who (if anyone) is going to give in first, and extend some advance trust to the other guy?

    Yup. All of this sounds a bit absurd. Mostly because both of you want something that the other guy is really not that keen on giving.

    Why not agree on being FwB, and enjoying it while it lasts, hence ending the long round of trade negotiations on who's gonna give in what first? icon_rolleyes.gif

    SC




    He didn't promise to be emotionally responsive if we have an exclusive sexual relationship. You can't really promise that, right? But he did think that he can't get emotionally involved if I see other people.
    What we are doing right now is like casually dating+FWB. And I always find FWB weird. If I keep having sex with one guy, I either get bored or emotionally attached, and in this case I'm already attached.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 2:42 PM GMT
    I have a suggestion - find someone who is more compatible. Why torture yourself by trying to make it work with someone who doesn't seem to want to make it work with you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 4:43 PM GMT
    Emotionally unavailable people are tricky. Many times its just a front or a small wall due to whatever past experiences that shaped the behavior. People like that can slowly let their wall down when they believe that the person involved wont hurt them.

    Emotionally detached people are different. They're the types that are awesome people on the surface but lack the warmth that's needed for intimacy.

    Your guy is definitely in the former. You can't force someone like him to be intimate. Just have to coax it out of him by being yourself. Try not to rush or judge him but know your value too. If you cant walk away and he becomes aware of that then he is less likely to come around on the intimacy
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Dec 14, 2015 5:08 PM GMT
    It's been my sad experience that "emotionally unavailable" and "empathy deprived" guys do NOT get better with age. If anything, they become more cold, frosty and withdrawn as the years go by.


    icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 5:14 PM GMT
    sex is important in a relationship but only a small part.
  • Whipmagic

    Posts: 1481

    Dec 14, 2015 5:17 PM GMT
    rnch saidIt's been my sad experience that "emotionally unavailable" and "empathy deprived" guys do NOT get better with age. If anything, they become more cold, frosty and withdrawn as the years go by.


    icon_cry.gif


    I wouldn't be that pessimistic, but as you get older, you have to really work hard to make the changes you desire. When the OP mentioned that his man promised to change as soon as they're monogamous, I thought that that's quite unlikely. Tearing down such deeply rooted wall will take much more, like long-term therapy, perhaps some as couples therapy. It can be done, though it won't be easy, but there is no reason for anyone to just accept that they'll become even colder as they age.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 7:36 PM GMT
    You. Deserve. Better.
    "Emotionally unavailable" is just another way of saying "selfish". And "sexually monogamous" is just another way of saying "fuck buddy". Fuck buddies are fine, until you want more than just sex from them, and you want/need more than just sex. At 26 years old, you totally owe it to yourself to explore all of your options and truly give yourself a chance to find a more fulfilling set up.

    I know when you like a guy and you have great sexual chemistry, it can be really intoxicating. But it's a death by a thousand cuts and the longer you stay in it, the harder it is to move on and the deeper it'll hurt. And you need to move on to someone who is healthier for you or even learn to just be happy with yourself. Keep your head up. Please consider ending it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 10:04 PM GMT
    If he can't be emotionally available to you, he's just using you for sex, and that's wrong. Time to move on and find someone who can be emotionally available to you.

    Normally I would have more to say, but this is easy. He's just using you.
  • denverdiveguy

    Posts: 39

    Dec 15, 2015 1:34 AM GMT
    Well, the good part about this is that you know where he stands... there's no guessing or trying to figure it all out. Does sound like this guy isn't looking for an emotional commitment, but doesn't make him a bad guy. The monogamous thing might be to just minimize the risk of exposure to a bunch of different guys.

    We are all looking for things to make our journey a bit richer and enjoyable. Most of the comments about your situation here are suggesting you find someone who's looking for the same things you are. People typically don't change for the long haul. They might give it an effort, but like a rubber band that's stretched, eventually it resumes it's standing shape when the pressure is off. It's always hard to end it with someone you're into, but you'll look back down the road and realize you were investing in the wrong stock.

    You're a young guy, you'll sort it all out in time. icon_smile.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 15, 2015 4:55 AM GMT
    Have you considered just how much you are wanting? Are your needs and wishes reasonable? Not trying to be hard about this but it is a two way street.

    I would give it some time and try to look at it from both sides. Great sex seems to indicate that he can be expressive and it is not unreasonable for him to want an exclusive relationship. Give it a chance.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 15, 2015 8:10 AM GMT
    People typically don't change for the long haul. They might give it an effort, but like a rubber band that's stretched, eventually it resumes it's standing shape when the pressure is off


    This. I wish i could go back in time and drill that in my fucking head when i was younger.

    I mean, i try, i have tried....but i always seem to think that i can change people or help them understand i need X or Y.....it never works.
    You either have to accept them the way they are or get ready for a near never ending battle that is likely to end in misery or quiet subtle mutual resentment.


    Where i live, is near a lot of elderly people so i am friends with some of them. Couples that are in their 70s and 80s that have been together for 40-50 plus years. So, so many of them barely like eachother. I am sure they love eachother, but they do not like eachother and talk shit behind their spouses back all the time.
    If you think someone is emotionally unavailable in their 40s...wait till they are 60 or 70. They will probably just fart at you.

  • brian_c

    Posts: 17

    Dec 18, 2015 1:26 AM GMT
    I just very recently got out from a similar situation. I was seeing a guy who was my friend for over a year and we got along very well, but then he made a move and wanted something more, and we ended up going out, but he was also "emotionally unavailable" he wanted to have a boyfriend but he didn't want all the things that come with a relationship. As someone else already mentioned this emotional unavailability is really just him being selfish. Allhe could see and take into regard was he himself. And if someone is like that it's nearly damn impossible to change them, especially if they do not try at all. From what you wrote it seems that he gets all that he wants while you get only fraction of what you want. So you have to ask yourself if this is enough for you. It wasn't for me and even though it hurt like hell I had to break it up.
  • Noeton

    Posts: 208

    Jan 11, 2016 5:40 AM GMT
    Let him know he's being selfish and explain why in a way he understands. If it doesn't improve things, do as suggested above and move on. Best wishes!
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jan 11, 2016 5:51 AM GMT
    Given the age gap maybe he's afraid that you'll get bored and move on because you are young
    Maybe he doesn't want to take that emotional risk and is looking for more signs of commitment first.

    I know my friends in their late 40s are cautious dating guys in their 20 somethings and don't view their relationships as having long term potential.

    Even if you are committed in their eyes 20 somethings don't really know what they want even if they say they do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 2:06 PM GMT
    I agree with these dudes. This guy probably isn't for you, but no reason why you can't both have fun. If he really is also asking for a monogamous sexual relationship? Then move on. That's as good as an ultimatum. It's actually kind of an asshole thing to ask of you.