Gay sex when your taught to hate it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 5:39 AM GMT
    Long story short, but lots in between.
    I'm in my 40's now. Was married @19 for 12 years and had 3 kids. the sex was horrible, i became an alcoholic to coup.
    Brought up ridiculously religious and it was imbedded in my brain. Always knew I liked guy at puberty(13) but just kept it to myself. It was pounded in my head that gay sex is horrible so i believed it. After having the "normal" str8 sex it was horrible. So now i'm living a life were sex with either sex sounds horrible and just dont have any interest, or maybe its extreme anxiety?
    Another thing thats weird is ive never had an emotional bond with anyone, so all i have is physical attraction to drive me. And it seems all im interested was the type of boys i obsessed with in high school. I know there little bitches and worthless but they are hot (to me).. I know emotional is stronger then physical (if i knew)..
    I will probably just be asexual all my life. The gay lifestyle just doesnt turn me on, meaning everyone i know seems to get engaged, and then break up in 6 months time... Doesnt sound to fun. Ive never been in love nor had my heart broke, so the lifestyle sounds like a lot of heartbreaks to me..
    I'm not really closeted, but most people dont know i am. I have lots of gay friends but i dont like doing gay things like them(gay bars,shows,pride,bubble fest,gay groups)
    ive done a blow job like 10 years ago and it was all right, but kinda a hook up so didnt do anything for me.
    My religious upbringing, even though i'm atheist now, but i cannot get rid of the "proper courtship,ect"
    Like id want to go out with a guy many,many times before i did anything sexual.
    And its just 95% of any guy that would ask me out i wouldnt be attracted to them. I'd still go and persue the "emotional" part but its hard to even go when they arent your type(physically).

    -I've been real alone for a long time. Been in and out of suicidal thoughts. Im through all that now and accepted my situation but I just have zero quality of life nor happiness. I mean i would give up my heart to save a kid in a heart beat, thats how much i want to be here.

    *any advice, and you can be mean if its needed to make your point.

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    Dec 14, 2015 5:52 AM GMT
    You need to talk to a mental health professional. You are conflicted. It's evident by the jumbled thoughts in your post. You need assistance in sorting things out. You're not going to get the help you need here.

    Good luck to you. I wish you well and hope you find peace and contentment with or without someone else in your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:09 AM GMT
    I have to agree with UCM here. Find some help.
    If you're in a city, look to a public health department or queer center for referrals to professional councilors. Do NOT go to any kind of church.
  • basr

    Posts: 4

    Dec 14, 2015 5:48 PM GMT
    Agree. You need some help.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4913

    Dec 14, 2015 6:08 PM GMT
    I agree with the above^^^^ but... One thing that might help you slice through all the conflicts you're having is to simply have some good sex. I hear what you said but sex is pretty powerful with the right guy, even just a hookup. One really nice time with a nice guy might help you put it all in some order. Try to relax and just enjoy one evening with a nice guy. All you really need is a bit of a light to follow... But not with your adolescent idol-- A lot of repressed guys get stuck at the point they couldn't date properly, usually high school. You think that's all you're interested in but my guess is given the opportunity, you might find your taste in men is broader than you think. Give it a shot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:43 PM GMT
    Focus less on the...what I don't have[s].....and go after what you want.

    Be grateful for health and thankful for life. It's not that bad!!!