Perspective needed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:06 AM GMT
    Hello men. I was wondering if someone could give me perspective. I have been dating a complicated guy with lots of baggage for over a year now. The majority of the time things are great between us. In over a year we have maybe had 5 or 6 arguments... And several of those arguments were in a short span of time several months ago. So I would say the situation is more good than bad. My guy has had a traumatic past and is definitely moody and tends to look at the glass half empty. He has a demanding job and is ALWAYS stressed out. Generally this does not come into play in our relationship.

    Background info aside, today we were supposed to hang out and he did not appear to be in a very good mood when we talked earlier. In a later phone conversation he was snappy with me and rude on the phone, so I told him that we should just hang out another time because I do not want to piss him off or irritate him further. I do not enjoy being around him when he is like that. Because of that he has now come to the dramatic conclusion that I am a "fair weather friend" and I want a "perfect person" and he is not perfect so he doesn't think we should be together. He says that he is always going to have bad days and I obviously can not handle that, so I do not need to be with him.

    Does this seem like a rational and logical thought process on his behalf? Do you think I was in the wrong for canceling plans with him because he was snappy with me on the phone?

    Just curious to get another perspective on this other than his and my own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:14 AM GMT
    Rational and logical? Probably not. Maybe he just really needed a cuddle. Is it worth it to you to put up with the moodiness? That probably won't ever change. You might mutually work out ways to deal with it.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:37 AM GMT
    No, you were right to cancel the day together. He sounds a bit immature.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Dec 14, 2015 6:42 AM GMT
    I've been on this road before with an ex, and I can honestly tell it will not work, no matter your patience and understanding of his circumstances. He is to put it bluntly, TOXIC; and if you hang around long enough you will turn TOXIC, too!

    People with a traumatic past are extremely difficult to rationale or deal with. The only thing that may help them is seeking professional help, and even that takes time, say years, to help them cope. Take it from someone who have tons of patience and deals with unruly people all day long.

    This guy needs space and me time, along with regular professional help; that is the only way the guy you are dating is going to change for the better, if that!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:50 AM GMT
    Thank you for the input. A little more info-- the guy is 42 (regarding immaturity) and he has had lots of therapy. Sees a therapist once a week I believe. LOL
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    Dec 14, 2015 7:20 AM GMT
    Thank you for that response. One problem is I am rarely irritable. I am an upbeat, glass half full, positive person. I don't ever have the opportunity to mirror his moody irritable behavior, because I am never like that with him!

    I wish I was... That way I could use the method you described to see if he can accept what he expects me to accept.

    I do know that he can dish it but can not take it some times when it comes to joking around. He constantly harasses me and pokes fun. Every once in a while, Ill say something though that he gets weird and upset about, like if he is in one of his moods. He is very sensitive towards his own feelings, but not always sensitive of others'.

    Kind of annoying having to worry about all this, the more I think about it.
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    Dec 14, 2015 7:28 AM GMT
    No judgement, but you told him that you "should just hang out another time because I do not want to piss him off or irritate him further" but you say here you cancelled "because he was snappy with me on the phone".

    It's a guy thing, and we all seem to be wired to do it. We claim to be acting based on someone else's feelings, which we never quite outright asked about, when in reality we're acting based on ours (which we tend to avoid discussing or even owning).

    It might help to be mindful of this, though I realize that's not constructive. Try to ask, though, before you tell him how he feels, and try to be open about the feelings on which you're basing your decisions.

    If he's already comfortable with counseling, maybe you could do a session or two together. This sounds like a pretty typical miscommunication, and I think a little in-person communication advice from an expert could go a long way.

    I'm intentionally taking the narrow view here; there's a lot going on that I can't speak to myself. I hope it's not worse than nothing, at any rate.

    Good luck...

    (Edit: What you later mention about him tending to instigate confrontation while not being able to handle the same does make things more difficult. It might still help to be clear about the feelings that influence your actions and try to encourage him to do the same; don't internalize the responsibility for making him emotionally literate, however.)
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 14, 2015 8:16 AM GMT
    You don't want to be a doormat to a guy who will use you to vent his stress. This means preparing yourself for the occasional blowup, where you're fed up because he's literally insane, and you tell him you can't be around him, so he says you don't love him and threatens to break up with you, and you're scared he actually will leave and, in his distressed state, drive off a cliff or whatever. It would kill you to see him crushed, like you must be a little nuts, too, to stay with him. And he realizes he's just freaking out because he doesn't want to lose you, and you have a big meltdown together where you unpack all the baggage of his past (it never changes so this part will start to seem rehearsed to you, even though it's part of the recovery process for him) and then repack it again. Then the sex is awesome, and the coast is clear for the next however many months.
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    Dec 14, 2015 5:23 PM GMT
    Gymrat123 saidThank you for that response. One problem is I am rarely irritable. I am an upbeat, glass half full, positive person. I don't ever have the opportunity to mirror his moody irritable behavior, because I am never like that with him!

    I wish I was... That way I could use the method you described to see if he can accept what he expects me to accept.

    I do know that he can dish it but can not take it some times when it comes to joking around. He constantly harasses me and pokes fun. Every once in a while, Ill say something though that he gets weird and upset about, like if he is in one of his moods. He is very sensitive towards his own feelings, but not always sensitive of others'.

    Kind of annoying having to worry about all this, the more I think about it.


    You may not be irritable but you already mirrored his behavior when you suggested you guys hang out another time. I am not saying you are manipulative. This is something manipulative people do all the time to get their way. He has shown you that he cannot handle what he dishes out by insinuating that you are a fair weather friend.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Dec 14, 2015 5:56 PM GMT
    He's got you walking on eggs. Been there. No fun. But these people either do have a mental disorder, usually minor bipolar related issues, or they're just spoiled, thinking they can abuse others if they're stressed. Neither is acceptable. Just tell him you're not his doormat. That you want to stay together but not on the condition that he can abuse you.

    My guy now is the most even-natured guy around but he gets overly involved in his childhood sports teams and will become short and unpleasant to be around if one of his teams is losing. I called him on it and had to repeat myself a few times before he learned that that self-indulgent behavior just wasn't acceptable. He got it and still struggles with it but it is much better now and we even joke a bit about it if a game is coming up, though I hold my position on the matter.

    Just have an honest conversation with your guy AGAIN and over and over until he gets it. It sounds like the relationship is worth fighting for. If you believe the issue is truly diagnosable, bi-polar or something else, you can still stand your ground and insist he get treatment. Sounds like lithium might be in order.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
    All couples have arguments:
    In successful relationships; the arguments become less of a personal attack. From some relationship book i read.
    or
    Given enough time (like years) there is less and less to argue about. This bit of wisdom was from my neighbor.


    You might self reflect what is driving the recent increase in arguments?


    take your time and make your decision with loving care. Good or bad at least you have someone who is interested enough to argue with you. I would not even think about splitting up during the holidays. Take this time to find a couples training session. Last year some LGBT centers were offering them free. Find a solution where both of you dont care what is in the glass, half full or half empty rather half of anything is better than none. fill what is missing with the mutual respect you guys had when you first met. Address each others needs if you can. Very best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 6:19 PM GMT
    Dump him, he's too negative and drain too much positive energy from your life. Dump him move on and find someone you're more compatible with.
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    Dec 14, 2015 7:15 PM GMT
    Based on what you wrote, I'm guessing it's a defense mechanism. He's aware that he has some anger issues that to him likely feel like he can't quite control. As a result he's afraid you might leave him. He's likely trying to push you away so that you can't hurt him, yet also hoping you'll come out and say, "I stand by you, flaws and all."

    I think its up to you to decide where you stand and if he meets enough of your needs to put in the effort to be his "whisperer." Please know that just because you love him doesn't mean you are going to be able to fix him nor are you even the right person to fix him. You just need to be patient and help him find his way while letting him know where your boundaries or needs are the matter. What worked for me and my ex was that I would ask him, "when you are frustrated about xyz and I think you're taking it too far, how do you want me to react?" And then I'd also let him know how I'd like to react. That way we both kinda understood each other. He wanted me to listen and not disagree whereas I wanted to immediately counsel and fix thing. So the compromise was that I would just ask him questions to better understand his feelings and let him talk it out.

    Most importantly... good guys are really hard to find. Good guys who are compatible emotionally and sexually are really, really, REALLY hard to find. So if he is pretty compatible, you should make it clear that you want to help and you both should fight to make things work.

    My two cents. Good luck my man. I hope things work out.
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    Dec 14, 2015 9:26 PM GMT
    MrFuscle saidYou may not be irritable but you already mirrored his behavior when you suggested you guys hang out another time. I am not saying you are manipulative. This is something manipulative people do all the time to get their way. He has shown you that he cannot handle what he dishes out by insinuating that you are a fair weather friend.


    I don't know if I agree with this. I dated someone like this about two months ago. The OP isn't the one that's manipulative, but his significant other is. I agree with the OP. If the bf started getting snippy on the phone, and the OP has to walk on eggshells, it's almost like if he's not mature enough to say that something bothers him and allow the OP to be there for him. It was mentioned earlier that this sort of relationship is toxic. Yes, it is quite tolling on the positive person.

    In my case, found out after a month that the guy I dated a couple of months ago, had issues with anger management. He told me this, then at dinner, attempted to go into one of his raging episodes. Let's just say that I shut that down REALLY quickly. I think it's best to cut your losses now. If after a year, it has not changed, he will not be willing to make any kind of accommodations for you. Communication is key. If in a relationship, you wanna just throw your temper tantrum, you're going to be doing it by yourself.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 14, 2015 11:11 PM GMT
    GTPSean said
    MrFuscle saidYou may not be irritable but you already mirrored his behavior when you suggested you guys hang out another time. I am not saying you are manipulative. This is something manipulative people do all the time to get their way. He has shown you that he cannot handle what he dishes out by insinuating that you are a fair weather friend.


    I don't know if I agree with this. I dated someone like this about two months ago. The OP isn't the one that's manipulative, but his significant other is. I agree with the OP. If the bf started getting snippy on the phone, and the OP has to walk on eggshells, it's almost like if he's not mature enough to say that something bothers him and allow the OP to be there for him. It was mentioned earlier that this sort of relationship is toxic. Yes, it is quite tolling on the positive person.

    In my case, found out after a month that the guy I dated a couple of months ago, had issues with anger management. He told me this, then at dinner, attempted to go into one of his raging episodes. Let's just say that I shut that down REALLY quickly. I think it's best to cut your losses now. If after a year, it has not changed, he will not be willing to make any kind of accommodations for you. Communication is key. If in a relationship, you wanna just throw your temper tantrum, you're going to be doing it by yourself.

    Cheers,

    Sean


    I didn't say that the OP was manipulative. I said what he does is something manipulative people do. Manipulative people don't act too far outside of what would be normal fair behavior. If they did they wouldn't be effective manipulators. He felt he didn't have a chance to see if his boyfriend can take it as well as he can dish it. He already had that chance and his boyfriend failed.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Dec 15, 2015 12:06 AM GMT
    Gymrat123 said

    Does this seem like a rational and logical thought process on his behalf? Do you think I was in the wrong for canceling plans with him because he was snappy with me on the phone?


    1) No
    2) No

    My BF and I have been together five years. I'm moody on occasion, and my BF is also moody on occasion. We're mature enough that when one of us is moody, we just say so.

    We never even had to discuss that if one of us is moody, we're better staying apart until the mood passes. We value our alone time and our together time. We make our together time happen when both of us want to be together.

    It has never been an issue between us that on occasion we can't get together, when we know it's not going to work due to one of our moods. As considerate people, we don't want to inflict our negative moods on the other.

    This has nothing to do with being "fair weather" friends. If there is some genuine need, we're there for each other.

    As guardians of each other's well being, we keep the small stuff to ourselves, so as not to inflict needless negative stuff on the other, stuff that we can easily remedy on our own.

    Gymrat, this might be worth discussing with this guy you are seeing.

  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Dec 15, 2015 10:06 PM GMT
    camfer said
    Gymrat123 said

    Does this seem like a rational and logical thought process on his behalf? Do you think I was in the wrong for canceling plans with him because he was snappy with me on the phone?


    1) No
    2) No

    My BF and I have been together five years. I'm moody on occasion, and my BF is also moody on occasion. We're mature enough that when one of us is moody, we just say so.

    We never even had to discuss that if one of us is moody, we're better staying apart until the mood passes. We value our alone time and our together time. We make our together time happen when both of us want to be together.

    It has never been an issue between us that on occasion we can't get together, when we know it's not going to work due to one of our moods. As considerate people, we don't want to inflict our negative moods on the other.

    This has nothing to do with being "fair weather" friends. If there is some genuine need, we're there for each other.

    As guardians of each other's well being, we keep the small stuff to ourselves, so as not to inflict needless negative stuff on the other, stuff that we can easily remedy on our own.

    Gymrat, this might be worth discussing with this guy you are seeing.



    1000+

    Eloquently and beautifully expressed! it was enlightening and a joy reading it, thank you!!