"You Should only workout for yourself and not others"

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 15, 2015 12:22 PM GMT
    Yeah, people know that I'm into muscular guys and I genuinely like my slim build but I know most muscular guys don't like slim/thin guys so I gave in and am starting to bulk but I can say rather bluntly that I'm not doing it for health or because I "want" it. It's solely just to get the guys I want.

    One thing I hate is when people say you should workout for yourself and no one else. I'm sorry but I call BS on that. Like I admitted above, I genuinely don't care about the health aspects (I'm relatively healthy already for the most part) and I can also admit that I DON'T want to look bulkier but I know it's the only way to attract the guys I like. I just feel that... "Saying" is a bunch of nonsense because I feel to some extent, most gay men who workout, do so to attract other muscular guys (even if they don't want to admit it). And even when I do get this new body, I'm going to be rather indifferent with it since I'm more of the pleaser submissive guy anyway so they can touch me and whatnot but it won't do anything for me honestly. But I digress.

    So even though I would really rather just stay slim and fit, I've decided to just bulk up to just attract these guys. It's not something I want to look like but eh...

    I guess my question is, do you honestly believe that saying? I personally feel it's a rather veiled saying.
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    Dec 15, 2015 12:49 PM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    I guess my question is, do you honestly believe that saying? I personally feel it's a rather veiled saying.


    Yes I do. You shouldn't change yourself for someone else. You have explicitly stated that you don't want to bulk up. I genuinely do not believe that you can get a muscular physique if you don't genuinely want to - it takes an enormous amount of effort and dedication and you have to really want it, not just as a means of attracting guys.

    Putting a different spin on it - what else are you willing to change about yourself and compromise on to attract someone? If you change everything about yourself to please someone else, or attract someone else, how can you say they want you for you and not who you have forced yourself to be? What happens when that person isn't around anymore? Always strive to be the best version of yourself but only for yourself. If you are not a genuine and authentic person, then whoever you attract is only attracted to the 'idea' of you, not who you really are as a person. That is NOT the right person for you and you are doing both you and them a disservice.

    How is it veiled?

    If you have a thing for muscular guys, but don't want to become muscular yourself, I don't understand why you would not want to find a muscular guy who likes guys with slimmer builds. They are most certainly out there and if you haven't found them then you're not looking enough or in the right places. Or maybe they are put off by you not being who you really are.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 15, 2015 9:35 PM GMT
    Pulsefit saidYes I do. You shouldn't change yourself for someone else. You have explicitly stated that you don't want to bulk up. I genuinely do not believe that you can get a muscular physique if you don't genuinely want to - it takes an enormous amount of effort and dedication and you have to really want it, not just as a means of attracting guys.

    Putting a different spin on it - what else are you willing to change about yourself and compromise on to attract someone? If you change everything about yourself to please someone else, or attract someone else, how can you say they want you for you and not who you have forced yourself to be? What happens when that person isn't around anymore? Always strive to be the best version of yourself but only for yourself. If you are not a genuine and authentic person, then whoever you attract is only attracted to the 'idea' of you, not who you really are as a person. That is NOT the right person for you and you are doing both you and them a disservice.

    How is it veiled?

    If you have a thing for muscular guys, but don't want to become muscular yourself, I don't understand why you would not want to find a muscular guy who likes guys with slimmer builds. They are most certainly out there and if you haven't found them then you're not looking enough or in the right places. Or maybe they are put off by you not being who you really are.


    I feel that if I can attract muscular guys with a muscular physique, that would be enough even if I personally don't want to look like them. Of course, I hope they wouldn't want to talk about the gym with me because they'd only get one worded/small answers. I genuinely don't care about it but I know it's the only way to get them and if they get turned off that I don't want to talk about the gym, there are plenty of others who won't so in a way, they would be expendable as bad as that sounds.

    I'm honestly not willing to change anything else. I'll still be slightly feminine and be into alternative music and so on. But on the feminine part, like I said, if a muscular guy is turned off by that, there will be plenty of others who won't be. In fact, I heard some muscular guys say they'd date a fem muscular guy over a feminine slim guy like me anyway.

    And I have looked for muscular guys who are into slim guys and they are in the small minority. And the few times I did find one, they wanted someone white or Asian (the most popular choice). I'm neither so they naturally passed me by. So even though I personally don't want to have the "look", if it'll get me these guys, it's most likely worth it.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 15, 2015 9:57 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have a few misgivings, but I applaud you in your decision to workout/get buff. I doubt you'll regret it. You'll most likely wish you'd started sooner; that's what everyone says.

    I think change it good. When I was in my early twenties, I looked very different than how I look now. I was thin, clean shaven, and had long hair.

    I liked my look back then, but I'm glad I didn't try to stay the same forever. It's good to change things up.

    And, as you have implied, you'll still be you!!

    Good luck!icon_smile.gif
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 15, 2015 10:24 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidIt sounds like you have a few misgivings, but I applaud you in your decision to workout/get buff. I doubt you'll regret it. You'll most likely wish you'd started sooner; that's what everyone says.

    I think change it good. When I was in my early twenties, I looked very different than how I look now. I was thin, clean shaven, and had long hair.

    I liked my look back then, but I'm glad I didn't try to stay the same forever. It's good to change things up.

    And, as you have implied, you'll still be you!!

    Good luck!icon_smile.gif


    Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 875

    Dec 16, 2015 3:19 AM GMT
    Only you really know what works best for you when it comes to attracting the guys you, personally wish to attract. So, if your experience shows that the only way to land them is to develop a buff body, that's what YOU are doing now, and you should feel comfortable with your decision, because you based it upon honest premises.

    The other dudes may be having totally different motivations behind their decisions to get buff. And some, may indeed, be doing it for themselves alone. I would not worry about them too much. Their reasons are theirs, not yours.

    You want to keep on checking on the progress of your efforts, though. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to change with the times and the taste, and adjust your looks to land you the guys you want to be with. But you want to make sure that the strategy is really working, too.

    You have a small body frame, and buffing it up to a degree may work for you. Stepping over a specific boundary may or may not be counterproductive. You want to watch this.

    Whatever it is that you are trying to achieve, make sure that it looks to the rest of the world as a natural, almost effortless thing on your part, even though it is not. If you are too intense about it, and if you are really sweatin' it, it ain't really worth it...

    SC
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 16, 2015 12:21 PM GMT

    You are doing it cause you want to.

    You want it to be easier to get the guys you like, you aren't doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself to have access to them.


    I wouldn't worry so much about the why of it all...you're trying a new strategy to find a litte more happiness, we're all only doing that and telling ourselves bullshit stories about having some higher purpose.


    So no, i agree with you in the sense that it's no more or less noble a thing than the 80 year old guy hitting the weights cause it makes him feel good. You're doing it to hopefully feel good to, just in a less direct manner.

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 16, 2015 12:24 PM GMT
    badbug said
    You are doing it cause you want to.

    You want it to be easier to get the guys you like, you aren't doing it for them, you're doing it for yourself to have access to them.


    I wouldn't worry so much about the why of it all...you're trying a new strategy to find a litte more happiness, we're all only doing that and telling ourselves bullshit stories about having some higher purpose.


    So no, i agree with you in the sense that it's no more or less noble a thing than the 80 year old guy hitting the weights cause it makes him feel good. You're doing it to hopefully feel good to, just in a less direct manner.



    No not really. I'm not doing it to feel "good", just to solely attract the guys if I have to be bluntly honest.

    But I get what you're saying.
  • JackNNJ

    Posts: 1051

    Dec 16, 2015 2:38 PM GMT
    Do it for whatever reason you want.
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    Dec 16, 2015 2:43 PM GMT
    BloodFlame saidI hope they wouldn't want to talk about the gym with me because they'd only get one worded/small answers. I genuinely don't care about it but I know it's the only way to get them and if they get turned off that I don't want to talk about the gym, there are plenty of others who won't so in a way, they would be expendable as bad as that sounds.



    Have you not considered that part of what makes a muscular guy attracted to other muscular guys isn't purely aesthetics (although yes guys can be shallow) but also because it means they have something instantly in common? As I said before, working out and getting buff takes up a lot of time and effort. If you're purely doing it for one reason and you have no interest in discussing it with anyone you may attract initially, again I think you're doing it for the wrong reasons and you won't have a lasting relationship from it. Shared interests and mutual support is a foundation of any strong lasting relationship, if you don't have that from the start then you might get a few hot fucks but you won't ever have anything that lasts.

    I think you've made your mind up though and I doubt you're going to listen to what I'm saying so I wish you well - come back in a year's time and update us with your progress.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 16, 2015 4:05 PM GMT
    I get why people who workout would be put off by the OP's dubious reasons for wanting to get buff... But at the same time I'm keenly aware that many of the buff guys here would be virtually invisible on this site if they didn't workout, so it's hard to argue with the fact that he will attract more attention from gay men if he works out.

    Not that being buff is the only way to get attention... But it's a no brainer that it makes a world of difference amongst men who like men.
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    Dec 16, 2015 4:13 PM GMT
    Semantics.

    Working out for guys you want to land IS working out for yourself.

    Serving the gay community that way is by definition self-serving.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 16, 2015 4:18 PM GMT
    eagermuscle saidSemantics.

    Working out for guys you want to land IS working out for yourself.

    Serving the gay community that way is by definition self-serving.


    So you're saying that in this season of charity all the got guys should post newds??

    Happy xmas!!
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 16, 2015 8:45 PM GMT
    HotJoe saidI get why people who workout would be put off by the OP's dubious reasons for wanting to get buff... But at the same time I'm keenly aware that many of the buff guys here would be virtually invisible on this site if they didn't workout, so it's hard to argue with the fact that he will attract more attention from gay men if he works out.

    Not that being buff is the only way to get attention... But it's a no brainer that it makes a world of difference amongst men who like men.


    Yeah, agreed. And even though I may get more attention from gay men, I want to attract the muscular ones.


    Pulsefit said
    Have you not considered that part of what makes a muscular guy attracted to other muscular guys isn't purely aesthetics (although yes guys can be shallow) but also because it means they have something instantly in common? As I said before, working out and getting buff takes up a lot of time and effort. If you're purely doing it for one reason and you have no interest in discussing it with anyone you may attract initially, again I think you're doing it for the wrong reasons and you won't have a lasting relationship from it. Shared interests and mutual support is a foundation of any strong lasting relationship, if you don't have that from the start then you might get a few hot fucks but you won't ever have anything that lasts.

    I think you've made your mind up though and I doubt you're going to listen to what I'm saying so I wish you well - come back in a year's time and update us with your progress.


    OH sure, I have considered that but it doesn't really change how I feel about it. I already am relatively healthy and fit (I don't sit around and I do exercise despite my small build right now). But it doesn't mean jack to any muscular guys and as much as I don't want to have a bulked up body, it's the only way to get those guys.

    I still couldn't care less about lifting and I'm not going to be talking gym with these people because I don't care about it. Sure, I may lose out on some guys but there will be plenty who won't care as long as you look good to them.

    Gay men are mostly about looks at the end of the day and opposites don't attract in the gay community. Everyone wants their clone or twin.

    But yes, I'll do an update in mid 2017 to see where I'm at.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2015 9:02 PM GMT
    you know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 16, 2015 9:37 PM GMT
    Ahri saidyou know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.


    Yes honestly, I'm a little skeptical on your last part sorry because I'm pretty sure you'd never want to date someone with no muscle on them (be them skinny or fat). And speaking from myself, I've never been fat but I remember back when I was 17-18, I weighed around 114-115 so I did try to eat a bit more and worked out a bit till I got to 125-126 (Was teeter-tottering). I like how my body looks right now and I think I'm attractive in my own right but muscular guys don't feel that way and I'm tired of feeling I have to settle for the usual overweight guy who likes my body but I don't like theirs.

    And sure, I suppose I can give you that perhaps muscular guys may not make quality boyfriends after what my brother has been telling me with his luck on getting them but I still don't care. Sure I may have some resentment to changing my body to something I'd rather not look like but whatever.
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    Dec 16, 2015 9:55 PM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    Ahri saidyou know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.


    Yes honestly, I'm a little skeptical on your last part sorry because I'm pretty sure you'd never want to date someone with no muscle on them (be them skinny or fat). And speaking from myself, I've never been fat but I remember back when I was 17-18, I weighed around 114-115 so I did try to eat a bit more and worked out a bit till I got to 125-126 (Was teeter-tottering). I like how my body looks right now and I think I'm attractive in my own right but muscular guys don't feel that way and I'm tired of feeling I have to settle for the usual overweight guy who likes my body but I don't like theirs.

    And sure, I suppose I can give you that perhaps muscular guys may not make quality boyfriends after what my brother has been telling me with his luck on getting them but I still don't care. Sure I may have some resentment to changing my body to something I'd rather not look like but whatever.


    Wtf I just said I prefer guys with cute faces before muscles. And to be honest I have dated guys who were on the skinner side but that was because I found them attractive in the face. I think you need to seek help other wise you might be heading down a path of depression, or body dismorphia.

    You know I used to feel bad for guys who were in the not so privileged side of things, like Asian men who wanted white boyfriends or skinny guys wanting muscular boyfriends. However now that I think about it I don't feel sorry for any of the minorities whining about how they can't get this or that. It reminds me of some spoiled kid that can't get what he wants. I'm pretty sure there were plenty of guys that liked them for who they were but they turn these guys down due to the fact that they never met their requirements of "attractiveness".

    So all in all what comes around goes around. If one wants to complain and whine about their love life they really need to dig deeper in themselves on why the hell they are single.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 16, 2015 10:03 PM GMT
    Well that got bitchy.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2015 10:12 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidWell that got bitchy.icon_rolleyes.gif


    Life's a bitch. Deal with it.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 16, 2015 10:26 PM GMT
    Grimz said
    HottJoe saidWell that got bitchy.icon_rolleyes.gif


    Life's a bitch. Deal with it.

    I tried putting life on ignore but everyone keeps quoting it.icon_sad.gif
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    Dec 16, 2015 10:52 PM GMT
    Remember the adage: All's fair in love and war.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 17, 2015 12:15 AM GMT
    Ahri said
    BloodFlame said
    Ahri saidyou know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.


    Yes honestly, I'm a little skeptical on your last part sorry because I'm pretty sure you'd never want to date someone with no muscle on them (be them skinny or fat). And speaking from myself, I've never been fat but I remember back when I was 17-18, I weighed around 114-115 so I did try to eat a bit more and worked out a bit till I got to 125-126 (Was teeter-tottering). I like how my body looks right now and I think I'm attractive in my own right but muscular guys don't feel that way and I'm tired of feeling I have to settle for the usual overweight guy who likes my body but I don't like theirs.

    And sure, I suppose I can give you that perhaps muscular guys may not make quality boyfriends after what my brother has been telling me with his luck on getting them but I still don't care. Sure I may have some resentment to changing my body to something I'd rather not look like but whatever.


    Wtf I just said I prefer guys with cute faces before muscles. And to be honest I have dated guys who were on the skinner side but that was because I found them attractive in the face. I think you need to seek help other wise you might be heading down a path of depression, or body dismorphia.

    You know I used to feel bad for guys who were in the not so privileged side of things, like Asian men who wanted white boyfriends or skinny guys wanting muscular boyfriends. However now that I think about it I don't feel sorry for any of the minorities whining about how they can't get this or that. It reminds me of some spoiled kid that can't get what he wants. I'm pretty sure there were plenty of guys that liked them for who they were but they turn these guys down due to the fact that they never met their requirements of "attractiveness".

    So all in all what comes around goes around. If one wants to complain and whine about their love life they really need to dig deeper in themselves on why the hell they are single.


    I'm not whining. I'm just stating reality and how it works in the gay community. And why would I date someone I was not legitimately attracted to. If I did that, I'd just be one of those guys who string along someone until something better comes up and I don't want to do that. I don't want to have the feelings of cheating on a guy because I don't want to get intimate with him. Personality counts but it only gets you so far. You don't have sex with a personality.

    And as far as the race thing goes, I don't care about that because I never went for one race over the other. Though I'd admit that sometimes I wish I could get surgery on my face to reduce my "black" featured lips. Way to thick and make me look horrible when I look to the side lol

    But anyway, I'm sorry if I came to conclusions. It's just that most of the time, I feel some people aren't being completely honest when it comes to subjects like this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2015 1:02 AM GMT
    Everyone is different. My background in fitness started in martial arts. I wanted to be a martial artist since I was a kid but could never afford lessons. So I was a like a kid in the candy store when I joined my first dojo. 7 years later and I still train for martial arts mainly and obstacle races secondary. I guess in my mind that there's someone who's gonna be attracted to me so I'm not really worried about doing anything extra to attract anyone lol.

    but I guess it's different for me because I dated guys of all shapes and sizes.
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    Dec 17, 2015 9:16 AM GMT
    Ahri saidyou know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.


    This guy gets it.

    I actually don't see the point of this thread because the OP has clearly made up his mind and believes what he believes. I still think turning yourself into something you have clearly stated don't want to be is completely the wrong way to go about it and will not lead to happiness but it's your life.

    There's also the huge question of how you are actually going to achieve something that you are so reluctant to do, especially when IT IS FUCKING HARD to bulk up. It's like me saying I'm going off to study for a Masters degree in a subject I hate. It just seems so fucked up and psychologically damaging to me.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 17, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    PulseFit said
    Ahri saidyou know when I first started to work out it was the sole purpose of getting the guys I liked to like me back. Granted the guys I like were not necessarily ALL muscular. I tend to like a cute face before the body, but a good body never hurt anyone when it came to the game of romance and dating.

    However, once I started to work out and the fat started to shred off my body AND my face. I realized I was an actually attractive guy, it gave me new found confidence and I eventually learned that I shouldn't work out for the sole reason of getting the men I want. Because once I got in shape and started to date the guys that prefer other guys with good bodies I quickly learned that dating shallow men who are body orientated are not ones that make quality boyfriends.

    You can call BS on that but I personally now workout on the sole purpose of myself and no one else.


    This guy gets it.

    I actually don't see the point of this thread because the OP has clearly made up his mind and believes what he believes. I still think turning yourself into something you have clearly stated don't want to be is completely the wrong way to go about it and will not lead to happiness but it's your life.

    There's also the huge question of how you are actually going to achieve something that you are so reluctant to do, especially when IT IS FUCKING HARD to bulk up. It's like me saying I'm going off to study for a Masters degree in a subject I hate. It just seems so fucked up and psychologically damaging to me.

    I'm guessing the OP will use your response as an excuse not to workout... And that's probably the point of the thread.