My life is a mess.

  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Dec 17, 2015 4:24 PM GMT
    I honestly feel so stuck.

    I made the poor choice of getting close with two guys thinking I could date them and get to know them online and just sort of be open. Long story short, that turned into a disaster, and one guy who I was talking to for 7 months and fell pretty hard for me got pretty heartbroken.. So here I am with the guy I choose, and things are going pretty good, except I can't get a hold of my self concious issues.. I have a tendency to "revert" or "hide" when I get self concious of things, and it makes commitments feel like traps sometimes.. Recently my skin (one of my biggest insecurities) has been breaking out a ton, and I've been to every dermatologist there is, and can't take accutane due to health issues, so I'm stuck fairing with it until it gets better with age. (I'm 22 and the acne is only mild-moderate, but persistent).

    So all in all, my issue is I'm scared I'm going to back out of this commitment cause I feel like I'm being suffocated, thus breaking another guys heart and feeling like shit about myself. I honestly wish I could get a hold of my self conciousness, and at the very least not let acne and stuff hold me back. I'm in constant worry I'm going to have a breakdown because of it and leave work, or quit school or something. I just feel like a mess.

    Not even sure what I'm asking for on here, advice, life experience.. I don't know. At the very least it's therapeutic to write it all out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 2:57 AM GMT
    Straighten out your life and your issues before involving another person. Seek professional help. You sound like you could use it.
  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Dec 18, 2015 3:55 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidStraighten out your life and your issues before involving another person. Seek professional help. You sound like you could use it.


    I have been in therapy for like 4 months for my self esteem ahahah. And in all fairness I told this boy all about it before we were close.. things just sort of happened to progress and get closer.

    It's just hard to break out of that fear of commitment, and that safety blanket of hiding from things your self concious of.

    Thanks for your "advice" though ;p
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 4:45 AM GMT
    The advice still stands.

    Therapy for "like four months" isn't long enough for your deep seated fear of commitment. You need to like continue to like going to therapy and like reconsider like any serious relationships until you're like over your fear of commitment.

    It's not nice to toy with others' emotions.

    Good luck.

    At least you recognize the problem and the need for professional help. That's a step in the right direction.
  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Dec 18, 2015 1:50 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidThe advice still stands.

    Therapy for "like four months" isn't long enough for your deep seated fear of commitment. You need to like continue to like going to therapy and like reconsider like any serious relationships until you're like over your fear of commitment.

    It's not nice to toy with others' emotions.

    Good luck.

    At least you recognize the problem and the need for professional help. That's a step in the right direction.


    Maybe I should set up an appointment with you, sound like a professional yourself~~~ ;p

    It's less so fear of commitment, more so self confidence issues. Not really deep seated, more so just superficial having trouble accepting my skin troubles and such. Though I take it you're someone who likes to run to a professional with everything, since that's your solid merit of advice.

    Maybe some talk therapy would do you some good too ahaha, it would help with that insufferable sarcasm you got going there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 2:34 PM GMT
    It's quite obvious to me now you also need to mature some more before you get involved in an adult relationship. Love and relationships are for grownups. Your defensive attitude reveals you're just an insecure little boy, but I understand - you're only 22 with so much more to learn.
  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Dec 18, 2015 3:22 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidIt's quite obvious to me now you also need to mature some more before you get involved in an adult relationship. Love and relationships are for grownups. Your defensive attitude reveals you're just an insecure little boy, but I understand - you're only 22 with so much more to learn.


    Kettle calling the pot black ;p

    You're the one on a forum giving sarcastic advice. I'm the one opening up saying that I have issues that I'm looking for others potential experience with. Doesn't take an expert to see what the more mature route is~
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 3:23 PM GMT
    Your issue is so personal that it's probably not very helpful to raise it here. It requires professional help. I'm doing post-graduate work in a related field, so feel free to email me off-line to see if I can help. Best wishes.
  • reed1993

    Posts: 18

    Dec 18, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
    JFrancis said"if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else"


    I agree with this quote for sure, still what I'm working on. But unfortunately for self love I think you need to push through experiences. I don't think anyone's truly 100% perfect with themselves before goings into a relationship. I definitely should have waited longer for my particular situation though ahaha.

    I guess mostly what I was asking is if anyone has anything they look to or practice to build confidence and self esteem? Methods, Mantras, experiences that helped them. That sorta thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 4:36 PM GMT
    reed1993 said
    UndercoverMan saidIt's quite obvious to me now you also need to mature some more before you get involved in an adult relationship. Love and relationships are for grownups. Your defensive attitude reveals you're just an insecure little boy, but I understand - you're only 22 with so much more to learn.


    Kettle calling the pot black ;p

    You're the one on a forum giving sarcastic advice. I'm the one opening up saying that I have issues that I'm looking for others potential experience with. Doesn't take an expert to see what the more mature route is~


    There was nothing sarcastic about my original response to you. I gave you solid advice and you came back with attitude putting advice in quotation marks (indicating you discount it) and ending with a symbol for a tongue sticking out (very mature I might add). You readily admit in you post that you "don't even know what I'm asking for" but then get defensive right off the bat when someone offers any advice.

    There are tons of people with skin issues and other reasons to feel insecure; however, they seem to get through life just fine. They find partners and happiness. You can too. I think you use the acne and other insecurities (but you chose to focus on the acne) as an excuse to pull away from people. I think you realize that too; otherwise, you wouldn't have sought the help of a therapist. So if you were already doing what I advised, all you needed to do is respond with, "Thank you, for the advice; I'm currently seeing a therapist." That's what a mature person does.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 18, 2015 6:10 PM GMT
    to the OP
    you have posted a few on this topic. what have you read so far that was helping? Discover anything new here?

  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 20, 2015 10:33 PM GMT

    Don't mind Undercoverman, he's a bit of a dick but i think he means well.


    Why can't you take accutane? Have you gotten a second opinion? There are of course many reasons not to take accutane but some doctors are far too squeamish when the health problems aren't their own.



    I know what you're going through....when i was your age, i put several relationships on "hold" while i tried to hit the gym hard and work on other issues....it didn't work at all, but i was insane enough to try it. lol

    Commitments are traps of course but traps can be cozy. The problem here is, i think you're dealing with bigger issues of abandonment and/or rejection. It took me a long time to admit i had abandonment issues, i really didn't see it, but i am beyond a textbook case.
    Everyone is afraid of rejection/abandonment.....but you're here verbalizing it though you might not be willing to admit you're as fucked up as it appears. lol



    Anyways, mantras....



    It all settles in on your understanding of yourself and your relation to others. So it's really just learning who you are and what others are and trying to hold on to that understanding as much as possible.

    Basically, you need to find a reason that makes sense to you intellectually, to think differently about yourself and about others. Neuroscience, Physics, Psychology, Religion (though that's a terrible one, but it works for some), Philosophy....or some combination or understaning of them all can help you to find a reason or reasons for yourself, to view your worth and the worth of others differently than you do now.

    That's really what it is about. You feel less than, and you need to balance the scales. You can balance them by bringing yourself up, and/or others down.




  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 20, 2015 11:33 PM GMT
    Prob won't help but for what it's worth, my guy had acne issues for the first 7 years we've been together. He was almost 30 and still dealing with it. Turned out to be the pre-workout drink that had some pro-hormone additives. I never paid attention to the pro-hormone stuff because I didn't think it was real. Was. But, the main thing was I didn't care about the acne except for the fact that he cared. I loved him because he was smart and cute and creative and quirky.

    Forget your acne except keep trying to fix it. Focus on being good at what you love to do. His is film-making. Your perfect guy will love you. May be the guy you've already got. We all have flaws and one thing I love about my guy is he kind of likes me just like this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 24, 2015 8:34 PM GMT
    badbug said
    Don't mind Undercoverman, he's a bit of a dick but i think he means well.
    ...


    I'd rather be a dick than a fucked up pussy.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 26, 2015 4:04 AM GMT

    I'd rather be a dick than a fucked up pussy


    Well you might be both, it's not really an either or. I would guess you're a dick because you're masking your inner pussy. Usually the dogs that bark the loudest are the most scared.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 26, 2015 6:51 AM GMT
    badbug said
    I'd rather be a dick than a fucked up pussy


    Well you might be both, it's not really an either or. I would guess you're a dick because you're masking your inner pussy. Usually the dogs that bark the loudest are the most scared.



    You can only guess at mine, but you've already admitted to your own fucked up status:

    "It took me a long time to admit i had abandonment issues, i really didn't see it, but i am beyond a textbook case."

    And then proceed to call the OP fucked up!

    "...but you're here verbalizing it though you might not be willing to admit you're as fucked up as it appears. lol

    Why don't you leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals? You're clearly out of your depth.