Difficulty making lasting friendship in the gay community.

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    Dec 20, 2015 10:19 AM GMT
    Hm, I'm sure that this topic have been covered on and off. I was just curious to see what are some of you guys' opinions or take on this? Have you find it difficult making and maintaining good lasting gay friendship with other gay guys??? I was going through my social media accounts and phone books, looking at here and there, I found a pattern that most of the gay guys I know, either they were acquaintances or I hooked up with them before. But thing were not at that stage of relationship oriented. I don't know, I kind of missed my ex a little bit, he was a good/best friend I had for a while but now we don't even talk that much since we live in different cities. I guess this is just me speaking during the holiday, lol, man I wish there could be like a gay male friendship circle like those girls in sex and the city lol, 1 for every type in a very non-sexual platonic but lasting friendship kind of way. There are people I feel close to before, now I don't even feel the same. I guess things always change. Oh well, you gotta keep on meeting new good people.icon_biggrin.gificon_redface.gificon_wink.gif
  • ManHunt

    Posts: 23

    Dec 20, 2015 2:32 PM GMT
    Haha, I wish I could answer that question. I don't have a single gay friend. Somehow, everyone that I know turns out to be straight which sucks because one of them is actually really hot... icon_evil.gif

    Yes, it is the holiday season and I was just thinking about my high school friends who I used to talk to. In that case, I just sent them a text to catch up a little.
  • AMoonHawk

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    Dec 20, 2015 5:16 PM GMT
    You make friends with people you actually want to be friends with. Not everyone is a close friend, most are acquaintances.
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    Dec 20, 2015 6:32 PM GMT
    My fiancée and I have a circle of very nice friends and a wider circle of acquaintances..I was much more shy in my youth and I know actively try to increase our number of friends.That way if we lose some we still have some left!lol
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    Dec 20, 2015 8:38 PM GMT
    I came out late in life so I didn't form friendships with other gay men at the time you form lasting friendships which is usually high school and college. Anyway, the gay men from that era that would have been my friends are mostly dead because of AIDS.

    I also tend to be more relationship oriented. My husband is my friend. Outside of him a few people are friends the rest are acquaintances and family.

    Young gay men are difficult to forge friendships with because gay guys see all other gay guys as sexual conquests. So before getting to know someone to determine if they are friend material or relationship material we sleep with each other. It is usually difficult for people to go from hook ups to friends. Although, I have with a few.

    A day will come when gay people will not have to hide in their formative years and will be better able to forge good relationships. I know that during my teens and twenties I wouldn't let anyone get close to me for fear they would discover the real me.
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    Dec 20, 2015 9:37 PM GMT
    I agreed with some of the points mentioned, gay men have this sexual conquest in their mind, so most would want to sleep and hook up with you to become friends. But it's hard to go from hook up to friendship since I assume one guy will always like the other guy more??

    I found this interesting link commenting on why it's difficult to make friends, gay or straight.

    http://headhearthand.org/blog/2014/04/17/10-reasons-why-men-have-so-much-difficulty-making-friends/

    I don't know, another theory I have, maybe men are less emotional than women or have too much pride or too fearful. When was the last time you seen an all male friends group get together and talk about break up with their exes ?? lol Maybe it's unrealistic for me to expect platonic gay male friendship like in sex and the city. But One can wish. icon_lol.gificon_biggrin.gificon_redface.gif
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    Dec 20, 2015 10:38 PM GMT
    Difficulty making lasting friendship in the gay community.

    For us this is easy. We've made a lot of good friends, some fairly recently. We go out to eat all the time with these 2 guys we met less than 2 years ago, we now see them almost every day. I think we're supposed to have a lobster lunch with them tomorrow, but I gotta check that.

    I observe a guy, I evaluate him, I approach him, talk with him. We continue to run into each other at various social venues. He meets my husband as well (who charms everyone, far better than dull me), or maybe he meets the hubby first. Our object isn't sex, which narrows things down. We just wanna make friends. We find it remarkably easy, when we wanna befriend a guy.

    And actually that's the same strategy I used to find sex, when I was single. I rarely hunted for sex, I hunted for friends, or just friendly guys to talk with. And from friends sex sometimes was the result. It was a successful formula, that kept my bed full (or me in someone else's) most weekends for years when I was single. Ugly, stupid old me - imagine! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 21, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    My friends are all straight. My guy best friend is straight and my closest "besty" is a straight woman. I've never been able to make friends/want to befriend the gay men I knew. In college the ones I met were super obnoxious and judged everyone. I can't handle it lol

    I find many gay men to be rude, insecure, sex-crazed, and not genuine. Plus the gay "community" is not really a community. It's separated by a superficial attraction scale, race and social status, age, and other silly factors.

    Ok, I'm done :-)
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    Dec 21, 2015 12:45 AM GMT
    Well, of course gay men are insecure considering when growing up the word fag was hurled as an insult, gays were the brunt of scorn and ridicule, and bullied.

    Of course some gays are not genuine. They have had years of experience being someone they aren't.

    Of course some gays are rude. It's a defense mechanism. Cut others down before they cut you down. It's also a way to keep people at arms length.
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    Dec 21, 2015 12:56 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWell, of course gay men are insecure considering when growing up the word fag was hurled as an insult, gays were the brunt of scorn and ridicule, and bullied.

    Of course some gays are not genuine. They have had years of experience being someone they aren't.

    Of course some gays are rude. It's a defense mechanism. Cut others down before they cut you down. It's also a way to keep people at arms length.


    You don't know me to believe what I am about to write. But, trust me when I tell you, I am not any of those negative traits I described above. My family and friends and network love me and respect me for being genuine and sincere and respectful. I have a lot of empathy for people and I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable around me. My friends are all the same way, I can't really "be around" people who are otherwise.

    That being said, there is no excuse for grown men and women, gay or straight, to have such negative traits and attitudes.

    Does that make sense?
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    Dec 21, 2015 1:23 AM GMT
    If I consider my circle of best gay friends, I've been friends with them for at least 5 years. Some extend 13 years by now. I really really love my gay friends! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 21, 2015 1:32 AM GMT
    visastamp saidMy friends are all straight. My guy best friend is straight and my closest "besty" is a straight woman. I've never been able to make friends/want to befriend the gay men I knew. In college the ones I met were super obnoxious and judged everyone. I can't handle it lol

    I find many gay men to be rude, insecure, sex-crazed, and not genuine. Plus the gay "community" is not really a community. It's separated by a superficial attraction scale, race and social status, age, and other silly factors.

    Ok, I'm done :-)


    It makes me wonder what kind of gay men you tried to befriend. For the sake of argument let's assume what you say is true: that there are plenty of "rude, insecure, sex-crazed, and not genuine" gay men who don't deserve your attention.

    I'm 100% sure there are other gay men who relate with you and who have the same negative impression of such guys. People who hate what you hate, people who are oppressed or despised by the same ones who look down on you. You have this in common with them and this is no small thing: shit is the cement of the strongest friendships. How come you never found another gay man who shared your views?
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    Dec 21, 2015 1:35 AM GMT
    azure1000 saidIf I'm not attracted to a gay guy then I have no interested in getting to know him.


    We already know what happens when a less attractive gay man acts like that.
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    Dec 21, 2015 2:39 AM GMT
    azure1000 said

    Straight guy's just make better friends than gay guys. Trust me gay men are doing you a favor when they don't talk to you.


    +1 unless they can offer more then the topic of which drag queen won this seasons ru paul's drag race. They aren't worth investing in making friendships over.
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    Dec 21, 2015 2:55 AM GMT
    azure1000 said

    Straight guy's just make better friends than gay guys. Trust me gay men are doing you a favor when they don't talk to you.


    Not surprising coming from someone who said "If I'm not attracted to a gay guy then I have no interested in getting to know him"
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    Dec 21, 2015 3:14 AM GMT
    bachian said
    visastamp saidMy friends are all straight. My guy best friend is straight and my closest "besty" is a straight woman. I've never been able to make friends/want to befriend the gay men I knew. In college the ones I met were super obnoxious and judged everyone. I can't handle it lol

    I find many gay men to be rude, insecure, sex-crazed, and not genuine. Plus the gay "community" is not really a community. It's separated by a superficial attraction scale, race and social status, age, and other silly factors.

    Ok, I'm done :-)


    It makes me wonder what kind of gay men you tried to befriend. For the sake of argument let's assume what you say is true: that there are plenty of "rude, insecure, sex-crazed, and not genuine" gay men who don't deserve your attention.

    I'm 100% sure there are other gay men who relate with you and who have the same negative impression of such guys. People who hate what you hate, people who are oppressed or despised by the same ones who look down on you. You have this in common with them and this is no small thing: shit is the cement of the strongest friendships. How come you never found another gay man who shared your views?


    Believe it or not, most of the gay men I've tried to get to know have not been interested in a friendship with me, they had sex on their mind. Like that other guy wrote, they don't see any value in me if it's not sexual. I am actually celibate so they lose interest quick, if they even had interest. Secondly, this "gay community" is really divided, and I never really felt accepted in it, as gay men would just look at me weird and the energy is always negative. I am more accepted by straight people than gay people.

    I honestly believe, from just living and traveling, that straight men and women find me more attractive than gay people do.

    So although there are probably many commonalities I have with gay people, due to my looks or their superficial standards for friendships, I am not welcome. Not sure what else to say. I'm a great guy and have wonderful friendships, just with all straight people.
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    Dec 21, 2015 4:48 AM GMT
    LionEyes saidSure, is always cool to have gay friends and talk topics that you wouldn't be as comfortable or that they could relate when you're dealing with straight people but you can have that level of friendship (being open and honest to talk about any topic) with anyone as long there is a connection.

    If you want to have real friendship with men (gay or straight) you have to make the conscious decision not to sleep with them before or after. If you don't think you can keep it in your pants, pursue friendship with ugly men, people you wouldn't fuck even if you were drunk icon_lol.gif


    From looking through your feeds, it appears you have a personal issue with being able to keep it in your pants LOL.
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    Dec 21, 2015 4:57 AM GMT
    LionEyes saidIf you want to have real friendship with men (gay or straight) you have to make the conscious decision not to sleep with them before or after. If you don't think you can keep it in your pants, pursue friendship with ugly men, people you wouldn't fuck even if you were drunk icon_lol.gif


    Hahahahah or just someone who's sexually incompatible (bottoms with bottoms)
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    Dec 21, 2015 6:00 AM GMT
    In my experiences with gay/bi men, there is some truth to this post. About 95% of the gay/bi men I've tried to be friends have tried to get in my pants or hint it. And if you turn them down, they get mad or try to Persuade you. Honestly I only have one gay best friend and he has not tried to have sex with me. But like the others mentioned I have better platonic friendships with straight people.
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    Dec 21, 2015 12:28 PM GMT
    I haven't had much luck either but thats ok. I appreciate the close friend I already have. And im grateful that I can speak to them about anything without it being awkward. Love my brosicon_cool.gif
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    Dec 21, 2015 1:48 PM GMT
    azure1000 saidDon't seek gay friends, you will be much happier having normal heterosexual friends with normal opinions, and lives.


    Well, they aren't necessarily "normal" either. I don't think anyone is "normal" to be honest. And we are all gay/bi on here, so we don't want to cast ourselves as weird or something, right? As crazy as some gay men are, I certainly don't hate being gay or hate them. We don't want to send that kind of message.
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    Dec 21, 2015 2:49 PM GMT
    visastamp said
    UndercoverMan saidWell, of course gay men are insecure considering when growing up the word fag was hurled as an insult, gays were the brunt of scorn and ridicule, and bullied.

    Of course some gays are not genuine. They have had years of experience being someone they aren't.

    Of course some gays are rude. It's a defense mechanism. Cut others down before they cut you down. It's also a way to keep people at arms length.


    You don't know me to believe what I am about to write. But, trust me when I tell you, I am not any of those negative traits I described above. My family and friends and network love me and respect me for being genuine and sincere and respectful. I have a lot of empathy for people and I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable around me. My friends are all the same way, I can't really "be around" people who are otherwise.

    That being said, there is no excuse for grown men and women, gay or straight, to have such negative traits and attitudes.

    Does that make sense?


    You're right; I don't know you to believe what you are telling me but from your picture I assume you're human and if you're human I know you aren't perfect. I bet you dollars to donuts you've exhibited some of those very traits you say you are not. We are never the best judges of ourselves. We often dislike in others that wish we fail to see in ourselves, so forgive me if I'm skeptical.

    It takes some people many years to work through the emotional scars suffered in their youth; so yes, there are reasons there are adults with negative traits and attitudes. Does that make sense?

    You'll see this and understand better as you gain life experience. At 25 I thought I was damned near perfect too.
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    Dec 21, 2015 3:27 PM GMT
    friends; gay or straight you have to have something to offer. a lot of people solve their own problems. Sex in the City was fiction.

    be careful over the holidays with your people. Solve all your problems next year. For right now you have someone who cares enough to bitch at you.
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    Dec 21, 2015 8:09 PM GMT
    laxwill10 saidHm, I'm sure that this topic have been covered on and off. I was just curious to see what are some of you guys' opinions or take on this? Have you find it difficult making and maintaining good lasting gay friendship with other gay guys??? I was going through my social media accounts and phone books, looking at here and there, I found a pattern that most of the gay guys I know, either they were acquaintances or I hooked up with them before. But thing were not at that stage of relationship oriented. I don't know, I kind of missed my ex a little bit, he was a good/best friend I had for a while but now we don't even talk that much since we live in different cities. I guess this is just me speaking during the holiday, lol, man I wish there could be like a gay male friendship circle like those girls in sex and the city lol, 1 for every type in a very non-sexual platonic but lasting friendship kind of way. There are people I feel close to before, now I don't even feel the same. I guess things always change. Oh well, you gotta keep on meeting new good people.icon_biggrin.gificon_redface.gificon_wink.gif


    Asians have a fantasy of being surrounded by muscled white hunks and being wanted by all of them at the same time. Sorry my experience with Asian guys has been nothing but horrible, the most self hating, arrogant, unreal, stupid, quite ugly and desperate people....desperate to be accepted by whites and full of hate / jealousy towards everyone else including thier own kind.

    A word of advice...look for friends on a similar physical / mental level as yours and you wont have any difficulties making long lasting friendships / relationships. Oh and god forbid if an Asian guy has a bit of muscle and squared features, their attitude is higher than a mountain...they still have weird body odour from all that fish sauce they put in their food.
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    Dec 21, 2015 8:20 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    visastamp said
    UndercoverMan saidWell, of course gay men are insecure considering when growing up the word fag was hurled as an insult, gays were the brunt of scorn and ridicule, and bullied.

    Of course some gays are not genuine. They have had years of experience being someone they aren't.

    Of course some gays are rude. It's a defense mechanism. Cut others down before they cut you down. It's also a way to keep people at arms length.


    You don't know me to believe what I am about to write. But, trust me when I tell you, I am not any of those negative traits I described above. My family and friends and network love me and respect me for being genuine and sincere and respectful. I have a lot of empathy for people and I go out of my way to make others feel comfortable around me. My friends are all the same way, I can't really "be around" people who are otherwise.

    That being said, there is no excuse for grown men and women, gay or straight, to have such negative traits and attitudes.

    Does that make sense?


    You're right; I don't know you to believe what you are telling me but from your picture I assume you're human and if you're human I know you aren't perfect. I bet you dollars to donuts you've exhibited some of those very traits you say you are not. We are never the best judges of ourselves. We often dislike in others that wish we fail to see in ourselves, so forgive me if I'm skeptical.

    It takes some people many years to work through the emotional scars suffered in their youth; so yes, there are reasons there are adults with negative traits and attitudes. Does that make sense?

    You'll see this and understand better as you gain life experience. At 25 I thought I was damned near perfect too.


    Nope, that's not my character or how I was raised. I'm not perfect, but I don't treat people like trash.