Confused about sexual role, relationship, & new to being gay

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 2:08 AM GMT
    I recently came out at the age of 33. Prior to this I was married to a woman. I have been with the same man now for roughly a year. He is a total top. Before coming out I had no idea that there were all of these different sexual roles. I just assumed all gay men liked everything. (i.e. suck, be sucked, fuck, be fucked, rim, etc.) I assume that I am versatile because I like different things, but I haven't had a chance to explore.

    My boyfriend in the beginning said he would give me blowjobs, but has since said he isn't interested in doing so. I'm very confused about my sexual role. I know I like to suck dick but I always have the feeling at the end of okay now it's my turn and he doesn't reciprocate because that isn't what he likes. I don't know how someone gets off by just sucking dick. I'm tired of having to touch myself to get off. I have the same feeling with fucking. I love being fucked but don't always want to be the submissive one.

    I was always the dominant one when I was with woman obviously, and I have masculinity issues surrounding being submissive all the time. (i.e. I don't want to feel like a woman) I can't really say if this is my primary hang up or not.

    I love this man very much and I would be totally devestated if our relationship were to end just because of sex. I know I'm not a total bottom so I just see this being an issue for our future. He has said he wants to remain monogomous and I would like that as well if that is possible.

    Any constructive help you can provide is appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 3:10 PM GMT
    I speak from experience. The relationship is doomed. You wouldn't be dating my ex would you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 3:14 PM GMT
    I was hoping someone would have some advice. I joined just so I could ask this question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 3:23 PM GMT
    @UndercoverMan could you elaborate. I have to add that I have 2 kids from my marriage which he loves very much and is good with them. My divorce which is on going has been very bitter and he has stuck by me. We have had issues with having sex period because of everything that has happened. I can't just throw it away without trying. He says to have faith but I just can't help but worry. I don't think he isn't willing to compromise he just wants time. My concern is since his mind isn't wired like mine I'll never be satisfied sexually. I've spent years struggling to find my sexual identity and I don't want to struggle again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 3:45 PM GMT
    its the holidays; solve your issues next year. Sounds like you got lots going in your relationship for right now.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 3:50 PM GMT
    pellaz saidits the holidays; solve your issues next year. Sounds like you got lots going in your relationship for right now.



    That would be what he would say. LOL so I can appreciate your answer. Thank you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 5:39 PM GMT
    That's quite the dilemma, I have dealt with a similar situation myself. However, it was I who failed to reciprocate. I was procrastinating with the idea of oral sex also. In turn she brought it up, and I would offer the same excuse.

    "Just need a little time."

    The procrastination persisted, and ultimately she took control of the situation, by steadily taking sex of the table when I was most desperate. Eventually I just manned up, and the rest is history.

    Now, everyone will not act accordingly, I believe the best thing you can do is keep that dialogue open. It sounds like the guy really loves you,he might open up eventually.

    Sorry about your situation, Buddy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 6:04 PM GMT
    RPGFanatic saidThat's quite the dilemma, I have dealt with a similar situation myself. However, it was I who failed to reciprocate. I was procrastinating with the idea of oral sex also. In turn she brought it up, and I would offer the same excuse.

    "Just need a little time."

    The procrastination persisted, and ultimately she took control of the situation, by steadily taking sex of the table when I was most desperate. Eventually I just manned up, and the rest is history.

    Now, everyone will not act accordingly, I believe the best thing you can do is keep that dialogue open. It sounds like the guy really loves you,he might open up eventually.

    Sorry about your situation, Buddy.


    Thanks for the thoughtful response. I do plan on giving it my all
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Dec 21, 2015 7:45 PM GMT
    An old maxim went something like sex is only 10% of a good relationship when it is working but 90% when it is not. Your guy is what is called a "Total Top" which generally means both top in anal matters but also does not suck dick, though that is sometimes not the case. If that is what he is, it is highly unlikely he will change stripes. If you need to experience being a top, tell him. You don't have to leave him in order to give it a try but if you don't try, you'll be unhappy until you do. I agree, though. Wait until the divorce mess is over and you have a chance to breath.

    BUT, let me tell you how enlightened guys see the top/bottom thing. You or he may have a preference, you may even be exclusively this or that, but none of it determines masculinity or dominance. First of all, get it out of your head that either of you should be dominant over the other. That can be the case if you two like that but in most good gay couples, the division is even. Just stop thinking that way. Secondly, and this will come up forever, the guy in the bottom role sexually is NOT being submissive. That is an old, out of date, m/f concept that isn't even true in the hetero world anymore. I was a total bottom guy in a couple of relationships in the past and I guarantee you, I was not submissive. EVER. If I was getting poked, it was because I enjoyed it. End of story. Realign your thinking. Bad marriages carry baggage and you need to discard that notion along with her.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 8:58 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidAn old maxim went something like sex is only 10% of a good relationship when it is working but 90% when it is not. Your guy is what is called a "Total Top" which generally means both top in anal matters but also does not suck dick, though that is sometimes not the case. If that is what he is, it is highly unlikely he will change stripes. If you need to experience being a top, tell him. You don't have to leave him in order to give it a try but if you don't try, you'll be unhappy until you do. I agree, though. Wait until the divorce mess is over and you have a chance to breath.

    BUT, let me tell you how enlightened guys see the top/bottom thing. You or he may have a preference, you may even be exclusively this or that, but none of it determines masculinity or dominance. First of all, get it out of your head that either of you should be dominant over the other. That can be the case if you two like that but in most good gay couples, the division is even. Just stop thinking that way. Secondly, and this will come up forever, the guy in the bottom role sexually is NOT being submissive. That is an old, out of date, m/f concept that isn't even true in the hetero world anymore. I was a total bottom guy in a couple of relationships in the past and I guarantee you, I was not submissive. EVER. If I was getting poked, it was because I enjoyed it. End of story. Realign your thinking. Bad marriages carry baggage and you need to discard that notion along with her.





    Thank you. I know part of my hang up is I view the world through a hetero normative lens. I recognize that and am working on that.
    It gives me comfort that you say you were a total bottom in past relationships but essentially you aren't defining yourself that way forever more. It was just that way for part of your life.
    After all the drama in my life I have a hard time believing in a forever relationship. Maybe I need to work on accepting this and him for what it is and exploring my bottom side for now.
    Not that I'm going to be dishonest about my feelings but I feel I haven't given it enough time to really know if I could be happy this way.

    BTW he did bottom for me once which he said he never did for anyone else. He's 41. Of course I liked it. But he never did it again. Based on this alone I know he really cares about me because it was a big deal for him.

    Coming out late in life is mind fuck. I have never been so damn horny in my life and all this is really exciting to me. That may be part of my problem too, for him this is old news, for me I want to try it all and right now lol.

    Thanks
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 10:44 PM GMT
    "I just assumed all gay men liked everything. (i.e. suck, be sucked, fuck, be fucked, rim, etc." Hey - you were right - most gay men do - you just happened to hook up with someone who only likes two sexual acts. Your description sounds pretty bleak - Does he at least rim you into uncontrollable ecstasy before fucking your ass?

    I'm a pretty versatile guy, and have never understood the thinking of "total tops." Most guys who see themselves as anal tops, will nevertheless engage in sucking cock. I could never be in a longtime relationship with a guy who was a "total top." I have been with a number of them over my sexual career, but only for a night or two. They should work out well as the partner of someone who is a "total bottom," or a guy who is totally "submissive" and gets off only by pleasing his partner - who has no sexual desires of his own. But a relationship with a "total top" sounds dubious for anyone who is versatile, enjoys fucking, or enjoys getting his cock sucked (Breathes there a gay man with desire so bare that never to himself hath thought that he enjoys having his cock sucked?)

    You don't yet know whether you like fucking a lot? What were you doing during those 6 years of gay sex before you men this total top?

    "I don't know how someone gets off by just sucking dick." Well, some small portion of gay guys do - they get excited about sucking 20 dicks in a night - you're just not one of them. And since you're not, sounds like you really need more outlets for your sexual desires (and you already know this).

    Long Term Relationships are all about compromise. You don't say anything else about your relationship, but in the sex department, you seem to have hooked up with a guy who isn't willing to compromise. (He was willing to let you fuck him once in a year's time.) You're only 40 - so you should not have to resign yourself to a relationship that will never be sexually satisfying, just to keep a man. It looks like that is where you are. So try talking to him - let him know you really want more variety in the sex department - where you get to fuck him periodically and he will suck your dick. It is not at all uncommon for men to suck their partner's dick, even if it does not appeal to them, because they need to please their partner. I think you BF is being selfish - he gets his needs met, but won't compromise to meet yours. Kinda of like in straight marriages, where the wife won't give a blow job, or the guy won't go down on his wife.

    And if he won't engage in any compromise in the sex department, can you imagine living with him, where he might not be willing to compromise on other things?

    He may be so hardwired that he will never do what you want sexually. So maybe you two can agree that you can get these sexual needs met outside the relationship. Not as good as getting it from him, but it may allow your relationship to continue.

    If you can't work something out along these lines - either he compromises - or you get it somewhere else - I don't see a future in your relationship. Sorry if that turns out to be the case. You deserve sex - the kind you want - whether from him or someone else.

    You might try reading some Dan Savage's "Savage Love" columns - probably on line. I remember reading him opining on this subject at least once. (I think he agrees with me on this.)

    make yourself a New Year's resolution to get the sex you want - at least somehow.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 11:02 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said"I just assumed all gay men liked everything. (i.e. suck, be sucked, fuck, be fucked, rim, etc." Hey - you were right - most gay men do - you just happened to hook up with someone who only likes two sexual acts. Your description sounds pretty bleak - Does he at least rim you into uncontrollable ecstasy before fucking your ass?

    I'm a pretty versatile guy, and have never understood the thinking of "total tops." Most guys who see themselves as anal tops, will nevertheless engage in sucking cock. I could never be in a longtime relationship with a guy who was a "total top." I have been with a number of them over my sexual career, but only for a night or two. They should work out well as the partner of someone who is a "total bottom," or a guy who is totally "submissive" and gets off only by pleasing his partner - who has no sexual desires of his own. But a relationship with a "total top" sounds dubious for anyone who is versatile, enjoys fucking, or enjoys getting his cock sucked (Breathes there a gay man with desire so bare that never to himself hath thought that he enjoys having his cock sucked?)

    You don't yet know whether you like fucking a lot? What were you doing during those 6 years of gay sex before you men this total top?

    "I don't know how someone gets off by just sucking dick." Well, some small portion of gay guys do - they get excited about sucking 20 dicks in a night - you're just not one of them. And since you're not, sounds like you really need more outlets for your sexual desires (and you already know this).

    Long Term Relationships are all about compromise. You don't say anything else about your relationship, but in the sex department, you seem to have hooked up with a guy who isn't willing to compromise. (He was willing to let you fuck him once in a year's time.) You're only 40 - so you should not have to resign yourself to a relationship that will never be sexually satisfying, just to keep a man. It looks like that is where you are. So try talking to him - let him know you really want more variety in the sex department - where you get to fuck him periodically and he will suck your dick. It is not at all uncommon for men to suck their partner's dick, even if it does not appeal to them, because they need to please their partner. I think you BF is being selfish - he gets his needs met, but won't compromise to meet yours. Kinda of like in straight marriages, where the wife won't give a blow job, or the guy won't go down on his wife.

    And if he won't engage in any compromise in the sex department, can you imagine living with him, where he might not be willing to compromise on other things?

    He may be so hardwired that he will never do what you want sexually. So maybe you two can agree that you can get these sexual needs met outside the relationship. Not as good as getting it from him, but it may allow your relationship to continue.

    If you can't work something out along these lines - either he compromises - or you get it somewhere else - I don't see a future in your relationship. Sorry if that turns out to be the case. You deserve sex - the kind you want - whether from him or someone else.

    You might try reading some Dan Savage's "Savage Love" columns - probably on line. I remember reading him opining on this subject at least once. (I think he agrees with me on this.)

    make yourself a New Year's resolution to get the sex you want - at least somehow.


    I'm 34 now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 21, 2015 11:05 PM GMT
    zoltar said
    HikerSkier said"I just assumed all gay men liked everything. (i.e. suck, be sucked, fuck, be fucked, rim, etc." Hey - you were right - most gay men do - you just happened to hook up with someone who only likes two sexual acts. Your description sounds pretty bleak - Does he at least rim you into uncontrollable ecstasy before fucking your ass?

    I'm a pretty versatile guy, and have never understood the thinking of "total tops." Most guys who see themselves as anal tops, will nevertheless engage in sucking cock. I could never be in a longtime relationship with a guy who was a "total top." I have been with a number of them over my sexual career, but only for a night or two. They should work out well as the partner of someone who is a "total bottom," or a guy who is totally "submissive" and gets off only by pleasing his partner - who has no sexual desires of his own. But a relationship with a "total top" sounds dubious for anyone who is versatile, enjoys fucking, or enjoys getting his cock sucked (Breathes there a gay man with desire so bare that never to himself hath thought that he enjoys having his cock sucked?)

    You don't yet know whether you like fucking a lot? What were you doing during those 6 years of gay sex before you men this total top?

    "I don't know how someone gets off by just sucking dick." Well, some small portion of gay guys do - they get excited about sucking 20 dicks in a night - you're just not one of them. And since you're not, sounds like you really need more outlets for your sexual desires (and you already know this).

    Long Term Relationships are all about compromise. You don't say anything else about your relationship, but in the sex department, you seem to have hooked up with a guy who isn't willing to compromise. (He was willing to let you fuck him once in a year's time.) You're only 40 - so you should not have to resign yourself to a relationship that will never be sexually satisfying, just to keep a man. It looks like that is where you are. So try talking to him - let him know you really want more variety in the sex department - where you get to fuck him periodically and he will suck your dick. It is not at all uncommon for men to suck their partner's dick, even if it does not appeal to them, because they need to please their partner. I think you BF is being selfish - he gets his needs met, but won't compromise to meet yours. Kinda of like in straight marriages, where the wife won't give a blow job, or the guy won't go down on his wife.

    And if he won't engage in any compromise in the sex department, can you imagine living with him, where he might not be willing to compromise on other things?

    He may be so hardwired that he will never do what you want sexually. So maybe you two can agree that you can get these sexual needs met outside the relationship. Not as good as getting it from him, but it may allow your relationship to continue.

    If you can't work something out along these lines - either he compromises - or you get it somewhere else - I don't see a future in your relationship. Sorry if that turns out to be the case. You deserve sex - the kind you want - whether from him or someone else.

    You might try reading some Dan Savage's "Savage Love" columns - probably on line. I remember reading him opining on this subject at least once. (I think he agrees with me on this.)

    make yourself a New Year's resolution to get the sex you want - at least somehow.


    I'm 34 now.

    Your profile definitely says 40. If you're only 34, it is all the more reason to find a relationship that is sexually satisfying.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 21, 2015 11:15 PM GMT

    Long Term Relationships are all about compromise


    Basically this.


    My boyfriend in the beginning said he would give me blowjobs, but has since said he isn't interested in doing so


    Sigh. The things people will say to get what they want. I am sure it isn't an accident that he recently discovered he wasn't into giving blowjobs. He lied to you at the start of your relationship, and now that he has you hooked he doesn't have to try as hard. Wonderful.


    Honestly, i think that's pretty sleazy if he knew you were coming off a divorce and new to the gay world and just sort of fed you some bullshit to get what he wanted from you.

    He has said he wants to remain monogomous


    Sigh.




    I would really question the idea that your first same sex relationship, coming off a bitter divorce, just happens to be the right one. That's pretty lucky?

    Not that I'm going to be dishonest about my feelings but I feel I haven't given it enough time to really know if I could be happy this way


    You know you can't. That's why you are here.



    You are just coming off a divorce. Do you really see yourself going through another multi-year struggle with another person not fulfilling your needs?

    Your relationship is 1 year old and is already having fundamental issues.


    I love this man very much and I would be totally devestated if our relationship were to end just because of sex

    It's not just about sex. It's about reality. It's about your pleasure and your partner's commitment to bringing you pleasure. It's about a reasonable likelihood that a long term relationship will work out, because there is going to be plenty of other hurdles as you know. You really willing to go through those hurdles with a man that is happy enough with you not having your needs met? How hard is it to suck a dick? I mean, it's great i guess to just pull the "total top" card if you can get away with it lol