How do I rephrase this?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 21, 2015 11:05 PM GMT
    I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. A lot of guys tell me they think I'm still in life be with my ex because I generally bring him up on the first date. However the reason I bring him up is because I moved to Houston to be with him and then he dumped me 13 days before the move. I didn't feel there was enough time to change my plans so I moved and here I am. This is a city of transplants. Asking where you are from and why you are here is very common. I'm thinking of simply saying I'd rather not discuss it because people tend to make a bigger deal about it than I do. I feel that will only cause guys to become even more curious. I lied the first year I was here but that was out of shame. I'm no longer ashamed but tired of hearing the excuse you still love your ex.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Dec 22, 2015 1:54 AM GMT
    If your ex was important enough for to move, then don't apologize for talking about him. But listen to them: how much do they talk about their exes?

    I think you did the right thing by dropping the lying. You're growing again. Keep going.
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    Dec 22, 2015 2:06 AM GMT
    I'm in the witness protection program and am really an elderly white lady.

    I'm a vampire and Houston is the most soulless place on earth so I don't feel as bad sucking Houstonians' blood.

    I just love stifling heat and humidity.

    Bad karma incurred in a previous life has caused me to spend this lifetime in Texas.

    You don't need to lie but you don't need to tell the whole truth. Just say you came to be with an old BF. Things didn't work out and you stayed. You don't need to say he dumped you within two weeks of your arrival. People understand breakups.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 22, 2015 2:09 AM GMT
    I would say that you were in a relationship and planning the move together, and even though the relationship didn't work out, you were still excited about the move to Houston and making a change. You just didn't expect that much of a change and laugh about it.
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    Dec 22, 2015 2:45 AM GMT
    Call it a cosmic joke, or a twist of fate. Be vague and say you moved for a relationship that never materialized. Feign facetious surprise that anyone would move to Houston *except* to break up with their ex.

    Not great examples, but make it about you and your journey and what you found (or want to find) in Houston, not the who screwed you over. They're not asking you about him, they're asking about you.

    Oh, and don't call him by name or even by relationship (and limit the number of times you say "ex"). If you absolutely must mention him call him "dude" or "what's-his-name" or whatever your favorite dismissive placeholder is.


    If none of that sounds useful, try waiting to ask about them until after you've volunteered as much as you care to on the first pass. Save asking about where they come from to use as a diversion from your own story, perhaps?


    Just another possible take on what the others have already suggested. I'm not great at this myself, as you can tell. You'll figure it out one way or another.
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    Dec 22, 2015 4:16 AM GMT
    What are your dates saying to you exactly? I say this because just mentioning your ex on a date doesn't automatically make people think you're not over someone. Everyone has a history and your ex is part of yours. I wonder if your dates are reading your body language and are getting a feeling that you're still hurt/not over him.

    After a rough breakup, sometimes you need to not date so that you can reset and not be bitter or on the rebound. Maybe that is what they are trying to tell you that they sense.
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    Dec 22, 2015 4:59 AM GMT
    MrFuscle saidI'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. A lot of guys tell me they think I'm still in life be with my ex because I generally bring him up on the first date. However the reason I bring him up is because I moved to Houston to be with him and then he dumped me 13 days before the move. I didn't feel there was enough time to change my plans so I moved and here I am. This is a city of transplants. Asking where you are from and why you are here is very common. I'm thinking of simply saying I'd rather not discuss it because people tend to make a bigger deal about it than I do. I feel that will only cause guys to become even more curious. I lied the first year I was here but that was out of shame. I'm no longer ashamed but tired of hearing the excuse you still love your ex.



    Well this sentence here, "A lot of guys tell me they think I'm still in life be with my ex because I generally bring him up on the first date," is grammatically incorrect. Read it carefully, rewrite it.

    :p
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Dec 22, 2015 5:15 AM GMT
    That's a rock in a hard place alright, in a strange way I find myself still in love and kinda yearning for my first love (who is still around but has a gf), but know I should be happy with the man I have now. We all do stupid things for people we think we love, but maybe you should try and get him out of your system then move on or move to where you feel more at home.
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    Dec 22, 2015 5:59 AM GMT
    oldfart saidIf your ex was important enough for to move, then don't apologize for talking about him. But listen to them: how much do they talk about their exes?

    I think you did the right thing by dropping the lying. You're growing again. Keep going.


    thanks
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:02 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidI'm in the witness protection program and am really an elderly white lady.

    I'm a vampire and Houston is the most soulless place on earth so I don't feel as bad sucking Houstonians' blood.

    I just love stifling heat and humidity.

    Bad karma incurred in a previous life has caused me to spend this lifetime in Texas.

    You don't need to lie but you don't need to tell the whole truth. Just say you came to be with an old BF. Things didn't work out and you stayed. You don't need to say he dumped you within two weeks of your arrival. People understand breakups.


    Lol I actually tell people my alter ego is a white girl named Becky and she comes out when I am really feeling a guy.

    If I wanted to suck the blood of the soulless I'd move back too Dallas.

    I value my life WAY to much to say anything Negative about Texas to a Texan.

    Thanks. I may be over explaining. I tend to do that.
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:10 AM GMT
    Timbales saidI would say that you were in a relationship and planning the move together, and even though the relationship didn't work out, you were still excited about the move to Houston and making a change. You just didn't expect that much of a change and laugh about it.


    that would be a lie. Had he told me two weeks earlier I wouldn't have moved. While I have grown to like Houston. I still see the move as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Its not pretty and too conservative here.
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:19 AM GMT
    woodfordr saidWhat are your dates saying to you exactly? I say this because just mentioning your ex on a date doesn't automatically make people think you're not over someone. Everyone has a history and your ex is part of yours. I wonder if your dates are reading your body language and are getting a feeling that you're still hurt/not over him.

    After a rough breakup, sometimes you need to not date so that you can reset and not be bitter or on the rebound. Maybe that is what they are trying to tell you that they sense.


    I think this is what they see. I am a very honest person, too honest I have been told. I notice guys in Houston lie a lot and expect to be lied too. Almost every dude I invited over assumed I was cheating on my roommate when we had sex. They assumed I was lieing about him being my roommate. One guy even said guys lie about that all the time and he just didn't want drama.

    When I tell them I would never leave anyone for an ex regardless of how I feel about that ex, they don't believe it. I don't do rebound dates. The last thing I will ever do is hurt a guy because I thought I was ready but wasn't. I'm very upfront about issues like that because I have no desire to waste anyone's time just so I can feel better. That's cruel and selfish.
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:20 AM GMT
    visastamp said
    MrFuscle saidI'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. A lot of guys tell me they think I'm still in life be with my ex because I generally bring him up on the first date. However the reason I bring him up is because I moved to Houston to be with him and then he dumped me 13 days before the move. I didn't feel there was enough time to change my plans so I moved and here I am. This is a city of transplants. Asking where you are from and why you are here is very common. I'm thinking of simply saying I'd rather not discuss it because people tend to make a bigger deal about it than I do. I feel that will only cause guys to become even more curious. I lied the first year I was here but that was out of shame. I'm no longer ashamed but tired of hearing the excuse you still love your ex.



    Well this sentence here, "A lot of guys tell me they think I'm still in life be with my ex because I generally bring him up on the first date," is grammatically incorrect. Read it carefully, rewrite it.

    :p


    Thanks but no thanks. If I start proof reading my post I get too obsessed with it. Ain't nobody got time for that lol.
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:22 AM GMT
    Wendigo9 saidThat's a rock in a hard place alright, in a strange way I find myself still in love and kinda yearning for my first love (who is still around but has a gf), but know I should be happy with the man I have now. We all do stupid things for people we think we love, but maybe you should try and get him out of your system then move on or move to where you feel more at home.


    I really planned on moving back home next year but I am over moving and economically Houston has more opportunity. If I ignore the gay community I actually like Houston. So I'll stay.
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    Dec 22, 2015 6:24 AM GMT
    anotherphil saidCall it a cosmic joke, or a twist of fate. Be vague and say you moved for a relationship that never materialized. Feign facetious surprise that anyone would move to Houston *except* to break up with their ex.

    Not great examples, but make it about you and your journey and what you found (or want to find) in Houston, not the who screwed you over. They're not asking you about him, they're asking about you.

    Oh, and don't call him by name or even by relationship (and limit the number of times you say "ex"). If you absolutely must mention him call him "dude" or "what's-his-name" or whatever your favorite dismissive placeholder is.


    If none of that sounds useful, try waiting to ask about them until after you've volunteered as much as you care to on the first pass. Save asking about where they come from to use as a diversion from your own story, perhaps?


    Just another possible take on what the others have already suggested. I'm not great at this myself, as you can tell. You'll figure it out one way or another.


    Wow you gave a lot of god advice. I'll definitely use some of it.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 22, 2015 6:52 AM GMT
    If some guy had done that to me you can bet I would totally block him out of my mind as if he had never existed. I'd even come up with a better reason as to why I had moved, like, I just thought it would be a great place to live. Besides, most people dont want to hear pity stories, they are too interested in their own lives. And telling them you thought it would be a great place to live, makes you sound more interesting and adventurous.
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    Dec 22, 2015 3:21 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk said... thought it would be a great place to live...
    they would know maybe possibly its a lie.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 22, 2015 4:20 PM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    Timbales saidI would say that you were in a relationship and planning the move together, and even though the relationship didn't work out, you were still excited about the move to Houston and making a change. You just didn't expect that much of a change and laugh about it.


    that would be a lie. Had he told me two weeks earlier I wouldn't have moved. While I have grown to like Houston. I still see the move as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Its not pretty and too conservative here.


    Why are you still there? You picked up and moved yourself once, why not do it again?

    If you're not happy and regret being there, it's going to carry through on your dates.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Dec 22, 2015 4:57 PM GMT
    Not sure just what it is you are trying to rephrase. If it is "Why did you move to Houston?" Just say "I thought I would like it here and I do."

    There is no reason you should mention your former relationship. It is none of anyone's business but yours. As a matter of fact, it is not a very good opener for a conversation.
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    Dec 22, 2015 5:24 PM GMT
    Timbales said
    MrFuscle said
    Timbales saidI would say that you were in a relationship and planning the move together, and even though the relationship didn't work out, you were still excited about the move to Houston and making a change. You just didn't expect that much of a change and laugh about it.


    that would be a lie. Had he told me two weeks earlier I wouldn't have moved. While I have grown to like Houston. I still see the move as one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Its not pretty and too conservative here.


    Why are you still there? You picked up and moved yourself once, why not do it again?

    If you're not happy and regret being there, it's going to carry through on your dates.


    I really planned on moving back home next year but I am over moving and economically Houston has more opportunity. If I ignore the gay community I actually like Houston. So I'll stay.
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    Dec 22, 2015 5:29 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidIf some guy had done that to me you can bet I would totally block him out of my mind as if he had never existed. I'd even come up with a better reason as to why I had moved, like, I just thought it would be a great place to live. Besides, most people dont want to hear pity stories, they are too interested in their own lives. And telling them you thought it would be a great place to live, makes you sound more interesting and adventurous.


    That would be a lie. I like Houston for the most part but didn't move here because its a great place to live, its not. People come here for work and its low cost of living. There is a reason Houstonians travel so much.
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    Dec 22, 2015 5:35 PM GMT
    LJay saidNot sure just what it is you are trying to rephrase. If it is "Why did you move to Houston?" Just say "I thought I would like it here and I do."

    There is no reason you should mention your former relationship. It is none of anyone's business but yours. As a matter of fact, it is not a very good opener for a conversation.


    Why exactly would I lie. I did not come here because I thought I would like it here. Its hard to tell someone that you moved from a humid tropical paradise to a ugly humid city because you thought you would like it. It really seems to upset guys that I don't have family here and I am getting tired of guys being upset about my life when I'm not. I know these guys are duds since no decent dude would do that. Its very irritating to have them ask question after question about a previous relationship simply because it was the genesis for me moving here. What I will not do is to lie simply to assuage any unfounded fear that they have based on their own previously failed relationships.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Dec 23, 2015 1:08 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said ...It really seems to upset guys that I don't have family here and I am getting tired of guys being upset about my life when I'm not. I know these guys are duds since no decent dude would do that...
    You are really grounded and have it together. So trust yourself a little more.

    There is a good guy or two out there for you. Just remember, like my hub says:

    Ya gotta kiss a lotta frogs to find a prince.


    Just try not to get warts, OK?
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    Dec 23, 2015 2:21 AM GMT
    If a lot of people are telling you you're still hung up on your ex they're probably right. There are ways of phrasing things that do not promote discussion. For example you could easily say "I moved here with a friend" or if you must be completely honest, just say "I moved here with my boyfriend but it didn't work out." And leave it at that. If they question you further just tell them you'd rather not get into it. End of story. You're going on and on about him because you're still into him. But you still need to get out there so just stop talking about him.
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    Dec 23, 2015 5:02 AM GMT
    Radd saidIf a lot of people are telling you you're still hung up on your ex they're probably right. There are ways of phrasing things that do not promote discussion. For example you could easily say "I moved here with a friend" or if you must be completely honest, just say "I moved here with my boyfriend but it didn't work out." And leave it at that. If they question you further just tell them you'd rather not get into it. End of story. You're going on and on about him because you're still into him. But you still need to get out there so just stop talking about him.


    You're wrong that I'm still into him. You don't even know me but whatever. Undercoverman brought up a good point and you reinforced it. I over share. I tend to give out way too much information that makes people think something is important that isn't. Its just the way my mind works. I'm not a linear thinker lol. I usually try to joke that I knew I was moving to the fourth largest city in America and not Oklahoma. It tends to work with straight people but gay guys still keep asking questions. Someone said he was important enough to move so I guess they think he might be important enough to go back to. I think I'll just try joke that I'd rather talk about the cutie in front of me and not focus on silly dead ends. I will never simply call him a friend. I really hate it when gay guys refer to their current or former partner in ways that remind me of the closet.