The 25-Year-Old Virgin (Me)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2015 3:03 PM GMT
    So, I'm 25, and I've never had sex or even kissed/made out with anyone (the only kiss I've ever gotten was earlier this year when I was drunk in a hotel room with my 2 female friends, and I was laying down and one of my friends climbed onto me and pecked me on the lips to say thank you for her birthday gift I had gotten her -__-). However, 2 years ago, I did hook up with a random guy from Grindr (BJ). I really don't feel like I am into the whole random hookup/one night stand thing, but I pressured myself into it because I felt like such a loser for being 23 years old at the time and having never done ANYTHING sexual with someone else. I was very nervous, it was kind of awkward for me, and I was just really uncomfortable since I didn't even know this guy's first name. I can't say I enjoyed it, and it even made me question if I was actually gay. There was also something that happened when I was a child with a male cousin of mine (no, I wasn't molested or raped) but I won't go there, because it's very complicated.

    I've posted a similar thread to this one on another forum, and people asked me to post my picture. When I did, they were kind of surprised because they said I was fairly good-looking and even accused me of lying/trolling.

    I had some setbacks in high school. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, and had to have 2 major surgeries, so I missed out on a lot during those crucial years - never went to any parties, sports events, etc. I also suffered from OCD and depression during that time. Basically had no friends until senior year when I was finally healthy, and then college came and I ended up commuting and transferring schools a bunch of times which didn't help my social life. I had friends and knew pretty much everyone in school, but just never hung out with anyone outside of school.

    I'm a fairly normal, outgoing guy. I had some social anxiety when I was a younger teen, but I'm pretty much over that now. I definitely wouldn't say I'm socially awkward. I still suffer from my OCD (and depression here and there), but I've finally started getting the appropriate treatment this year after struggling with this for 10+ years of my life.

    I don't want to make excuses, but I do feel like some of these factors contributed to the hindering of my growth and development in my sex/romantic life. I am very down on myself and it really hurts my self-esteem to know that I'm 25 and haven't experienced these things yet. I was talking to a straight friend last night (he's 29), and he told that he's had sex with probably around 30-40 different girls. When I compared myself to that, I felt like a loser, a freak, and like there is something really, really wrong with me. When I compare myself to other "normal" guys my age and the things they've experienced, and it makes me wonder if I'll ever experience any of these things. Basically, I almost feel as if I am defective/less of a human because I haven't had sex yet. I know that may sound a bit dramatic, but that's just how I feel.

    It's hard for me to go out and meet guys, because my few friends are always busy. I haven't had much success with online dating, obviously. I just don't know what to do and I'm starting to feel as if I should just accept that this is how my life has always been and probably how it always will be. icon_sad.gif
  • MarvinMartian

    Posts: 128

    Dec 23, 2015 3:27 PM GMT
    In my experience it is useless to compare yourself with other men your age. You are correct that you are quite attractive. You say you are over your social awkwardness. So really there's nothing to keep you from going out now to construct a social life. If you dislike "hooking up" (that dreadful term), then you should meet men the old-fashioned way: first by making friends in the gay world, then perhaps meeting their friends, etc. Eventually you will run across a man who intrigues you enough to date.

    Don't worry about sex. When you meet the man who impels you to feel like disrobing, you will disrobe. And nature will take its course.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 23, 2015 6:35 PM GMT
    Having read many of your posts, I've come to think you're your own worst enemy. A lot of guys would want to be with you or look like you, but you don't put your best foot forward. You use your worst pic as your main profile pic and then you always bash yourself. You're cute. You seem nice. You have a lot going for you, but you let it go to waste.
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    Dec 23, 2015 9:17 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidHaving read many of your posts, I've come to think you're your own worst enemy. A lot of guys would want to be with you or look like you, but you don't put your best foot forward. You use your worst pic as your main profile pic and then you always bash yourself. You're cute. You seem nice. You have a lot going for you, but you let it go to waste.


    I probably agree with you that I'm my own biggest critic. But in regards to my profile pic, my friends tell me it's their favorite pic of me. :-X
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 23, 2015 9:21 PM GMT
    ant811 said
    HottJoe saidHaving read many of your posts, I've come to think you're your own worst enemy. A lot of guys would want to be with you or look like you, but you don't put your best foot forward. You use your worst pic as your main profile pic and then you always bash yourself. You're cute. You seem nice. You have a lot going for you, but you let it go to waste.


    I probably agree with you that I'm my own biggest critic. But in regards to my profile pic, my friends tell me it's their favorite pic of me. :-X

    Most of your face is cropped out. Your best photo is the one of you with your dog.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2015 11:02 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    ant811 said
    HottJoe saidHaving read many of your posts, I've come to think you're your own worst enemy. A lot of guys would want to be with you or look like you, but you don't put your best foot forward. You use your worst pic as your main profile pic and then you always bash yourself. You're cute. You seem nice. You have a lot going for you, but you let it go to waste.


    I probably agree with you that I'm my own biggest critic. But in regards to my profile pic, my friends tell me it's their favorite pic of me. :-X

    Most of your face is cropped out. Your best photo is the one of you with your dog.


    For some reason my thumbnail always gets cropped.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 23, 2015 11:08 PM GMT
    I first got naked with a guy when I was 28. Me and my first boyfriend were both virgins and wow....what a feeling to finally be with a man, just the best in the world. Your instincts take over and everything just happens naturally. For years, I had seen guys muscles and buttocks and chest.....and now I was totally naked in bed with an excellent example of one. icon_smile.gif

    You have a big advantage being gay. First, you already know what makes a guy feel good. Second, many gay men do get a late start in life, so being a 25 or even 35 year old virgin is no big deal. Straight men will brag about their sexual exploits, just because it's a competitive thing. But gay men will admire a guy with the fortitude not to screw everything that comes his way.

    You must set sexual boundaries up front. You may want to date with no physical affection. Eventually, maybe you feel like holding his hand while watching a movie. This might take months, but the right guy will be patient with you. Lastly, it's important to be sexually compatible. Some men are rough while others are gentle. Some are tops, others are bottoms, some are both, and some don't like anal sex at all. So you'll eventually figure out what you like.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Dec 24, 2015 3:36 AM GMT
    Dude...You need to talk out the cousin situation with a trained professional..Sometimes those first encounters shape our eventual realities.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Dec 24, 2015 3:40 AM GMT
    Much of our life's destiny is heavily influenced by our environment.

    They say, for a reason, 'It is NOT ALL about you!'

    If you grew up in a sexually negative environment, and now compare yourself with the guys who have always had a very positive sexual attitude, you'd always be at a serious loss. There is no virtue in this.

    Remember that the present societal hetero norms would invariably lead to believe that m2m sex is just a sub variation of the default m2f sex. Nope. This simply, ain't true.

    m2m sexual relationships may function to the fullest satisfaction of the guys involved WITHOUT any romantic, emotional or even social reference. The key to understanding this phenomenon is some basic knowledge of the evolutionary theory, and as always, an open mind.

    Naturally, m2m sexual relationships can, and often do involve very deep emotional, romantic and social context. And, there is nothing wrong with it at all. This is, however, an option - not a must.

    Consider changing your attitude. If you insist on being your own sharpest critic, you are running too high a risk of slipping over the red line, and effectively turning into your worst enemy.

    Part with the notion that you should be receiving any societal or for that matter ANY approval for the pleasures you seek. Remember the saying, 'poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of the others.'

    Break free, go out, have fun. Make a few wins, learn how to take a rejection or two with an easy shrug of your shoulders, and grow up towards achieving your full potential.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2015 4:10 AM GMT
    You sound like you've been through a lot and yes it's all contributing to your self esteem issues. And I agree with MyBud that your first experience with your cousin needs to be addressed with a professional.

    But all that aside, you should never compare yourself with anyone because we are all on different paths. There is no magical age to have your first sexual experience and there is no right or wrong age for this to happen. Also, I think it's healthy that you're not into hookups. Most guys that hookup regularly have much deeper issues going on than you....ie, intimacy issues. Forcing yourself into having sex when you're not ready will only make you feel badly. It's like forcing yourself to eat when you're not hungry. Sex is best when there's a spark and a connection. Stop rushing yourself because you will eventually meet the right guy and when you do it will be like BAM! You'll know it!
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    Dec 24, 2015 8:41 AM GMT
    You're 25 and live close to NYC. There are probably 100,000 gay men near you. Time to go out and meet some. Forget about your childhood cousin experience. Literally, forget. It is in the past, and the past can't be changed.

    Find some organizations - (gay sports clubs?)that interest you and hang out there. There are groups/organizations for everything. Hell, there is probably even a gay flower arranging group in the greater NYC area. Or try Meetup.com

    Take the dog to a dog park where there are gay men with dogs.

    If you get into being with other people, you will meet people, and some of them (all of them?) could be gay. Eventually you will meet some single guys who will like you.

    Consider just building up your muscles and going on a gay cruise. You're bound to meet some guys.

    HOtjoe is right about the pic. At least you can crop your pic before posting, so the bottom half doesn't get cut off (Free simple photo-editing software like Irfanview.com)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2015 2:54 PM GMT
    As most have noted above, there's no mandatory sell-by date for your first sexual experience. Many of us are late bloomers for some of the reasons the OP describes -- social anxiety, lack of opportunities in high school to learn how to date, etc. But most of us manage to figure it out and make up for lost time.

    Like the OP, I didn't have m2m sex until 25. My first time was with some random guy picked up in a bar, and wasn't particularly intimate or rewarding. But it was emotionally significant in proving that the chains had at last been broken.
    I learned to enjoy meeting new people, figured out the basics of the dating game, and within 2 years found my first LTR.

    So cheer up, OP, you're not uniquely cursed, and not doomed to a celibate life, Unless that's what you want.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2015 3:03 PM GMT
    ok you are 25 year old virgin, like who cares? seriously? who? why are you even bothering with this mile long post about yourself that you are 25 and a virgin? Like who cares? better make me a sandwich
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 24, 2015 3:12 PM GMT

    Hey,


    How does your OCD manifest itself? In what ways does it make it harder for you to live a life closer to the one you want to be living? I of course, would ask the same question about your issues with depression.


    I have OCD among other issues, and I can say it made relationships so difficult that i am not sure how much i actually was seriously interested in having any. I never really put the two together, until i started looking into issues around self-sabotage and began to understand how much i was constantly undermining myself to avoid the stress of both physical and emotional intimacy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 24, 2015 7:42 PM GMT
    Save your money and hire a reputable sex surrogate from time to time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 25, 2015 3:51 PM GMT
    badbug said
    Hey,


    How does your OCD manifest itself? In what ways does it make it harder for you to live a life closer to the one you want to be living? I of course, would ask the same question about your issues with depression.


    I have OCD among other issues, and I can say it made relationships so difficult that i am not sure how much i actually was seriously interested in having any. I never really put the two together, until i started looking into issues around self-sabotage and began to understand how much i was constantly undermining myself to avoid the stress of both physical and emotional intimacy.



    MY OCD consists of many different things, but mainly unwanted thoughts and doing rituals or repeating/redoing things to "get rid" of them. I also am very indecisive and have a difficult time making decisions, ranging from which pair of socks I want to buy in the store to what I want to do with my life.
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Dec 25, 2015 4:09 PM GMT
    See a professional. I was very OCD before, but with treatment it is under control.
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    Dec 25, 2015 5:50 PM GMT
    Satisfying the basic needs in a situation that is bounded by some sort of respect + friendship. Think of the positive differences between a friendship but something not quite a relationship. but more than casual.

    Take your time, gay men are like one in twenty, a smaller than expected population but not hopeless. Find a gay men's music group, hiking, cooking, meetup.com You live in a nice area? so exploit this.

    No one is perfect so think of what you bring to the table when you meet someone.

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    Dec 27, 2015 10:25 PM GMT
    Thank you for making this thread because now I don't feel so alone. I am very much like you, I'm 25 and never experienced any of those things. In fact, I only came out to someone in real life this year.

    I know exactly how you feel: beating yourself up thinking you're not good enough like the other guys that brag about their sex lives. Like you, I don't think I'd like the random hook-ups, so I avoid them.

    What I mostly blame for me being like this is where I grew up. Super conservative and being gay or even talking about it would probably get me beaten or disowned or something equally horrible. That made me try to stay as far away from parties and dating (girls), coming up with excuses, to the point where I basically never did those things.

    Sometimes I feel like just accepting it, but I try to go out when I can. I have come to terms that it's not about the quantity of friends, but the quality. I have a handful of close friends who I have fun with. I know that I should be branching out more at this age and meeting lots of new people, but I'm OK with the friends I have. Meeting new people will help with my dating life (maybe), but I'm at a stage in my life where I'm focused on my schoolwork/career.

    If you ever want to talk more, feel free to message me man icon_smile.gif