Dating Someone in Law Enforcement

  • athlftlguy

    Posts: 26

    Feb 04, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    Curious as to whether anyone else out there has had similar experiences to share...

    (Once you get past all the obvious handcuff jokes)

    I found that my ex had the following attributes:
    - Tended to see the world in very 'black & white' terms, and was very opinionated about things
    - Often had anger issues or negative views towards certain aspects of the community or demographics
    - Tended to drink a lot (and to excess at times)...which inevitably impacted our relationship
    - Lacked patience...had anger management issues at times
    - Trended very heavily towards a conservative/Republican ideology (Another area of conflict in our relationship)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 04, 2009 9:00 PM GMT
    I had a friend in college who dated a police officer. I don't recall his politics, but the guy definitely had the same issues you describe. And when they broke up he exhibited a bit of stalker-ish behaviors. At least at the time my friend said he'd never date another cop.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:07 PM GMT
    Those attributes are exactly what I would expect of a cop, at least stereotypically. I personally couldn't manage a friendship if those attributes were incredibly obvious, as those qualities are definitely NOT what I look for in a friend even.

    But I have met some mad hot cops and they didn't seem to possess those qualities at all. They happened to be straight, but that's besides the point.

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    Feb 04, 2009 9:12 PM GMT
    Some people become cops because they have this ego trip that needs validated.

    I my self would love to be in law enforcement, Im not bias towards anyone and give everyone a chance.


    On the other hand because of the "bad cops" people hate all cops so assume they are all bad and test them. A stressful situation can lead to anger and drinking along with many issues.

    I dated a cop and he was totally low key.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:14 PM GMT
    My father and sister were both in law enforcement; one was a county cop and one a sheriff. I would NEVER date one. They tend to have personality traits that scare the shit out of me. There's nothing worse than a man with a God complex who carries a gun.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:16 PM GMT
    I dated a cop once, not very seriously so I can't answer this too in depth, but he didn't seem to fit any of the qualities except the heavy drinking. Other than that he was very well traveled and cultured and very laid back. Very open personality and not judgmental at all.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:40 PM GMT
    Funny, I just had lunch today with a senior official from the Broward County Sheriff's Office (BSO) here in Florida. Also happens to be "family" and a nicer person you wouldn't want to meet, with none of the negative traits listed in the OP. My only regret was that I declined to have a cocktail with lunch as I normally would, feeling a little guilty to drink in front of the "law" while riding my Vespa. LOL!

    I was also in military law enforcement, a former US Army Military Police Colonel. So I've seen that mentality the OP outlines, and in some ways the military variant can be even more extreme. I agree it does exist.

    Nevertheless I wasn't that way myself (I hope!), and I know cops, both straight & gay, who are very well-adjusted, not psychos at all. In fact, I consider cops to be heroes, along with other emergency responders like fire fighters. Yet I've also run into the psychos in law enforcement.

    So I think there may be a greater incidence within law enforcement of some of the personality traits listed in the OP (not sure about the drinking item). But it's like anything else when you have a BF: you evaluate him on his own terms. He either has the right stuff, or he doesn't. I wouldn't automatically rule out a guy just because he was in law enforcement.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    Yes and it was terrible! Way too controling...I don't like being told what to do.
    You have to ask me nicely and I'll do it.

  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 04, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    My ex was a special branch police officers. His job require him to be in tip top condition physically , carry gun (some night) and in a 24 hours on duty whenever a need arrive. One of the thing he like to do is to share his experience with me . Those talk about chasing criminal , arresting people sometimes is just to much for a non violent people like me. Once I was having dinner with him and realise he having a pistol under his shirt. We get into argument when he try to bring a pack of live bullet and those iron night stick into my house .

    You really have to understand their nature of the job in order to have a relationship with him. That including cancelling a date/plan at the last min due to some emergency order. They travel and go for training a lot leave you alone. I also have to be extremely secretive about our relationship to avoid anyone to know he is gay.
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    Feb 04, 2009 9:53 PM GMT
    I dated an ex-marine...

    Oh, dear god that was a mistake.

    I tend to believe in individuals and not masses, but that is one demographic I will never dabble in again. I found the same traits... and not to mention but some severe drug issues. His ex-military "buddies" seemed to be the same way.

    I can only hope they are just a bad representation presented to me.
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    Feb 04, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    Kind of sounds like Keith on Six Feet Under wasn't completely sterotypical.

    http://www.hbo.com/sixfeetunder/cast/characters/keith_charles.shtml

    keith-david3.jpg
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    Feb 04, 2009 11:22 PM GMT

    The Federal Agent (DEA/Fugitive Recovery)

    1) "Black & White"
    Issues, No. People Yes.
    People, but there were three very different categories *everyone* fit into
    - Civilians - "real" Law Enforcement - Ass hats who deserve to die
    2) Angry Biases
    Yes, he had some jaded notions about certain demographics
    3) Lacked Patience
    No, he actually was incredibly patient when he chose to be
    He had great anger management skills, but he also had/has more anger than anyone I've ever known. His ability to manage it was what I admired and loved the most.
    4) Ideaology
    Socially Liberal, Politically Conservative
    5) Drinking
    Clean and sober


    Police Officer
    1) "Black & White"
    Yes, all the way around. In or Out. Sex or Love. Virgin or Whore. Sober or Drunks.
    2) Angry Biases
    Yes, but he tried to hide it.
    3) Lacked Patience
    No patience and no patience for differences. He stalked me for a brief period.
    4) Ideaology
    Totally Conservative, but secretly a total sexual deviant who I think had emotional stability issues.
    5) Drinking
    Clean and Sober

    I'm very careful about the law enforcement officers I get involved with from my social and dating experiences, they tend to be men/women of polarities which I find frightening.

    That said, the DEA Agent/Fugitive Recovery man is still one of the loves of my life. I think he was atypical as he was highly educated with a PhD in Psychology and had an amazing insight into his own crazy behavior and tendencies.
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    Feb 04, 2009 11:33 PM GMT
    I grew up around cops... I don't think I could date one (But then I tend to criticize the system - just pick one - a little too much). I did date an ex-military guy for a number of years. Many of the things posted here were reminiscent of our time together.
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    Feb 04, 2009 11:34 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidThose talk about chasing criminal , arresting people sometimes is just to much for a non violent people like me. Once I was having dinner with him and realise he having a pistol under his shirt.


    I've had those same experiences, including how he took someone down or had to shoot or kill them with his hands/gun/weird object. He was very careful in how he framed and delivered his recaps, which I think is why it didn't bother me so much, he pretty much was always packing a gun. He was always hyper aware of our surroundings and taught me how to get free from all types of holds and break any combination of bones.

    That stuff didn't bother me, (some of it I actually think is HOT!) but it was the always on the go, never home, worrying that someday he would die while bringing in some drug lord that bothered me.
  • athlftlguy

    Posts: 26

    Feb 04, 2009 11:39 PM GMT
    Wow, obviously it's been reassuring to read some of these posts.
    I forgot to add that my ex also had some pretty deep insecurity issues, many of which you'd never guess (He is HOT). But it seems like he would always try to overcompensate with his supercharged authoritative cop knows best mentality.

    ...in his mind seems like he had a very specific mindset as to how and what our relationship was supposed to be like (again a major contributor to the demise of our relationship).

    Plus he's dating another cop now...hopefully that will work out for him (Wait, did I just say that??? lol. It's only been a few months since we split...but if this relationship really works for him, I really do want him to find what he's looking for).
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    Feb 05, 2009 12:14 AM GMT
    I dated an ex marine who had some of those traits.

    I started to get to know someone who's ex was a policeman and when he told me he was getting stalked by him and how I decided not to get involved.
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    Feb 05, 2009 1:15 AM GMT
    I dated a cop for almost two years and he would have anger issues but only if he had a bad experience, ie shooting someone, but he definitely drunk a lot, and was cocky and arrogant, was a smart ass, and when I broke up with him totally turned into a stalker, nailed my cat through the throat to my front door. But on the other hand, I've dated some really nice guys who were cops too. Only guys I've completely sworn off are bi-guys and military guys.
  • athlftlguy

    Posts: 26

    Feb 05, 2009 1:23 AM GMT
    Ummm....DUDE..."nailed your cat through the throat " to your front door?!?
    Glad I didn't have any stalking incidents to deal with (Not yet anyways...'knock on wood')
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    Feb 05, 2009 1:32 AM GMT
    luvjunkie saidnailed my cat through the throat to my front door.


    That's so fucked up, I don't even know where to begin
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    Feb 05, 2009 1:47 AM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    luvjunkie saidnailed my cat through the throat to my front door.


    That's so fucked up, I don't even know where to begin


    Well I tried a restraining order, but in the great state of Mississippi until you're 21 a parent or legal guardian must sign a restraining order and since I was 19 at the time it was worthless.
    It makes me feel so much safer to know he's in Iraq right now protecting our country.
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    Feb 05, 2009 2:09 AM GMT
    luvjunkie saidI dated a cop for almost two years and he would have anger issues but only if he had a bad experience, ie shooting someone, but he definitely drunk a lot, and was cocky and arrogant, was a smart ass, and when I broke up with him totally turned into a stalker, nailed my cat through the throat to my front door. But on the other hand, I've dated some really nice guys who were cops too. Only guys I've completely sworn off are bi-guys and military guys.


    If you intended to start a flame war, it worked. This whole post is one big fail. Think about it. Cops are okay because only one went psychopathic on you in one of the worst possible ways, yet you've completely sworn off bi and military guys? So, can I assume that you've completely sworn off bi guys and military guys because a group of them gang raped your mother and murdered your father? Jesus, your priorities are fucked.
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    Feb 05, 2009 2:40 AM GMT
    Tapper,

    How is this a flame war? He is just sharing his expeirence. I don't get it.
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    Feb 05, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    I dunno. I think everything that was described here is partly true, and partly bad luck. Obviously some of you have dated some real psychos. But I'd say it's unfair to write off all cops and military guys as bad people.

    They have high stress jobs and usually have to compromise their personal lives to fulfill their job obligations. It can definitely put a strain on a relationship. Some guys have the patience for it, and some don't.
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    Feb 07, 2009 4:24 AM GMT
    Cops are hot, cops with mustaches are bonerific.
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    Feb 07, 2009 4:29 AM GMT
    athlftlguy saidCurious as to whether anyone else out there has had similar experiences to share...

    (Once you get past all the obvious handcuff jokes)

    I found that my ex had the following attributes:
    - Tended to see the world in very 'black & white' terms, and was very opinionated about things
    - Often had anger issues or negative views towards certain aspects of the community or demographics
    - Tended to drink a lot (and to excess at times)...which inevitably impacted our relationship
    - Lacked patience...had anger management issues at times
    - Trended very heavily towards a conservative/Republican ideology (Another area of conflict in our relationship)


    You've described my former partner to a T, save for the fact he was sober. His impatience and impudence astounded me. The only reason I grudgingly allowed the conservatism to slide was that gay marriage is already legal here..