Fitness & Relationships


  • Dec 26, 2015 6:48 AM GMT
    For those of you who make physical fitness a fundamental aspect of your lives, how important to you is it that a potential mate who you'd consider dating also be in shape?

    I've never been fit, but, ever since I came out, have always idolized, fantasized about, and yearned for muscular/athletic or men in are in much better shape than I am.

    The gym has always intimidated me. And, for many years, I've convinced myself that the gym is a "jock's" realm; I was a nerd and didn't belong there.

    But, I'm realizing now that these limitations have been imposed by no one else but myself.

    However, I've also noticed that, even as I've become more confidant with maturity, no matter how charming or genuine I attempt to be with my personality, the physically fit men that I am attracted to never pay me the time of day. (Another important side-note is that I'm 25, still live at home, and have never had a boyfriend)

    I understand men are visual creatures. I'm not obese, but I am not in the best shape I could be. I have man-boobs, I pot-belly, and most recently, have gained a double chin.

    People tell me that I'm attractive and that I have a great personality. But gay men want more than just a cute face, they want the whole package.

    I've recently joined a gym, but haven't attended yet, because I continue to allow fear to hold me back.

    Although I'm certain I already know the answer: Am I delusional to expect to appeal to men who are physically fit, and make efforts to integrate fitness into their daily lives, when I do nothing to do the same for myself?

    Would appreciate any wisdom and insight that can be offered. Please feel free to be brutally honest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2015 12:39 PM GMT
    You might be being slightly hypercritical here, and not only of yourself. For one I am a gay man, and never once held a man's physique at such a high standard. If you do not have interest in tackling the gym, and are comfortable in your skin still. There shouldn't be much need to fret.

    However, I believe it's a matter of exuding confidence, honesty, and direction. I believe those three qualities are important to finding a guy who'd consider establishing a relationship with you. But at the same time, you might need to think more on the type of guy you wish to reel in. Its typical behavior, for men and women to sometimes include hobbies or passions such as Health & Fitness to their list of preferences.

    With that said, you might need to compromise on what you are willing to do and not do, if you wish to rope in the guy your heart or penis is pulling you to. Oh yeah, also don't presume that you'll never have to initiate the first move. The guy you are looking at May have noticed you, but lacks the wherewithal to act on it.

    Not sure if any of this is helpful, but I wish you the best.
  • IgnatiusReill...

    Posts: 158

    Dec 26, 2015 5:14 PM GMT
    Your focus should be on regaining a fit body. Why should you do this for yourself? (Notice, for yourself) Because overweight men and women will suffer from a litany of maladies later in life; diabetes, heart disease, joint pain, prostate trouble (men only), pulmonary issues. You have to decide to do this for you; not to impress someone at the gym. If someone is only interested in your body, he is not worth your interest. You have a gym membership, start using it and get fit and healthy. You will feel better about yourself mentally and physically. Fitness is a gradual process. You might find it helpful to engage the assistance of a trainer at your gym. He/she will help you become familiar with the use of the equipment and give you tips about what routines will be most helpful for you.
    Be cordial with the people at your gym. A simple greeting such as good morning or good afternoon is all that is needed. Most people don't want to engage in conversations while on the gym floor since they are at the gym for a specific purpose; to exercise.
    Now, get going, pack your gym bag, and head to the gym for a serious workout! Cheers!
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Dec 26, 2015 5:25 PM GMT
    It is pretty safe to assume that 'birds of the feather flock together'. True, few rules in this life are absolute but as your experience shows, the default does work pretty well, doesn't it?

    Many ripped guys out there know that NOT everyone can or will ever get as far as to match their shape. Every guy is a story to himself. And everyone has got his own reasons, legitimate or not. But hardly anyone wishes to be shortchanged on the dating market.

    A non-ripped dude who wants to date a ripped guy, half of the gym is drooling over has got to put something else of substantial value on the table to offset the obvious imbalance. Sorry for being rather brutal about this but this is how the game usually works.

    Now, I have come across a few pretty wise and successful men over the time. Practically every single one of them have agreed that every man/woman has his/her price. It is a very common mistake to assume that everyone's price is money alone.

    Think it over, and come up with a good plan how to get who you want!

    SC
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    Dec 26, 2015 7:06 PM GMT
    IgnatiusReilly said... Your focus should be on regaining a fit body. Why should you do this for yourself?... A simple greeting such as good morning or good afternoon is all that is needed. Most people don't want to engage in conversations while on the gym floor since they are at the gym for a specific purpose; to exercise...
    +1

    -talk with the gym and get an idea when they are not that busy.
    -go there in street cloths and make an appointment with a trainer that you think would work for you. Be selective who you pick.
    -load up your iTunes
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Dec 26, 2015 7:52 PM GMT
    The first time I went to a gym I was exceedingly uncomfortable and was afraid that I'd be judged for being to weak. I was not judged and no one ever did anything to make me feel uncomfortable. That was way back in 1961.

    Now there are more people than ever joining gyms. Many of them are extremely overweight yet that does not keep them from working out in gymnasia. Your fears are irrational, but obviously they are still real.

    I suggest completely ignoring your fears and start working out in spite of them. You will find that before you even finish your first workout you won't even be thinking about your fears.

    A friend of mine was significantly overweight and began to experience symptoms because of it. High school physical education and been traumatic for him and for that reason the idea of going to a gym was very frightening for him. However, once he started, his fears evaporated; so will yours. He looks much better now too.

    The fear of gyms is an essential theme in the advertisements for Planet Fitness; they even invented the word "gymtimidation", so obviously you have plenty of company.

    A good physical trainer can get you started with minimal trauma.
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    Dec 26, 2015 10:51 PM GMT
    RebelHeart31690 saidPeople tell me that I'm attractive and that I have a great personality. But gay men I want more than just a cute face, they I want the whole package.


    Fixed it for ya.

    Let's take a quick look at your stats... 1.75m 82kg... that puts you in the mesomorph category. With your height and initial weight a mere 2 to 3 years of a clean diet and training will change you completely. No 15 years of hard work needed for you. No need to learn proper form or even how to have a perfect diet. A so-so training and diet will change you completely in 2 to 3 years. More than enough to attract the muscular ones in your "facial league" so to speak...

    ... yet you drag your feet. Did you ever read the tortoise and the hare? You are the hare.
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    Dec 27, 2015 1:36 AM GMT
    bachian said
    RebelHeart31690 saidPeople tell me that I'm attractive and that I have a great personality. But gay men I want more than just a cute face, they I want the whole package.


    Fixed it for ya.

    Let's take a quick look at your stats... 1.75m 82kg... that puts you in the mesomorph category. With your height and initial weight a mere 2 to 3 years of a clean diet and training will change you completely. No 15 years of hard work needed for you. No need to learn proper form or even how to have a perfect diet. A so-so training and diet will change you completely in 2 to 3 years. More than enough to attract the muscular ones in your "facial league" so to speak...

    ... yet you drag your feet. Did you ever read the tortoise and the hare? You are the hare.


    Maybe he doesnt have the time and money required to meal prep?
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    Dec 27, 2015 2:47 AM GMT
    ^

    He won't need a perfect diet and training to look muscular. He's starting from a great position.
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    Dec 27, 2015 3:31 AM GMT
    Fitness is not supposed to be exceptional; it is the natural norm. Humans are naturally lean and muscular . Engaging in unnatural behavior( sitting in a chair or sofa all day ) and eating artificial crap creates abnormal unhealthy bodies. You don't need gyms or equipment to get in shape.

    Coupled with the Paleo diet we are talking months not years. Army boot camp whips guys into shape in 3 months.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Dec 27, 2015 8:46 AM GMT
    bachian said
    RebelHeart31690 saidPeople tell me that I'm attractive and that I have a great personality. But gay men I want more than just a cute face, they I want the whole package.


    Fixed it for ya.

    Let's take a quick look at your stats... 1.75m 82kg... that puts you in the mesomorph category. With your height and initial weight a mere 2 to 3 years of a clean diet and training will change you completely. No 15 years of hard work needed for you. No need to learn proper form or even how to have a perfect diet. A so-so training and diet will change you completely in 2 to 3 years. More than enough to attract the muscular ones in your "facial league" so to speak...

    ... yet you drag your feet. Did you ever read the tortoise and the hare? You are the hare.


    First of all. Let me say I started lifti g at the end of 2008 too and I still haven't group n for shit. While admirable, your progress pics depressed the shit out of me. I'm fatter than in my pics now, am 5'9" 188 lbs with some muscle. What do you think k it would take for me to make decent progress like you?
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    Dec 27, 2015 9:14 AM GMT
    You can lose 5 lbs of fat a week on Palo diet. No one believes it, even when clothes don't fit anymore. When friends tell me their scale is no
    longer working around the 4th week you realize how emotionally attached people are to their fat body image. When they can no longer explain away their fat loss as water weight loss they freak out because they see that without fat they are nothing but skin and bones since their muscle to fat ratio has changed signicantly since they were at their natural youthful weight.,
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    Dec 27, 2015 9:23 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidYou can lose 5 lbs of fat a week on Palo diet. No one believes it, even when clothes don't fit anymore. When friends tell me their scale is no
    longer working around the 4th week you realize how emotionally attached people are to their fat body image. When they can no longer explain away their fat loss as water weight loss they freak out because they see that without fat they are nothing but skin and bones since their muscle to fat ratio has changed signicantly since they were at their natural youthful weight.,


    I hear ya, but I'm mainly focusing on gainig muscle mass.So I just need steady, daily cardio but need calorie surplus
  • Silverlakr

    Posts: 31

    Dec 27, 2015 8:31 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidFitness is not supposed to be exceptional; it is the natural norm. Humans are naturally lean and muscular . Engaging in unnatural behavior( sitting in a chair or sofa all day ) and eating artificial crap creates abnormal unhealthy bodies. You don't need gyms or equipment to get in shape.

    Coupled with the Paleo diet we are talking months not years. Army boot camp whips guys into shape in 3 months.


    Very true. Just look at animals in nature, deer or horses. They are lean and wonderful. That's what humans are supposed to be...
  • IgnatiusReill...

    Posts: 158

    Dec 27, 2015 11:42 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidFitness is not supposed to be exceptional; it is the natural norm. Humans are naturally lean and muscular . Engaging in unnatural behavior( sitting in a chair or sofa all day ) and eating artificial crap creates abnormal unhealthy bodies. You don't need gyms or equipment to get in shape.

    Coupled with the Paleo diet we are talking months not years. Army boot camp whips guys into shape in 3 months.


    True. I have always had a healthy diet and consequently I have always been lean. I began an exercise program about 10 years ago to increase muscle mass and strengthen my core in order to stabilize my spine, relieving to some degree chronic back pain. It has worked very well.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Dec 28, 2015 12:31 AM GMT
    crystalballer said
    bachian said
    RebelHeart31690 saidPeople tell me that I'm attractive and that I have a great personality. But gay men I want more than just a cute face, they I want the whole package.


    Fixed it for ya.

    Let's take a quick look at your stats... 1.75m 82kg... that puts you in the mesomorph category. With your height and initial weight a mere 2 to 3 years of a clean diet and training will change you completely. No 15 years of hard work needed for you. No need to learn proper form or even how to have a perfect diet. A so-so training and diet will change you completely in 2 to 3 years. More than enough to attract the muscular ones in your "facial league" so to speak...

    ... yet you drag your feet. Did you ever read the tortoise and the hare? You are the hare.


    Maybe he doesnt have the time and money required to meal prep?


    It can take less than 1/2 hour to prepare meals which are nutritionally adequate. It need not be expensive either.
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    Dec 28, 2015 1:23 AM GMT
    RPGFanatic saidYou might be being slightly hypercritical here, and not only of yourself. For one I am a gay man, and never once held a man's physique at such a high standard. If you do not have interest in tackling the gym, and are comfortable in your skin still. There shouldn't be much need to fret.

    However, I believe it's a matter of exuding confidence, honesty, and direction. I believe those three qualities are important to finding a guy who'd consider establishing a relationship with you. But at the same time, you might need to think more on the type of guy you wish to reel in. Its typical behavior, for men and women to sometimes include hobbies or passions such as Health & Fitness to their list of preferences.

    With that said, you might need to compromise on what you are willing to do and not do, if you wish to rope in the guy your heart or penis is pulling you to. Oh yeah, also don't presume that you'll never have to initiate the first move. The guy you are looking at May have noticed you, but lacks the wherewithal to act on it.

    Not sure if any of this is helpful, but I wish you the best.


    this pretty much sums it up.

    I personally prefer a guys who has some health/fitness oriented activities. however, preference does not equate prerequisite. if the personality and intellect are there the physical side can be overlooked to some degree.

    If a guy is morbidly obese or severely underweight, there leaves too many potential health concerns which has a significant affect on physical independence and lifespan. and I can't be with anyone who doesn't have the drive/will to be capable of doing things himself or living a long and fulfilling life that we can share together. (of course extreme situations that are out of one's control may occur and exceptions are made accordingly)

    in short, i'd like a guy to at least meet me in the middle. don't necessarily have to have the ultimate beach body, but at least try to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle.
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    Dec 28, 2015 1:46 AM GMT
    Just go to the gym and be consistent with it. Work hard, rest and watch what you eat. When you feel like giving up, give up on giving up and keep going. Are some people watching and judging you, yes a few are. Unless you are already in shape most won't even notice you. Word of advice, choose your gym partners carefully if you go that route. You'll find hundreds of people looking for a gym partner who will then not show up for any and every reason. Then when you are making progress they will try to bring you down.
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    Dec 28, 2015 4:25 AM GMT
    RebelHeart31690 said

    Although I'm certain I already know the answer: Am I delusional to expect to appeal to men who are physically fit, and make efforts to integrate fitness into their daily lives, when I do nothing to do the same for myself?

    Would appreciate any wisdom and insight that can be offered. Please feel free to be brutally honest.

    No ones' said it yet??? I would say you are delusional to expect the types of men you are attracted to if you won't put any effort into yourself. Most of those types take care of themselves. Why would they put all that work into looking/feeling good if their mate won't put in the same effort? I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "you attract what you put out?"

  • Dec 28, 2015 12:47 PM GMT
    RPGFanatic said
    However, I believe it's a matter of exuding confidence, honesty, and direction. I believe those three qualities are important to finding a guy who'd consider establishing a relationship with you. But at the same time, you might need to think more on the type of guy you wish to reel in. Its typical behavior, for men and women to sometimes include hobbies or passions such as Health & Fitness to their list of preferences.

    With that said, you might need to compromise on what you are willing to do and not do, if you wish to rope in the guy your heart or penis is pulling you to. Oh yeah, also don't presume that you'll never have to initiate the first move. The guy you are looking at May have noticed you, but lacks the wherewithal to act on it.


    Thanks RPGFanatic, I do understand that confidence is crucial. Also, I'm aware of the types of guys I'm attracted to in terms of personality -- am generally drawn to more intellectual, adventurous, traveled men. The issue is that I need to hold up my end of the bargain.

    And yes, I may need to be more forthright in approaching men. I'm an introvert naturally, so I already come off externally as being standoffish, when I'm really just more reserved. Therefore, situations will necessitate that I usually should make the first move.

  • Dec 28, 2015 12:50 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said
    A non-ripped dude who wants to date a ripped guy, half of the gym is drooling over has got to put something else of substantial value on the table to offset the obvious imbalance. Sorry for being rather brutal about this but this is how the game usually works.

    Now, I have come across a few pretty wise and successful men over the time. Practically every single one of them have agreed that every man/woman has his/her price. It is a very common mistake to assume that everyone's price is money alone.

    Think it over, and come up with a good plan how to get who you want!

    SC


    Thanks for your honest and succinct take, SilverRRCloud! Describing the situation in terms of "balance" is something that's run through my head often. I'm an adherent of the law of attraction. So, essentially, when analyzed in terms of energy it all makes sense -- why would a guy who's expending daily amounts of energy toward the effort of staying physically fit feel cohesive or harmonious being in a relationship with another man who didn't expend the same efforts?
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Dec 29, 2015 2:48 AM GMT
    I can understand your situation OP (only difference is I'm on the leaner spectrum) but I know how hard it is to deal with being attracted to guys who generally won't find you attractive no matter your personality.

    I have to mirror what the others said that you should try to start exercising and lose some weight as you will feel better. And contrary to popular belief, you don't need to join a gym to get in shape. I haven't joined a gym yet and have been building my body up with bodyweight exercises. Push ups, squats, lunges, leg lifts, and many other bodyweight exercises can relatively go a long way than not doing anything at all.

    You just have to pick a few days to do them and stay consistent. I initially started at 113-115 lbs and as I stuck with my routine, I'm not around 125-129 (Ii did get at 135 at one point). My point is, being a bit active is better than nothing if it's something you care about.

    Also to add, once you get used to healthy alternatives to junk food, it can be pretty body stimulating as well.

    Yes, there are some muscular men who like guys their opposites. I've read ads online of muscular guys looking for husky bears and that kind of build is vastly different from a body like theirs. So it does happen but it's not the majority unfortunately.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Dec 29, 2015 3:17 PM GMT
    Feel the fear and do it anyway. It may be helpful to invest in some sessions with a personal trainer so you can start learning your way around the gym. Also if they're offered; classes are great and can help make exercise fun.
    Also, and I wish I would have learned this when I was 25, don't waste time pining after guys who aren't into you. Enjoy looking at them, lust at them, use them as motivation/masturbation material, but don't base your worth on how they respond to you.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Dec 30, 2015 4:35 AM GMT
    Fear is the mindset that breeds inaction. You're a paid member of a gym for a reason, realize your physical fitness potential by actually going. I think you feel others will judge you. The reality? Most are so engrossed in their workout routines to care less about what you're doing. If you're unsure about some of the equipment ask the front desk personnel at the gym for an equipment orientation. Lastly, diet plays a huge part in achieving a desired fit body. Be mindful of your caloric intake and seek professional help in this area if needed...All the best.
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    Jan 25, 2016 8:06 PM GMT
    mybud saidFear is the mindset that breeds inaction.

    Love this.