Dating, but not exclusive... How much info should you share if any?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2015 6:50 PM GMT
    I have gone out on multiple dates with a couple guys. We're taking things slow with no romantic expectations at all. With each dude we've agreed to try to get to know each other as friends with some fun along the way. But we also have each made a point of saying that there could be more for us down the road since we're pretty compatible. Is it ok to mention about dates I'm going on?

    I say this because it feels weird to be vague and say "I have plans" versus telling the guy that I'm hanging out with another guy. But it also feels rude to tell a guy that I can't hang with him because of a competing guy. There are some cases where I would invite my date to hang out with friends but I wouldn't introduce him to other guys I'm dating. Plus I assume these guys are dating/messing around with guys themselves. Opinions?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2015 6:55 PM GMT
    Err on the side of the truth. I think you're diplomatic enough to do that without coming off as being blatantly rude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2015 7:02 PM GMT
    wast of time, use grinder
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Dec 27, 2015 7:12 PM GMT
    I've been in this situation before. One minute you're dating no-one then three guys come along and you want to take the time to get to know them.

    As long as you let them know you are dating other people I don't think you need to let them know the specifics, it will make them insecure.
    If I'm dating someone and they are going on multiple dates I really don't want to know the details. I just want to know where I stand.

    I don't think this style of dating is worth prolonging for more than a couple of months. I think you can make a decision fairly quickly unless you are looking for a polyamouros type thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 27, 2015 7:13 PM GMT
    woodfordr saidI have gone out on multiple dates with a couple guys. We're taking things slow with no romantic expectations at all. With each dude we've agreed to try to get to know each other as friends with some fun along the way. But we also have each made a point of saying that there could be more for us down the road since we're pretty compatible. Is it ok to mention about dates I'm going on?

    I say this because it feels weird to be vague and say "I have plans" versus telling the guy that I'm hanging out with another guy. But it also feels rude to tell a guy that I can't hang with him because of a competing guy. There are some cases where I would invite my date to hang out with friends but I wouldn't introduce him to other guys I'm dating. Plus I assume these guys are dating/messing around with guys themselves. Opinions?


    Would you prefer it if the other guys said he couldn't go out with you at a certain time because he was going on another date or if he simply said he had plans and he'll meet up with you at some other time. I don't personally don't see the point int in being so specific since saying, "I have plans is an honest answer."

    At first you make it seem like there is no competition. You are just friends hanging out with the possibility of something more down the line. I'm not sure where the idea of competition comes from at all in that kind of scenario.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2015 12:24 AM GMT
    Bonifacius saidcheater, just a sleazy dishonest opportunist
    no wonder gay scene seems like shit, it's thanks to people like you, i hope you will be cheated in your life same as you being dishonest to those people


    Explain how cheating works when you're not in a relationship? And specifically, what am I being "dishonest" about? You seem angry enough, so maybe you have a perspective I'm missing?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 28, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    I would not say you are going on a date with someone else, just that you already have plans. There's a difference between knowing you aren't exclusive with someone and hearing about their other dates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2015 12:29 AM GMT
    Fireworkz saidI've been in this situation before. One minute you're dating no-one then three guys come along and you want to take the time to get to know them.

    As long as you let them know you are dating other people I don't think you need to let them know the specifics, it will make them insecure.
    If I'm dating someone and they are going on multiple dates I really don't want to know the details. I just want to know where I stand.

    I don't think this style of dating is worth prolonging for more than a couple of months. I think you can make a decision fairly quickly unless you are looking for a polyamouros type thing.


    This makes total sense and is pretty much the situation I'm in. Thanks.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Dec 28, 2015 12:52 AM GMT
    Interesting dilemma, if we are being honest we have all been there, coming across more then one guy we are interested at the same time. One thing you have to understand, unless you are being above board with both of them they may find out about each other in a way you may not be prepared for. Sounds like your being very realistic about your dating life which is good, but we also being men, we can become territorial after a few dates and feel as we are the only guy that your are dealing with especially if sex is involved and doubly so if the sex is good lol! Go with your gut on this one, do what's right for you but remember other people are involved. Would love an update after you make a decision.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Dec 28, 2015 5:02 AM GMT
    This all may be a cultural trait to a degree but quite a few dudes living in big cities make a significant difference between 'dating' and 'exclusive dating'.

    Once you meet a dude for more than say, a couple of times for the movies, dinners, trips, and possibly some fun afterwards, both of you are likely to assume that well, you are 'dating'. This does not go on to say that you are 'dating exclusively' unless specified. It is up to both of you to determine how soon you may want to go territorial on each other, and demand exclusivity. A few factors may be playing important roles here. It is usually not just what you and your date want alone...

    Should the 'other dudes?' question pop up, you want to be truthful but it hardly makes any sense to go into any greater detail here. You are dating non-exclusively. You are NOT an item, and no one should really expect that they should be controlling your schedule. You are having no such expectations either. There is no reason to go on sharing detailed information here. Other guys are other guys. They are giving you their time and their trust to a degree. It is not really up to you to go around, spreading the word, is it?

    There is nothing inherently dishonest, immoral or even simply wrong with dating multiple people in the aforementioned context. We are all free folks, and we should be perfectly free to explore the options we have at any time. If anyone wishes to go totally exclusive after or even before one/first date, well, he is perfectly free to say so, and call his shots, too!

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2015 6:25 AM GMT
    I found myself in this situation. I've never dated before and a few weeks ago I had my first date with a great guy. We haven't decided on a second date, but recently I've been getting attention from other guys and wanting to go on a date with me. Since this is new to me I turned them down. I think it all depends on your moral conduct. The way I see it is if I'm going to date you, is because I see something that might flourish into something bigger, not to keep my options open. I understand that the guy I had a first date with might be dating others and that is fine. I might be foolish for doing this, but I'm looking for a strong connection and I felt that with this guy when I met him and when I went on the date and I rather pursue this than other guys who I don't get that same spark. Does that make sense?
  • christastic

    Posts: 375

    Dec 28, 2015 7:46 AM GMT
    Unless you both agree to be casual and knowingly accept the health risks that come with that, if a relationship begins to involve "fun", why would anyone expect any less than exclusivity by that point?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 28, 2015 8:39 AM GMT
    I think it depends on how much you like the guy in question or him liking you back. Hate to state the obvious, because if you go on dates with 1 guy, if he's not the one or bore you, then you wouldn't go on other dates with other guys. Some guys don't like men who date multiple people, well, unless you let him know before hand. I mean, I always date one on one and not multiple, I think your approach may turn off potential good guys suitors.

  • MarvelBoy23

    Posts: 279

    Dec 28, 2015 5:49 PM GMT
    If you're just dating, there's no need to share any kind of details with the other guys. No one wants to hear about their competition, and you may come off as a little pretentious! It's been a LONG time since I've dated (was w my partner 11.5 years) and I've recently started again. I am currently dating 2 guys, both are nice guys with good careers, but I feel like having somewhat recently gotten out of this LTR, that I don't need anything too serious just yet, and finding someone who is appropriately fitting for me this round is incredibly important after how badly my last crashed and burned. Each person will have to decide what they feel comfortable with. Having said that, I think both these guys are a good catch, and I can see them both leading somewhere, which opens up a whole other can of worms, on how long to keep this up without becoming too emotionally invested in any of the guys you date, essentially making it harder to make a decision!
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Dec 28, 2015 6:06 PM GMT
    Its common to keep your options open. I think as long as you make it clear that you're dating, not dating exclusively, then you don't need to go into detail.

    It's fairly normal to date casually for a variety of reasons (not wanting commitment, no time for something more serious, not sure about the guy, etc), but the important thing is honesty and respect in that situation.. Don't do something that diminishes the person, such as making them feel insecure, jealous or worse. You don't need to go into detail about your other dates, just say you have plans.

    The fact that you're even asking the question means you're not likely to have problems and you're thoughtful about others. I will say though, some people get attached faster than others so be aware that you, or someone else, may end up feeling jealous or uncomfortable. If that happens, you'll need to make a decision about what to do next.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 680

    Dec 28, 2015 11:17 PM GMT
    christastic saidUnless you both agree to be casual and knowingly accept the health risks that come with that, if a relationship begins to involve "fun", why would anyone expect any less than exclusivity by that point?


    +1

    I totally understand going on dates with more than one guy, as I have myself, but there's no excuse for having sex with multiple partners while keeping each partner in the dark about the others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 29, 2015 2:34 AM GMT
    Ok, I'll say this up front. I am old fashion. I have been in similar situation. The men I was dating I let them know by stating the truth- I am dating another person and it is strictly platonic. I also tell them IF the moment arrives that I will be intimate, I'll let them know. 1st time that happen, the other person appreciated honesty and we cooled off. The 2nd time that happen The person said ok. It really depends on the honesty and the other person level of maturity and acceptance.
  • NeuralShock

    Posts: 411

    Dec 30, 2015 2:33 AM GMT
    If I am going to date a guy I will make sure that I authentically see potential in him, and that if we commit that I will be happy. If I don't see that potential.... I will be, and always will continue to be, honest with him and tell him that I don't see a future. I'm not into the whole "I gotta be dating some guy oh em gee" mentality, if it won't work I strongly prefer being single.

    Point is, if I feel that things won't work out-- I won't commit. And I will let him know this. I am not going to string a guy along who is my second pick that I know will lead me to be jealous later. I don't have the time or energy for that.

    And if that makes him mad, well, says more about his character. Though I notice a lot of guys appreciate the honesty, and I've been given kudos more often than not because they weren't strung along across our 5+ "hang outs" with eachother.

    How I work is that if I see potential in someone then I will stick to them. I basically shut down my apps on my phone and dating websites and just have that one person as "my guy" even if he doesn't think of himself was wanting to be exclusive with me.

    That doesn't mean however I "expect" anything romantic, but on the other hand if I am on a dating website then I prettymuch am there for that. Friends are nice, but we'd better share something in common-- I personally don't buy into the whole "Wow you're super attractive! WOW! Let's be BEST FRIENDS" mentality that seems so pervasive in the gay community. Do they play video games? Do they work out and have interest in working out together? Do they find network security, AI, etc interesting? Can they even tell me what a scsi adapter is? If I am getting a friend, they'd best share interests with me because otherwise it won't be a friendship.

    Mindyou this hardly incorporates other aspects such as if I find out he doesn't have a stable career going for him I will immediately dump him, or if he is poor with money I will also have to leave him, and other such things.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3515

    Dec 30, 2015 3:15 AM GMT
    Just saying "im whoring around til i change my facebook status" solves a lot of problems, and has no details.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Dec 30, 2015 3:26 AM GMT
    Going on dates or dating? To me those don't mean the same thing. If you're dating a guy, I don't see the need to still go on dates with other guys. If you're just going on dates with different guys, then have at it. icon_smile.gif


  • christastic

    Posts: 375

    Jan 21, 2016 6:24 AM GMT
    highforthis said
    christastic saidUnless you both agree to be casual and knowingly accept the health risks that come with that, if a relationship begins to involve "fun", why would anyone expect any less than exclusivity by that point?


    +1

    I totally understand going on dates with more than one guy, as I have myself, but there's no excuse for having sex with multiple partners while keeping each partner in the dark about the others.


    I really think this should be common sense...