Boyfriend's friends causing issues for me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 29, 2015 11:52 PM GMT
    Hi, I've been dating a guy for a few months and he's wonderful in every way and we get along really well together.
    The issue is that he is too involved in his friend's lives and their small friend group. Most things in his life first have to be filtered through them FIRST to make sure he's available for dates or spending time together, otherwise, he and I are spending time with THEM and where THEY want to go.

    It's ridiculous because we're both in our early thirties and the friends are nearing our age too. I think to be this close to friends (even if they have been friends for many years) is odd and not a healthy way to build your own life and hold a relationship.

    Also, let me add that the consideration he has for them is NOT shown to him by them. They do their own thing and seemingly couldn't care less if he is along or not.

    He has been single for many years and I'm trying to be understanding about this and think perhaps he has grown a dependency upon his friends due to the lack of a lasting or close relationship.

    I'm in a dilemma because I want to be with him, but I have doubts that our relationship can grow with his friends being so intertwined in his life, and to be honest, I'm starting to resent this situation.

    Also, please know that I'm definitely NOT wanting to become between he and his friends. I want him to have his friends and be social, but not at expense of my own thoughts and feelings and the track of our growth as a couple.
  • venue35

    Posts: 4644

    Dec 30, 2015 12:47 AM GMT
    Maybe you should TELL him how you feel????
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Dec 30, 2015 2:07 AM GMT

    I went through something like this.

    I would make your issue quite clear and be ready to bail if the person fights you too hard on it. I found, that they will probably start resenting you a bit. If someone is 30 plus (or like my ex, 45) and is still living the lifestyle of a teenager there is a reason for it and it's not overly likely to change if they fight you on it.


  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Dec 30, 2015 2:55 AM GMT
    Personally, If my bf was a follower like this guy, I'd tell not to let the door hit him where the good lord split him.
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    Dec 30, 2015 3:36 AM GMT
    You're that guy.
    You wouldn't be alone; plenty of guys get upset when their bestie blows them off to spend time with the new relationship--no wait...
    "Odd," not healthy? yet, healthy for him ignore his friends because you are the most important person in his life?
    Sorry, but this hits home with me and mine...a couple times a year. He calls me intolerant because I think his friends are flaky emo's and I point out his insecurities because my friends are attractive straight wannabe's.
    We sex and make up (set new rules) till the next time, but hey, I'm married...you should totally dump his ass, wish I could be single again it would be savage.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Dec 30, 2015 3:50 AM GMT
    I cannot think of any gay guy who has not gone through this or who does not know someone who has ... This is a bit of an archetypical situation among gay men, isn't it?

    Life being what it is, there is only so much space, and there is only so much time at our hands,too, and not more.

    The only way out is to have a good, ole honest talk, and set the limits and the rules of the game down in a way that the whole thing works for both of you.

    You should be aware of the fact that you are running a high risk here that your BF would want to stick with his besties, even at the cost of parting his ways with you. If he happens to be prone to developing the feelings on dependency, he is probably more dependent on them than on you, and may find it easier to replace you than them.

    One way or the other, growing resentful of the present circumstances has never really helped anyone. Hence, you want to address this issue, and let him decide which way he wants to take. You can always try to help and support. But his friends are really his problem, and he has got to call the shots here.

    SC

  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Dec 30, 2015 8:59 AM GMT
    Just tell him to go ahead and go out and play with his buddies, you're staying home, and will see him after. Eventually either you will become more important, and if not, well, you know where you rank
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2015 1:23 PM GMT
    Hopefully his friends will calm down. Nothing's so unsexy as a wad of immature morons.
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Dec 30, 2015 3:39 PM GMT
    I have personally dealt with this and a lot of what you learn from a person in the very beginning can hardly change over time. This is something you need to discuss with him as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2015 6:22 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidJust tell him to go ahead and go out and play with his buddies, you're staying home, and will see him after. Eventually either you will become more important, and if not, well, you know where you rank

    Agreed. As the OP says, he's been dating this guy for a few months. It doesn't seem reasonable to me to expect his boyfriend to turn his life around and make the OP the center of his life at this point. Give it time. So many gay relationships these days strike me as being based more on merely getting along and being reasonably compatible rather than love. If the two of you end up really loving each other then his friends will drift into the background.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2015 7:54 PM GMT
    I think telling him how you feel is also the best bet. For example, lets say a scenario comes up where his friends are persuading him to do something as a group. However, you feel like its a day for just him and yourself (maybe some badly needed couple "alone" time). You could say something along the lines like " I would really like to spend this time with just you. I do understand though that your friends are inviting us out have fun, but I just want to be with you today. I leave the decision up to you".

    I think by doing so, you are being honest with him about how you feel, and also encouraging him to make his own decisions.

    Whatever happens though, heres hoping that everything works out in the end icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2015 8:06 PM GMT
    He is unwilling to live as a single person. This guy comes as a package deal. I would talk to him but dont expect big changes. Likely he is unwilling to take the leap of faith that you will work out and has known his friends for a very long time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2015 8:40 PM GMT
    Keep in mind that he met these friends long before you. They'll be there likely after you're gone, so no, I don't think he should change. If someone I just started dating wanted to rearrange my life, I'd dump him pretty quick.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2015 12:12 AM GMT
    Seems you both should find a way to spent time together but also schedule time to be with friends you don't want to be too clingy. However, I do understand you also want alone time with him. I would just let him know how you feel
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    Dec 31, 2015 12:34 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou're that guy.
    You wouldn't be alone; plenty of guys get upset when their bestie blows them off to spend time with the new relationship--no wait...
    "Odd," not healthy? yet, healthy for him ignore his friends because you are the most important person in his life?
    Sorry, but this hits home with me and mine...a couple times a year. He calls me intolerant because I think his friends are flaky emo's and I point out his insecurities because my friends are attractive straight wannabe's.
    We sex and make up (set new rules) till the next time, but hey, I'm married...you should totally dump his ass, wish I could be single again it would be savage.


    You're totally not bitter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 31, 2015 1:09 AM GMT
    I have a simple solution for you:

    Dump his ass and move on.

    His friends are chumps, and he's not a man. He's codependent on narcissistic people.

    Again,

    Dump his ass and move on. Find someone more mature who can handle life.
  • akapaolo

    Posts: 18

    Dec 31, 2015 1:32 AM GMT
    badbug said
    I went through something like this.

    I would make your issue quite clear and be ready to bail if the person fights you too hard on it. I found, that they will probably start resenting you a bit. If someone is 30 plus (or like my ex, 45) and is still living the lifestyle of a teenager there is a reason for it and it's not overly likely to change if they fight you on it.


    I have to agree with you. I was in a relationship for 16 yrs and his friends were always first. It does not change and I didnt try to change him but enough was enough.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Dec 31, 2015 8:09 AM GMT
    Most of the comments seem to be on one extreme or the other.. first, dump him since he puts his friends first... or alternatively, second, it's too soon and you shouldn't be forcing him to give up his friends..

    I think the answer is in the middle... you've only been dating a few months, so you can't expect him to put you first all of the time. What you can expect is that he puts you first some of the time. If he's finding time for you, and he's spending quality time for you then I think you need to take a 'wait and see' attitude..

    You need to communicate to him that he often puts his friends first, and make the point that friends are important (which they are) and you don't want to ever replace his friends (you don't, do you?).. but that you want to be put first sometimes, and you'd expect that to be truer as you get more serious (if you do become more serious).. it gives him the opportunity to understand your expectations and to think about it.. if you end up another 6 months along and you've not seen a change in behaviour then I'd say it's time to move on..

    In the gay world relationships can be temporary, so I can understand why he wouldn't be putting you first all of the time until you get to know each other better.. you're only a few months in.. but be clear about your longer term expectations and then back off to give him a chance to show he can make you happier..
  • jjguy05

    Posts: 459

    Dec 31, 2015 10:05 AM GMT
    Calamity saidHi, I've been dating a guy for a few months and he's wonderful in every way and we get along really well together.
    The issue is that he is too involved in his friend's lives and their small friend group. Most things in his life first have to be filtered through them FIRST to make sure he's available for dates or spending time together, otherwise, he and I are spending time with THEM and where THEY want to go.

    Also, let me add that the consideration he has for them is NOT shown to him by them. They do their own thing and seemingly couldn't care less if he is along or not.



    Sounds like he treats you as an outsider to his "clique" and worst part is that his "clique" doesn't even think much of him.

    Yeah, that either has to change or you take a walk.