What do I do when I see him next?

  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 06, 2016 10:51 AM GMT
    Okay so this is probably stupid but anyway

    I have been seeing this guy for like 4 months now and he recently said that we should "just be friends".

    The story is, he has major commitment issues because of bad previous relationships. We have been fine, he's the first person I've ever really been with, I've never been interested in dating but things happened and we began dating and it's been really amazing.

    I bought up the possibility of getting into a relationship in the future basically and he freaked out lol. He ended up admitting he doesn't want a relationship, but he has feelings for me and if I see others it's going to kill him but he doesn't want to hold me back and make me wait if that's what I want etc. I don't want a relationship, I would consider it with him, so now he thinks I need a relationship and thats what I want in my life and he can't give me that even though I've told him 100 times it's not.

    Anyways, he had a day to think and then ended things. He said, I'm "too important" for him to lose and if we continue seeing each other someone will get hurt and it'll end badly, but when he's ready it can be "revisited".

    Okay so the main part of this post I want help with

    We're going to catch up as "friends". I'm going to be honest, I don't want things to end. He's the first person I've ever been with and had real feelings for, so what I want to know is what should I do when we catch up as "friends"?

    We both care for each other, there's feelings and attraction the only thing stopping us are his issues and overthinking.

    So what do I do, be an amazing friend and pretend we had nothing romantic and make him realize how great I am as a friend and he'll end up needing me? right?
    icon_confused.gif

    Or be a "friend" but make a move after the movie is done and remind him that we should just continue with what we had and not think too much into it?

    Ugh this is so hard, what would you do? You care a lot and don't want it to end, and need some way of getting him to realize he shouldn't have ended things? This is stupid and immature, it just kills me because he didn't end things cause he doesn't like me, it's like he ended it because he does, it's a joke. (So is this thread I know...)

    Thanks icon_smile.gif

    tumblr_me8u5lUf5w1r3ty02o1_r1_500_zps349
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2016 12:21 PM GMT
    TheRealB saidOkay so this is probably stupid but anyway

    I have been seeing this guy for like 4 months now and he recently said that we should "just be friends".

    The story is, he has major commitment issues because of bad previous relationships.



    No no no don't even think about the possibility of this working out.

    Most of us have learned from lots of bitter experience a few simple rules:

    1) if somebody says he's not ready for a relationship, believe him.

    2) if you have feelings for someone, you can't be platonic friends. Amy attempt to do this will cause you prolonged frustration, disappointment, and heartbreak. At the end of the process you will end up poisoning the fake "friendship" and losing all self=respect.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 06, 2016 1:39 PM GMT
    the closest thing to salvaging you can do is propose being friends with benefits. It sounds like this is all they could handle anyways.
  • Gym8888

    Posts: 2

    Jan 06, 2016 3:53 PM GMT
    So I've been in a similar situation, except other way around. I was the one who didn't want a relationship - ever.

    My advice, don't give up completely. Meet up with him later - as he has suggested. Use the "in between" time to reassess your needs/wants - and to date others.

    I agree with others that - based on you posting - just being friends won't work for you. But when you meet up again - maybe you can talk about "options" - based on each of your needs. e.g. open relationship, casual relationship, etc.

    Regardless, don't waste too much time. Life and love is for the brave of heart. It is up to your friend whether he is brave enough (and has enough fortitude) to try love again. Cheers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2016 4:10 PM GMT
    Great--and sensitive--advice--from all.

    Generally when a guy says he wants to be just friends, it's a polite way of saying that he doesn't want to progress further. If any of us tell the truth, we've all been the "victim" as well as the initiator.
    If he's your first, you're beyond crazy about him and feel like your gut has just been ripped out--along with your heart. Give yourself some time. Being crazy about a guy is as good as it gets because it tells you that you have the ability to feel deeply and can really, really love someone with your entire being. Coupled with the excruciating pain. Thius is all part of being a man. And you will come to see that the depth you acquire through your experiences is the same depth you seek in others.
    As much as this hurts to your core, your next step in the process is to let him go--a tough challenge when we really care about and want someone to be part of our life. But your life will be enriched through your experiences with other guys and as you begin this journey, it will only serve to deepen your feelings about what-and whom--you want in your life.
    We're all with you, man.

  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Jan 06, 2016 4:11 PM GMT
    Cancerman is right on.

    Your now ex (you can say that) said "just friends." That's the real message. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he does want to play around.

    Face the pain of your disappointment now and get through it. You are too inexperienced to make an open relationship work, OK? That would only keep hurting you.

    Maybe you can be 'just friends' but you should hold the line and not let it get sexual again. That will make you stronger, and teach him to honor his own word. Shouldn't gay men honor each other?

    You are young. There are lots of new and different and fun experiences out there for you.

    So get a good night's sleep and go have fun, OK?

  • Gym8888

    Posts: 2

    Jan 06, 2016 4:29 PM GMT
    I just read Cancerman and OldFart - and am thinking that I may have missed how young and/or inexperienced you are. I agree that "open relationships" and/or "casual relationships" are for those of us who are a bit maturer and not "head over heels" with our first love.

    If it truly feels like your heart is being torn apart - then you may just want to end it. i.e. There is too much of a discrepancy between the two of you - and your feelings for each other. And therefore no room to negotiate.

    Bottom Line: Decision is yours as to how much time/effort you want to sacrifice.

    We have all been thru it - and wish you good luck, however it goes.
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    Jan 06, 2016 4:50 PM GMT
    The big issue here is this was your first time. So he stands out as the most important thing in your life because of it being so unique in your experience.
    I bet this was not the first time for him so realizing that he is trying to exit in some diplomatic manner because he does want that responsibility. You need to reset by meeting some other guys even if it's just a few hookups. I would do this even before you see him again . Once you aren't so completely dependent on him you will see things differently and he might see you as less needy and dependent on him.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Jan 06, 2016 5:20 PM GMT
    The truth is that all the posters here, well-meaning as they all are can ONLY share their views, most likely based on their personal experience.

    In other words, draw on our crowded knowledge and group wisdom here but do not really expect that any perfect solution comes from our part.

    I have been in couple of similar if certainly not identical situations.

    I have learnt to think outside the established categories of 'being just friends' or being 'friends with benefits' or being in an LTR or not seeing each other'. I have learnt to leave the initiative to someone who is requesting the change of the constellation. He says, 'he is not ready, and wants to be friends'. Fine, the ball is in his yard really, and he should be given a chance to show you how he sees this friendship developing.

    Even more importantly so, I have learnt to actively manage my life, too. I would never agree to be put into any holding pattern, until someone else sorts out his life. And, much to his credit, your friend is really not expecting you to do anything of the kind.

    Accept the reality for what it is. Get going, meet other guys, enjoy your life, and keep in touch with your friend for as long as you feel that you are having a reciprocally meaningful friendship. Avoid the scenario in which he is your everything, and in which he runs your life for you. No good has ever come out of such arrangements.

    No sane guy out there will expect you that you have no friends, and that your history begins with him alone. This goes on to say that it is perfectly fine to meet and even date other guys without any promise of exclusivity on anyone's part. You will cross that bridge when you get there.


    SC
  • d_1M

    Posts: 598

    Jan 06, 2016 5:48 PM GMT
    why to end it or ruin what you have for just putting a level on it?

    avoid talking about what he has issues with enjoy the time you have with him and get the most of it. not in a selfish way but think of you first and enjoy everything there is with him, you can even be loyal to him but don't expect the same so it doesn't lead to disappointment take advantage of the situation if its your first time been with some one like this why not make it last as long as possible after all the next guy you might be with its gonna have his own and may be same or different issues we all in different ways we bring our own into a friendship relationship or what ever level you decide to put on it.
  • ndbilly

    Posts: 71

    Jan 06, 2016 6:38 PM GMT
    Some people are completely freaked out by labels. They like what they have, you like what it is and it is all great. All of a sudden someone calls something a relationship, or calls one another boyfriend and all hell breaks loose.

    Along with all the great advice above, there is also the option of playing it by ear. See each other but establish your own rules. If he isn't willing to establish or you can't agree on rules like not seeing/being with other people, then I think that you should face the reality that at the moment the relationship isn't there. Don't compromise yourself, if he wants to see other people but doesn't want you to, it is unfair and unbalanced and will only hurt you. You nor he can have their cake and eat it too.

    Take it as an opportunity to meet other amazing guys. Or to find yourself. And sometimes you just need to let someone go for them to figure out what they want. Believe me... My now husband dumped me after about 2 years. It took 9 months of going our own way to realise what we had in each other. We got back together, have been together now for almost 11 years and married for 5. During those 9 months I met some amazing people, did some amazing things, all of which I would not have done had we been together. There is a risk in this... One of you may not come back, it may be him, it may be you, but if you do, at least you know it is true.

    Keep your head up
  • wareagle99

    Posts: 63

    Jan 06, 2016 6:45 PM GMT
    You have good advice above.

    To put it bluntly, I suggest you not contact him again. If he contacts you, don't get your hopes up. Keep it friendly, but try not to be encouraged.
    I would even go as far as to delete his number from your contacts, to make sure you aren't tempted to call him.

    If you run in to him, don't get your hopes up.

    There is not a good chance that this will end up well for you and him. Don't waste your energy. This is easier said than done, but you will be better off.

    There is a well known saying, Walk Away With Dignity.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2016 6:57 PM GMT
    Dude you're young and have alot of living to do!!!What will be will be!!!,peace
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    Jan 07, 2016 8:02 AM GMT
    What do you consider a relationship? What does he consider a relationship? You two were already in a relationship of sorts. I'm only assuming you mean exclusivity in your romantic relationship with him. You seem to want it. He doesn't. I'd say if you want an exclusive romantic relationship with him separate yourself from him (don't meet him for the friends catch up) and see if he misses you after a time. Let him pursue. If he stops contacting you, you have your answer.

    It's not easy when feelings are not mutual (one feels more than the other) in a relationship.

    Also, you're 20. What is his age?
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 10:29 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your advice means a lot!

    I'm going to try and reply to a few as it's very helpful right now.
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 10:44 AM GMT
    Gym8888 saidI just read Cancerman and OldFart - and am thinking that I may have missed how young and/or inexperienced you are. I agree that "open relationships" and/or "casual relationships" are for those of us who are a bit maturer and not "head over heels" with our first love.

    If it truly feels like your heart is being torn apart - then you may just want to end it. i.e. There is too much of a discrepancy between the two of you - and your feelings for each other. And therefore no room to negotiate.

    Bottom Line: Decision is yours as to how much time/effort you want to sacrifice.

    We have all been thru it - and wish you good luck, however it goes.


    Got to make it clear, I guess 2 things

    1 - I don't think it will matter how much experience I've had in my "love life" in the future, open relationships etc just won't work for me icon_smile.gif

    2 - I'm definitely not in love haha. I have feelings for him and they got stronger every time we saw each other, it was the beginning of love but I'm not head over heels in love icon_smile.gif

    At the end of the day it's not ending because he doesn't like me, it's ending because he's not ready and I understand and respect that now, you've all helped me understand it more too. I want to continue the friendship and maybe one day we can continue if he's ready, but I won't stop myself from finding someone else just for him.
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 10:47 AM GMT
    oldfart saidCancerman is right on.

    Your now ex (you can say that) said "just friends." That's the real message. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he does want to play around.

    Face the pain of your disappointment now and get through it. You are too inexperienced to make an open relationship work, OK? That would only keep hurting you.

    Maybe you can be 'just friends' but you should hold the line and not let it get sexual again. That will make you stronger, and teach him to honor his own word. Shouldn't gay men honor each other?

    You are young. There are lots of new and different and fun experiences out there for you.

    So get a good night's sleep and go have fun, OK?



    Thank you! I agree with just being friends and it's up to him to come to me when he's ready, and it's up to me to make it clear we're just friends if that's what he wants. I won't ever be someones "friend with benefits" thats just not me. icon_smile.gif
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 10:51 AM GMT
    Cancerman saidGreat--and sensitive--advice--from all.

    Generally when a guy says he wants to be just friends, it's a polite way of saying that he doesn't want to progress further. If any of us tell the truth, we've all been the "victim" as well as the initiator.
    If he's your first, you're beyond crazy about him and feel like your gut has just been ripped out--along with your heart. Give yourself some time. Being crazy about a guy is as good as it gets because it tells you that you have the ability to feel deeply and can really, really love someone with your entire being. Coupled with the excruciating pain. Thius is all part of being a man. And you will come to see that the depth you acquire through your experiences is the same depth you seek in others.
    As much as this hurts to your core, your next step in the process is to let him go--a tough challenge when we really care about and want someone to be part of our life. But your life will be enriched through your experiences with other guys and as you begin this journey, it will only serve to deepen your feelings about what-and whom--you want in your life.
    We're all with you, man.



    Thanks so much! I can see what you mean, and it's helpful advice icon_smile.gif Though as well as being intimate, we actually have developed a good friendship and I'm not sure I want to lose that, but I'll know if it's not good for me and end things if I can't just be friends
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 10:54 AM GMT
    ndbilly saidSome people are completely freaked out by labels. They like what they have, you like what it is and it is all great. All of a sudden someone calls something a relationship, or calls one another boyfriend and all hell breaks loose.

    Along with all the great advice above, there is also the option of playing it by ear. See each other but establish your own rules. If he isn't willing to establish or you can't agree on rules like not seeing/being with other people, then I think that you should face the reality that at the moment the relationship isn't there. Don't compromise yourself, if he wants to see other people but doesn't want you to, it is unfair and unbalanced and will only hurt you. You nor he can have their cake and eat it too.

    Take it as an opportunity to meet other amazing guys. Or to find yourself. And sometimes you just need to let someone go for them to figure out what they want. Believe me... My now husband dumped me after about 2 years. It took 9 months of going our own way to realise what we had in each other. We got back together, have been together now for almost 11 years and married for 5. During those 9 months I met some amazing people, did some amazing things, all of which I would not have done had we been together. There is a risk in this... One of you may not come back, it may be him, it may be you, but if you do, at least you know it is true.

    Keep your head up


    Thanks for sharing your advice and story icon_smile.gif It's so nice to hear that you and your husband ended up together and are in love! I definitely won't wait for him and stop myself from finding someone else, but I want to continue our friendship. When he's ready he can come to me, but for now I'm going to be a friend and only that. icon_smile.gif
  • TheRealB

    Posts: 16

    Jan 07, 2016 11:00 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidWhat do you consider a relationship? What does he consider a relationship? You two were already in a relationship of sorts. I'm only assuming you mean exclusivity in your romantic relationship with him. You seem to want it. He doesn't. I'd say if you want an exclusive romantic relationship with him separate yourself from him (don't meet him for the friends catch up) and see if he misses you after a time. Let him pursue. If he stops contacting you, you have your answer.

    It's not easy when feelings are not mutual (one feels more than the other) in a relationship.

    Also, you're 20. What is his age?


    Hi, thanks for your response!

    He actually told me that it will hurt him seeing me with others and if he can't handle that, he knows what he has to do, and that would be get into a relationship with me. I should have added that part of the OP. I know that he cares, but he just has his own issues right now and he needs to work on that for himself and I understand and respect that.

    I don't want a relationship, but I got used to the idea of having one with him. I'd say we're dating and have a good friendship, but yes I wanted exclusivity, but that screams commitment.

    He is 24 icon_smile.gif