My boyfriend won't have sex with me, but found out he's on dating sites, and more...

  • Pixelite

    Posts: 4

    Jan 11, 2016 4:35 PM GMT
    Hey guys,


    Sorry this is a bit of a long one but really need some advice!

    In need of some relationship help! I'm 29 and in a relationship for just over a year with a 26 year old guy. It's my first relationship in many years. We met on Grindr of all places, but started dating and didn't start getting sexual in any way until quite a few dates in.

    It was quite awkward though, we would often be fully clothed and teasing until eventually took it a bit further, but it was still just a little awkward. I thought it was because he was perhaps a little frigid and inexperienced, as he was making me do all the work, like it was me all over him instead of the other way round. Unfortunately it didn't happen often, and it was always me trying, then a few months in, every time I tried, he would reject me, and even get angry and frustrated at me making an attempt to get intimate.

    I assumed this was just a phase or he just wasn't feeling into it, however this went on for about 6 months. During this time, he started to get very short with me quite often, ill tempered, seemed bored all the time around me, and also made less and less effort to see me. I'm quite naive and I put up with it all until a friend found him active on Tinder which pushed me over the edge. I confronted him about it, but he denied it was him, quickly claimed it was fake and avoided talking to me about it. Shortly after this we kept arguing and I sat him down to tell him I can't do it anymore, he just doesn't seem to care about me or the relationship and I give up. He had nothing to say to me, just shrugged. However when he went to leave, he started getting upset and I gave in to him. He gave him another chance, and that night for the first time we had the only non-awkward sex ever. It was what I wanted from the beginning!

    However, it never happened again. This was back in May and I have made many many attempts to try again but he angrily rejects me each time. I may get as far as trying to erm, pleasure him, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it and just pushes me away quickly. I have asked him why this is happening a few times, but he keeps shrugging and saying he just doesnt want to. At one point he said he had no sex drive.

    Our relationship now involves us seeing each other every weekend, but we are more like good mates who kiss, and thats it. We are rarely all lovey dovey or anything. I also find it difficult to communicate with him during the week, its as if hes not really interested and its always me sending the first text or asking to do something.

    Just recently, I've made some discoveries. He let me borrow his tablet computer for a while as mine had packed in, but had forgotten to log out of everything. It was also synchronised with his phone. It revealed loads! The whole thing was riddled with porn and filth. There were hundreds of torrent videos which were mostly daddy porn and XXL c*ck porn. He had Dropbox and Box accounts with naked photos and masturbating videos of himself that he had taken recently and while I was seeing him. I can also see that they had been sent out just the past week. There was lots of other men too. I also noticed videos that seemed to be of him with other men. Oh and I can see he had been using the app Scruff on there too.

    As it was synced with his phone, I could see his Facebook messages popping up and emails. I avoided looking as much as I can but I could clearly read them, they were him flirting and talking dirty with other men. The most difficult thing to find though was an email pop up which was part of a conversation about him hooking up with a guy travelling to the local area. He had responded to a casual encounter ad on Craigslist. Whether this happened or not im not sure, but he often goes quiet some days, I have no idea where he is, or he clearly lies about where he is or has been.

    I feel bad but I got curious about Scruff, downloaded the app to have a look, and low and behold, there he is, topless photo (i recognise it) and a profile stating that hes looking for everything from relationship to random play, looking for jocks, geeks and muscular guys. He was online just yesterday.

    For some reason I'm finding it difficult to confront him about it. He gets angry and defensive very quickly. I want to know why I have spent all my time and effort waiting for him to have some physical interest in me, only to find he's been giving his body away to other people. i cant prove hes actually met anyone, as he could just like the fantasy of talking to other guys. But why would he talking about meeting people? Do guys do this?

    I'm wondering if this is a common scenario or if its happened to anyone before or if anyone can make out what's going on here? I dont understand why he wouldn't want to be intimate with me as I'm a good looking guy, I have a decent body and I love him. He says he loves me but it doesn't feel mutual.

    The only other things worth mentioning is that he seems to have very sensitive testicles, even if I touch them gently by accident it makes him feel a 'painful tickle', what he describes as someone punching him there on every touch. Another thing is that I randomly noticed that he had searched for syphillis and neurosyphillis and his local sexual health clinic details which is concerning.

    Sorry for the long text, would really really appreciate some help here to find out what's going on and what I can do....


    Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 5:01 PM GMT
    This 'relationship' sounds toxic and I think the best thing you can do is end it.

    You sound like a decent guy and from what you've said of him, he does not treat you in any way like a boyfriend should. Even just a basic lack of respect and decency. You deserve better, believe it!

    If you still think this relationship can work then you need to have a very honest conversation and set out some boundaries and expectations - it is not acceptable for you that you cannot be intimate with him and hardly hear from him for days on end. That's not a healthy relationship and if he is serious about making it work, things need to change. If not, then see my first suggestion.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 5:08 PM GMT
    Yeah, time to end it. Clearly his sensitive balls aren't big enough for him to do it on his own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 6:10 PM GMT
    This isn't really a relationship. You just seem sprung without getting any sex. You are never going to get an reasonable answer as to why from this dude. Just walk away and save the rest of your dignity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 8:35 PM GMT
    He's just not that in to you. And he doesn't want to have a big fight about it. If you try to start some big drama every time you see him, he's going to start hating the sight of you. You're going to skip the "friend zone" entirely and go straight to the trash.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 9:45 PM GMT
    I've seen your situation repeated over and over again in the gay community and I wonder if there's something in our DNA that compels some or many of us to lie and cheat whenever we're in a supposedly committed relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 11:04 PM GMT
    Let's cut to the chase. Nothing to discuss. Time to end it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2016 11:12 PM GMT
    Pixelite said

    We met on Grindr of all places.
    Grindr is a hookup app.....not a dating app. 90% of the guys on there are complete sex addicts.

    ...it was me all over him instead of the other way round.
    Hello?

    ...every time I tried, he would reject me, and even get angry and frustrated at me making an attempt to get intimate.
    Hello?

    ...he started to get very short with me quite often, ill tempered, seemed bored all the time around me, and also made less and less effort to see me.
    Hello?

    a friend found him active on Tinder
    HELLO?

    Our relationship now involves us seeing each other every weekend, but we are more like good mates who kiss, and thats it. We are rarely all lovey dovey or anything. I also find it difficult to communicate with him during the week, its as if hes not really interested and its always me sending the first text or asking to do something.
    HELLO?

    The whole [computer] was riddled with porn and filth. ....accounts with naked photos and masturbating videos of himself that he had taken recently and while I was seeing him. I can also see that they had been sent out just the past week. There was lots of other men too. I also noticed videos that seemed to be of him with other men. Oh and I can see he had been using the app Scruff on there too.
    HELLO?

    Facebook messages popping up and emails.....they were him flirting and talking dirty with other men.
    HELLO?

    He had responded to a casual encounter ad on Craigslist. Whether this happened or not im not sure, but he often goes quiet some days, I have no idea where he is, or he clearly lies about where he is or has been.
    HELLO?

    [Found him on Scruff] and a profile stating that hes looking for everything from relationship to random play, looking for jocks, geeks and muscular guys. He was online just yesterday.
    HELLO?

    ...when he went to leave, he started getting upset and I gave in to him. I gave him another chance, and that night for the first time we had the only non-awkward sex ever. It was what I wanted from the beginning! However, it never happened again.
    That's because the breakup introduced danger to the situation which is normally a necessary ingredient to have sex with a sex addict.

    At one point he said he had no sex drive.
    No sex drive for YOU.

    For some reason I'm finding it difficult to confront him about it. Do guys do this?
    Bad guys do this, yes.

    I dont understand why he wouldn't want to be intimate with me as I'm a good looking guy, I have a decent body and I love him. He says he loves me but it doesn't feel mutual.
    This is not about you. This is about him and his sick need to have ONLY sex with strangers and people he has no feelings for. The bigger question is why do you want to be with guys who don't want you? Were you rejected or neglected by one or more of your parents? If so, this can cause people to seek out unavailable partners as it's something familiar.

    ...he seems to have very sensitive testicles, even if I touch them gently by accident it makes him feel a 'painful tickle', what he describes as someone punching him there on every touch. Another thing is that I randomly noticed that he had searched for syphillis and neurosyphillis and his local sexual health clinic details which is concerning.
    Painful testicles is a very common symptom of some STD's. Be thankful he doesn't have sex with you.


  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 11, 2016 11:48 PM GMT

    The bigger question is why do you want to be with guys who don't want you? Were you rejected or neglected by one or more of your parents? If so, this can cause people to seek out unavailable partners as it's something familiar.



    Read that. Again. And read it everytime you think of continuing this relationship.


    What are you trying to prove here? This guy is broken and if he's this emotionally unavailable this early in a relationship imagine what he'd be like in 2 years or 5? or 10? Why are you hanging on to this relationship? Relationships are difficult when two people are committed and compatible. You're 29, but soon you'll blink and be 39. Then 49. Life is too short to waste getting involved in very highy likely to be doomed relationships just because it's easier than ending them. Will you miss him? Yes. but you'll get over it and so will he. There's nothing to fix here and nothing worth saving, except your sanity and your time.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 12:12 AM GMT
    -you only meet up on week ends


    take a few week ends off and think it through. Make a plan and follow it through. No drama
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Jan 12, 2016 12:37 AM GMT
    you never were in a relationship, so there is nothing to leave, move on. If you want absolute confirmation trap him with a fake account.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    He is not into you....Move on
  • mystery905

    Posts: 745

    Jan 12, 2016 7:58 AM GMT
    He's not your boyfriend....
  • Pixelite

    Posts: 4

    Jan 12, 2016 1:15 PM GMT
    Thank you guys for replying, really appreciate it! Although its obvious I'm am huge fool. I think my lack of experience with relationships has played a factor here in me failing to recognise and act upon any danger signs.

    I noticed messages pop up on his phone just recently, same bloke's name, and instead of a surname its the area he lives in. He messages him while hes with me and hides his phone from me. Not that I ever go into this phone anyway.

    I'm not sure what's keeping me hanging on, I think its just wanting answers. I feel like I want to know exactly why he has disrespected me, why this was a waste of a year. There's obviously no excuse for any of this but somehow I'm still hoping. No idea why. It sucks that I don't have the balls to just walk away, I'm such an idiot.

    I feel like I need to sit down and talk to him, tell him what I know, and what I think of all this. I want him to understand that he's messed up as I fear that if I just walk away he will shrug his shoulders and move onto someone else.

    I dont know... I think I'm way too nice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 2:06 PM GMT
    Hello mate,

    I have to say as well, not only is he just not that into you, but he's not into you, period. You are a decent looking guy whom seems like you have a lot going for you. My query is, why are you still with this plonker?

    From what you've stated, he sounds very manuipulative, and he sees that you wear your heart on your sleeve, and he is taking full advantage. My advice to you, and it would be the BEST thing you do all year... Cut him loose. You don't deserve to be treated like that with anyone.

    I had a slight variation of this with a guy I dated back in September... This guy claimed that he liked me, and he wanted to be serious with me from day one, since he says that guys like me are hard to find, ya ya ya... You know, the whole speech. One day we are sitting on his couch hanging out. So he has his computer, checking his emails while kinda lying on my lap, us watching a movie. A nice little message from Adam4Adam popped up. So, he tried to mask it, but I had already seen it. I said to him calmly, "Oh so you're pretty active on those sites..." He got quite defencive and tried to play as though he had never seen it before. (We live in different cities). So I said, very well and cut him loose. Now, you're free to go Adam4Adam away! Hope this helps. Remember, you are the prize.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 4:04 PM GMT
    Pixelite saidThank you guys for replying, really appreciate it! Although its obvious I'm am huge fool. I think my lack of experience with relationships has played a factor here in me failing to recognise and act upon any danger signs.

    I noticed messages pop up on his phone just recently, same bloke's name, and instead of a surname its the area he lives in. He messages him while hes with me and hides his phone from me. Not that I ever go into this phone anyway.

    I'm not sure what's keeping me hanging on, I think its just wanting answers. I feel like I want to know exactly why he has disrespected me, why this was a waste of a year. There's obviously no excuse for any of this but somehow I'm still hoping. No idea why. It sucks that I don't have the balls to just walk away, I'm such an idiot.

    I feel like I need to sit down and talk to him, tell him what I know, and what I think of all this. I want him to understand that he's messed up as I fear that if I just walk away he will shrug his shoulders and move onto someone else.

    I dont know... I think I'm way too nice!



    You will never get any answers from him. He has intimacy "problems" but it's his norm so don't expect him to change or explain something that he does not understand himself. The issue here is this is your first relationship so you are obsessed with it. Force yourself to date others immediately. This is the reset button you desperately need right now. Just breaking up with him won't be enuf to stop your obsession with him and the self deprecation that it will set off in you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 9:19 PM GMT
    you've been treated like a doormat, and just won't shake it off
    he has walked al over you and will continue to do so as long as you let him
    it is hurting your confidence and pride in yourself, making you less of what you can be
    you deserve more, skip the weekend and just go on with your life, let him take to "first " move and then just don't have the time
    you wil notice how quickly he moves on, and then you will know
    and do you really want to know what he,s really been up to?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Jan 13, 2016 12:03 AM GMT
    Dump him, and the faster the better. He is treating you like dirt and deserves no consideration.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 13, 2016 12:05 AM GMT
    I'm not sure what's keeping me hanging on, I think its just wanting answers


    The problem is he can't give you any that matter. He's one person, and why he is doing what he is doing isn't going to change for positive or negative who you are. You want his validation, you want him to see you for the prize you are or give you some list you can fix about yourself so this sort of thing never happens again etc. etc.

    You aren't being a nice person. You're being yourself, sucking what emotions you can out of this person and perhaps enjoying them more because they're harder to get. On some level, you're enjoying all this too much that is why you continue to do it, why you can't walk away. You want the big prize, which is continued drama and reassurance. You want to win this game.


    I don't blame you too much. This is part of what makes relationships fun, conflict and resolution. The problem with this one is, the person you are with is clearly not worth the conflict and is never going to change because they are an asshole. The world is full of them, and he's clearly uber dishonest so why would you believe any of his lies? What answers can a liar truly give to anyone but a fool?


    Anyways, have fun. In the end, You'll either die and so none of this will matter. Or you'll live forever and then none of the time you wasted will have mattered. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 2:26 AM GMT
    Honestly you're Incredibly naive for not realizing that a guy you're dating whom you're not having a strong sexual connection with, is obviously going to satisfy himself elsewhere. Prime example of two young kids dating just for the sake of having a relationship even though you're incompatible... Both of you should man up and cut off any monagmous expectation.
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Jan 13, 2016 2:44 AM GMT
    TLDR... ew just break up with this cheating asshole already.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 4:49 AM GMT
    Sorry. The only relationship you have with him is in your mind. It will not get better, you cannot change him, and relationships are teamwork. You are the only one in the team and he's not joining. I have to agree with the guy above who kept writing "Hello". As a neglected child myself, I often fall into attraction with unavailable men, and the repetition of "trying harder" is a familiar (however futile) dynamic. No one can change the situation except you. Stop waiting for things to change. You have to leave.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 10:09 AM GMT
    Leave this cheating swine. But before you do, expose him for who he really is to the world, and make his wish he was never born. That way, you will actually get something out of it, and he'll be ruined. That will force him to change(hopefully), and you can have some closure. Unfortunately for him, he'll die of some disease or HIV because he has a serious condition that needs some serious professional help.

    It's not you, it's him!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 3:50 PM GMT
    Pixelite said

    I'm not sure what's keeping me hanging on, I think its just wanting answers. I feel like I want to know exactly why he has disrespected me, why this was a waste of a year. There's obviously no excuse for any of this but somehow I'm still hoping. No idea why.

    I feel like I need to sit down and talk to him, tell him what I know, and what I think of all this. I want him to understand that he's messed up as I fear that if I just walk away he will shrug his shoulders and move onto someone else.

    I dont know... I think I'm way too nice!



    I gave you the answer above. Read it and let it soak in......it's not you. When you meet someone who is Schizophrenic, do you sit them down and ask them what you did to make them Schizophrenic? This is no different. This guy is a sex addict. You didn't make him this way. He was this way before you met him and will continue being this way long after you're gone. It has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. What do you not get?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 13, 2016 4:55 PM GMT
    I think if Radd's posts aren't eye-opening enough for the OP, then RJ just isn't going to help...