Under what circumstances is it fair for your boyfriend/partner to ask you to cut ties with a good friend that you messed around with in the past?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 6:29 AM GMT
    The gay community in many towns is very small so its not uncommon for your friends to be guys you've messed around with (either playfully or seriously) in the past. Some of your friends may even be exes where you remained really good friends. Is it fair for your significant other to not want you to remain in contact?

    My opinion is that either you trust your partner... or you don't. But very interested in hearing opinions....
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    Jan 12, 2016 6:33 AM GMT
    When your boyfriend is a petty cunt.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jan 12, 2016 7:53 AM GMT
    Nope.Totally, NO!

    My history did not begin yesterday.My friends ARE my friends, and maintaining our friendships or not is only for us to decide upon. Sure, some of my current friends are my exes. It speaks well for all of us that we parted on friendly terms, and are now friends. I would not expect my BF to embrace and love them all but that does not change the status of our pre-existing friendships.

    Once you let your BF decide for you who may or may not be your friend, you are on the best possible way to losing both your friends and your current boyfriend, too.

    Two adult men should command sufficient maturity to understand the difference between friends and actual boyfriends, LTR partners, etc., and arrange for them to co-exist peacefully.

    SC





  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jan 12, 2016 11:23 AM GMT
    It has to do with fear of "history repeating itself".trust is a big thing in a some men and some times u got choose sides or insure trust
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    Jan 12, 2016 2:12 PM GMT
    an Exe (now a friend); well you Xed him for a reason. Maybe he Xed you for a reason. Whatever. No real need to keep the emotional baggage around. Move on with your love life or stay where you are.

    almost everyone confuses acquaintances with friends.

    we know some quaint but un worthy peeps:
    -one had sex with a 13year neighbor old boy and posted it.
    -one friend threw up dunk on my shoes
    -one stole money
    We had a sit down and talked about giving only the better people in OUR lives more attention.

    your partner should be the biggest investment in your life. I would push all of my EXES down a few flights stairs for a good partner.



  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Jan 12, 2016 2:15 PM GMT
    It is really unfair of the SO to want to cut you off from them, whether your pals were exes or FWB or whatever. How would he think -and feel- if the tables were turned?

    He doesn't have to like them himself. Be sure to make that clear and give him some space. He might not want to be around them at all himself; been there myself - probably most of us have.

    It may also be that he is deeply insecure. That could be from inexperience, or youth, or just jealousy. Maybe he is terrified that the pal would find you as hot and irresistable as he does, and that he could lose that competition.

    You could even make a joke feeiling around that by suggesting a three way - but that joke could go horribly wrong and hurt him, or the old pal.

    I do hope SO will relax and adjust with some time and practice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 3:34 PM GMT
    When your dick wants to bust out of your pants and saliva starts coming out of your mouth whenever you see your "good friend."
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    Jan 12, 2016 4:11 PM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    mindgarden saidWhen your boyfriend is a petty cunt.

    funny.

    I used to throw a lot of parties in my 20s & 30s and that brings people together who would normally never socialize with each other. I'd hang with a lot of different types and I understood some of them maybe not liking each other but you damned well better show up for my dinner and you better behave yourself. It's a simple as that.

    I'd think it a problem if there remains sexual tension between the two but also if there's so much hostility for whatever conflict of character between the partner and the friend, but even then, the pettiness would play if the one partner isn't allowed time alone with the old friend.

    But also there's a very real mechanism of communication at play in relationships whereby if A likes B & B likes C but A doesn't like C then A will like B a little less for liking C. And that plays in varying degrees.

    Would you befriend someone who is still best friends with someone who murdered your parents, for extreme example. So I understand some of the "pettiness" but I'd give as much leeway as I could.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Jan 12, 2016 6:45 PM GMT
    He would always be welcome to ask; the results would be unpredictable!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 9:00 PM GMT
    If you don't trust someone you're with then address that issue. If you have a monogamous agreement it shouldn't matter who your partner sees unless you don't trust your partner. If your partner seems shady and wants to have more than just you as a partner, either adapt to that desire or break up. Case closed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2016 9:17 PM GMT
    I agree with pellaz, your partner should be the more important one.

    I don't know what you mean by messed around with playfully, but I'm talking about an ex you were involved with in a relationship and had sex with.

    Your relationship with your partner could have rough periods and it seems possible to me that you could gravitate towards your ex if he's there providing a shoulder to cry on.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 13, 2016 12:46 AM GMT


    I think like all things, it depends.


    Some people have trust issues, emotional issues, had bad experiences in the past. Is it fair they ask you to augment your life to make up for their short-comings? Maybe not. But maybe it is something they require in a particular instance to be able to exist in the relationship.

    It's fine saying "he should trust me" but maybe he's not capable or as capable? Not everyone has had the same experience in life or relationships and can have the same level of trust towards other human beings. You have to weigh the good and the bad of it. Is this the latest in a list of unreasonable demands? Or is it the first real thing they asked you for?



  • southernscot

    Posts: 9

    Jan 13, 2016 1:35 AM GMT
    If I have a choice choosing between the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with and a hookup or an ex...I'm choosing my man.

    I think you can get to a lot of gray areas with it, but if it upsets my man enough then I want him to be happy...but I do expect him to not be a hypocrite and do the same for me.

    If it was a one time hookup he just ended up friends with and no sex after that, then I can live with that one. But someone he had strong feelings for, then no I probably don't want them around. They're called an ex for a reason. Maybe it's easier for me to say since I don't sleep with my friends...I dunno.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3529

    Jan 13, 2016 3:31 AM GMT
    pretty much only if the ex is a bad influence (drug dealer, etc)
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 714

    Jan 13, 2016 6:26 AM GMT
    If you can't be trusted to not fall for your ex.

    That Biz Markie song applies more to gays than anyone else
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Jan 13, 2016 7:15 AM GMT
    That just shows a partners jelous side, worried about who does it better and want you all to himself. I may have a bf, but still fool around with local friends for two reasons: long distance relationship, and it's not like he's going to propose anytime soon (wishful thinking, no high hopes).
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 714

    Jan 13, 2016 7:18 AM GMT
    ^^Really? Is that how some guys think now? That's seriously fucked up
  • rocketfish229

    Posts: 22

    Jan 13, 2016 7:35 AM GMT
    Honestly, I'd rather my boyfriend not be friends with someone he has slept with. Granted, if it was a one time thing ages ago and the friendship was completely platonic, I'd be comfortable with that. I guess I'd be more open to accepting that rather than accepting that he be good friends with his ex. I'm cordial to both my exes and acknowledge them but I wouldn't allow that to interfere with my relationship. I also see a warning sign if I'm interested in someone and I find out that he's slept with most of his friends. Establishing most of one's friendships based on who one finds sexually appealing is simply messy.
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    Jan 13, 2016 8:15 AM GMT
    wellwell saidHe would always be welcome to ask; the results would be unpredictable!


    Pretty much this; if it's on his mind he might as well get it off his chest, but the more he expects you to play along and internalize it the more he risks a reality check.

    That said, there are many ways you could use these circumstances to inflict all kinds of pain on him without ever actually being unfaithful. If you're not inclined to let him play mind games at your expense, be sure not to do so at his.
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    Jan 13, 2016 11:03 AM GMT
    Wendigo9 saidThat just shows a partners jelous side, worried about who does it better and want you all to himself. I may have a bf, but still fool around with local friends for two reasons: long distance relationship, and it's not like he's going to propose anytime soon (wishful thinking, no high hopes).


    you don't deserve to be in a relationship. You disgust me. With that attitude, you're lucky to even have a man. You are a prime example of what is wrong with the gay community. Keep you pants zipped.

    Filthy whores have no place in monogamous relationships.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Jan 13, 2016 3:07 PM GMT
    If my significant ended things on cordial terms, it would speak to his character, and would give me some insight into how things would end on his end with me when and if it happened. low drama.


    ...unless of course you've been getting drunk and making out with your ex.
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    Jan 13, 2016 5:02 PM GMT
    I think its fair if said friend is disrespectful because of this. If the guy is constantly bringing up the fact that you use to sleep together or constantly belittles your current partner as not good enough then you should cut ties. Other wise the guy is a was and not an is. If your boyfriend has any integrity his exes or former fuck buddies are not threats. They had their chance and clearly don't compare to you.
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Jan 14, 2016 1:23 AM GMT
    jjohnson88 said
    Wendigo9 saidThat just shows a partners jelous side, worried about who does it better and want you all to himself. I may have a bf, but still fool around with local friends for two reasons: long distance relationship, and it's not like he's going to propose anytime soon (wishful thinking, no high hopes).


    you don't deserve to be in a relationship. You disgust me. With that attitude, you're lucky to even have a man. You are a prime example of what is wrong with the gay community. Keep you pants zipped.

    Filthy whores have no place in monogamous relationships.


    Drama queen, please. . . my hunny lives 3 hours away from me, been seeing eachother for 2 1/2 years now, and is okay with my being with friends. An open relationship is all a matter of trusting them when you're apart, if you like being a tight end than that's your problem.