Should A Child Tell His Mom That Dad Was Gay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 3:48 PM GMT
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    NYT: I think my father, who died 10 years ago, was gay or preferred men, but I have no proof. I base my suspicion mostly on the way he looked at people, some magazine subscriptions and one conversation.

    I came out to my parents in the 1970s, while home from college. That same night, my father took me aside and confided that before his marriage he had an affair with a man but got psychological help and was ‘‘cured.’’ He hoped I would do the same. He said, ‘‘Promise not to tell your mother — it will break her heart.’’ I promised.

    Some time later, I asked him to tell me more about that man, but he denied the whole story, and we had a bit of a fight. However, many years later, in a brief autobiography he wrote for his grand­children, he referred to a high-school friendship that he would ‘‘rather not talk about.’’

    Am I obliged to tell my mother any of this?

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/17/magazine/should-i-tell-mom-i-think-dad-was-gay.html?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    the mother already knows.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2016 6:40 PM GMT
    Dad shouldn't have burdened the kid with that information, but the kid has no obligation to tell his mom. In fact, dad asked him not to and it makes sense that the info would be hurtful to mom.
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    Jan 13, 2016 9:37 PM GMT
    swimmersf saidDad shouldn't have burdened the kid with that information, but the kid has no obligation to tell his mom. In fact, dad asked him not to and it makes sense that the info would be hurtful to mom.


    I wouldn't say he burndend him with the information. He was trying to empathize with his son. He was horribly misguided and obviously in a lot of pain himself if he think being gay or bi is something that should be cured.

    I don't think it should be the sons place to tell his mother. Let their relationship end with his father's death. Now that the father has died his mother will have no ability to confront her husband. If she didn't know this would likely hurt her while making it harder for her to find closure.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 13, 2016 9:46 PM GMT
    Children always think they have special entitlement with regard to their parents' lives. In fact, they have none. Only an obligation to be grateful if the parents tried hard to be good parents. They certainly have no business meddling in their parents' marriage.
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    Jan 13, 2016 9:50 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidChildren always think they have special entitlement with regard to their parents' lives. In fact, they have none. Only an obligation to be grateful if the parents tried hard to be good parents. They certainly have no business meddling in their parents' marriage.


    Its our culture that fosters that. We shame parents who don't devote their lives to their children's well being then complain that millineals aren't more independent. We forget that for most of history children served the needs of parents, not the other way around.
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    Jan 13, 2016 10:03 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidChildren always think they have special entitlement with regard to their parents' lives. In fact, they have none. Only an obligation to be grateful if the parents tried hard to be good parents. They certainly have no business meddling in their parents' marriage.



    Finally someone has said it. Along with that is the absurd concept of being the "perfect" parent. It has no applicability to real life at all. Our concept of perfect families are based on TV Sitcoms .... it is pure fantasy. See how it has blown up with high suicide rates in perfectly privileged " families" in Silicon Valley.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 14, 2016 12:46 AM GMT
    Only if his mom suggests that he try to get "cured."
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Jan 14, 2016 1:31 AM GMT
    HottJoe saidOnly if his mom suggests that he try to get "cured."


    Even better/funnier, the mom should ask herself "what did I do to make him turn gay?" lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2016 1:57 AM GMT
    If I found out my father was gay I would so tell me Mom and then support her in divorcing him....and kicking him to the curb.
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    Jan 14, 2016 5:30 AM GMT
    DTOBIN2013 saidIf I found out my father was gay I would so tell me Mom and then support her in divorcing him....and kicking him to the curb.


    You're 55 yo. so your parents have to be late seventies or early to mid 80s. What purpose would it serve this late in the game?

    Children have no business meddling in their parents lives. Often times the woman with a gay husband knows and turns a blind eye for whatever reasons she has or perhaps she and her spouse have come to an understanding. I've seen that a time or two.
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    Jan 14, 2016 5:47 AM GMT
    What good would it do now? I feel a revelation like that would only cause more hurt. It would be best to honor his wishes.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jan 15, 2016 12:47 AM GMT
    The father died years ago, all thoughts should be to support the mother. Would bringing up what has to be a sticky subject with her help her at all? I think it's more self-centered than helpful.

    I also suspect my dad was at least partly bi, but I'd never bring it up with my mom, it would do no good whatsoever.
  • Edepic

    Posts: 88

    Jan 15, 2016 4:03 AM GMT
    its not unusual for adolescent boys to have sexual interactions with each other and them go on to have strong sexual feelings for woman. For some it may be a necessary right of passage. There seems to be a tendency on this site to categorize individuals into specific diagnostic categories. Maybe most people are pansexual and given a particular upbringing, living in a particular culture, or having particular life experiences results in a sexual orientation that can change as circumstances change.
    If the father had wanted to tell the mother he would have. He may have felt that she couldn't understand his journey (see above). His effort to help his son was a gift that should not be betrayed.
  • IgnatiusReill...

    Posts: 158

    Jan 18, 2016 8:48 PM GMT
    The conversation which you had with your father was a private affair and I see no need now, or ever, to reveal what was shared between you and your father with your mother. I agree with the other respondents, she may have known, but if she does not, it would serve no purpose now to tell her now. Let her enjoy whatever cherished memories that she has of her life with your dad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2016 10:38 PM GMT
    again… its called the PAST! Why bring it up… what purpose would it serve anyone.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 11:00 PM GMT
    Adding my vote to the "don't tell her" side. Either she already knows or suspects and adding your own suspicions won't really change anything, or she has no idea and it could, like your dad said, break her heart for no reason.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 26, 2016 12:12 AM GMT
    pellaz saidthe mother already knows.





    THIS.



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