Admitting you're fem in your profile... Bad Idea?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 12:42 PM GMT
    I've been thinking about this for awhile now but on the whole masc/fem spectrum, I pretty much know where I stand on it and because of it, I do list "Feminine" in my dating profiles/apps.

    But I feel like uttering the "F" word in a gay site is borderline suicide. The main reason I put it is because I don't want to disappoint a guy to expect me as something I'm not (even though I'm sure my pics would give it away anyway).

    I'm just concerned about this because I feel like guys think I'm going to be like Chris Crocker (No disrespect, I admire his confidence) or a high-maintenance sassy diva but I'm not any of those things. I'm soft-spoken, sensitive, and reserved but I also like the outdoors. I'd love to go camping/hiking and I'm not obsessed with top 40 pop/dance music...

    I guess my question is. Is it a better idea to leave the "F" word off the profile?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2016 5:08 PM GMT
    While I am generally against assigning the role of 'masculine' or 'feminine' to oneself given that they're simply social constructs without any real meaning, if you feel that this social construct really describes you, then why not use it to describe yourself? If someone is going to write you off for being 'feminine' then wouldn't they pick up on it eventually anyway?
  • Kazachok

    Posts: 415

    Jan 15, 2016 6:02 PM GMT
    I do not think it is such a bad idea, though I usually write that I am effeminate. Some do prefer us fems, lol.

    What frustrates me is telling the guys that I am effeminate, them assuring me that it is totally okay with them, and then rejecting me precisely for it.
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    Jan 15, 2016 6:28 PM GMT
    I do think that it's better to be upfront. However, I also recognize that people have differing definitions of "masculine" vis-à-vis "feminine." Some gay guys think that having massive hairy pecs and wearing a leather harness make them "masculine." On the other hand, some gay guys think they're not "masculine" enough even though you cannot tell them apart from "straight" men. I think one should simply do what's comfortable to him/her.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 6:34 PM GMT
    Kazachok saidI do not think it is such a bad idea, though I usually write that I am effeminate. Some do prefer us fems, lol.

    What frustrates me is telling the guys that I am effeminate, them assuring me that it is totally okay with them, and then rejecting me precisely for it.


    Oh I know that feeling. I mean, I haven't had that happen yet but I know it may happen eventually where a guy says he's okay with it only to not be...
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 6:34 PM GMT
    IsigVinter saidWhile I am generally against assigning the role of 'masculine' or 'feminine' to oneself given that they're simply social constructs without any real meaning, if you feel that this social construct really describes you, then why not use it to describe yourself? If someone is going to write you off for being 'feminine' then wouldn't they pick up on it eventually anyway?


    It's mainly because I feel that if you ever utter the "f" word, you're automatically thought of as someone like this...

    wenn246212821__oPt.jpg

    Or in my case, this...

    hqdefault.jpg

    And I'm not like that at all. icon_neutral.gif

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 6:37 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidI do think that it's better to be upfront. However, I also recognize that people have differing definitions of "masculine" vis-à-vis "feminine." Some gay guys think that having massive hairy pecs and wearing a leather harness make them "masculine." On the other hand, some gay guys think they're not "masculine" enough even though you cannot tell them apart from "straight" men. I think one should simply do what's comfortable to him/her.


    Yeah but in the grand scheme of things, guys do fall on a certain point on the scale but the generality seems that if you're not straight acting or can pass as a straight guy, you're feminine.
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    Jan 15, 2016 7:04 PM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    ...I'm soft-spoken, sensitive, and reserved but I also like the outdoors...


    That seems like a pretty good comment to make in and of itself; there are lots of ways to say that you're comfortable with your feminine side but you're still into "guy stuff" (for lack of a better term). It seems to me that if you're hesitant to incur the dismissive judgements, you could find one or two short (that's important) explanations to illustrate the qualities you want to be taken into account instead of relying on an overloaded label.

    You could also work the more nuanced labels -- 'feminine but not flamboyant' or similar -- but I don't know enough of them to volunteer a good wording for your case.

    Now that I think of it, though, there's always "nice guy", which often seems to end up meaning something similar. ;)
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 7:15 PM GMT
    anotherphil said
    BloodFlame said
    ...I'm soft-spoken, sensitive, and reserved but I also like the outdoors...


    That seems like a pretty good comment to make in and of itself; there are lots of ways to say that you're comfortable with your feminine side but you're still into "guy stuff" (for lack of a better term). It seems to me that if you're hesitant to incur the dismissive judgements, you could find one or two short (that's important) explanations to illustrate the qualities you want to be taken into account instead of relying on an overloaded label.

    You could also work the more nuanced labels -- 'feminine but not flamboyant' or similar -- but I don't know enough of them to volunteer a good wording for your case.

    Now that I think of it, though, there's always "nice guy", which often seems to end up meaning something similar. ;)


    Hmm that doesn't sound too bad actually. I'll take that into consideration, thanks!
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    Jan 15, 2016 8:21 PM GMT
    Telling it like it is is never wrong. The only issue is the question of timing. "Don't spill all your candy in the lobby."
  • Amira

    Posts: 327

    Jan 15, 2016 8:36 PM GMT
    I'm one that feels labels don't add to substance to fleshing out character. Profiles that read with fleshing out a person's personality is what appeals. It's just like reading a book, a great author doesn't tell you what the character does, they paint a picture of their actions that ultimately allows yet he reader to visualize those actions vividly. So in other words you don't have to resort to words that carry a certain stigma because that's all people will think about, the negatives. icon_surprised.gificon_smile.gif
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    Jan 15, 2016 8:47 PM GMT
    I think they should remove some letters from LGBT and add F. I think it
    is the most significant characteristic of gay type.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 15, 2016 10:40 PM GMT
    MGINSD saidTelling it like it is is never wrong. The only issue is the question of timing. "Don't spill all your candy in the lobby."


    Well, I don't gush out everything when I meet someone but I'd just want them to know that I'm not what they are thinking (flamboyant)

    Amira saidI'm one that feels labels don't add to substance to fleshing out character. Profiles that read with fleshing out a person's personality is what appeals. It's just like reading a book, a great author doesn't tell you what the character does, they paint a picture of their actions that ultimately allows yet he reader to visualize those actions vividly. So in other words you don't have to resort to words that carry a certain stigma because that's all people will think about, the negatives. icon_surprised.gificon_smile.gif


    Yeah, I'll have to try something like that.

    Alpha13 saidI think they should remove some letters from LGBT and add F. I think it
    is the most significant characteristic of gay type.


    You kinda lost me...
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 16, 2016 12:43 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidBetter to be upfront.

    I don't think realjock.com is the appropriate site for a fem to meet potential dating mates. So many people here have made it clear how they don't approve of anything less than masculine.

    Perhaps your best bet is to join communities in your area and look for LGBT based organizations where you can meet others in person.

    I find it kinda rare that two people will actually meet off of sites like this and live happily ever after anyway. It happens but not as often as one might think.


    Well, I wasn't really saying for Realjock as you're right, guys here only like masculine guys but I met gay dating sites in general.

    Yeah, I'm going to try to find some organizations later this year if not just to get out more.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Jan 16, 2016 1:12 AM GMT
    Realjock.com may be an appropriate site for someone who is fem to meet someone who is attracted to men who are fem.

    I have always been attracted to guys who have flair and personality, who show a softer side, who are lively and expressive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 16, 2016 1:38 AM GMT
    I think it's a good idea to describe yourself in your profile. And since you know that being fem could be a deal breaker for many guys, it's a good idea to filter out the guys you know will not be into you.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jan 16, 2016 5:32 AM GMT
    Radd saidI think it's a good idea to describe yourself in your profile. And since you know that being fem could be a deal breaker for many guys, it's a good idea to filter out the guys you know will not be into you.


    Yeah, I will try that. But it certainly feels like fem is a dealbreaker for most guys if I had to be honest and I just feel that if I didn't put it on my profile, I could try to show a guy that a fem personality doesn't have to be bad.

    But I also like cutting to the chase so I know who won't be into me.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jan 16, 2016 5:54 AM GMT
    You want a draw a clear line between stating factual truths as in:
    'I am 6'1", have black eyes, hold an M.A., am currently employed, etc.'

    and referring to social constructs as in 'I am very masculine/feminine, open-minded, etc.'

    Social constructs tend to invoke different images/ideas in the minds of different people.

    To some being 'feminine' is nothing short of being a drag queen, whereas to the others it may someone who simply has a 'softer' side to his own projection of masculinity. And, probably, everything in-between...

    So, I'd stick with the factual truth, and let the pictures transmit the side of your personality that you may feel like describing using a social construct.

    SC
  • RaulMoonPride

    Posts: 107

    Jan 16, 2016 6:10 AM GMT
    I have never felt the need to be labeled, straight guys know Im not masculine, but gay guys know also Im not fem, I like both things, Im just a pretty boy you know, and the same goes for you!
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    Jan 16, 2016 8:16 AM GMT
    Well, there is a difference between feminine and flamey. There is nothing unattractive about masculinity or femininity, but exaggerated versions of either can be a problem. There are some guys that only like feminine guys, so you should label yourself with whatever you identify with the most strongly despite its popularity; just use your words carefully as some harmless words have stigma due to it being abused, such as many "fem" guys who are actually flamboyant, making the word feminine to be a little lost in translation.

    On another note, i like feminine women and appreciate it, but I do not like flakey, ditsy, airheadish (flamboyant) females, just as much as I don't like pretending to not dislike the same shit in a male. Also someone mentioned that gender is all socially constructed, and it isn't entirely, despite all of the bullshit feminist propaganda that is fed into university campuses. There are many innate qualities men and women have based on sex cells, and there most likely always will be.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Jan 16, 2016 10:43 AM GMT
    I think it is up to you. If you think it is an honest description why not? I am sure there are many out there listing themselves as masculine seeking same that are not really butch at all, especially when they open their mouth.
  • rocketfish229

    Posts: 22

    Jan 16, 2016 9:35 PM GMT
    Just be honest and say it. You'll be better off doing that in the long run. I've been on Grindr and lately noticed some actually really attractive men who have "ONLY FEMS" in their profiles. Some guys want a manly man and some guys just don't. You'd have an easier time finding someone genuinely interested in you if you're blunt.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jan 16, 2016 11:22 PM GMT
    RaulMoonPride saidI have never felt the need to be labeled, straight guys know Im not masculine, but gay guys know also Im not fem, I like both things, Im just a pretty boy you know, and the same goes for you!


    Yeah just own who you are. People will be able to tell from your profile anyway.

    I usually go for masculine guys but when I've dated more effeminate guys it was because they were just themselves and didn't care what anyone else thought. In a way they helped me to be more comfortable with my sexuality their confidence rubbed off on me. So what others perceive as a weakness is a strength.

    Femininity in a guy can also bring out the more masculine nurturing and protective side of a guy. I noticed feminine guys can bring out that side of me. What I don't like is when people are playing a role. I dislike that bitchy vindictive side of some people.
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    Jan 17, 2016 1:07 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    MGINSD saidTelling it like it is is never wrong. The only issue is the question of timing. "Don't spill all your candy in the lobby."


    Well, I don't gush out everything when I meet someone but I'd just want them to know that I'm not what they are thinking (flamboyant)

    Amira saidI'm one that feels labels don't add to substance to fleshing out character. Profiles that read with fleshing out a person's personality is what appeals. It's just like reading a book, a great author doesn't tell you what the character does, they paint a picture of their actions that ultimately allows yet he reader to visualize those actions vividly. So in other words you don't have to resort to words that carry a certain stigma because that's all people will think about, the negatives. icon_surprised.gificon_smile.gif


    Yeah, I'll have to try something like that.
    I'm
    Alpha13 saidI think they should remove some letters from LGBT and add F. I think it
    is the most significant characteristic of gay type.


    You kinda lost me...


    It's the big divide in gaydom, that is men that are into men ( homosexuals) or males that identify as feminine..... and everything in between. I really can't call a male that identifies as a female homosexual. Transsexuals I know behave as heterosexuals.
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    Jan 17, 2016 2:17 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said
    Radd saidI think it's a good idea to describe yourself in your profile. And since you know that being fem could be a deal breaker for many guys, it's a good idea to filter out the guys you know will not be into you.


    Yeah, I will try that. But it certainly feels like fem is a dealbreaker for most guys if I had to be honest and I just feel that if I didn't put it on my profile, I could try to show a guy that a fem personality doesn't have to be bad.

    But I also like cutting to the chase so I know who won't be into me.



    I agree. It's definitely a Catch-22 for sure. If you have really tough skin and don't mind investing the time then you could try leaving it out. Personally, I think it would depress me too much so I think I would state it ahead of time. Plus there's one more way to look at this you might not have thought of.....some guys will actually do a search for the terms they're into, so you might actually connect with guys you'd ordinarily never meet simply by turning up in their search results.