"Fed up with the sexual ageism in the gay community"

  • dilfforrent

    Posts: 207

    Jan 17, 2016 5:14 PM GMT
    Last night I had drinks with a friend who expressed these sentiments. Namely that youth has been valued to the point where other men his age are too busy chasing 25 year olds - unsuccessfully - to bother with him. Tons of Grindr profiles say "no old men", etc.

    Do you consider this to be a real problem? Should we as a community try to correct this? And how?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 5:38 PM GMT
    I don't think there's anything wrong with preferring to be with someone close to your own age. I am not sure how I feel about those who want to exclusively be with significantly younger or older people.
  • metta

    Posts: 39089

    Jan 17, 2016 6:26 PM GMT
    Why don't you just post this to your previous threads on this very same issue?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 6:56 PM GMT
    metta saidWhy don't you just post this to your previous threads on this very same issue?

    Pot-kettle-black much, metta?
    Personal preferences will be what they are, and should be respected to the point where they don't discriminate or harm others. But, it's the adored youth culture overall that's the problem, particularly in the US, and so many younger people these days are so embarrassingly uninformed on so many topics that not even their looks - or ridiculously inflated incomes - can overcome their hubris and ignorance. Growing old[er] is best when it's accompanied by wisdom, and provides its own comfort when it goes that route.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Jan 17, 2016 7:34 PM GMT
    ^^Young people have "ridiculously inflated incomes"? That's news to me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 7:38 PM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes said^^Young people have "ridiculously inflated incomes"? That's news to me

    Perhaps I should have said young professionals and entrepreneurs. Still, I laugh when first-year lawyers making $250K+ grow angry and glow green with envy when they learn that their MD peers routinely make much more.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 7:39 PM GMT
    If someone doesn't want you they won't be able to add to your life so you are better off without them. Americans venerate youth and abhor ageing. Our moving into the technological age only exacerbates the issue. As gay men we idolize you abd virility. Young, fit, masculine, its what most of us want to be and want to obtain. Why try to change others to fit your needs when its easier and less painful to change who you are or what you desire. Every man is not chasing youth. I've never found youth attractive. Persue the guys who actually want you and better yourself to attract those of the verge of desiring you.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jan 17, 2016 7:47 PM GMT
    Is there sexual ageism? This sounds similar to the sexual racism topic.

    When I was in my 20s I wouldn't date anyone much older than me. Maximum 8 years and 5 years younger.

    Now I'll probably go 10 years lower and 5-8 years higher depending on looks. So not much has changed.

    I find it is usually the older guys that won't date their own age. Maybe I haven't got to that age where I need to go significantly lower but I'm not chasing after guys in their 20s.

    I don't see any change in the valuation of youth. Youth has always been valued except at that time you were young so maybe you didn't notice it.

    If a younger guy wants you they will find you. My friends in the late 40s and 50s attract young guys without chasing them.

    I don't see an issue here. What is there to change? What would be more beneficial to all is more of a non sexual dialogue across all ages.

    Some of the older guys can seem predatory to younger guys and some of them do have this energy about them. So maybe if you take sex out of it there will be more dialogue and this may lead to solving the problem of 'sexual ageism'
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 7:47 PM GMT
    When it comes to dating I don't give a shit. I have my preferences too (40+ only).

    If we are talking about age discrimination in work, housing, or other legal issues that is a serious problem.

  • Jan 17, 2016 8:07 PM GMT
    There is so much damn AGEISM everywhere in the gay community. 99% of the available guys are totally off-limits to me. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like killing myself. There needs to be more dialogue about how we combat these and other social injustices. Society can change.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jan 17, 2016 8:11 PM GMT
    seekingyounger saidThere is so much damn AGEISM everywhere in the gay community. 99% of the available guys are totally off-limits to me. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like killing myself. There needs to be more dialogue about how we combat these and other social injustices. Society can change.


    How is this a social injustice?

    My question to you. Were these 99% available to you when you were younger?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 8:14 PM GMT
    seekingyounger saidThere is so much damn AGEISM everywhere in the gay community. 99% of the available guys are totally off-limits to me. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like killing myself. There needs to be more dialogue about how we combat these and other social injustices. Society can change.


    Dude your 50 years old, and your profile name is seeking younger, yet you're on a forum bitching about ageism and social injustices. Do you not find that to be hypocritical?
  • tj85016

    Posts: 4123

    Jan 17, 2016 9:03 PM GMT
    hire one icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 9:20 PM GMT
    More and more young gays want to have a more traditional life-- they want to marry. They want a lifetime of partnership. They might even want KIDS. That is all lots harder if you are 20 and your boyfriend is 50...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 9:34 PM GMT
    It's no different with the heterosexuals; straight guys are always lusting after the college age coeds.

    And it's biological from an evolutionary standpoint. If a male were to breed with an older female there's a higher probability (but not a certainty) that she won't successfully raise the offspring to adulthood. And so his genes are then less likely to survive and propagate. Whereas the males who prefer females in the prime of life are more likely to propagate their genes. There are lots of things that are hard wired in our brains by our genes, this is just one of them.
  • craycraydoesd...

    Posts: 596

    Jan 17, 2016 9:50 PM GMT
    If anything, older gay men have the benefit of a bear/daddy culture that makes them sexual beings, as opposed to older straight men who need to be "husband material" or rich in order to find a woman. Older straight men simply don't attract women clubbing at age 40 and acting like they're 20. Gays can get away with that. Occasionally gay men can "date" guys half their age without even having to be generous. That's impossible in the straight world. There's arguably far less "ageism" in the gay community relative to the straight one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 9:58 PM GMT
    Our entire society is ageist. Also, why do you equate Grindr with the gay community?
  • ManHunt

    Posts: 23

    Jan 17, 2016 9:58 PM GMT
    Males are purely physical. We are constantly looking for the best/good looking things and myself included. If David Beckham turned gay and asked me on a date, I would go with a heartbeat despite the 20 years age gap. So I understand why your friend wants to date the youth.
    BUT, this isn't ageism. Both party, your friend and the 25 year old, have the equal right to date someone that fits their preferences and most people choose to date within their age group. If I was going to ask your friend to date a 70 year old, would he?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 10:07 PM GMT
    ManHunt said Males are purely physical. We are constantly looking for the best/good looking things and myself included. If David Beckham turned gay and asked me on a date, I would go with a heartbeat despite the 20 years age gap. So I understand why your friend wants to date the youth.
    BUT, this isn't ageism. Both party, your friend and the 25 year old, have the equal right to date someone that fits their preferences and most people choose to date within their age group. If I was going to ask your friend to date a 70 year old, would he?


    You misunderstood the post. He's saying that his friend complains that too many men in his age group don't date in there age group. He's saying they date younger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 10:26 PM GMT
    From my observation, when you're an older gay, say like 42, or 40 and you want to date someone cute like a 21, 22 twink guy. You, the older guy have to be really successful, cute and together. I'm just thinking of Dustin Lance Black and Tom Daley pairing. If you're an average 40 yo, chances to bag a hot 22 yo could be slim. Because well gay men are very superficial. But if your friends or you just want to date younger, then it's your thing, prepare for rejection. There's nothing wrong with wanting to date someone in your age group either. I guess I'm not saying anything new. My advice is to date guys who are more your league/type and open to liking you back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 10:34 PM GMT
    MGINSD said
    crazycrazydoesdoes said^^Young people have "ridiculously inflated incomes"? That's news to me

    Perhaps I should have said young professionals and entrepreneurs. Still, I laugh when first-year lawyers making $250K+ grow angry and glow green with envy when they learn that their MD peers routinely make much more.

    Sounds more like the glowing green envy is striking closer to yourself - just saying...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 10:41 PM GMT
    I think it is pathetic that man in their late 40s or older try to date and only want young men.

    I have seen these older men and generally they are out of shape and are trying to recapture their youth.

    I have no problem with couples who have a large age gap.

    I just dont see the point of some 50 year old...hanging out at the latest after party or Black/White party...trying to be something they are not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 17, 2016 10:59 PM GMT
    crazycrazydoesdoes saidIf anything, older gay men have the benefit of a bear/daddy culture that makes them sexual beings, as opposed to older straight men who need to be "husband material" or rich in order to find a woman. Older straight men simply don't attract women clubbing at age 40 and acting like they're 20. Gays can get away with that. Occasionally gay men can "date" guys half their age without even having to be generous. That's impossible in the straight world. There's arguably far less "ageism" in the gay community relative to the straight one.

    ummm... maybe yes & no. Older straight men are notorious for marrying women less than half their age. I don't know if they managed it clubbing, more likely from encounters at social events. Or sometimes at work, more helpful if they themselves are the boss or own the business. But it often appears they THINK they're in they're 20s again, however it happens, classic midlife crisis of trying to recapture their youth and deny their age.

    As for older gays, I don't see too many May-December pairings. A gay who tries to act 20 when he's much above 40 just becomes a laughing stock. And no group can be crueler and more critical than our own venomous-tongued fellow gays. The senior will be mocked as a deluded, gullible old fool, and the junior guy as an opportunistic gold digger, regardless of the reality.

    When I was in my 40s and 50s myself, BTW, I did go clubbing. But acting, dressing and representing myself as exactly my age, and looking exclusively for other guys my own age.

    Not only did I find them more attractive on more levels than a kid is, but they were pretty much mine for the asking, since few others were asking them. As Benjamin Franklin so aptly observed, in extolling the benefits of dating older women: "They're so very grateful."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 18, 2016 1:12 AM GMT
    It's difficult trying to date or even be friends with guys my age. They're all chasing after the younger boy toys. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 18, 2016 1:17 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    MGINSD said
    crazycrazydoesdoes said^^Young people have "ridiculously inflated incomes"? That's news to me

    Perhaps I should have said young professionals and entrepreneurs. Still, I laugh when first-year lawyers making $250K+ grow angry and glow green with envy when they learn that their MD peers routinely make much more.

    Sounds more like the glowing green envy is striking closer to yourself - just saying...

    Just spouting more ignorance, you mean. I've been happily retired for over a year now and am doing just fine, TYVM. And, all on my own dime.