Texting someone if they say they'll text you?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2016 12:07 AM GMT
    I have a (gay) friend who is sometimes flakey with me. I'm actually better friends with his older brother (yes, THAT one), but we've become friends as well. He seems to enjoy hanging out with me, but it's usually me who is the one to extend the invitations. He rarely texts me first. Sometimes he'll even ignore my texts, though lately he's been a lot better and responds within a reasonable amount of time.

    When we hung out last week, I asked him why he doesn't text me or invite me out (since I always invite him) and he said something like "because you don't like going out". Which is sort of true, and sort of not true. I don't like going out and drinking every weekend, but I don't mind it here and there. So I told him the next time he goes to the local gay bar to ask me, because I'd love to go. He said okay. So this week, I took it upon myself to ask him if he wanted to grab drinks or go to the bar Friday (tonight) or tomorrow night. He told me he planned on going Friday with some friends and asked me if I'd like to go with them. I told him okay and to let me know the details, and he said okay.

    We ended up texting again last night and I asked him if he still planned on going and he said yeah. I again told him to let me know the plan and he said okay.

    It's 7 PM and I haven't heard from him all day. If I have plans with someone at night, usually I'll text them during the day to check to see if things are still on. I know not everyone does this, but I usually do. I know he usually goes out later (10 or so), but should I text him? Or should I wait for him?

    I don't want to be pushy and invite myself, and only want to go if he really wants me to. I just don't understand the flakiness because when we hang out, we always seem to have a good time and I do think he likes me as a friend.

    He just seems to like to keep me at a distance for some reason...
  • onelousymick

    Posts: 23

    Jan 23, 2016 8:18 AM GMT
    I think you'd be a lot saner deciding not invest so much in this guy.

    You're more than entitled to straight up ask some of the questions you have here, but from the sense gathered he could be a flakey person who makes late plans.

    Update us if you want more feedback.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 23, 2016 9:43 AM GMT

    I've been fighting with people about issues like this, be they friends or lovers since i was probably 17 years old. (i am close to 35 now).

    And I've found, that people don't change. You can brow-beat them into being a little more thoughtful for a little while but eventually they just go back to the behaviour that is easiest for them. Flakey people stay flakey.

    Even if you find someone who totally agrees with how rude and annoying it is that people do shit like this, they'll probably end up doing it to you anyways because it is so easy for people to become distracted.

    to like to keep me at a distance for some reason


    For some reason is right. People are complicated, life is complicated and you'll only drive yourself insane trying too hard to manage both.
    You've got all the information you need about this person, this is who they are. Take it personally or don't, read a lot into it or don't.


    and only want to go if he really wants me to


    If you looked like 35 year old Brad Pitt and had Bill Gates' money, i am sure you would of had many texts from him making sure you are coming.

    So i guess you have to decide for yourself, what does "really wants me to" mean?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2016 9:46 AM GMT
    What a wonderful world this would be if desperation was considered a turn on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2016 1:51 PM GMT
    onelousymick saidI think you'd be a lot saner deciding not invest so much in this guy.

    You're more than entitled to straight up ask some of the questions you have here, but from the sense gathered he could be a flakey person who makes late plans.

    Update us if you want more feedback.


    I of course ended up texting him "hey" and he replied right away and said they were going out at 10:30-11 and asked me if I wanted to go to his house at 10 first. I ended up going and we actually had a really good time.

    We got really drunk and I ended up asking him straight up "be honest, were you really going to text me?". His response was "of course, I literally didn't know what the plans were until right before you texted me."

    Who knows, but I had a good time so I guess that's all that matters. Hopefully he sees me as a fun person and we can hang out more often.
  • onelousymick

    Posts: 23

    Jan 23, 2016 8:30 PM GMT
    ant811 said

    I of course ended up texting him "hey" and he replied right away and said they were going out at 10:30-11 and asked me if I wanted to go to his house at 10 first. I ended up going and we actually had a really good time.

    We got really drunk and I ended up asking him straight up "be honest, were you really going to text me?". His response was "of course, I literally didn't know what the plans were until right before you texted me."

    Who knows, but I had a good time so I guess that's all that matters. Hopefully he sees me as a fun person and we can hang out more often.




    One question for yourself is what you hope to get out of the friendship? Are you relying on him for further social interactions with others and do you have other friends you can invest in?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2016 12:27 AM GMT
    This is why I don't bother with friends of any age or gender anymore. People are flakes and I eat flakes does breakfast sometimes. I don't invest my time in people anymore.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 24, 2016 12:45 AM GMT
    I don't invest my time in people anymore.


    That's a good way to become a serial killer. icon_smile.gif

    I think it's all about managing expectations. If you realise people are shitty, it's easier to just go with the flow and treat them accordingly.

    I heard a line in a movie or something that went like this: "it's vanity to expect people's best"

    And i think that is pretty true. You can't really go through life without some investment in others, we're social creatures and it's just not what we're designed for. We're always looking for feedback from the group. It's really kind of harrowing at times, if you are a thoughtful person or a manipulative person (depending on how you look at it) trying to do things to foster good relationships, getting much less back in return.


    It's better for you, for us (cause i pretty much hate people too to a degree), to find some sort of balance, method, that allows for social interaction without such blatant negative consequences. For that, you need to figure out what it is about people that fucks with you, and just find a way to make yourself more immune.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2016 3:29 AM GMT
    badbug said"it's vanity to expect people's best"



    I fucking love this
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 24, 2016 8:18 AM GMT
    There definitely seems to be something wrong.
    My advice is to stop wasting your time texting him, and stop wasting your time sitting by the phone waiting for him to text you.
    It seems obvious that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
    That doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you.
    It means that you should go out by yourself, or with other friends.
    Or, develop some new friends...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2016 9:29 PM GMT
    Webster666 said develop some new friends...


    +1

    Some people are just flakes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2016 12:34 AM GMT
    Ask his older brother why he doesn't text you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2016 4:44 AM GMT
    A superior invention was invented in 1857. It's called a telephone. Use it. It's much more effective. Simply call him, and indulge in the art of conversation. You can't go wrong.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 26, 2016 2:32 PM GMT
    I have a friend a little like you. Takes it very personally if someone flakes out. Treats any agreement to hang out or meet up as a contract written in blood. That sort of thing. He has ended, or at least put on probation, several friendships over this.

    It seems like you have a few choices for how to feel about this friend's flakiness and how to react to it.

    You can feel like he's doing it maliciously, because he doesn't really want to spend time with you. In which case, you can either try to force him to change his behavior, which probably won't work, or you can give up on the friendship. At least the hanging out part of it. Or you can try to adjust how you feel about the situation... Chances are he's just a flaky person and it has nothing to do with you, and harping on him about it is just going to make you sound like someone's codependent girlfriend. If you really just can't deal with flaky people, you might be happier not trying.

    Or you can feel like he's probably being honest with you when he tells you he does want to hang out, especially when he's said it repeatedly, even when you confront him about it, and just accept that he's flaky. If you feel like you don't hang out as much as you would both enjoy, you can either continue to take the initiative most of the time when it comes to hanging out, or you can just accept that he's not going to invite you out that often and enjoy it when he does. Maybe he's got a lot of friends and doesn't always hang out with every one of them every time. Maybe he likes you just fine but has other friends that don't and he compartmentalizes his friends so that everyone gets along. There could be any number of valid reasons that have nothing to do with how he feels about you. And if he makes plans and seems to flake out, or doesn't text hours ahead to make sure you're still up for whatever, maybe he just doesn't think to do that sort of thing.

    Either way, your happiness is up to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2016 5:17 PM GMT
    My MO is to give people a deadline to confirm or cancel an appointment. Here's the language that I typically use: "If we're still on for [day] at [time], please text, call or email me by [date/time]. If I don't hear from you then, I will assume we're not meeting and I will make other plans." This accomplishes two things: (a) I avoid having to wait for someone indefinitely, and (b) it gives me enough time to make an alternate plan in the event I don't hear from the other person. It works all the time.