What is your relationship like with your father?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 24, 2016 7:44 PM GMT
    Curious...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2016 6:49 AM GMT
    A wonderful relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2016 7:13 AM GMT
    It's alright. He and I talk but it's not as close as my relationship with my mother. Still, he's a good man and I love him for it.
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    Jan 26, 2016 7:28 AM GMT
    Non existent. I use to hold a lot of anger in my heart because of it. Its damn near destroyed a relationship in the past when my ex's emotional distance unconsciously reminded me of being abandoned by my father at 8. I worked very hard to process those feelings. I can honestly say not only have I forgiven my father but I empathize with him because he dealt with the same as a child.

    Looking back at my relationship with my ex and seeing the different paths we took, me growing to love myself in ways I couldn't understand five years ago. Him going back into the closet and seemingly giving up on his dreams some keeps coming back to me. I remember knowing that these daddy issues would end causing me to destroy the relationship. I remember deciding that I loved this man and deserved to be in a loving relationship. I remember deciding to process these emotions. I remember exploring why I was terrified of being abandoned, thinking I wasn't good enough, taking on the burdens of others because had I taken on the burdens of the adults who were supposed to raise me, they would have stayed and protected me. I remember him telling me I like being unhappy. The truth is had I not gone through all that I'd most likely have ended up with HIV,dead, in prison, beaten, abused, or a host of other bad outcomes. Instead I'm happy, proud, and hopeful of the future.

    I think in 2017 I'll seek him out. It won't be hard. I know his profession and what city he lives in. I'm honestly hoping he meets me with calmness because this doesn't have to be emotional. What happened happened and I have too much to look forward to hold on to the anger of a child.
  • metta

    Posts: 39107

    Jan 26, 2016 7:52 AM GMT
    Good! icon_smile.gif
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 26, 2016 9:16 AM GMT

    My father died in a plane crash when i was 8.

    Before that i think it was pretty typical for a father and son in the 1980s. He wasn't overly affectionate and kind of scary, but he also allowed me a great deal of freedom.

    At the age of 6, i had a motorbike i could ride around on when the family went camping, which was often, as well as a .22 rifle, an actual rifle that i would go out into the forest with and shoot targets. I would bring a large box of ammunition stuffed into my jacket, my rifle slung around my shoulder and off i'd go on my little motorbike that had the throttle altered so i couldn't go full speed, and spend hours in the forest pretending i was some sort of army man. I was mildly scared of bears, but i had a gun and figured they'd just be scared away anyhow. And there were bears, a camping trip almost never went by without seeing one.


    I think his dying and his allowing or encouraging me to think for myself and act for myself, lead me to both be able to and seek to use his death as a way to establish my own independence early. I think fighting my mother and my elder siblings so early in my life to be left to my own devices as much as i thought fair and reasonable lead me down a very different path than would of been likely had he lived.

    It's not something i can know. But i often have heard "you'd be very different if your dad was around" from many a relation. It's funny, it's meant to be a sort of insult or repudiation but i see it as a sort of jealous acclaim. That my much older siblings all turned out pretty normal in their thinking and acting compared to myself. There is an envy that i got to make my own decisions with my life even if they deem that i made poorer ones than if it wasn't so.






  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 26, 2016 9:27 AM GMT
    The truth is had I not gone through all that I'd most likely have ended up with HIV,dead, in prison, beaten, abused, or a host of other bad outcomes. Instead I'm happy


    That's nice to hear.

    Abandonment issues are tough. Oddly enough, i imagine mine are more to do with the fact my crazy mother stayed rather than my dad dying. lol

    I could be wrong of course.

  • interestingch...

    Posts: 694

    Jan 26, 2016 9:33 AM GMT
    He died of cancer nearly 8 years ago but even though we clashed occasionally because I guess we were pretty similar in many ways, I always knew he had my back if I needed it, he was more childish than me so didn't have much to rebel against, he used to get wasted on drink or weed, even mushrooms sometimes, I only drank occasionally and nothing has changed there really, about once a year. He lived life to the full whereas I am more reserved and travel independently, he was a very successful businessman but I am not so much. So although there were some differences in our characters the conflicts we had between us were usually resolved fairly quickly and forgotten about, all in, I think I was pretty lucky to have him as my father even though he was a pain in the butt sometimes, but aren't we all every now and again.
  • eM_Jay

    Posts: 90

    Jan 26, 2016 11:42 AM GMT
    Getting better after years of clashing and abuse. He used to be an alcoholic who beat his wife and kids loads for years and that kept me scared and voiceless. Took some time and lots of therapy+love (from my then secret bf); but it made me stronger and i left 'home'soon as i could, albeit with all the style and pizzazz of an emotional wreck. Fast forward to now, he's recovering and trying to rebuild some bridges he burnt and i'm...reciprocating. Ofcourse being the person he is he still doesn't understand how i can love a man; but since he's learning that his version of love was far from perfect i'm trying to give things a wee bit of a shot. More for my sake if i'm honest- I'm learning how to trust again bit by bit...
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Jan 26, 2016 12:46 PM GMT
    Pretty good.
    I can speak with him about anything. Although I won't be asking for relationship advice. I'm sure he still wishes I was straight and had kids but I'm not expecting a perfect relationship.
  • Antarktis

    Posts: 213

    Jan 26, 2016 12:59 PM GMT
    Good, I admire him.
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    Jan 26, 2016 1:21 PM GMT
    Overall I have good memories of my late Father, and Mother, too. He was very remote & stern in some respects, and often dour in appearance, but then he came from an older generation (born 1911) where that was more typical. And his own Father died when my Dad was only 9, so he didn't have a father figure to emulate for very long. I think being a father himself was always a bit of a puzzle and a challenge to him.

    But he was also very generous, and had a wonderful, silly sense of humor that you'd never guess was there. Because it was always delivered with a completely straight face, a kinda subversive "gottcha" humor where he'd catch you off guard, saying and doing the unexpected. He never told jokes nor appeared to try to be comical, his humor was spontaneous and based on his own sly view of the world.

    Though a first-generation immigrant, in later years I recognized he sorta had an old-fashioned New England way of making you laugh. Where he kept the joke mostly to himself, and you were expected to figure it out for yourself. I honestly think his oblique manner helped to make me a better critical thinker. His jokes weren't handed to you, you hadda work to figure them out yourself.

    I miss him now, though he'd have to be 105 if he were alive today. There's so much I'd want to show him, to talk to him about, get his opinion. He was insatiably curious about everything until the day he died at nearly 85. Unlike some old people who go into a kinda mental "lock-down" mode after a certain point in their lives.

    And those are his 3 traits & legacies I value most, if I can attain them: his humor, his generosity, and his curiosity. I'm proud to be my Father's son (and my Mother's, another long story), I just wish I could be as good at what he did as he was.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 26, 2016 3:00 PM GMT
    Not bad. I keep my distance from most of my family. We all get along pretty well, but I prefer family in small doses...
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    Jan 26, 2016 5:21 PM GMT
    badbug saidThe truth is had I not gone through all that I'd most likely have ended up with HIV,dead, in prison, beaten, abused, or a host of other bad outcomes. Instead I'm happy


    That's nice to hear.

    Abandonment issues are tough. Oddly enough, i imagine mine are more to do with the fact my crazy mother stayed rather than my dad dying. lol

    I could be wrong of course.



    The crazy mother who stayed part resonates with me. When I look at it from a distance I don't know why my mother has abandonment issues. Both of her parents stayed together until my grandfather died of cancer when I was seven or eight. She is truly afraid of being abandoned but treats people in ways that make them want to flee for there lives. Having my father in my life would have been a nice buffer against my mother's oppressive negativity. The man was the most boring nerd on earth so I am sure I would have done better in school had he been in my life. My God was he boring.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 26, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    Great. My father is still a role model for me. He's a business owner, very pragmatic, ethical, and hardworking. He's turning 60 this year, and he has gray hair, a gray beard and very pale grayish-blue eyes. He's been married to my mom for 37 years, and he's a huge 'Star Trek' fan.
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    Jan 26, 2016 6:45 PM GMT
    I have a very good relationship with my father. I knew that he would be the more accepting one among my parents, if I came out. That's what exactly happened. My mother said few hurtful things, but my father supported me without saying anything. Yes, he was crying like my mother, but at the end, he listened to me, and tried to understand how difficult it would have been for me growing up with this secret.
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    Jan 26, 2016 6:57 PM GMT
    badbug said
    My father died in a plane crash when i was 8.

    Before that i think it was pretty typical for a father and son in the 1980s. He wasn't overly affectionate and kind of scary, but he also allowed me a great deal of freedom.

    At the age of 6, i had a motorbike i could ride around on when the family went camping, which was often, as well as a .22 rifle, an actual rifle that i would go out into the forest with and shoot targets. I would bring a large box of ammunition stuffed into my jacket, my rifle slung around my shoulder and off i'd go on my little motorbike that had the throttle altered so i couldn't go full speed, and spend hours in the forest pretending i was some sort of army man. I was mildly scared of bears, but i had a gun and figured they'd just be scared away anyhow. And there were bears, a camping trip almost never went by without seeing one.


    I think his dying and his allowing or encouraging me to think for myself and act for myself, lead me to both be able to and seek to use his death as a way to establish my own independence early. I think fighting my mother and my elder siblings so early in my life to be left to my own devices as much as i thought fair and reasonable lead me down a very different path than would of been likely had he lived.

    It's not something i can know. But i often have heard "you'd be very different if your dad was around" from many a relation. It's funny, it's meant to be a sort of insult or repudiation but i see it as a sort of jealous acclaim. That my much older siblings all turned out pretty normal in their thinking and acting compared to myself. There is an envy that i got to make my own decisions with my life even if they deem that i made poorer ones than if it wasn't so.


    sorry to hear that






  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 26, 2016 7:07 PM GMT
    ^Bonifacius, you do have a heart in there!icon_razz.gif
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jan 26, 2016 11:26 PM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    badbug saidThe truth is had I not gone through all that I'd most likely have ended up with HIV,dead, in prison, beaten, abused, or a host of other bad outcomes. Instead I'm happy


    That's nice to hear.

    Abandonment issues are tough. Oddly enough, i imagine mine are more to do with the fact my crazy mother stayed rather than my dad dying. lol

    I could be wrong of course.



    The crazy mother who stayed part resonates with me. When I look at it from a distance I don't know why my mother has abandonment issues. Both of her parents stayed together until my grandfather died of cancer when I was seven or eight. She is truly afraid of being abandoned but treats people in ways that make them want to flee for there lives. Having my father in my life would have been a nice buffer against my mother's oppressive negativity. The man was the most boring nerd on earth so I am sure I would have done better in school had he been in my life. My God was he boring.

    i can relate to ur story more than i'd like...father/men play an important role in a childs up bringing..i dnt hv a relationship with my dad..he was nva around wen i was a kid and wen i tried hving 1 with him when i was 22..he was more of a drama queen than i'd want him to be..i have since moved on and made peace with the fact that i nva had a male role model growing to guide me in choice i made and how i learn from my mistake..to encourage me to do better in my failia..its a proccess but hope u hv a better experience with ur dad as u want to seek him.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 27, 2016 3:56 AM GMT

    My dad was a star trek fan too. From a very early age i wanted to sleep with hot green alien women. The sad part is, i am not even joking. At 6 years old, i was fantasising about seducing some green alien chick, which i think is kind of fucked up for a 6 year old to look at the world.

    This of course, is where i am sure the crazy mother part comes in. She was a frantic person, often really nice and comforting or angry and agitated. You never really knew which person you were getting or why. I can only assume that from a very early age, i had some insanely frantic swearing and angry person changing my diapers and handling me harshly and carelessly or some calming lovely person handling me with care.


    he was more childish than me so didn't have much to rebel against, he used to get wasted on drink or weed, even mushrooms sometimes


    LOL My Dad gave me my first sip of beer at, i am not sure how old, maybe 6-7? I didn't like it of course.

    The first time i got drunk i was 10. I was at a party with my older sister, i was supposed to be downstairs in the basement away from the party playing nintendo, but i snuck upstairs to talk to people and get snacks. Someone offered me a shot and that turned into a couple shots. lol

    I started drinking regularly at age 11. I am not sure if i saw it as rebelling or as growing up? Drinking was just such a part of my family life. Everyone drank, and my older siblings who were much older were all drinking often too. The first time i did drugs though, smoked pot, at age 12 i did feel like i was doing something "bad". I enjoyed that feeling, the feeling that it was "forbidden" immensely. Also it was crazy fun getting high.

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    Jan 27, 2016 3:59 AM GMT
    My dad is cool. He loves me and my partner.
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    Jan 27, 2016 4:03 AM GMT
    I wish I can have a vision of him again.

  • RaulMoonPride

    Posts: 107

    Jan 27, 2016 4:06 AM GMT
    Not so good, he is working abroad and havent seen him in a while, last time, he told me he was dissapointed of me (for being gay), that I would never be a good engineer, but that he loves me and I have to help my brothers in all what I can.
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    Jan 27, 2016 4:31 AM GMT
    He died in 1998.We had no relationship.He was a cold,nasty hypocrite and I am happy he is long gone.
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    Jan 27, 2016 12:27 PM GMT
    Aussie4Love saidI wish I can have a vision of him again.



    WTF lmao