No quid pro quo

  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 2:53 AM GMT
    I love my boyfriend very much. We've been together for nearly a decade, and I'm in this relationship for the long haul. But there's one thing that kinda frustrates me: our sex life sometimes seems somewhat one-sided...

    For example, I enjoy giving oral sex, and I do so nearly every time we have sex. But rarely does he return the favor. Maybe once or twice a year...? Similarly, I sometimes swallow because he seems to really enjoy it when I do, but he has only done that once and it was back when we first got together. Never again since then.

    I get that maybe he just doesn't like giving head, and I totally get that he might not like to swallow. But it doesn't seem fair. Yes, that sounds childish even to me, but I want to enjoy those things and I'm more than willing to do them for him, so I feel like he should reciprocate. Intellectually, I understand that the fact that I like giving BJs means I get something out of it when I give him one, and part of me tries to convince the rest of me that I shouldn't expect him to do anything he doesn't really want to do, but I still feel dissatisfied with this aspect of our relationship and I worry that it's going to become a real problem if it either doesn't change or I can't come to grips with it.

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2016 3:07 AM GMT
    Talk to him about it. I don't give as much head as my boyfriend because it hurts my jaw, but I still do it sometimes. Giving oral is more about the giver than the receiver anyway...
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 3:17 AM GMT
    More about the giver than the receiver? You really think so. I guess not being on the receiving side very often skews my opinion of that dynamic, but when I give a BJ I'm pretty focused on trying to make him feel good more than myself.

    I have thought about discussing it with him, but I don't want to seem petty or childish or like I'm keeping some kind of score in our relationship. Even though, to be honest, I guess I do in a way or I wouldn't have posted this. Maybe that makes me a selfish person. What can I say? "Hey, how come you never suck my dick?" I feel like the answer is probably just, "Well, 'cuz I don't like to...icon_neutral.gif" And if that's true, who am I to say, "Suck it anyway!"?
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 3:24 AM GMT
    Oh, and does your bf believe the story about your jaw...? I mean, if my jaw hurt, I'd still find a way, even if I just did a lot of licking and stroking with my hands. Just something more engaging than just a handjob... But like I said, I really like to give head, so...
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Jan 25, 2016 3:25 AM GMT

    What thoughts can there be?

    You're a pushover. Beyond the sexual aspect of your relationship, i wonder what other ways you have been taken advantage of.

    It's perhaps your own fault for not being assertive enough.

    Work out a compromise you can live with.

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    Jan 25, 2016 3:43 AM GMT
    mjlikeaboss saidOh, and does your bf believe the story about your jaw...? I mean, if my jaw hurt, I'd still find a way, even if I just did a lot of licking and stroking with my hands. Just something more engaging than just a handjob... But like I said, I really like to give head, so...


    He believes it. My jaw locks up if I do it too long and I can't close it. It finally SNAPS shut really hard, it's awful. He's put his hand on my cheek before when that happens to feel it snap shut. That said, I DO give him oral, but not as much as I get it.
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    Jan 25, 2016 3:44 AM GMT
    If he doesn't like giving you a blowjob, is there something he does for you that you really enjoy? I understand the "keeping score" mentality but maybe you can open your mind to how points are scored?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2016 3:45 AM GMT
    mjlikeaboss saidMore about the giver than the receiver? You really think so. I guess not being on the receiving side very often skews my opinion of that dynamic, but when I give a BJ I'm pretty focused on trying to make him feel good more than myself.

    I have thought about discussing it with him, but I don't want to seem petty or childish or like I'm keeping some kind of score in our relationship. Even though, to be honest, I guess I do in a way or I wouldn't have posted this. Maybe that makes me a selfish person. What can I say? "Hey, how come you never suck my dick?" I feel like the answer is probably just, "Well, 'cuz I don't like to...icon_neutral.gif" And if that's true, who am I to say, "Suck it anyway!"?



    Good point at the end. I'd still just tell him that's something you want from him sexually. If my bf asked for it, I'd totally do it without hesitation or reservation. I might not do it for a super long time, but I would oblige as best I could. Give him a chance.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 4:01 AM GMT
    I will try to keep an open mind about the score keeping thing... Don't know if I'm brave enough to talk to him about it. Maybe I AM a pushover... But it's not like he asks me for oral, much less demands it. I just do it because I want to make him feel good, and I like it too.

    I've gotta figure something out, 'cuz sometimes I'm tempted to do passive aggressive things like being "not in the mood" or finding some other way to make him feel frustrated too... :-P That ain't healthy. Besides, that probably hurts me more than him anyway since I'm pretty much always in the mood....
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Jan 25, 2016 5:31 AM GMT
    You have been in this relationship for ten years now? Try to put yourself in the shoes of your bf. The things have been like this for like ten years? He isn't saying anything, so he seems to be pretty happy with how the things have been going, rite? You haven't been saying anything, so he believes you are doing fine, too?

    It really boils down to the good ole' 'put up or shut up', doesn't it?

    You are rightly uncomfortable with the idea of keeping scores, AND actually demanding reciprocation as such. You are right. Both ideas are both childish and counterproductive.

    Good sex is really not about imposed reciprocation or imposed versatility where there is none. It is about doing what you enjoy to please your partner, and motivating your partner to do what he enjoys in order to please you.

    SC
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 3:11 PM GMT
    You're right. If he doesn't know there's a problem, he can't fix it... It's just hard because I kinda feel like it's my problem, or at least that he's not to blame for not wanting to do something. If that's even really what's going on.... I guess I need to man up and talk to him about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2016 6:13 PM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    Hard for me to put myself in the place of someone who says he didn't know his own sexuality by the time he hit his late 20s though I've a friend coming out in his 50s as omnisexual after a lifetime of hetero so I suppose any of that's possible.

    Could also be a situation whereby a person's sexual inclinations altered such that what might have satisfied you then might not complete you now.

    But what if his sexuality hasn't swayed? You'd want sexuality to be as compatible as possible in the area of attraction--ie not eating cunt if ya don't want or not getting fucked in the ass if that grosses you out--but not all of sexuality is reciprocal in preference and some of that is by chemistry.

    Not to burst any bubble, but just because your boyfriend might not get off on sucking your dick, doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't get off sucking someone else's.

    I've always said "a top is a guy who sucks dick, just not yours."

    That doesn't mean your relationship is incompatible into the future but also it doesn't mean that the chemistry is going to magically change to fit your circumstance. We're not jigsaw puzzle pieces and even if you find a fit, over time, those edges might nick bend or fray.

    A practical option if you are so inclined is to open your relationship so that you and your primary partner can maintain what you love about each other while also allowing you (and him if required) to enjoy aspects of your sexuality not satisfied in your primary relationship. That might mean all out open, a few times a year, a birthday surprise, however a couple decides upon.

    But if you think you are going to change someone else's tab to fit your newly realized blank without doing any damage, good luck with that. You may find he's got some bendy pieces or you may find the puzzle breaks.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 25, 2016 11:01 PM GMT
    Ya know, you don't have to make a Federal case about it. My guy loves getting head. I like giving it but usually he wants it late at night after dinner with wine (or something smokable) and sometimes I'm just very comfortable vegging in front of the TV. We snuggle a lot in front of the TV so his subtle way of letting me know is to grab my head and gently force it down into his lap. kidding, it's really just a game but I get the message. If I'm just not up for it right then, I can beg off but I make sure to catch him in the morning which he also loves. Sounds like you need to work on your communication. But it doesn't have to be a big serious thing. Another approach you might try is to just say very loudly "HEY!! GIMMIE HEAD!!" Keep little miscommunications little.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 25, 2016 11:34 PM GMT
    Lol! Somehow I don't think yelling "GIMMIE HEAD!!!" will do the trick, but hey, might be worth a shot! The oral thing is really just an example anyway. It's more that I feel like I give more than I get in general. I hate that I feel that way because it seems childish and selfish, but it's how I feel and I can't figure out how to change it.

    So I ffeel like my options are to deal with things as they are and get over it (which hasn't worked so far), give less so that what I give matches what I get (which seems like a lose-lose option), or talk to him about it so we can work something out that makes us both happy. Soooo... Gonna try option 3. As soon as I grow a pair.... Yeah, communication ain't my strong suit, I guess. I need to figure out how to talk about stuff without it being a serious talk. I think it's good advice, just need practice, I guess.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 28, 2016 5:01 AM GMT
    Well, I talked to him... I told him how I felt, not really taking about the oral thing specifically, but in general. He listened and then just kinda looked sad and said, "Hmm... Okay..." And got really quiet for a while... I waited in uncomfortable silence for as long as I could stand and then asked if he was okay or mad or what. He said he wasn't sure what to think yet, but that he kinda felt a little hurt. That's exactly what I didn't want...

    So I gave him some more time to think while I worried I'd done the wrong thing by bringing it up. But then we talked some more and I was able to explain myself a little better and he explained some things too, including some things he was dissatisfied with. It was actually a very good conversation. Long story short we're okay and we're gonna try to do some things a little differently and communicate better in the future. So the story has a happy ending, so to speak.

    Thanks for the advice and encouragement!
  • mesa999

    Posts: 17

    Jan 28, 2016 5:57 AM GMT
    At least your boyfriend let's you have sex. You definitely have a leg up on my there! ):