relationship advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2016 7:10 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Back on RJ! I wasn't here much in the summer because I was dating a wonderful guy. We agreed to break up and keep in touch when I moved up to Toronto. In October, I hooked up with a really hot guy and we started to see each other roughly once a week. Often we had sex, sometimes we went out to eat, sometimes we went walking around parks. We never indicated to each other that we were dating, but it felt like we were kinda sorta dating informally.

    In the past I have always gawked in disbelief when guys would get on here and say that they wanted to break up with someone because they were "sexually incompatible". However, I find myself in a similar position. David and I met off of Grindr, and before we met we discussed the inevitable question "What are you into?". In our back and forth exchange, he made it clear that he was not all that into oral sex and only liked oral sex as foreplay before anal sex. He indicated that he was exclusively a top. He described himself as an "assertive yet caring top", and from experience I can affirm that that is true. He noted that he had a 10 inch cock. I told him that I was willing to try to bottom for him but that it probably wouldn't fit in. We agreed to meet and see how it went.

    Sparing many unnecessary details, I can say that I doubt I will ever be able to bottom for him. He is very skilled and gentle, but sex with him is just too physically painful for me. We barely succeeded once, so for the most part we've had to work around it. He took two months of vacation to go touring around South America and Central America, so my body has had time to recover (it took about 6 weeks for my behind to feel normal again). He is supposed to return next week and I am secretly fretting his arrival. Like I said, I am perfectly fine now physically, but I feel very certain that his cock is simply too big for me and I feel quite certain that he won't be satisfied sexually without anal sex.

    I will say that I find him very attractive, and we mesh well together personally. He is smart and educated, and our conversations are always very good. He's the sort of man I could take home and my mom would approve. I will also say that I have not "fallen in love" with him, and I fell a good deal harder for my previous two boyfriends than I have for David. As I write this now, my heart is not fluttering as I think of him, though maybe that's because I haven't seen him in two months. I do feel, however, that under normal circumstances I would continue to see him and explore dating him, but after he set off for South America and I set off to Texas for Christmas, I just haven't felt like I want to continue building toward dating him. I feel that I need to explain to him that I will not be able to bottom for him, and I don't know what his reaction will be. He indicated before we met that sexually-speaking he was just really into anal sex (I never had anal sex with either of my previous two boyfriends, and I was perfectly happy in those relationships). However, we have not discussed any of this since we met, I think because we like each other and didn't want to worry too much. Even if we agreed to take anal sex off of the table, I feel that that would simply be a major capitulation to me in the short-term and I don't know how sustainable that would be for him in the long-term.

    My mind is in a place now that I'd prefer to explore getting to know other guys even if David and I do keep in touch. Do y'all have any recommendations or words of advice? I hope I was fairly clear.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 26, 2016 3:45 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have it pretty well figured out: you feel like you just want to be friends. That said, did you come to that conclusion after an internal dialogue with imaginary David in which you said you couldn't bottom for him and in which he responded that if that's true then the relationship is over? If you're really being 100% honest with yourself and you really feel like the relationship doesn't have a long term future, I'd say you should end it on good terms. But if the concern is entirely about the anal sex, and you are sub-concsciously backing off to avoid being hurt when he rejects you for it, then you should give the guy a chance to respond. Maybe he likes you enough that he's willing to try different things in the bedroom, and maybe you guys can find a way to work it out. if not, well, you were honest with him and you haven't done anything wrong. It isn't anyone's fault that you two don't physically fit together. Better to back it off before either of you gets too invested that you won't be able to stay friends after.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2016 1:04 PM GMT
    you could open up the relationship to allow other guys to satisfy his sexual desires and you can be the partner offering emotional and financial support.
  • mjlikeaboss

    Posts: 70

    Jan 27, 2016 1:34 PM GMT
    I have only known two couples that had an open relationship... It seemed to work for one of them, though I don't know how things are now. Been years since I saw them. The other couple ended up getting a nasty divorce with restraining orders and shit. So I never really know what to think of the idea, other than that I don't think I would like it...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2016 2:46 PM GMT
    Yeah, sounds like this wasn't meant to be. Good luck sorting it out, I hope you guys at least remain friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2016 5:30 PM GMT
    both men move around a lot. get your situation stable and live in the same city for a few weeks+

    oral & anal not a new trend. been around for years. get to a point you can share with someone and/or find someone on the same track.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2016 9:50 AM GMT
    You're not in love with him. You don't want the kind of sex he has to have. It would not make any sense for you to pursue a relationship with him. Psxxx had a great suggestion - for him to have sex with other guys (open relationships do work) - but that makes no sense if you two don't love each other. Toronto is full of gay men. You will eventually meet someone else that you can both fall in love with and enjoy sex with. Put him in the friend zone, if he is willing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 28, 2016 1:12 PM GMT
    HikerSkier saidYou're not in love with him. You don't want the kind of sex he has to have. It would not make any sense for you to pursue a relationship with him. Psxxx had a great suggestion - for him to have sex with other guys (open relationships do work) - but that makes no sense if you two don't love each other. Toronto is full of gay men. You will eventually meet someone else that you can both fall in love with and enjoy sex with. Put him in the friend zone, if he is willing.


    This is good advice.

    If he were the love of your life, you might find a way to make it work.
    But he isn't.
    Sooner or later you will meet someone who makes your heart beat faster AND has good sex with you.

    Patience.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jan 28, 2016 5:46 PM GMT
    KJSharp saidHey guys,

    Back on RJ! I wasn't here much in the summer because I was dating a wonderful guy. We agreed to break up and keep in touch when I moved up to Toronto. In October, I hooked up with a really hot guy and we started to see each other roughly once a week. Often we had sex, sometimes we went out to eat, sometimes we went walking around parks. We never indicated to each other that we were dating, but it felt like we were kinda sorta dating informally.

    In the past I have always gawked in disbelief when guys would get on here and say that they wanted to break up with someone because they were "sexually incompatible". However, I find myself in a similar position. David and I met off of Grindr, and before we met we discussed the inevitable question "What are you into?". In our back and forth exchange, he made it clear that he was not all that into oral sex and only liked oral sex as foreplay before anal sex. He indicated that he was exclusively a top. He described himself as an "assertive yet caring top", and from experience I can affirm that that is true. He noted that he had a 10 inch cock. I told him that I was willing to try to bottom for him but that it probably wouldn't fit in. We agreed to meet and see how it went.

    Sparing many unnecessary details, I can say that I doubt I will ever be able to bottom for him. He is very skilled and gentle, but sex with him is just too physically painful for me. We barely succeeded once, so for the most part we've had to work around it. He took two months of vacation to go touring around South America and Central America, so my body has had time to recover (it took about 6 weeks for my behind to feel normal again). He is supposed to return next week and I am secretly fretting his arrival. Like I said, I am perfectly fine now physically, but I feel very certain that his cock is simply too big for me and I feel quite certain that he won't be satisfied sexually without anal sex.

    I will say that I find him very attractive, and we mesh well together personally. He is smart and educated, and our conversations are always very good. He's the sort of man I could take home and my mom would approve. I will also say that I have not "fallen in love" with him, and I fell a good deal harder for my previous two boyfriends than I have for David. As I write this now, my heart is not fluttering as I think of him, though maybe that's because I haven't seen him in two months. I do feel, however, that under normal circumstances I would continue to see him and explore dating him, but after he set off for South America and I set off to Texas for Christmas, I just haven't felt like I want to continue building toward dating him. I feel that I need to explain to him that I will not be able to bottom for him, and I don't know what his reaction will be. He indicated before we met that sexually-speaking he was just really into anal sex (I never had anal sex with either of my previous two boyfriends, and I was perfectly happy in those relationships). However, we have not discussed any of this since we met, I think because we like each other and didn't want to worry too much. Even if we agreed to take anal sex off of the table, I feel that that would simply be a major capitulation to me in the short-term and I don't know how sustainable that would be for him in the long-term.

    My mind is in a place now that I'd prefer to explore getting to know other guys even if David and I do keep in touch. Do y'all have any recommendations or words of advice? I hope I was fairly clear.


    If you read your own post you'll discover that you have answered most of your questions, too.

    First off, neither he nor you felt any need to start calling it 'dating'. Apparently, neither one of you wanted to express any desire towards any kind of future commitment.

    Second off, you mash famously, AND your Mom would approve of him, but you have not fallen in love with him.

    Third off, there is this looming sex incompatibility issue which matters, too.

    This is why gay men have this wonderful institution of being FwB with someone as long as the guys involved are available.

    Being FwB will allow you to stay perfectly non-committed. You will continue to mash famously, and even your Mom may get to enjoy his company.

    Last but not least, you may or may not choose to work on the 'benefits' part, too. Having an option is usually better than having none.

    Life is NOT ALWAYS about 'aut cesar aut nihil' scenarios. A number of wingmen in life are usually a major asset, too.

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2016 1:47 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud said

    If you read your own post you'll discover that you have answered most of your questions, too.

    Life is NOT ALWAYS about 'aut cesar aut nihil' scenarios. A number of wingmen in life are usually a major asset, too.

    SC


    "Aut Caesar aut nihil" -- the antithesis of the more commonly seen "he's not Mr. Right but he's Mr. Right Now."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2016 5:49 PM GMT
    Thanks for the responses guys, much appreciated icon_smile.gif