being the one who cares more in a relationship.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2016 10:00 AM GMT
    It just dawned on me the other day that there's no such thing as a balanced relationship.

    There is always inequality. or someone who cares more and someone who cares less.

    and now I got to the point of thinking this guy is staying w. moi, only bc someone better doesn't come long. but i dunno I might be wrong.

    HOWEVER. that is how I FEEL.

    and I feel this is my karma, bc my ex bf was always the one that cared more. and I just took advantage of circumstances. I really didn't care.

    I thought he was an ok guy but I really didn't love him or anything. I just stayed with him cos someone better didn't come along. and I guess I was using him.

    then my current bf happened, and I had to dump my ex.

    and now I'm on the other end of the giver/taker spectrum.

    we were FINE really, up until 2 months ago, that's when he got his new job as a producer supervisor at insert huge worldwide known brand here. so something changed there, he's earning more money, moved to a new apartment. and generally just progressing in his life and I feel, and maybe he does too, that I am stuck. especially if I were to compare myself to him.

    so yeah. it's not great.

    so what should one do in a situation like this?

    i think the wisest approach would be to stop caring so much. even if you feel you actually love this person.

    or would you just end it for good.

    it's killing my ego, guys. like the hiroshima bomb.

    thoughts and constructive comments welcome.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2016 7:54 PM GMT
    What do you want out of a relationship? You should give yourself an answer to that.

    It's hard for us americanos to understand italians. From the outside, you seem to be so much more passionate. Pardon me for being a bit phiolosophical here, but is there less commitment among italian gays because il Papa and the state won't let gays get married? When Italian men and women fall in love, don't they get married (usually)? But you couldn't marry a BF even if you wanted to. Maybe that encourages extended BF relationships without a lot of love, because what's the point, anyway?

    I disagree that every relationship has one who cares more than the other. But they do probably care differently than the other. Maybe it is karma. You didn't love your last BF, and he hung on. (I hope you weren't telling him that you did.) But it sounds like you love the current one. (Or am I just assuming you do?) Does he love you?

    I would never advise against feeling less, or shutting down feelings. But I get the impression you two haven't talked much about each other, your relationship, where it's going.

    If you love him, I suggest you talk to him, and tell him what you are feeling, and get him to tell you what he is feeling. Knowledge is always more valuable than suspicion. If he tells you he doesn't love you, (or no longer loves you), then of course, leave.

    I married my partner. But before we were married, we were already a partnership. No question, I would have supported him if he lost his job, taken care of him if were dying, etc. You don't say how long you two have been together - months? - but if you get to that point in a relationship, you won't have to worry about how the other one feels.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Jan 31, 2016 8:02 PM GMT
    You are right. Very few human relationships are ever totally symmetrical. A degree of asymmetry/imbalance is a given.

    You may want to stop short of projecting your past into your present. If you start believing in invoking your bad karma, you will really invoke it, usually much sooner than expected.

    The reality of life is that we all tend to compromise our dreams and ideals to a degree to meet the challenges of our daily lives. You admit to having been in LTR with your ex because, at that time, no one better happened... A few people may see this as somewhat immoral but that won't change the opportunistic nature of humanity.icon_exclaim.gif

    Your present BF has moved up in life: new job, bigger salary, new apartment. These new, shining toys are drawing much of his attention away from you, and your relationship.

    Try to see this as a positive challenge to move up a notch or two, and add value to the relationship on your part. If he only sees himself as moving up alone, sooner rather than later, he may be inclined to start believing that the relationship asymmetry is working against him. At that point, he may or may be looking for a new BF, too.

    You do not have to mimic his professional ascent. Acquire a usable, possibly marketable skill, but first and foremost, demonstrate clearly, that you, too, are growing.


    SC
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 31, 2016 8:06 PM GMT
    You see relationships as parasitic. They are not. They nourish the one you love if, in fact, you love. Sounds like you don't know what that is. Your profile basically says you like being in bed a lot. If that is your best quality, you need to rethink your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2016 9:15 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said

    If you love him, I suggest you talk to him, and tell him what you are feeling, and get him to tell you what he is feeling. Knowledge is always more valuable than suspicion. If he tells you he doesn't love you, (or no longer loves you), then of course, leave.

    I married my partner. But before we were married, we were already a partnership. No question, I would have supported him if he lost his job, taken care of him if were dying, etc. You don't say how long you two have been together - months? - but if you get to that point in a relationship, you won't have to worry about how the other one feels.


    We've been together for 10 months.

    and we do talk about the relationship. and we tell each other 'i love you' quite often. like sissies.

    icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 31, 2016 9:17 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidTry to see this as a positive challenge to move up a notch or two, and add value to the relationship on your part. If he only sees himself as moving up alone, sooner rather than later, he may be inclined to start believing that the relationship asymmetry is working against him. At that point, he may or may be looking for a new BF, too.



    SC


    thnx for the advice!


    Destinharbor saidYou see relationships as parasitic. They are not. They nourish the one you love if, in fact, you love. Sounds like you don't know what that is. Your profile basically says you like being in bed a lot. If that is your best quality, you need to rethink your life.



    do people actually take profiles seriously on here? cos