So I told my wife I'm gay ...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2016 11:49 PM GMT
    Wasn't easy.

    After 100 times taliking to an empty chair and rehearsing it in the recesses of my mind in the dark of the night, I finally got it out there.

    Feel about 100 pounds lighter.

    We have kids and it's all complex. I had thousands of hours to think about this and decide where I wanted to go with it ... but I told her I want everything to stay the same. I'm not leaving and I don't want her to leave me. We're a team ... and a good one at that. It's all new to her and lthough she didn't seem even a little surprised by my revelation, I'm just gonna take a step back now and let her decide what she wants to do with it. So far, it's cool.

    Sexual-identity and self-identity are super complex and super person specific. I would rather continue to take one for the good of the family than embark on a voyage of self-discovery that confuses my kids.

    I know who I am and now so does my wife. That's good enough for me. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.
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    Jan 31, 2016 11:52 PM GMT
    So hard.... Good luck to you. You're brave, and I hope you guys do what's best for yourselves and your family. Give your wife lots of time to process this. Be prepared for her to not want to stick around...

    I've seen this happen to numerous guys, as have most of the folks on this site, I bet. You did the right thing coming out. I hope you truly get some relief!
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    Jan 31, 2016 11:58 PM GMT
    You did the right thing!
  • tj85016

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    Jan 31, 2016 11:58 PM GMT
    lol, she must be thrilled
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    Feb 01, 2016 1:00 AM GMT
    tj85016 saidlol, she must be thrilled


    Haha. icon_biggrin.gif

    Her questions were mostly pragmatic. Who else am I planning on "coming out" to, am I looking for "permission" to have sex with men, have I had sex with men and what concerns about my fidelity should she have moving forward.

    Really, it's like she knew it was coming. It's hard to live with someone else that long and not sense something is off.

    Overall, she was super supportive and said I was born this way. All things considered, I couldn't have asked for it to have gone any better considering the subject.

    She's really pretty OK.

  • LostSailor

    Posts: 163

    Feb 01, 2016 1:00 AM GMT
    Wow...wow...and WOW!
    Your a strong man.
    Good luck.
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    Feb 01, 2016 2:36 AM GMT
    I came out to my wife as well. We have kids. Just be prepared for her supportiveness to turn. In the beginning she wanted an open relationship. Now we are in an ugly custody battle. So sad because it didn't have to be that way. Protect your rights to your kids and protect yourself financially. I later discovered she was just using me and going to divorce seminars about how to screw me. After 17 years I never ever thought that she would do the horrible things she has done. Be smart is all I'm saying. Good luck.
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    Feb 01, 2016 2:40 AM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    I've a friend going through the same thing now, only complicated by being omnisexual, so feeling he's no support in any community. He feels that his wife won't accept this and he's neither strong enough yet nor yet bursting to tell her his truth which he's only realized late in life though I can tell that pressure is building. And he hasn't told any of our friends yet and we've all known each other for 50whatever years, so, that's a long time to suddenly become who you were not or so that's how he must see it. Our last time together with a few of our other friends, he was noticeably overcompensating to the point that I had to issue him warning about taking one of our other friends to a strip club because that other guy has his own issues and I didn't want him freaked out.

    The stories on their early return were, um, well, interesting.

    O, What a tangled web we weave when it is we who we unwittingly deceive.

    Best of luck to you, be prepared for her eventually wanting a new path. I don't know the stats but I'd think that the most likely course.
  • Zigs_01

    Posts: 226

    Feb 01, 2016 3:17 AM GMT
    Are you bisexual or gay?
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    Feb 01, 2016 4:11 AM GMT
    Congrats
  • daveft

    Posts: 23

    Feb 01, 2016 4:16 AM GMT
    Congratulations on mustering up the courage to come out. You are a brave man.

    And it sounds like your wife is an amazing woman.

    Remember, as you said and others have reinforced, give her time to fully process this information.

    Be supportive of her, patient and understanding of any concerns and questions that might arise.

    In the end, whether you and your wife stay as a "team", you know you will be ok.

    The most important consideration is your kids.
    It sounds like you love them very much.

    In time and with guidance, they will understand how the family has changed but they should always feel that the love towards them has stayed the same.

    All the best to you, your wife and your family.

    Love from your RJ family. xoxo
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 01, 2016 5:21 AM GMT
    Good for you for fessing up, too bad you didn't do it while you both still young enough to start a new life. No offense, but at 46, your chances of finding an new love are slim (unless you have like millions in the bank, then it doesn't matter), so best to stick with the one you decided to love long ago. .... Good luck.
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    Feb 01, 2016 6:02 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGood for you for fessing up, too bad you didn't do it while you both still young enough to start a new life. No offense, but at 46, your chances of finding an new love are slim (unless you have like millions in the bank, then it doesn't matter), so best to stick with the one you decided to love long ago. .... Good luck.
    If its because he has millions in the bank then it wouldn't really be about love it would be about millions in the bank.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 01, 2016 7:55 AM GMT
    bk11789 said
    AMoonHawk saidGood for you for fessing up, too bad you didn't do it while you both still young enough to start a new life. No offense, but at 46, your chances of finding an new love are slim (unless you have like millions in the bank, then it doesn't matter), so best to stick with the one you decided to love long ago. .... Good luck.
    If its because he has millions in the bank then it wouldn't really be about love it would be about millions in the bank.

    Of course it's about love honey .... maybe the first attraction is the prestige, and power that comes with the money, but what is love but something that attracts you to someone. Well, at least they make you feel like it is love anyway, and who's to say that it's not love. Millions in the bank affords you the opportunity and time to find someone much more easily. If your broke, well you ain't going far and if your working class, you are going to spend so much time working that you are not going to have time to find someone else. And that pic of Granite69 in the laundry screams working class, and since he has kids, well, he is going to be doing a lot a working. Not a life style that lends itself to have much of spare time or a love life to pursue.
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    Feb 01, 2016 7:55 AM GMT
    Unless you have a sexless marriage already you will soon. She will let her imagination run wild. She will slowly cut out certain sexual positions (e.g., doggie) because she will equate that with the way men have sex. She will imagine you are fantasizing about men when you are fucking her. She will grow more and more paranoid until she shuts down and stops having sex with you all together. She will believe your entire marriage was a lie (and in her defense it sort of is). Your marriage is toast unless she slips into total denial and refuses to believe you're gay.

    My advice: file for divorce before she does and DO NOT get caught with another guy until the divorce is finalized. Her attorney will have you followed and photographed coming out of gay clubs and tricks' homes.

    I wish I could have talked to you before you told her.

    Remember: Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned.
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    Feb 01, 2016 7:59 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGood for you for fessing up, too bad you didn't do it while you both still young enough to start a new life. No offense, but at 46, your chances of finding an new love are slim (unless you have like millions in the bank, then it doesn't matter), so best to stick with the one you decided to love long ago. .... Good luck.


    I came out at 50 and never had problems finding lovers. I wound up finding love with a wonderful guy and marrying him.
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    Feb 01, 2016 8:28 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidGood for you for fessing up, too bad you didn't do it while you both still young enough to start a new life. No offense, but at 46, your chances of finding an new love are slim (unless you have like millions in the bank, then it doesn't matter), so best to stick with the one you decided to love long ago. .... Good luck.
    haha I guess I could see it that way. Although falling in love with someone because of money would definitely make them a very materialistic person :/ I just like to make enough money to live comfortably haha.
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    Feb 01, 2016 9:37 AM GMT
    Having been through a divorce myself I would also urge you to contact a lawyer right away and get advice as to how to protect yourself before something happens that take away your options. Hopefully you have done so already. It also might be good to line up an emotional support system as well, since it is probably unrealistic, although not impossible I suppose, to think that your wife will be happy with this situation after the shock wears off.
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    Feb 01, 2016 9:38 AM GMT
    I don't understand why you would stay together when you could end the marriage, still have a great relationship with her and raise your children, but both be free to find happiness and love with a compatible partner.

    It just doesn't make sense to me, I know there are kids involved but surely it must be better for them for their parents to be happy and fulfilled though not together, than together but living a charade? It seems like a punishment to me.

    Good luck to you anyway.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 01, 2016 5:13 PM GMT
    Congrats, glad you took the step and were honest, that puts you ahead of about 95% of those out there.

    So you said you plan to keep everything the same. Let me ask you, is that possible? Has your long term future the same as it was before you had the conversation with your wife?
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    Feb 01, 2016 5:16 PM GMT
    Well, thanks for all the kind words and support. icon_smile.gif

    We talked some more and it was all very level-headed. She intends to stay with me in the short term but it sounds mostly like she is going to take a managed intelligent approach to ditching me. Won't be this year or next but soon enough I suspect.

    Financially, we're pretty comfortable. Not rich, but in a real good spot. She and the kids will be able to continue in the lifestyle I've built for them without any problems and I'll just have to fend for myself once she decides it's over. That will be my rightly deserved punishment for propogating such an elaborate charade for so long.

    It's a new road for sure. Don't know where it will lead. Mostly, right now, I'm disappointed in myself for letting her down.

    Not sure about the comment about hooking up with an 18-year-old. My interest is in men my own age.
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    Feb 01, 2016 5:38 PM GMT
    Granite69 saidWell, thanks for all the kind words and support. icon_smile.gif

    We talked some more and it was all very level-headed. She intends to stay with me in the short term but it sounds mostly like she is going to take a managed intelligent approach to ditching me. Won't be this year or next but soon enough I suspect.

    Financially, we're pretty comfortable. Not rich, but in a real good spot. She and the kids will be able to continue in the lifestyle I've built for them without any problems and I'll just have to fend for myself once she decides it's over. That will be my rightly deserved punishment for propogating such an elaborate charade for so long.

    It's a new road for sure. Don't know where it will lead. Mostly, right now, I'm disappointed in myself for letting her down.

    Not sure about the comment about hooking up with an 18-year-old. My interest is in men my own age.


    I hope everything goes well. I am happy you are taking responsibility for your part in all of this. Why not just go ahead and get a divorce now and settle everything legally. Wouldn't this bring some stability and assurance to your relationship. Couldn't you guys work out a time line for when and how you will separate. I think bringing in an arbitrator who specializes in this field would be helpful. You to are treading unknown and potentially emotional waters. Why do it alone when there are people who have devoted their careers to situations like this?
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    Feb 01, 2016 5:43 PM GMT
    Definitely see your Family Law attorney ASAP. Even though you think your wife is level headed and not the kind to turn vicious or greedy, this could change rapidly once she starts getting advice from relatives, friends and co-workers. Likely, they'll suggest a ball busting attorney, who she'll engage to start a discovery - a legal method of finding out about every cent you have, as well as future earning power. Proceed with polite behavior, but expect this truce period to be short lived and not permanent. Even if you think you two are going to sit down amicably & divide your assets with just yourselves, BE CAREFUL. Her people will most likely talk her out if that. They will insist she "protect" herself and the children by engaging an attorney. Be smart and proactive. You don't have to tell her you've sought legal advice, but save yourself a lot of heartaches and do so!
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    Feb 01, 2016 5:53 PM GMT
    PulseFit saidI don't understand why you would stay together when you could end the marriage, still have a great relationship with her and raise your children, but both be free to find happiness and love with a compatible partner.

    It just doesn't make sense to me, I know there are kids involved but surely it must be better for them for their parents to be happy and fulfilled though not together, than together but living a charade? It seems like a punishment to me.

    Good luck to you anyway.


    If you've never been in a situation like this you will never understand it. I've tried to explain it to others but you really do need to have gone through it to get it. It sounds easy, but trust me when I say that it is complicated, complex and scary as hell.
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    Feb 01, 2016 5:56 PM GMT
    If you need or want to talk to someone who's been through this, feel free to email me. Also, search the for us archive as there has been some good dialogue in the past. Congrats and good luck. The roller coaster ride has just begun.