Open Relationships - Play Together Versus Don't Ask, Don't Tell

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 01, 2016 1:44 AM GMT
    Does it seem that most gay men in open relationships
    1. play together only
    2. play without their partners but talk about the experience with their partners, or
    3. have a don't ask, don't tell arrangement?

    Why?
  • theonewhoknoc...

    Posts: 713

    Feb 01, 2016 3:56 AM GMT
    1. drama/break-up waiting to happen
    2. basically roommates with benefits
    3. don't tell me because I'm not actually ok with it icon_cry.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 01, 2016 5:37 AM GMT
    I'm sure there are plenty of open relationships that the guys play separately and disclose but in my limited experience, most in open arrangements actually play infrequently and don't talk about it with their partner. The open designation is more an agreed point of view that if something happens, both will not freak out but instead try to understand. Obviously that's an unclear line in the sand but I think it is a mature way to balance male sex drive with an acknowledgement of the over-riding importance of the loving relationship.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 01, 2016 5:39 AM GMT
    And I think this guy theonewhoblabla is wrong on all counts. Childish and inexperienced.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 01, 2016 9:46 AM GMT
    theonewhoknocks saiddon't tell me because I'm not actually ok with it icon_cry.gif




    Destinharbor saidI'm sure there are plenty of open relationships that the guys play separately and disclose but in my limited experience, most in open arrangements actually play infrequently and don't talk about it with their partner. The open designation is more an agreed point of view that if something happens, both will not freak out but instead try to understand. Obviously that's an unclear line in the sand but I think it is a mature way to balance male sex drive with an acknowledgement of the over-riding importance of the loving relationship.


    I can see both points of view.

    I could see it depending on whether one of the guys feels pressured to go along with the idea of an open relationship and not truly being ok with it versus being ok with the idea that it is something that might at some point but preferring discretion on the part of his other half.
  • Esoj

    Posts: 3

    Feb 01, 2016 11:44 AM GMT
    I'm in a don't ask don't tell relationship. My partner and I bonded over many mutual interests not just sex. We enjoy each other's company, we love to travel together and love each other. What is not so ideal is that sexually we are both similar and while our sex is awesome he can't fulfill all of my desires. So to avoid it becoming an "issue" we agreed that I can step away and fulfill that part of me. Is it ideal? No, but the alternative is to get back into the dating scene and once more deal with the bs I get fed and at 56 I ain't got time for that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 01, 2016 6:22 PM GMT
    It would bother me a lot for my partner to recount his exploits to me. I'd have a really hard time with it.
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    Feb 01, 2016 6:34 PM GMT
    I'm really more of a don't ask don't tell keep the side piece out of my face kind of guy. I am not sure why I would want to know the details. It doesn't turn me on. I'd be open to a few threesomes but to me that brings in the problem of the other guy. Side pieces sometimes get jealous and try to interfere in relationships. I don't like drama and I don't want some dude bringing his drama and baggage into a relationship.
  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Feb 01, 2016 9:13 PM GMT
    My current hub (and my late partner of twenty-three years) and I added threeways and other play to our fun very successfully. This was after several years into solid relationships. We share everything, including sexually. We find such openness very ballsy and erotic; we're not just best friends but fuckbuddies as well, which adds to the friendship. And the friendship adds to the sex. &c.

    So I guess we're your type 1.

    I do suspect that for a lot of us the don't ask-don't tell and the flying solo arrangements could lead feelings of inadequacy and distrust, and even bitterness. But I do not have much direct experience with them.
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    Feb 02, 2016 12:45 AM GMT
    Although I'd never risk any of these options, I can understand 1 and 2, but "don't ask don't tell" seems tragic. Why do it if you can't bear talking about it? And given the probability of budding romances to occur on the side, isn't it better to keep communications open so that these things are kept in check?
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Feb 02, 2016 5:05 AM GMT
    Long distance makes it understandable, I love my hunny but living 3 hours away and getting together ever 1 1/2 months is hard sometimes. Every man needs some release, regardless of age or situation, it's just typical human nature.
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    Feb 02, 2016 12:13 PM GMT
    Wendigo9 saidLong distance makes it understandable, I love my hunny but living 3 hours away and getting together ever 1 1/2 months is hard sometimes. Every man needs some release, regardless of age or situation, it's just typical human nature.


    Do you share details about your outside activities or is it more don't ask, don't tell?
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    Feb 02, 2016 2:40 PM GMT
    Some of you sound like bitter girls. Get over it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2016 9:40 PM GMT
    given time possibly anything can go wrong and it will. Thus I am so over joyed to keep things simple. I mean date enough men to the point:

    -you turn them over and they all start to be the same.
    -gotten to a point with a man not every domestic argument is a personal infraction?
    -do both of you consider each other a trusted best friend?

    put a ring on it.

  • oldfart

    Posts: 328

    Feb 02, 2016 11:28 PM GMT
    ^ ...put a ring on it.

    Is that a kind of chastity belt?


    I am sorry - That is over that line. I just couldn't resist the temptation. Your point is entirely valid, especially the point about keeping it simple. Forgive me?
    PS And yes I do wear a ring like that ;-}
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    Feb 04, 2016 10:51 PM GMT
    My preference is to play together. However, I would also agree to play with others alone, BUT with each other's prior approval. In other words, both of us have veto power.
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Feb 05, 2016 5:03 AM GMT
    I came out in 1979. At that time non-monogamy was all the rage. My first partner David was older than I. He insisted on an open relationship because he thought I would be more likely to stay with him if I had the freedom to roam. I was 22. My reality was that open relationships created all kinds of dilemmas. Monogamous relationships created different dilemmas. Neither was easy.

    I went to a support group led by a social worker by the name of Will Handy. He thought there were monogamous men and non-monogamous men. His idea was that either way was fine as long as the monogamous and non-monogamous didn't get together.
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    Feb 05, 2016 11:48 PM GMT
    rdberg1957 saidMy reality was that open relationships created all kinds of dilemmas. Monogamous relationships created different dilemmas. Neither was easy.


    This... ^^

    In short: ALL relations take work - and not all of it easy, simple, or fun. I am now dating someone who lives two hours away. We see each other (average) about twice a month for past six months. Neither have a lot of "free time" for fool around with others, but just talked about having SAFE play on the side if curious and "inspired", because, frankly... we're still exploring our sexuality.

    Nearly 50, and at a point in my life where I don't get jealous as easily and see what's most important to me in relations: sharing, humor, acceptance, reliability, and - of cours - FUN. icon_smile.gif

    Time will tell, as this is a first for me (both of us?) but I've met enough married and committed couples to know that sexual monogamy is not a common answer. I know I'm FAR more committed to knowing him better than having hopes from any sexual fling. Any relationship who's lynch pin revolves around sex is probably not long-winded one.
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    Feb 06, 2016 12:28 PM GMT
    manboynyc said
    Nearly 50, and at a point in my life where I don't get jealous as easily and see what's most important to me in relations: sharing, humor, acceptance, reliability, and - of cours - FUN. icon_smile.gif


    Same here. In my case, I think it has to do with becoming more secure with the relationship over the years.
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    Feb 06, 2016 2:30 PM GMT
    ANewChapter said
    Does it seem that most gay men in open relationships
    1. play together only
    2. play without their partners but talk about the experience with their partners, or
    3. have a don't ask, don't tell arrangement?

    Why?

    I know different couples who do either 1 or 3, and also those who do a little of each. I don't believe any of our friends play separate but share about it afterwards. Some examples:

    I know a legally married gay couple that practices leather bondage. They have an "equipment room" in their house (I hesitate to term it a dungeon), where they participate in scenes that sometimes include others (not me, BTW).

    Another married couple will sometimes bring a new acquaintance home with them they met in a club, for a 3-way. They're another pair I've never done anything with myself, although there were a few times I was pretty sure one of them was testing the waters with me. But I was already with my current guy, not single and not available.

    Maybe if I was single again. Because I did have 3-ways, even 4-ways with other couples in the past, when I wasn't in a relationship. So I have indisputable knowledge of gay couples who play with others together. A number seem to already have a rocky relationship, perhaps the sexual games meant to spice things up and keep them together.

    But they still eventually split. Except for our friends I've mentioned, who have been together, and behaving this way, literally for decades. They seem to know how to manage it, to strike the right balance, with very clear mutual rules they never violate. I can't answer your "why" question except maybe to chalk it up to male horniness, that some guys can isolate from their stable relationships without damaging them, while others cannot.

    I also know couples who permit each other to do individual stuff on the side. But it is indeed "don't ask, don't tell", and of course don't get involved and don't bring anything contagious home. I've likewise known that practice to only be successful for a while, yet with at least 1 long-running exception.
  • sexy_dad_67

    Posts: 111

    Feb 06, 2016 3:09 PM GMT
    Absolutely would settle for an open relationship. At my age I can't really demand too much, and guys need their fill of other guys. As long as I get to spend some time with my guy, I'd be happy
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Feb 06, 2016 7:04 PM GMT
    sexy_dad_67 saidAbsolutely would settle for an open relationship. At my age I can't really demand too much, and guys need their fill of other guys. As long as I get to spend some time with my guy, I'd be happy
    To me, it's sounds like your self-esteem is in the crapper...
  • sexy_dad_67

    Posts: 111

    Feb 12, 2016 2:10 AM GMT
    No, I'm just realistic and honest with myself. Which is more than can be said for many here I'd guess.
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    Feb 12, 2016 2:34 AM GMT
    This whole "we only play together stuff is bullshit." I can't tell you how many times a guy hits me up online asking if I'll have sex with him and his (usually, ugly boyfriend. The minute I say I'm not interested he always says he'll meet me alone. And these couples always seem to be very aware of which one is the hotter one because he's always the one who does the hunting.

    And "don't ask don't tell?" Well obviously it hurts them to know or they wouldn't be hiding it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2016 4:35 AM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    sexy_dad_67 saidNo, I'm just realistic and honest with myself. Which is more than can be said for many here I'd guess. the puppet of one of your resident ageists acting creepy as fuck


    fixed