Is Love looking for me or should I be looking for Love?

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    Feb 06, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
    Okay, so i've decided to put my first post on Realjock. I'm feeling the need to get some feedback on a particular topic so here goes.

    Basically I keep getting told by people around me that I should stop wasting my energy on looking for love and instead just do nothing and let it come to me!?!

    But I dont understand why people say that when on the other hand you have people saying if you want something out of life you have to go get it, it doesn't just come to you. If you want to find something you have to look for it, it won't find itself. Your own happiness is your responsibility. Life is what you make it. I think you get my point.

    I mean, if i was to stop looking what would happen, my life, like most others involves work, home, sleep, work, home, sleep. and so it goes on. Of course there is the occasional nights out and other social events but now is love supposed to find me on its own if i just migrate from home to work and back everyday with little social interaction??? If everyone is so busy not looking, who is there left looking?

    Don't get me wrong i'm not saying i'm out there 24/7 hitting the gay scene or searching every internet site for the possible 'one'. I'm under no illusion that i will find what i'm looking for on the net or on the gay clubbing scene, i try to stay away from both as much as possible to be honest they're not my thing, but i do believe that i should be doing things to make myself know, putting myself out there so guys know that I at least exist.

    So, basically I just wanted to know what you guys think, is it wrong to spend energy on looking for love instead of waiting for it to come to you??

    Let me know what you think

    Cheers
    Matthew

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    Feb 06, 2009 2:53 PM GMT



    Hey UnionJack, it sure does seem contradictory doesn't it? Go for what you want out of life, unless it's love.

    My advice is to always be on the look-out for opportunity, but focus on making friends. Out of those you be-friend or make acquaintance with, one or more will exude interest. If you feel that certain kind of interest too, THEN go for it!

    We've known men that firmly said there was no way they were going to make a first move, look for love, etc etc and when you get a group of them in a room.....nothing happens, they each wait for another to 'come after them'. Strangely, by being unreceptive and unperceptive in this way, the only ones brave enough to take the plunge at these men, are the same ones these men later claim make them feel trapped or claustrophobic. Go figure. Vicious cycle.

    Make friends, tons of 'em, the rest will take care of itself.

    -Doug of meninlove

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:00 PM GMT


    PS to answer your topic line:"Is Love looking for me or should I be looking for Love?"

    Yes and yes-but-only-a-little!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:03 PM GMT
    I'll step up to the plate and i shall help u find it icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:15 PM GMT
    You can look for love, meaning - put yourself "out there" where you can meet new people, be social, etc... But you can't find love, it does find you.

    In other words, you can go fishing, find the supposed great spot, bait the hook but there's still no quarantee a fish will bite. icon_wink.gif

    So don't sweat it, or try to force it... let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Feb 06, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    Number 1 rule: Be careful what you wish for.

    Thats the only advice I have for you.

    I have only been in love once, and it was with a straight male that was my best friend for years. He could never return my feelings.. worst possible scenario. icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    JayneCobb saidNumber 1 rule: Be careful what you wish for.

    Thats the only advice I have for you.

    I have only been in love once, and it was with a straight male that was my best friend for years. He could never return my feelings.. worst possible scenario. icon_confused.gif


    Oh to be gay in high school again...
  • JayneCobb

    Posts: 709

    Feb 06, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    TheIStrat saidOh to be gay in high school again...

    Ill take that dry smart ass remark for what it is.

    It was my Junior year of high school through my freshman year of college, I had a pretty good Idea what was going on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:25 PM GMT
    The answer to your question is "Yes for both," but don't force either to happen on your schedule and you will be much happier. You are so young and you have so much time... don't rush.
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:36 PM GMT
    MeanMikey saidI'll step up to the plate and i shall help u find it icon_cool.gif


    Dang! You beat me to it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 3:44 PM GMT
    Love should never be sought after, you just end up being let down. When this happens its your own fault. You sought after something that happens when you get to know someone, not when you see them or go on a few dates.


    Some dont want love or anything long term. When you go into things thinking they are the one, chances are they dont feel the same. In most cases you're just a cute guy they're dating. Love comes later so date around and see who you mess with. I didnt say fuck around just go on a few dates and see who might spark love down the road
  • Tyinstl

    Posts: 353

    Feb 06, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    The answer is yes to both. What if both you and your dream man simply let it come to you? Then you'd never meet, unless your life is the kind where you HAPPEN to come across cute, out gay guys all the time (I live in Iowa, this is not the case)
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    Feb 06, 2009 4:47 PM GMT
    JayneCobb said
    TheIStrat saidOh to be gay in high school again...

    Ill take that dry smart ass remark for what it is.

    It was my Junior year of high school through my freshman year of college, I had a pretty good Idea what was going on.


    Wasn't meant to be smart ass remark, I said it because it was exactly what happened to me in high school
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    I can see your problem with attracting and taking. It's a diffcult dance that most people just choose one or the other. I'm a go geter. So I'm usually the chaser. Yet when someone chases me it's very flattering. I have always found if I become that person I want to attract, I will attract the type that I like. One rule that is true is the person who is right for you will click together instantly! If drama is in your face day one. Than it's just not right for you.icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 06, 2009 5:25 PM GMT
    dreamdrop saidI have always found, if I become that person I want to attract, I will attract the type that I like. One rule that is true is the person who is right for you will click together instantly! If drama is in your face day one. Than it's just not right for you.icon_cool.gif



    Dreamdrop I agree with you. Its one of those things that is hard to explain about how to attract the person you like to you. but i get what your saying.

    but anyways.... good things take time. but don't ever stop looking for love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    Love always come when you least expect it or even when you least want it, when you stop looking for it and concentrate on being happy yourself it will def come sooner than later..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    Gay men in general are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

    I think majority of single gay men out there feel that way. I've been there before and later realized that instead of looking for it myself, the one thing missing the most is the love I should be giving to myself in the first place. I grew out of that looking-for-love phase and focused my time and energy on making friends and doing the things I love to do on my own time. I won't lie, I've been to several dates here and there but nothing really concrete.

    I'll quote Aubrey Hepburn on this one -- "I was born with an enormous need for affection -- and a terrible need to give it."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 6:34 PM GMT
    Choose your friends don't let them choose you. Same goes for love.
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    Feb 06, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    The reason why people are telling you to not look for love is because you are more attractive to others when you have a well-rounded life. If you have a good circle of friends, diverse interests, and like yourself you are going to attract healthier individuals. If you absolutely need to be in a relationship you are going to settle for less or attract guys who will take advantage of you.

    If you're out and about and you see two different guys - which one is going to be more attractive - the guy having a fun time with his friends or the guy nursing his drink while staring a hole through you?
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    Feb 06, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    Hey Guys,

    I just want to thank you all for your comments and sharing your thoughts on this subject. I've read every single one of them and appreciate them all.

    MeanMikey and Ghen, thank you for your compliments!

    Having pondered over this topic for a while now, and trying to live life on both paths at seperate times, i've come to realise that it is against my very nature to not seek Love, it keeps me happy knowing that i'm doing something to help it find me icon_biggrin.gif

    and in this day and age it needs all the help it can get!

    So fella's, if its Love your after, have faith and keep hope, it's just around the corner for all of us who want it icon_biggrin.gif

    Thanks again!! XX

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 8:52 PM GMT
    Lissenup hit the nail on the head!

    Personally, I try to always be receptive and on the look out. I believe good things happen to people that make it happen. Don't sit back on your laurels...get out, be social, but be true to yourself.
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:02 PM GMT
    I personally do not believe that serendipity is a good strategy. There are no guarantees that you will fall in love if you actively try and look for it, but you sure as hell won't find it staying inside watching TV.

    To be honest falling in love is only a small part of the experience. Then there is the whole dating, fighting, making up and maturing together fun. Oh you have lots to look forward to!
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Feb 06, 2009 9:35 PM GMT
    “The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.”

    Deepak Chopra quotes (Indian ayurvedic Physician and Author, b.1947)

    I interpret this quote as saying that you must leave your heart open to the possibility of love, of meeting someone that will compliment your life versus completing it, of not forcing yourself into a delusional notion of love nor forcing your personal fantasies on someone else by trying to make them fit the archetype of what you desire and not as they truly are. Leave your ego, your judgement at the door and love everything whole heartedly and you will be open to the possibility of finding love.

    To give my two cents in your inquiry:

    "So, basically I just wanted to know what you guys think, is it wrong to spend energy on looking for love instead of waiting for it to come to you??"

    No, it's not wrong to spend your energy looking for love, but I encourage you to NOT force love on yourself nor someone else. Just be open to it. And when you find a hot guy, don't make the object of your affection anything other than what he truly is...flaws and everything. Don't be desperate finding that perfect leading man you see in all the romantic comedies. It will only lead you to disappointment when you realize that he's not "perfect".
    Don't fault yourself for being single. There is nothing "wrong" with you, there is nothing "wrong" about being single.

    I think it's good that you're being proactive in your search for love as long as you're aware of what love is and what you're really looking for.
    Are you looking for security? Are you looking for validation? Are you looking for someone else to make you happy and rescue you from feeling alone?
    Are you looking for a friend who you can fall in love with and grow together with as individuals....complete beings, traveling aside each other in time?
    Look for love within yourself and be prepared for love when you bump into that lucky man.

    Good luck, Matthew! I hope that I didn't talk in circles and that all this makes sense to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    You don't look for love as in "searching for it" but rather look for love as in "being aware when it is present." I know it sounds esoteric but consider it this way:
    Live your life in a way that makes you happy. Be loving in the way you interact with others. Put yourself in situations where you'll meet people who are also living their lives in a similar way (not that they're doing what you're doing, but rather making themselves happy in their own lives.)
    This way, you will be more likely to find love. Not because you are looking for it, but rather because you are open to it.

    So when people say "Don't go looking for love." The implication is that desperation will find desperation. In other words, you will think you have found it when you haven't.

    If you're happy as a single man, you will be far more likely to meet and find love because you only see it when it is actually there and not merely an infatuation.
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    Feb 06, 2009 10:01 PM GMT

    Come to Dubai. I'll introduce you my love with lots of sunshine. xx