Giving up on Dating! Will I ever find happiness?

  • Deri245

    Posts: 239

    Feb 04, 2016 6:56 AM GMT
    So I have decided to give up on this whole dating / looking for someone to care about icon_cry.gif

    I have been putting in serious effort to meet some one to finally date and start my life since I'm done college and I'm working full time now. However along the way I have been rejected and burned so many times that I'm starting to realize maybe I'm the problem?

    Its like every time I meet someone I they either disappear, ignore me because I wont have sex with them, Use me for my money, Or simply just tell me I'm disgusting and the only reason they talked to me was to get their cock sucked?

    LIke I'm not looking to rush into anything serious but its like I wanna get to know someone text them and chat, you know but no one seems to care or gives me a chance to hear me.

    All my friend tell me they are jealous of me for having a degree and being independent when truefully I would rather struggle and be with someone like them because at the end of the day they have a partner to talk to and converse in, I just have things ;(

    I also thought the problem was I never been on a actual date so maybe I'm just awkward at first? See when I was in school I focused more on graduating then to express myself so I never went on dates or wanted to presue anything but advancing my career, I lost my virginity to my friend at the age of 23 in which I wish didnt happen because we would hangout everynight but we were not an offical couple like we didnt go on dates, we could only hangout at his house etc.... I couldnt tell anyone what we did long story short I had to end that after 2 years then I have been trying to connect with someone ever since.

    Sorry for the long rant I just have been in a funk the past few months because I literally work and come home to an empty house.

    I'm Derrick btw in case anyone reads this and feel free to message me I love to chat with new people
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Feb 04, 2016 7:21 AM GMT
    Stop looking and start living.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2016 12:04 PM GMT
    Deri245 saidfinally date and start my life


    This is the problem here. You don't need someone else to live.

    Have fun with your friends; put effort into working out or creating something; go see the world; make yourself interesting. Eventually someone will come.
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    Feb 04, 2016 12:13 PM GMT
    jakegi said
    Deri245 saidfinally date and start my life


    This is the problem here. You don't need someone else to live.

    Have fun with your friends; put effort into working out or creating something; go see the world; make yourself interesting. Eventually someone will come.


    Couldn't agree more. Concentrate on maximising your life and doing everything you want to do, people will be attracted to what a fascinating, experienced and fulfilled person you are. Your time is now, don't waste it pining for something.
  • hottt1980

    Posts: 50

    Feb 04, 2016 12:35 PM GMT
    OK, there are several things going on here. This my opinion based on what you are putting forth. You have standards but you are aligning yourself with the wrong men. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself and hoping to find the right guy to share it with. You are in a rut like some of us. Most of us will find our way out of it, some of us will struggle a little more until we learn the lesson. Think about it. Do you have a type? Where are you hoping to find him? Are there like or similar men in the search area? There are times you have to sift through layers of rubbish before you find your diamond in the rough. Are you loving yourself the way you want to be loved? Everyone is different that is a fact, granted we might all share basics. There are times when you have to sit on the sidelines because love was destined to find you and not the other way around. Don't feel bad, we all want that special person. It's your queue to spend a little more with yourself. Believe it or not yourself is a person that needs something else from you before love comes. You might have to dig deep to find out what it is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2016 2:08 PM GMT
    I agree...it sounds as if you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. You are selling yourself short and settling out of desperation.

    You don't "need" someone else to survive. Go out into the world and experience amazing things. That is when you'll probably meet someone while out on your journey.
  • Deri245

    Posts: 239

    Feb 04, 2016 2:56 PM GMT
    You all are right icon_smile.gif I mean I'm happy but I feel like maybe I could have more happiness I don't know Im not sure what to do next
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    Feb 04, 2016 3:39 PM GMT
    Deri,

    Your a handsome and educated young African American man with a lot to offer. If you lived in Florida and I was ten years younger, I would date you in a New York minute.

    I suspect you are following the traditional, straight ideal of looking for Mr Right, which is cool and wonderful. Sadly a lot of men, often many of the ones you meet in public Gay venues like dance clubs, are just looking to hook up and may be willing to use you.

    I wish I had some wisdom to share but it's a difficult situation. My advice is to get involved in other things where you interact with people and keep your eyes open. There are a lot of Gay men at Comic Conventions and local Art Fairs, who are not looking for a hookup. These events tend to be pretty open minded so you are welcome even if you are out and proud. You can be their friend first any maybe you will find the one. Even if you don't find Mr. Right, at least you will be meeting people and making friends.

    Just my two cents,
    FloridaRugbyBear
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Feb 04, 2016 3:48 PM GMT
    "... I'm starting to realize maybe I'm the problem?" -nailed it

    Are you looking for someone to 'complete' you? When was the last time you herd someone say "I met this great desperate guy last night!" ? People can smell emotional neediness coming a mile away, and it's usually repellent to stable guys.

    You are still very young (and a little immature). You have the rest of your life to get married. Stop looking for 'the one' and instead, use this time to figure out who you are. Find something you enjoy doing and do it.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Feb 04, 2016 4:47 PM GMT
    Sometimes it's good to take a break and focus on other things.

    It doesn't mean you have to give up forever.

    I'm very good at dating but not so good at the long term but I enjoy the dating process if I'm not enjoying it I pause and do something else.

    The thing with attracting the guys you want is to be clear on what you do want and what you won't accept. All of the experiences you've had have gotten you clearer on what you do want and what you don't want. It is a learning process which sometimes can be painful.

    Here's a tip:
    Get a piece of paper write down what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want. What you've learnt and what your qualities are also. It's good to see yourself from the eyes of someone who would date you. Be positive about yourself. It's like writing a resume.
    Then forget about it and have fun.

    Go to meetups, do activities where you will meet people in a social setting. They will be more willing to get to know you.

  • davidchill45

    Posts: 55

    Feb 04, 2016 5:40 PM GMT
    robbaker saidSo you need a man to keep you feeling happy that's so sad and pathetic icon_rolleyes.gif


    The only thing sad and pathetic in this thread is you.
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    Feb 04, 2016 5:52 PM GMT
    Well you are still young and still learning. icon_smile.gif Trying being in a relationship, of several years and everything falls apart. icon_razz.gif I think maybe you've been going for guys out of your league or whatever, if they're not interested, just move on. The best thing is just to focus on yourself, your hobbies, network and expand your circle of friends. Eventually, you will find the *one. IDK, I've been in several relationship and broke some hearts and got hurt too. I'm just going with the flow now, whatever, I'll let him come to me. icon_cool.gif
  • toastvenom

    Posts: 1020

    Feb 04, 2016 7:16 PM GMT
    finding a relationship is a paramount human experience, it tells one that they MATTER to someone. I for one am tired of reading all those bullshit, 90's era, Oprah, new age rhetoric about not needing human contact to feel content. if that is what people truly believed well then nobody would be dating, meeting, fucking etc. if u spend your entire life unnoticed, overlooked, rejected and always alone, well guess what? that is going to affect your self perception and overall mental health.
    relationships with other people, sexual and platonic are necessary to feel that one fits in somewhere. the difference is HOW u approach it. if u want relationships to help compliment ur life, that is a healthy stance if u need a relationship to give urself worth well then holy shit, paging Dr. Frasier Crane....
    so give the kid a break, he's still young and what he is feeling is perfectly natural, knocking him down only adds to him feeling down. don't give up deri245, u still have plenty of life to experience ahead of you.
  • Deri245

    Posts: 239

    Feb 04, 2016 10:25 PM GMT
    laxwill10 saidWell you are still young and still learning. icon_smile.gif Trying being in a relationship, of several years and everything falls apart. icon_razz.gif I think maybe you've been going for guys out of your league or whatever, if they're not interested, just move on. The best thing is just to focus on yourself, your hobbies, network and expand your circle of friends. Eventually, you will find the *one. IDK, I've been in several relationship and broke some hearts and got hurt too. I'm just going with the flow now, whatever, I'll let him come to me. icon_cool.gif


    So true thanks buddy
  • Deri245

    Posts: 239

    Feb 04, 2016 10:26 PM GMT
    davidchill45 said
    robbaker saidSo you need a man to keep you feeling happy that's so sad and pathetic icon_rolleyes.gif


    The only thing sad and pathetic in this thread is you.


    Thanks icon_smile.gif I dont think I'm pathetic either just not sure what to do ATM I'm sure everyone has been here before
  • Deri245

    Posts: 239

    Feb 04, 2016 10:26 PM GMT
    Fireworkz saidSometimes it's good to take a break and focus on other things.

    It doesn't mean you have to give up forever.

    I'm very good at dating but not so good at the long term but I enjoy the dating process if I'm not enjoying it I pause and do something else.

    The thing with attracting the guys you want is to be clear on what you do want and what you won't accept. All of the experiences you've had have gotten you clearer on what you do want and what you don't want. It is a learning process which sometimes can be painful.

    Here's a tip:
    Get a piece of paper write down what you want in a relationship, and what you don't want. What you've learnt and what your qualities are also. It's good to see yourself from the eyes of someone who would date you. Be positive about yourself. It's like writing a resume.
    Then forget about it and have fun.

    Go to meetups, do activities where you will meet people in a social setting. They will be more willing to get to know you.



    you have some good points! I should do some meetups/ events
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2016 11:18 PM GMT
    Just like what a lot of other guys have been saying, you just gotta just keep yourself busy living and meeting people. Things will fall into place
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Feb 05, 2016 12:08 AM GMT
    Welcome to the club icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 05, 2016 1:07 AM GMT
    PulseFit said
    jakegi said
    Deri245 saidfinally date and start my life


    This is the problem here. You don't need someone else to live.

    Have fun with your friends; put effort into working out or creating something; go see the world; make yourself interesting. Eventually someone will come.


    Couldn't agree more. Concentrate on maximising your life and doing everything you want to do, people will be attracted to what a fascinating, experienced and fulfilled person you are. Your time is now, don't waste it pining for something.


    ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!ALL OF THIS! ALL OF THIS!
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    Feb 05, 2016 4:22 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidStop looking and start living.
    . I basically decided to do that. I play tennis, sing, enjoy movies and plays when I can. I have been single much more than I have been coupled. SInce I came out 36 years ago, I have been coupled a total of 5 years. Not for lack of trying. Lots of men say I am attractive enough. Lots of men run away though.

    I met a couple dozen guys on Match.com for first dates and had two second dates. I think lots of gay men have intimacy problems. I know I do, but I have worked on them to get to the place I am professionally and connect to family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2016 4:23 PM GMT
    Happiness doesn't have to require dating
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Feb 05, 2016 6:27 PM GMT
    rdberg1957 said
    AMoonHawk saidStop looking and start living.
    . I basically decided to do that. I play tennis, sing, enjoy movies and plays when I can. I have been single much more than I have been coupled. SInce I came out 36 years ago, I have been coupled a total of 5 years. Not for lack of trying. Lots of men say I am attractive enough. Lots of men run away though.

    I met a couple dozen guys on Match.com for first dates and had two second dates. I think lots of gay men have intimacy problems. I know I do, but I have worked on them to get to the place I am professionally and connect to family.


    +1

    There are lots of deep currents of avoidance of intimacy with many gay men.
    Some of the guys have been rejected by family, society and inside they feel less than. Many guys avoid opening up for fear you will see who they really are. They don't see themselves as loveable so will reject before being rejected. Many guys don't see themselves as worthy and deserving of love so settle for sex.

    So often it is their issue not yours.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2016 10:15 PM GMT
    I know where you coming from but like everyone else stated, stop looking and live.

    I recommend just focusing on yourself. Figure out what you like, what makes you happy, and things like that. A relationship will not fix happiness issues that need to be addressed internally.

    Find what your passionate with and have fun.
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Feb 06, 2016 3:15 AM GMT
    Derrick, you are a really handsome guy and from what I've read it surprises me that you're single and giving up so soon. School done and working full-time show's stability, now just do what makes you feel good and love will find you when you least expect it.

    Btw, I'd take a chance with you, but not if it's one-sided
  • andreduce

    Posts: 76

    Feb 06, 2016 7:26 AM GMT
    I haven't said anything on here in fucking ages but Im a little buzzed and eh, why not.

    Just like a lot of other posts have stated, live dude. As far as we (well, as far as I) know, you don't get a second chance on Earth. Have fun. Work hard. Throw parties. Dance. Sing kareoke (one of my all time favesicon_smile.gif).

    Point is, live.

    Yes, of course keep your eyes open. Dont be so focused on your own enjoyment that you miss an opporutinity to meet someone that turns into a first date, then a second date, then a third date, then a weekend to British Columbia (Ok. may be a bit far for that lol).

    Just seek productivity, purpose, and enjoyment in your life. Go to things, do things, you have an interest in. And look around you. Just maybe, someone similar to you is looking around them, and you both connect icon_smile.gif

    And if not, know who your friends and family are who would take their shirt off their back for you.

    In the end, on your death bed, those are the things that matter dude.