New to all of this

  • Ndwilson22

    Posts: 5

    Feb 05, 2016 6:36 PM GMT
    Hi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months and whatnot, but that's where the struggle has been. Previously, I wasn't sure, I honestly didn't know what I liked and then recently it just hit me that I'm gay, which I'm fine with, but I just have a hard time thinking about it. It took me a while to feel okay with me being gay, but now that I realize it, I'm left in another situation.

    I'm currently talking to a girl whom I'm great friends with, and I do like her, but not nearly as much as when we first started talking. She wants to take things to the next level but I'm really against it and don't know where to go from here as to not hurt our friendship. She means a lot to me, but I can't keep leading her on. It sucks.

    I just need some advice. I don't know what to do. It's just such a terrible time because I'm not out so I'm trying to talk to guys discretely (which isn't going so well) and trying to find a time when I can tell people how I really feel. Once I get past these obstacles I know things will get better, but right now it sucks. I'm at a crossroad and need advice as to what to do next. Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1032

    Feb 05, 2016 8:27 PM GMT
    Start by finding one person you can talk to about it, in real life. Someone you can sit down with, look each other in the eye, and say what's going on in your head. A good friend, a family member, anyone you feel safe with. Have the conversation out loud and go from there. Once you clear the air - at least with one person - things will get better, but they won't start to get better until you do.

    As for the girl, just tell her that her friendship is very important to you, but you don't think you should be more than friends. You don't have to tell her why. If she presses you, just tell her you're not comfortable discussing it. If she's a friend, she'll back off. If she doesn't, she isn't a friend.
  • Ndwilson22

    Posts: 5

    Feb 05, 2016 9:41 PM GMT
    bro4bro saidStart by finding one person you can talk to about it, in real life. Someone you can sit down with, look each other in the eye, and say what's going on in your head. A good friend, a family member, anyone you feel safe with. Have the conversation out loud and go from there. Once you clear the air - at least with one person - things will get better, but they won't start to get better until you do.

    As for the girl, just tell her that her friendship is very important to you, but you don't think you should be more than friends. You don't have to tell her why. If she presses you, just tell her you're not comfortable discussing it. If she's a friend, she'll back off. If she doesn't, she isn't a friend.


    Hey, thanks for the advice. It's definitely been an interesting few months learning more about myself. I really appreciate your input! I don't have any gay friends to talk to about all of this, so it's great to have the help. It's nice to know I'm not alone for sure. icon_smile.gif
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1032

    Feb 06, 2016 1:47 AM GMT
    Str8 people can be surprisingly understanding too, and can be every bit as supportive as a gay friend, even though they might not share quite the same feelings or experiences. The important thing is to have someone you can talk to who will make you feel a whole lot better about everything.

    That person is out there, nearby, I guarantee it. Your job now is to go figure out who it is.
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    Feb 06, 2016 4:16 PM GMT
    Maybe talk to the girl you thought you were interested in? If you two have gotten close she might be the right person. I'm gonna guess that she already has her suspicions. Start out by saying you know you can trust her...and you don't want to lead her on, but...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2016 4:59 PM GMT
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif
  • Ndwilson22

    Posts: 5

    Feb 06, 2016 8:30 PM GMT
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Feb 06, 2016 10:34 PM GMT
    Your profile says you're 31 years old.
    You're certainly old enough to take charge of your life.
    You owe it to your girl friend to tell her the truth, ASAP.
    Just don't be wishy washy about it. A lot of women think they have the power to turn a gay man straight. Don't let her have any notion what so ever that she has a chance of being anything more than a friend.
    If you lose her as a friend, then she wasn't a friend in the first place.

    There will never be a "good" time to come out.
    It's very likely that your family already knows.
  • bro4bro

    Posts: 1032

    Feb 06, 2016 10:57 PM GMT
    Wait, he's how old?
    His profile said he was 20 when I first responded - and it says the same thing now.
    Where are you getting 31 from?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2016 12:30 PM GMT
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude and judgmental. You will most likely wind up hurt, single and alone like the majority of gay men. I wish I was straight.

    Stay in the closet because gay men are NOT worth coming out for. Trust me. All my friends are straight by the way.
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    Feb 09, 2016 2:50 PM GMT
    visastamp said
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude and judgmental.


    It's the company you keep.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2016 5:39 PM GMT
    HikerSkier said
    visastamp said
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude and judgmental.


    It's the company you keep.

    Very true. It's all who you decide to hang out with.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 09, 2016 6:03 PM GMT
    I've always wondered if the guys who didn't know they were gay growing up were in the closet, or if they just thought they were straight.icon_confused.gif

    By 18, my sexuality was fully realized. I'd already had sex, had more than one steady boyfriend, experienced homophobia, being in the closet, coming out, gay pride parades, etc...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2016 7:16 PM GMT
    visastamp said
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude and judgmental. You will most likely wind up hurt, single and alone like the majority of gay men. I wish I was straight.

    Stay in the closet because gay men are NOT worth coming out for. Trust me. All my friends are straight by the way.


    There is a lot of truth in this. I would suggest that you date both men and women and see if there is a significant difference in the connection that you feel with one gender over another. If you are on the fence sexually but enjoy the company of a woman it is probably a better choice overall to be with a woman. The author/screenwriter Michael Chabon seems to be someone who followed this path successfully (at least that's how it appears). Be skeptical of those who would push you to be what they think you should consider your "real" self.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2016 8:42 PM GMT
    Thank you sir :-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 09, 2016 11:00 PM GMT
    I recently started semi-dating a closeted guy. We've been friends for a couple years, "fooled around" a few times (as FWB's), then last week he decided to ditch his gf and move in with me. Little did I know his true intent till we stayed up all night last night talking.

    He's going through the same issues as you...wants to come out, but is unsure how, and is scared of the repercussions it'll have on his family and other friends (we share two friends who already know).

    bro4bro is right. You need to find someone to talk to in person. The internet can help some, but it's no replacement for face-to-face interaction with someone who's been there and done that.
  • Ndwilson22

    Posts: 5

    Feb 10, 2016 6:28 PM GMT
    I really appreciate everything everyone has said. It's definitely a lot to think about, but it's getting easier. I definitely want to experience what both sides have to offer, and then maybe my attitude about all of this will change. It's all about exploration and learning about myself, and I think once I get past these barriers it'll all make more sense.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 10, 2016 6:53 PM GMT
    visastamp saidThank you sir :-)

    So, are you going to start dating women now?icon_neutral.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 10, 2016 6:55 PM GMT
    swimmersf said
    visastamp said
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude And judgmental. You will most likely wind up hurt, single and alone like the majority of gay men. I wish I was straight.

    Stay in the closet because gay men are NOT worth coming out for. Trust me. All my friends are straight by the way.


    There is a lot of truth in this. I would suggest that you date both men and women and see if there is a significant difference in the connection that you feel with one gender over another. If you are on the fence sexually but enjoy the company of a woman it is probably a better choice overall to be with a woman. The author/screenwriter Michael Chabon seems to be someone who followed this path successfully (at least that's how it appears). Be skeptical of those who would push you to be what they think you should consider your "real" self.

    Is your purpose here to try to get gay men to reconsider their sexuality, as if it's a choice?

    If so, do we have to divorce our husbands first, or is this kind of like "experimenting" on the DL?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2016 7:41 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    swimmersf said
    visastamp said
    Ndwilson22 said
    pellaz said
    Ndwilson22 saidHi. So I should begin by saying I'm not out, and I actually just started realizing I was gay in the past few months...

    all good; why is your profile say you joined realjock 2014icon_idea.gif


    I joined back when I had suspicion, but it wasn't something I thought of much. In the past few months is when I've started realizing it's true. I've been battling with this for a few years now, but not to the extent that I am now. Back then, I thought I might be bi too, but not anymore.


    I'm just going to be completely honest with you. Just stick with girls lol

    The gay community is a hot mess, full of damaged goods and men who cheat and hurt each other, and whom are just insanely rude And judgmental. You will most likely wind up hurt, single and alone like the majority of gay men. I wish I was straight.

    Stay in the closet because gay men are NOT worth coming out for. Trust me. All my friends are straight by the way.


    There is a lot of truth in this. I would suggest that you date both men and women and see if there is a significant difference in the connection that you feel with one gender over another. If you are on the fence sexually but enjoy the company of a woman it is probably a better choice overall to be with a woman. The author/screenwriter Michael Chabon seems to be someone who followed this path successfully (at least that's how it appears). Be skeptical of those who would push you to be what they think you should consider your "real" self.

    Is your purpose here to try to get gay men to reconsider their sexuality, as if it's a choice?

    If so, do we have to divorce our husbands first, or is this kind of like "experimenting" on the DL?


    Nope, just adding my comments based on my own life experience, the experiences of others, and trying to make sense of the simplistic, politically-driven bombast ("it's a choice!" "no it's not!") that gets tossed out by everyone regardless of their "side."

  • Feb 10, 2016 7:49 PM GMT
    Take your time...

    I knew I liked guys as early as elementary school, but it took me all of my teenage years for me to really come to terms with it. Most of that was due to what our culture tells us is acceptable and what isn't, and the rest was just me thinking "Well, WHY do I feel this way? Why me?"

    You're still young, and even if you weren't, there's still time. Don't feel like you have to rush to find out, build your support network, and have fun with it! Sexual discovery shouldn't be a depressing time, in my opinion.
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    Feb 10, 2016 7:50 PM GMT
    ^^^ another troll
  • carew28

    Posts: 658

    Feb 10, 2016 8:36 PM GMT
    bro4bro saidStart by finding one person you can talk to about it, in real life. Someone you can sit down with, look each other in the eye, and say what's going on in your head. A good friend, a family member, anyone you feel safe with. Have the conversation out loud and go from there. Once you clear the air - at least with one person - things will get better, but they won't start to get better until you do.

    As for the girl, just tell her that her friendship is very important to you, but you don't think you should be more than friends. You don't have to tell her why. If she presses you, just tell her you're not comfortable discussing it. If she's a friend, she'll back off. If she doesn't, she isn't a friend.


    Good advice.
  • carew28

    Posts: 658

    Feb 10, 2016 8:40 PM GMT
    DimitriusJones saidTake your time...

    I knew I liked guys as early as elementary school, but it took me all of my teenage years for me to really come to terms with it. Most of that was due to what our culture tells us is acceptable and what isn't, and the rest was just me thinking "Well, WHY do I feel this way? Why me?"

    You're still young, and even if you weren't, there's still time. Don't feel like you have to rush to find out, build your support network, and have fun with it! Sexual discovery shouldn't be a depressing time, in my opinion.


    More good advice. The only thing is, it's not always easy being gay, and it might be hard explaining things to the girl he's friends with.

    Being gay includes both fun & some depression.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 11, 2016 2:15 AM GMT
    Bonifacius said^^^ another troll
    What is it that one day you fave a proifle pic and the next not - then back again to having a pic up?

    Two halves of a split personality?