Trying not to be fem or masculine?

  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 11, 2016 12:28 AM GMT
    I've been wondering if you knew a feminine guy (or maybe you were one) who successfully changed into a masc guy. I've been trying to do this for a couple months but I often find myself relapsing...

    I mean like for example, my natural style is borderline androgynous with slim fitting clothing but I'm trying to wear baggier clothes but I just hate how I look in them. Like, I have this sweater that admittedly is a girls sweater and I love how it looks on me but I know I can't wear it because well, it's not masc...

    I just feel like as a feminine guy, it's hypocritical of me to be into masculine guys when I'm not one myself which is why I'm trying to change it. At first, I didn't think it would be hard but man was I wrong...

    So I was wondering if I could hear if there had been any successful stories when it came to this subject matter.
  • TheSaviour

    Posts: 22

    Feb 11, 2016 12:41 AM GMT
    Just be who you want to be. If you don't like yourself and want to change do it for yourself if that will make you feel better.

    There is no easy way to achieve anything, but work hard and you can do anything you want
  • interesting

    Posts: 573

    Feb 11, 2016 12:48 AM GMT
    I don't know of anyone that tried to change from being feminine to masculine. Most I've seen are guys who embrace their femininity, and some are really scared of it and "act" masculine. But I'm curious though, why do you feel the NEED to change? I don't think it's hypocritical for a not-so-masculine guy to be into a masculine guy, opposites can attract.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 1:08 AM GMT
    It's not hypocritical at all. icon_biggrin.gif

    Can you grow facial hair? If so, try a few things and see how it grows. Take it slow if you're self-conscious about it, and start over as often as you like. My first real guy crush was so feminine I actually thought he was a girl the first time I met him (I think it was two or three times I'd seen him before I noticed his hands and adam's apple and sneaked a peek icon_redface.gif); years later I ran into him again with a big mustache and a little beard, and it added a dashing manly edge without diminishing or being diminished by his softspoken, graceful nature. Not the same thing as what you're looking for but maybe of some use.

    I don't remember which of your pics are new and old, but you seem to be filling out admirably; I'd think a simple snug jeans-and-tshirt would be perfectly fine as a basic look if you're comfortable in them. A big part of stereotypical "masculinity" is confidence, and a big part of confidence is comfort, so you don't want to commit to a look you can't be comfortable with.

    In general, though, I think that in general guys to tend to look more masculine as they age, and in the short time I've seen you around RJ I've seen nothing to suggest that you're an exception. You're even approaching the age where you can begin to properly rock a casual suit.

    If anyone here knows how to find a good hag, that might be another useful source of objective wisdom. ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 1:44 AM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    Did you people not have music growing up?

    Here, we had great music, borrow some of ours...





  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 11, 2016 1:49 AM GMT
    interesting saidI don't know of anyone that tried to change from being feminine to masculine. Most I've seen are guys who embrace their femininity, and some are really scared of it and "act" masculine. But I'm curious though, why do you feel the NEED to change? I don't think it's hypocritical for a not-so-masculine guy to be into a masculine guy, opposites can attract.


    Well.. I would love to stay how I am naturally but I feel like it just turns people away from wanting to get to know me despite me trying to express interest and kindness to them.

    I used to hang out with my brother and his group of 4 friends (2 Straight guys, 1 masculine gay guy). He eventually stopped inviting me to hang out and when I asked him way, he said it was because his friends found me too feminine and made them uncomfortable...

    I mean, I didn't have much in common with them anyway so I usually just observed and spoke when I had something to say but it really did make me feel shitty that they felt so strongly about it. And no, I don't talk like a valley girl or diva which made it all the more saddening...

    So since then, I've been trying to fight against my natural self.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 1:51 AM GMT
    theantijock saidtheantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    Did you people not have music growing up?

    Here, we had great music, borrow some of ours...

    "You people"?
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 11, 2016 1:54 AM GMT
    anotherphil saidIt's not hypocritical at all. icon_biggrin.gif

    Can you grow facial hair? If so, try a few things and see how it grows. Take it slow if you're self-conscious about it, and start over as often as you like. My first real guy crush was so feminine I actually thought he was a girl the first time I met him (I think it was two or three times I'd seen him before I noticed his hands and adam's apple and sneaked a peek icon_redface.gif); years later I ran into him again with a big mustache and a little beard, and it added a dashing manly edge without diminishing or being diminished by his softspoken, graceful nature. Not the same thing as what you're looking for but maybe of some use.

    I don't remember which of your pics are new and old, but you seem to be filling out admirably; I'd think a simple snug jeans-and-tshirt would be perfectly fine as a basic look if you're comfortable in them. A big part of stereotypical "masculinity" is confidence, and a big part of confidence is comfort, so you don't want to commit to a look you can't be comfortable with.

    In general, though, I think that in general guys to tend to look more masculine as they age, and in the short time I've seen you around RJ I've seen nothing to suggest that you're an exception. You're even approaching the age where you can begin to properly rock a casual suit.

    If anyone here knows how to find a good hag, that might be another useful source of objective wisdom. ;)

    .
    Oh I tried growing a beard once but I didn't like how it looked on me... But I hear you..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 1:54 AM GMT
    desertmuscl said
    theantijock saidtheantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    Did you people not have music growing up?

    Here, we had great music, borrow some of ours...

    "You people"?


    yes, people, as opposed to republicans. I thought that would be understood without the explanation.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 2:00 AM GMT
    Freddie was always so very concerned about his masculinity

    KatyPrice_article-1358734-0D459FE3000005
    does this vacuum make me look too butch?


  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 11, 2016 2:23 AM GMT
    theantijock saidFreddie was always so very concerned about his masculinity

    KatyPrice_article-1358734-0D459FE3000005
    does this vacuum make me look too butch?




    I wish I had the confidence he did. I used to feel okay until that incident and also when I noticed how guys would run the other way whenever I tried to talk to them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 2:30 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said...
    .
    Oh I tried growing a beard once but I didn't like how it looked on me... But I hear you..


    Just don't rule it out. I was really caught off guard by how my facial hair continued to change over the years; I just assumed it had taken its final form by the end of the teenage years and thought I didn't like it. It wasn't until my early to mid 30s that my upper lip really started to fill in.

    In any case, don't just get rid of it out of habit when you have no need to. If nothing else, just practice living with stubble whenever you've got a long weekend where you don't have to look smooth and clean. If you can (depends on work etc.) you might even want to try cultivating stubble (buzzed with a trimmer instead of shaven smooth) for more than a few days; it should give you a more honest sense of what your facial hair can do, and might help you snap out of the old "fem" image you see when you look in the mirror.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 3:24 AM GMT
    Every good actor knows how important wardrobe and props are to a convincing performance. Dress the part - jeans, t-shirts, flannel shirts, jeans jacket, boots, baseball caps, buy a pickup truck, drink beer and whiskey, grow a beard or a two day stubble if you can, pick a team sport and join a local club (hanging with other masculine guys will give you people to emulate), join a gym. You get the idea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 3:27 AM GMT
    Be yourself. And don't worry about the fact that you're attracted to guys more masculine than you. People don't all seek out clones of themselves.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 3:32 AM GMT
    BloodFlame saidI've been wondering if you knew a feminine guy (or maybe you were one) who successfully changed into a masc guy. I've been trying to do this for a couple months but I often find myself relapsing...

    I mean like for example, my natural style is borderline androgynous with slim fitting clothing but I'm trying to wear baggier clothes but I just hate how I look in them. Like, I have this sweater that admittedly is a girls sweater and I love how it looks on me but I know I can't wear it because well, it's not masc...

    I just feel like as a feminine guy, it's hypocritical of me to be into masculine guys when I'm not one myself which is why I'm trying to change it. At first, I didn't think it would be hard but man was I wrong...

    So I was wondering if I could hear if there had been any successful stories when it came to this subject matter.

    Forget it. Just be yourself. icon_wink.gif
  • interesting

    Posts: 573

    Feb 11, 2016 4:37 AM GMT
    BloodFlame said

    Well.. I would love to stay how I am naturally but I feel like it just turns people away from wanting to get to know me despite me trying to express interest and kindness to them.

    I used to hang out with my brother and his group of 4 friends (2 Straight guys, 1 masculine gay guy). He eventually stopped inviting me to hang out and when I asked him why, he said it was because his friends found me too feminine and made them uncomfortable...

    I mean, I didn't have much in common with them anyway so I usually just observed and spoke when I had something to say but it really did make me feel shitty that they felt so strongly about it. And no, I don't talk like a valley girl or diva which made it all the more saddening...

    So since then, I've been trying to fight against my natural self.


    But if people who don't want to get to know the real you, WHY would you want to get to know them?? This is not something you can change. Don't you realize that when you make THEM uncomfortable, that is their problem, they are uncomfortable based on their preconceptions. It has nothing to do with you, why not find a group to be around that will appreciate your natural self? If not a group, why not certain individuals who are comfortable being around you.
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Feb 11, 2016 4:42 AM GMT
    Why not just be Internet butch like a lot of these queens?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Feb 11, 2016 6:19 AM GMT
    The worst you can possibly do is to try and be someone who you are NOT. Guys are very good at figuring this out.

    Life ain't a short charade or a theatrical. Acting day in - day out is both exhausting and highly counterproductive. You will be wasting your life and failing to achieve your objectives. It hardly gets worse than that, does it?

    True, most guys I have met so far will tell you that they are into masculine guys. Agreed, it is a default. An even greater default is that no one out there is into fakes really. Hence, faking it is really the shortest, most efficient way of losing the game right away.

    Reinvent yourself around the idea of being comfortable and happy with your genuine self. Being genuine about yourself has an amazing power of attraction.

    A dude who is willing to forsake a big part of his identity in hope to find a date is signalling insecurity, failure, and lots of personal luggage, on all the frequencies.

    You do not want to do that...

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 7:04 AM GMT
    Well a not so easy solution would be to put on a lot of muscle and be lean. You pretty much get put in the masc category regardless of how much of a queen you may be just because of how your body looks. Slim fitting clothes on a skinny guy, ehh maybe fem. Slim fitting clothes on a muscular guy = masc and hot.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Feb 11, 2016 10:04 AM GMT
    Firstly
    Most people don't really understand what masculine and feminine are.
    Every person, man and woman, has the masculine and feminine within them.
    It takes a wise and strong man to own the feminine within them and others as society tells men they should not have feminine characteristics within them. A man that embraces his feminine side has more of a capacity for love and nurture amongst other things.

    So you may be skewed towards the feminine within you but you have to trust that you are made that way for a reason. You also have the masculine within you but it may not express itself the way that other people expect it to.

    You need to be ok with your own expression of the masculine and feminine.


    Secondly
    Changing yourself is hard when you don't accept yourself. When you attempt to change yourself without self acceptance. Your inner self will resist because you are sending messages that is is wrong. Trying to change in this way will cause you pain and upset. Imagine telling a baby that there is something wrong with it and it must change. How will it feel? Rejected, unloved and sad.

    This is what you will create within you if you try to change yourself in that way.


    When you love yourself for who you are. Every bit of you then you have more freedom to change. You are no longer telling yourself that there is something wrong with you. That inner part of you is no longer feeling rejected, unloved and abandoned. It feels loved and joyful. The energy that you expend in suppressing yourself is liberated. You have energy for more things.


    Then change becomes easy because it is not a judgement of you. Change is then like trying on new clothes and playing. Like being an actor playing a role.

    So the first work you need to do is to be ok with being you. To love yourself for who you really are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 12:29 PM GMT
    You shouldn't try to be anything other than who you are. Who you are is amazing and whoever doesn't recognise that isn't worth your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2016 2:14 PM GMT
    Pretending to be someone else is exhausting emotionally, mentally, and physically because you have to be "on" 24x7. I wouldn't discourage you from doing what you're doing, but there's a price to pay for that.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Feb 11, 2016 5:38 PM GMT
    interesting saidBut if people who don't want to get to know the real you, WHY would you want to get to know them?? This is not something you can change. Don't you realize that when you make THEM uncomfortable, that is their problem, they are uncomfortable based on their preconceptions. It has nothing to do with you, why not find a group to be around that will appreciate your natural self? If not a group, why not certain individuals who are comfortable being around you.


    I suppose you have a point but it just got to me because I already have a hard time trying to get to know people so the fact that I made them so uncomfortable despite me trying to be as polite and friendly as I can just made me feel well... Crappy...

    SilverRRCloud saidThe worst you can possibly do is to try and be someone who you are NOT. Guys are very good at figuring this out.

    Life ain't a short charade or a theatrical. Acting day in - day out is both exhausting and highly counterproductive. You will be wasting your life and failing to achieve your objectives. It hardly gets worse than that, does it?

    True, most guys I have met so far will tell you that they are into masculine guys. Agreed, it is a default. An even greater default is that no one out there is into fakes really. Hence, faking it is really the shortest, most efficient way of losing the game right away.

    Reinvent yourself around the idea of being comfortable and happy with your genuine self. Being genuine about yourself has an amazing power of attraction.

    A dude who is willing to forsake a big part of his identity in hope to find a date is signalling insecurity, failure, and lots of personal luggage, on all the frequencies.

    You do not want to do that...

    SC


    The bold is a big understatement. I mean, whenever my brother is on his phone when we just hangout by ourselves, his phone is beeping nonstop with Grindr & Scruff messages (I know the sound effect they make when a message is received) and then I look at myself where I can't even get one conversation... It's funny but sad at the same time heh...

    But yes, the relapsing is pretty bad, it feels like two sides are pulling at me internally/mentally.

    But I don't understand how those guys get mad when someone is trying to/pretending to be masc because with the outcry for masculine guys, how is that a problem?

    MrAesthetic saidWell a not so easy solution would be to put on a lot of muscle and be lean. You pretty much get put in the masc category regardless of how much of a queen you may be just because of how your body looks. Slim fitting clothes on a skinny guy, ehh maybe fem. Slim fitting clothes on a muscular guy = masc and hot.


    I'm in the middle of trying that. My end goal isn't too look huge but just more toned but it's not easy since I don't make that much money so it's not easy.

    @Fireworkz

    It's kinda hard to keep confidence when it feels like everyone is against you though...

  • Feb 11, 2016 5:51 PM GMT
    Sweeite, I'm as fem as they come, and nobody will change it. Be yourself and stop worrying what they think. I've had plenty rude experiences with macho guys towards my feminine ways, but life it too short.

    And I don't even act super girly, I'm just very androgynous looking and it throws them off.

    Change yourself because you want to make yourself better, not because you want someone to like you. You'll make yourself miserable trying to live that way.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Feb 11, 2016 5:55 PM GMT
    buddycat saidWhy not just be Internet butch like a lot of these queens?

    icon_wink.gif