When is it useful (or acceptable) to go radio silent in dating?

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    Feb 15, 2016 1:55 AM GMT
    This is a controversial topic, I know. Particularly, for those who have been burned. But I've had a couple friends swear that going radio silent for a little bit during key moments has helped their dating situations significantly. I'm curious what you guys have experienced.

    Edit: (Thanks Desertmuscl)
    Radio silence -
    "When someone doesn't return phone calls or text messages. Most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.
    The girl seemed pretty into me when I met her at the bar, but when I called her the next day, I got total radio silence. "
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    Feb 15, 2016 3:21 AM GMT
    woodfordr saidThis is a controversial topic, I know. Particularly, for those who have been burned. But I've had a couple friends swear that going radio silent for a little bit during key moments has helped their dating situations significantly. I'm curious what you guys have experienced.

    What do you mean by radio silence? You mean completely ignore your boyfriend for a few days?
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Feb 15, 2016 4:16 AM GMT
    When I realize the person does not respect me, and isn't worthy of my time.
    If I go that route, I most likely don't want anything to do with you again.
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    Feb 15, 2016 4:59 AM GMT
    You've probably noticed a number of RJ members who proudly declare their inability to let a taunt go without a response; I've had a number of friends and family members who subconsciously try to manipulate the same underlying insecurity (the inability to ignore a ringing phone or the guilt of not replying to a text) in an attempt to appease their own anxiety no matter how damaging they knew the content of those exchanges would be.

    I've had to very emphatically not answer calls or texts (especially at times when I had already explained I would not be able to take them) and return them on my own time, even if that meant 'radio silence' for a few days, in order to break such codependent cycles. This is more with family than with romantic relationships, but it applies to both and even regular friendships.

    It's awkward and uncomfortable, but in the end I remain convinced it helped to preserve and even rehabilitate those relationships.
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    Feb 15, 2016 5:26 AM GMT
    theantijock%20engage%20stalker%20reducti

    Is this like withholding sex?

    When someone starts gaming me, it's over. Be real or be gone.
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    Feb 15, 2016 5:56 AM GMT
    woodfordr said
    This is a controversial topic, I know. Particularly, for those who have been burned. But I've had a couple friends swear that going radio silent for a little bit during key moments has helped their dating situations significantly. I'm curious what you guys have experienced.

    I'd still like that term defined as you're using it. Do you mean refusing to answer your cell phone calls from a BF? Or does that include holding your tongue when you're both together, to avoid saying something offensive or confrontational?

    Please clarify. A new term for me in this context. I only know it in reference to military radio communications.
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    Feb 15, 2016 5:59 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidAdmittedly, I had to look up the phrase "radio silence" to make sure I understood it correctly.

    The only reason I don't get back to someone right away is because it's not possible. I have to be either too busy or phone reception isn't available from my current location.

    This sounds like a form of passive aggressive malarkey or just playing games with someone in an attempt to gain control. Unfortunately, too many people view relationships as a situation where you have to be in control of

    If I need a timeout from someone I kindly let them know.

    I am, however, curious as to how being radio silent during key moments has helped some people and perhaps gain a new perspective.


    Have you never had a family member try four times during a meeting or exam to call you, and then chide you for making them worry when you took an hour to call them back? And then repeat the exercise the next day, and the next, each time leaving more panicked voice mails? icon_eek.gif
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    Feb 15, 2016 6:21 AM GMT
    When you need alone or me time lol, I don't know if you and your bf or the guy you're dating engage in too much arguments, that's a sign of a not healthy relationship too. Honestly, if a guy makes me feel like I'm going *radio silent on him lol, then it's just a one way trip into me not liking him that much and eventually breaking up. Arg, relationship and dating a man is hard. lol icon_eek.gificon_eek.gif
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    Feb 15, 2016 6:42 AM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle said
    anotherphil said

    Have you never had a family member try four times during a meeting or exam to call you, and then chide you for making them worry when you took an hour to call them back? And then repeat the exercise the next day, and the next, each time leaving more panicked voice mails? icon_eek.gif


    I thought the expression applied to two people pursuing one another in a romantic setting, not family members. I have gotten to know people throughout my life that I thought were becoming friends who played these games. By them doing that, I quickly learned that their idea of friendship didn't align with mine. So I parted ways with them. I am not looking for someone to control me or vice versa.

    It must be exhausting and angering to have a family member behave in this manner.


    Fair enough, but I see it as a fairly universal phenomenon. What I'm trying to say is that for better or worse I've learned to enforce my boundaries without having to get upset when somebody doesn't really realize they're trying to manipulate me.

    I've never *had* to do this in a romantic setting (possibly because I overcompensate by avoiding the clingier types, which in turn might be part of why I'm alone now) but I can envision a number of situations where unilaterally imposing a break when the situation starts spiralling out of control could be justified.

    I *have* seen other relationships (at least straight ones) evolve in the same creepy codependent pattern as the one I describe with my family. She might be unhappy and might not know whether she wants to leave, or she might be going through something difficult that he wants to fight over even though it's not his place to tell her how to feel. Either way he's too possessive to let her have even a few hours, let alone a few days, to think about it. In that case, she'd be right to turn off her phone for a few days to be alone or with friends/family, and I don't see why a gay relationship would be fundamentally different.

    (EDIT: I guess I haven't said outright that it's important to make every reasonable attempt to communicate first, and when going "silent" one should explain and try to establish expectations in advance. If the situation requires disappearing without notice, then that's generally going to be a situation where the relationship shouldn't continue.)
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Feb 15, 2016 6:54 AM GMT
    Yup. Radio silence is a most useful thing.

    I have been traveling for work for quite a few years now, and would normally go offline totally for hours at a time due to the now old flight regulations. Wow. The earth continued to circle round the sun, and the sun rose in the east the next morningicon_idea.gif

    I would be addressing a meeting, a conference, etc., and I would silence all the reception beforehand. Again, the earth continued to circle round the sun, and the sun rose in the east the next morningicon_idea.gif

    It did not take much for me to understand that people will be getting in touch with me at the oddest hours of the day and night only if I let them. And, it also occurred to me that the very best guy to take care of this problem was I.icon_lol.gif

    So, no matter who, what, how or whatever. When the time comes for me to rest from it all, I go into the radio silence. If they cannot wait they'll move on. And so will I.

    Nope. I do not work for the fire brigade or other emergency services. icon_lol.gif

    SC
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    Feb 15, 2016 4:42 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    woodfordr said
    This is a controversial topic, I know. Particularly, for those who have been burned. But I've had a couple friends swear that going radio silent for a little bit during key moments has helped their dating situations significantly. I'm curious what you guys have experienced.

    I'd still like that term defined as you're using it. Do you mean refusing to answer your cell phone calls from a BF? Or does that include holding your tongue when you're both together, to avoid saying something offensive or confrontational?

    Please clarify. A new term for me in this context. I only know it in reference to military radio communications.


    It means this:

    Radio silence -
    "When someone doesn't return phone calls or text messages. Most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.
    The girl seemed pretty into me when I met her at the bar, but when I called her the next day, I got total radio silence. "

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    Feb 15, 2016 6:44 PM GMT
    I'm used to the term from cheezy spy comedies, as in "Maintain radio silence". It's an imperative, and the initiating party says it outright, which is how I do it in real life.

    "I won't be able to take any calls this weekend, but I'll talk to you when I get back"

    "I know you've been worried but I'm very busy and I need you to trust that I can take care of myself; I'll get back to you when I can"

    Of course, in real life as with the corny spy comedies, the idiot on the other end always *immediately* breaks radio silence a mere awkward pause after it was requested. ;)
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Feb 15, 2016 7:56 PM GMT
    Why do people play games?..Do they ever think about telling a person...Hey...I'm really into you...Nahhhh...The fucking games continue.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Feb 15, 2016 10:27 PM GMT
    desertmuscl saidIt means this:

    Radio silence -
    "When someone doesn't return phone calls or text messages. Most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.
    The girl seemed pretty into me when I met her at the bar, but when I called her the next day, I got total radio silence. "



    Doesn't this have to be discussed beforehand? If a relationship is in its early stages, neither knows the other well so ANY happenings that can be construed as a potential negative have to be touched upon in advance. Suddenly having a fellow stop taking my calls or ignoring my texts out of the blue without explanation will make me think he has rudely dumped me.
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    Feb 15, 2016 10:40 PM GMT
    desertmuscl said
    It means this:

    Radio silence -
    "When someone doesn't return phone calls or text messages. Most commonly used when trying to develop a relationship with someone.
    The girl seemed pretty into me when I met her at the bar, but when I called her the next day, I got total radio silence. "

    OIC. OK, thanks. Now I know.
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    Feb 16, 2016 1:56 AM GMT
    So the question is regarding a date, not some nutty relative or other person who calls too often - wanting an immediate call back from us. Ok, so if I go out on a date with someone and then for some reason the guy gives me radio silence, I'd be so out of there. He'd be history. Done. Aloha on the steel guitar. Nobody's ever pulled this childish shit on me. If this is a new trend, I'd better not see it happen to me. There are so many high quality guys out there to date, especially if you live in Silicon Valley. Just say "Next"!"
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    Feb 16, 2016 2:31 AM GMT
    We make our lives so complicated at times...

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    Feb 16, 2016 2:35 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYup. Radio silence is a most useful thing.

    I have been traveling for work for quite a few years now, and would normally go offline totally for hours at a time due to the now old flight regulations. Wow. The earth continued to circle round the sun, and the sun rose in the east the next morningicon_idea.gif

    I would be addressing a meeting, a conference, etc., and I would silence all the reception beforehand. Again, the earth continued to circle round the sun, and the sun rose in the east the next morningicon_idea.gif

    It did not take much for me to understand that people will be getting in touch with me at the oddest hours of the day and night only if I let them. And, it also occurred to me that the very best guy to take care of this problem was I.icon_lol.gif

    So, no matter who, what, how or whatever. When the time comes for me to rest from it all, I go into the radio silence. If they cannot wait they'll move on. And so will I.

    Nope. I do not work for the fire brigade or other emergency services. icon_lol.gif


    QFT ^

    It helps to keep a sense of the "Natural". Natural (i.e. "normal") communication between two parties is oral and face-to-face. Anything beyond that is merely an application of a technology which one is in no way obligated to treat as one's master. The invention of paper and ink gave rise to the letter, as well as the "time of transmission." The invention of electricity and the telegraph gave rise to a more rapid method of transmission. The invention of the telephone allowed instantaneous oral communication over a telephone line, the then next closest approximation only to natural communication, provided the recipient answered the telephone. Without belaboring the exegesis of the further steps in this progression, we now are in the era of instantaneous transmission world-wide based on very high level technologies based on the production of electricity with internet access, emails, text messages of various sorts, and voice transmissions, all wrapped into a cell phone. All these enhanced gadgets are not "normal" in the sense of being part of a NATURAL system of two people talking face-to-face. Therefore, impose whatever limits one chooses to maintain a level of civil society one chooses for oneself. Anyone who is ticked because you have turned off your cell phone simply isn't very socially conscious or sophisticated. Tell them to "deal with it."