Attracting unavailable men

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 11:59 AM GMT
    In the last 4 months I've been analyzing my relationships and why it didn't work out and this seems to be the common theme,,I don't know if it's bad luck, desperation, or maybe I'm the problem. The last 3 guys I've met didn't work out.

    Guy 1. Seeing/talking for a month, told me he's confused about his sexuality and thought he figured it out, well that wasn't the case, because long story short the last time we met, we were finally intimate and he admitted he wasn't looking for anything serious. (I went with it cause I was curious and it was his first time having intercourse with a guy) after that never heard from him again.

    Guy 2. Met before but he's been hot and cold and haven't seen him again until we ran into each other at the club. We've exchanged numbers and hung out at his place, I was intimidate with him too and I thought things were going good as he told me he liked my eyes and wanted to see me more often. A few days later I texted him suggesting to hangout on Valentine's Day and he replied a week later saying he was busy and will keep me posted. That never happened and haven't heard from him since.

    Guy 3. Met on tinder and worked out together since we go to the same gym and I come to know that he's straight.

    Now I'm chatting with a new guy and trying to meet him and I don't it's going to work either because I saw on his Facebook that he is in a relationship (haven't asked him yet; want to ask in person) and I texted him yesterday about when he is free and he told me he's 'not sure.' No indication of interest. I said to him to let me know.

    Honestly I'm over it, ever since I broke up with my ex boyfriend I always had bad luck with men. I don't know why I keep attracting these guys. :/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 4:12 PM GMT
    Ha, ha. You meet 3 guys and call it quits? Finding a guy is like finding a needle in a haystack. You will need to talk to and be friendly to everyone you meet ,everywhere ....hundreds of people .....before social intercourse turns into sexual intercourse.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 873

    Feb 19, 2016 5:06 PM GMT
    You may want to work on your observation abilities a biticon_biggrin.gif

    Yup. Every rational dude out there is chatting/attempting to date several dudes at the same time. With the proximity apps, this is so easy, it is actually counterproductive icon_rolleyes.gif Especially for those who are not really playing the game, and are taking the texts they receive at their face value.

    Like with so many other things in life, you (and pretty much everybody else, too) get what you paid/invested into it. Grindr/Tinder and many txts in-between is really not much. Bumping into a dude you knew in a club and exchanging the phone #? Not much...

    A dude who wants to socialize but is str8?

    True, 3 attempts are far, far too few to say in the least. Yet, you want to turn the table on the 'players' out there, and win the game, too.

    Red flags:

    Dude is not sure? He does not know?

    Dude is in his 'it is TOO complicated' phase.

    Dude loves to dive into massive radio silence.

    etc., etc

    Good Leads:

    Let's meet today or tomorrow for something non-binding as coffees.

    Talk freely and openly. If a dude has to many unknowns and too many doubts, he needs space and time. You ain't God or NASA to give it to him...

    Grow friendship/w or w/o benefits at a good speed. If a dude needs a month to get down to being intimate w you, he is likely to be either slow or somehow damaged or at least ill-adjusted to this time and age.

    Keep on checking the vibe/mesh. Keep on doing things together that work well for both of you.

    ...

    SC
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 19, 2016 7:20 PM GMT
    Did you ever notice that the classic picture of a fisherman is a guy sitting on the shore with calm all around? That is because it is a process of putting the hook in the water and having just the right fish come along. Fish are not all eager to be caught. Some like to nibble at the bait. Some like to put up a fight and break the line. If you get a couple of good fish in a long, long day you have done well.

    Get the idea?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 8:56 PM GMT
    A few random thoughts:

    Recreational sex should only be done with friends.

    If you meet him at the club, he might not remember everything he said in the morning. "Last night you said you loved how small it is."

    Saying, "I'm so confused" got me a lot of blow jobs in college.

    Ask all the important questions while the pants are still on:
    "Is there a history of mental illness in your family."
    "I got tested 2 weeks ago. When was your last test?"
    "What exactly do you mean by 'he deserves to be stalked?'"
    "Are you saying you're confused just to get a blow job?"
    Etc

    Confusion is sexually transmitted. If he's confused and you have sex with him, you'll be confused too.

    Hook up sites are for hook ups, usually.

    Sex before or without dinner is a hook up.

    Introduce him to your friends first even if you have a man stealing ho for a friend. If a man stealing ho can't pull him, he might be a keeper.

    3 is not that many.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 9:14 PM GMT
    Why would you want to attract unavailable men? Attracting available men is hard enough....icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 10:26 PM GMT
    ya thats how i initially read the OP's post. but rather the OP is thinking he will be attracted to flaky dates for the rest of his life.

    maybe the OP comes off as not totally interested and he may not be over his X yet. I dont know. Not a lot of information and maybe Im not really interested because it sounds like he is doing all the right things and all will work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 19, 2016 10:53 PM GMT
    You're actually attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Sorry buddy, this is all you icon_biggrin.gif. You literally are seeking these men out like a hot missile, and when you come into contact with a man who seems unavailable, a part of you becomes very turned on because your sense of self identification and comfort level is established firmly when a man is leading you to believe there is potential, but will ultimately reject you soon.

    I am betting that you either had a father or male figure in your childhood that wanted to love you but simply never had the time to follow up, and that became your ingrained belief on how you should experience love and affection from a man. Figure out when in your childhood this happened, rewrite your beliefs on the matter by changing "why" these men rejected you and gain some power. Once you figure it all out you will become more attracted to men who are actually available, until then you will live in a permanent loop until you fix your dysfunctional behavior.

    Good Luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 1:18 AM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYou may want to work on your observation abilities a biticon_biggrin.gif

    Yup. Every rational dude out there is chatting/attempting to date several dudes at the same time. With the proximity apps, this is so easy, it is actually counterproductive icon_rolleyes.gif Especially for those who are not really playing the game, and are taking the texts they receive at their face value.

    Like with so many other things in life, you (and pretty much everybody else, too) get what you paid/invested into it. Grindr/Tinder and many txts in-between is really not much. Bumping into a dude you knew in a club and exchanging the phone #? Not much...

    A dude who wants to socialize but is str8?

    True, 3 attempts are far, far too few to say in the least. Yet, you want to turn the table on the 'players' out there, and win the game, too.

    Red flags:

    Dude is not sure? He does not know?

    Dude is in his 'it is TOO complicated' phase.

    Dude loves to dive into massive radio silence.

    etc., etc

    Good Leads:

    Let's meet today or tomorrow for something non-binding as coffees.

    Talk freely and openly. If a dude has to many unknowns and too many doubts, he needs space and time. You ain't God or NASA to give it to him...

    Grow friendship/w or w/o benefits at a good speed. If a dude needs a month to get down to being intimate w you, he is likely to be either slow or somehow damaged or at least ill-adjusted to this time and age.

    Keep on checking the vibe/mesh. Keep on doing things together that work well for both of you.

    ...

    SC


    You're right I do need to work on my observation skills,,one thing I'm trying to work on is not be too trusting or I do give guys the benefit of the doubt often. I do have to admit unfortunately I am attracted to the 'bad boys' so maybe that's why I keep missing the red flags. Good advise SC, thank you. I've always enjoyed your wealth of knowledge on here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 1:25 AM GMT
    jimib saidA few random thoughts:

    Recreational sex should only be done with friends.

    If you meet him at the club, he might not remember everything he said in the morning. "Last night you said you loved how small it is."

    Saying, "I'm so confused" got me a lot of blow jobs in college.

    Ask all the important questions while the pants are still on:
    "Is there a history of mental illness in your family."
    "I got tested 2 weeks ago. When was your last test?"
    "What exactly do you mean by 'he deserves to be stalked?'"
    "Are you saying you're confused just to get a blow job?"
    Etc

    Confusion is sexually transmitted. If he's confused and you have sex with him, you'll be confused too.

    Hook up sites are for hook ups, usually.

    Sex before or without dinner is a hook up.

    Introduce him to your friends first even if you have a man stealing ho for a friend. If a man stealing ho can't pull him, he might be a keeper.

    3 is not that many.



    I like your confusion analogy, makes sense and yea I agree you should be friends with a guy before being intimate. I do make them wait especially if they are going to deflower me. But even doing the deed they don't stay long after that. Yes I know 3 isn't much but I think it's starting to get high. Last year I had 6 guys that I was intimate with and that's too much guys lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 1:28 AM GMT
    TO23 saidYou're actually attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Sorry buddy, this is all you icon_biggrin.gif. You literally are seeking these men out like a hot missile, and when you come into contact with a man who seems unavailable, a part of you becomes very turned on because your sense of self identification and comfort level is established firmly when a man is leading you to believe there is potential, but will ultimately reject you soon.

    I am betting that you either had a father or male figure in your childhood that wanted to love you but simply never had the time to follow up, and that became your ingrained belief on how you should experience love and affection from a man. Figure out when in your childhood this happened, rewrite your beliefs on the matter by changing "why" these men rejected you and gain some power. Once you figure it all out you will become more attracted to men who are actually available, until then you will live in a permanent loop until you fix your dysfunctional behavior.

    Good Luck


    I think you are on to something. I admit i never had a strong relationship with my father and it makes it worse that he doesn't approve of me being gay. Oh god I feel like damaged goods,,,,no wonder I can't keep a man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 1:32 AM GMT
    I know some of you mentioned about 3 guys being not a lot and true but I've been in this game since I was 16 and after awhile it keeps old having the same thing happen again. Someone mentioned me not being over my ex, and well I am over him but when I look back to all the guys I've met, he's the one who treated me the best, the best lover and after him, honestly no guys I've met so far can compare.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 1:39 AM GMT
    If your situation means you're "damaged goods", that means that everyone in the world is damaged goods. Everyone has setbacks and obstacles, and there's no need to feel shame because of it. Just work hard and figure yourself out and everything eventually works out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 4:07 AM GMT
    How about this.Make a list of things that are non negotiable for you.Some examples.The guy must be out.Must have a full time job.Must be somewhat intelligent.Must drive.Whatever.....then use that to weed out the losers and you can just use them for sex.You won't wonder if they want a relationship cause they don't make your cut.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Feb 20, 2016 5:45 AM GMT
    Guy 1: Said he was confused about his sexuality. Stop right there. Next!

    Guy 2: You had sex once then you talked about Valentines Day. You cannot talk about Valentines Day with someone you're dating until you've been dating for months. You scared him off. Next!

    Guy 3: He's straight-ish. Next!

    Guy 4: He's in a relationship and you haven't even met him. Next!

    I am not sure you are attracting anything in particular. Sounds like normal dating life. Keep at it. You will succeed eventually.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Feb 20, 2016 9:40 AM GMT
    I think you are on to something. I admit i never had a strong relationship with my father and it makes it worse that he doesn't approve of me being gay. Oh god I feel like damaged goods,,,,no wonder I can't keep a man



    That was my read as well. Your post screamed of seeking out relationships that are most likely to fail.

    Recognizing your pattern and being able to say no to repeating it is a very hard and very intensive commitment requiring thing. If this is the case, you are hardwired to seek approval and attention from people that are unlikely and ill prepared to give it. That is a safety zone where you are free to experience the thrills of attraction and the reward of attention from someone who doesn't give it easily while risking nothing because a part of you is sure of the eventual outcome and perhaps even seeking it.

    The real hard part to wrap your head around is this is what you like and prefer. When you meet someone or read someone's profile and find yourself attracted to them you will have to really think deeply about what it is you are attracted to about them. About the situation and you will have to choose people you ARE LESS ATTRACTED TO instead. That is hard. We're conditioned to just sort of like what we like and do what we do. It's easy to come up with all sorts of reasons why this person is "different" or "i am aware of this now i can handle it" only to find yourself making the same mistakes going after the same types of unavailable people. The unavailability is what you like, it's what makes them seem more handsome and interesting or funny or unique. They aren't, they're just like everyone else but that's the trick you play on yourself.


    It's fine if adventure is all you want. But if you are looking for something long term or the possibility of long term it's a habit you need to really work on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 11:16 AM GMT
    My friend you have meet a series of jerks. They got the sex from you & split. I have learned the hard way, like you, that sometimes you must draw a line in the sand. When I decided that I did not absolutely HAVE to be in a relationship the cycle of attracting unavailable guys ended. Some guys are like dogs they sense your desperation and they use it to swindle you out of sex! When I learned to be by myself, to take care of myself, to feed the spiritual side of my self, (ie spend time with God, ect.) I began attracting guys who were looking for something serious. (The Irony, at that point, was I was content, then, and DID not want a relationship.) Maybe you should take some time out to love, nurture and develop yourself instead of searching for jerks? perhaps?icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 12:44 PM GMT
    Soccerboi said
    jimib saidA few random thoughts:

    Recreational sex should only be done with friends.

    If you meet him at the club, he might not remember everything he said in the morning. "Last night you said you loved how small it is."

    Saying, "I'm so confused" got me a lot of blow jobs in college.

    Ask all the important questions while the pants are still on:
    "Is there a history of mental illness in your family."
    "I got tested 2 weeks ago. When was your last test?"
    "What exactly do you mean by 'he deserves to be stalked?'"
    "Are you saying you're confused just to get a blow job?"
    Etc

    Confusion is sexually transmitted. If he's confused and you have sex with him, you'll be confused too.

    Hook up sites are for hook ups, usually.

    Sex before or without dinner is a hook up.

    Introduce him to your friends first even if you have a man stealing ho for a friend. If a man stealing ho can't pull him, he might be a keeper.

    3 is not that many.



    I like your confusion analogy, makes sense and yea I agree you should be friends with a guy before being intimate. I do make them wait especially if they are going to deflower me. But even doing the deed they don't stay long after that. Yes I know 3 isn't much but I think it's starting to get high. Last year I had 6 guys that I was intimate with and that's too much guys lol.


    If you want a relationship work for a relationship. Sex is part of a good relationship. Sex may not be the best way to start a relationship. I'm definitely not saying "make him wait". The hard work of a relationship is the time spent getting to know each other. Pay attention to his involuntary reactions. The way the eyes dilate when he looks at you. The way his speech fumbles when he tells you something important. Some involuntary reactions are only apparent when he's naked. Let's just say if it's pointing straight at you he's just horny. If it's curving toward his face, he's really horny just for you. Take the time to get to know him.
  • FitBlackCuddl...

    Posts: 802

    Feb 20, 2016 5:36 PM GMT
    LJay saidDid you ever notice that the classic picture of a fisherman is a guy sitting on the shore with calm all around? That is because it is a process of putting the hook in the water and having just the right fish come along. Fish are not all eager to be caught. Some like to nibble at the bait. Some like to put up a fight and break the line. If you get a couple of good fish in a long, long day you have done well.

    Get the idea?


    Likely NOT. Men, "gay" especially, seem fixated ONLY on the conquest, the appealing results. If the process takes too long, is time to cast the line elsewhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 7:33 PM GMT
    robbaker saidi've bet you're going after them narcissistic pretentious circuit type fags that's probably why they don't want you.icon_rolleyes.gif


    Actually no, I've never been into the bar star/circuit type. But thanks for your input though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 7:41 PM GMT
    Most of you guys say I need to work on myself..and I have and I know I'll curb this pattern. The gym is my sanctuary so It helps me to get away and my second home. Thank you to everyone for the wonderful advice!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Feb 20, 2016 8:35 PM GMT
    It's possible that unconsciously you want to attract these types of men. You may verbally express you want a one on one relationship but mentally that's the last thing you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2016 10:15 PM GMT
    Well, I know it can be frustrating when you put in effort to get to know guys only to find out that they are not gonna work out for one reason or another. I will say that since you are only 24 years old, it might be better to think of the next few years as exploring guys. You're going to run into all types, unavailable, clingy, too shy, too self-centered, not confident enough, sketchy, boring.... You'll also run into some great guys as well. You've got a lot to look forward to, so don't make the mistakes many of us have made in secretly asking ourselves "is he the one?" with every guy you interact with. Instead, think "could he be a good potential friend?" and just look for good qualities and light fun along the way. When you have no expectations good matches tend to drop down out of nowhere.

    The other thing that I have learned is not to give up on guys who are not that into right away. I can't tell you how many guys have hit me up months and even years later saying that we had a great connection and that they just weren't ready back then. Good luck and keep your head up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2016 6:18 AM GMT


    TO23 saidYou're actually attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Sorry buddy, this is all you icon_biggrin.gif. You literally are seeking these men out like a hot missile, and when you come into contact with a man who seems unavailable, a part of you becomes very turned on because your sense of self identification and comfort level is established firmly when a man is leading you to believe there is potential, but will ultimately reject you soon.

    I am betting that you either had a father or male figure in your childhood that wanted to love you but simply never had the time to follow up, and that became your ingrained belief on how you should experience love and affection from a man. Figure out when in your childhood this happened, rewrite your beliefs on the matter by changing "why" these men rejected you and gain some power. Once you figure it all out you will become more attracted to men who are actually available, until then you will live in a permanent loop until you fix your dysfunctional behavior.

    Good Luck


    Have to agree with this, however in a more delicate way. Our subconscious mind works in interesting ways, and it often plays an repeating message learned in early life. Ultimately you are choosing who you want to engage with. You may think its random, but it isn't. The qualities of people you find attractive (and the people you don't even think twice about) are ingrained in your mind.

    It takes hard work to unpack this unconscious value system, and as our friend here says, it may have been learned in an early emotional relationship like the one you have with your parents, or through another significant emotional event, even a traumatic one. As a young person, your mind makes a series of equations that link those feelings with your idea of love. Sometimes those equations are incorrectly formed from a young inexperienced mind dealing with complicated or traumatic experiences that it doesn't understand. In adult life, our minds still rely on those equations when we are unconsciously calculating who is attractive, available, and will fit my idea of the loving person I want to be with.

    Where I depart from our friend's advice is that those equations may be so deeply buried that it is difficult for you to see on your own, as you go through daily life. Can't see the forest for the trees. This is when you may benefit from professional counseling to help you uncover those equations gently, while providing you the tools and exercises to re-formulate those equations. Doing so can help you start being conscious of those equations while you are dating. In the long run, it can help you re-write those equations, so that you can let go of those early ingrained ideas of love, and press re-set. Good luck!
  • mcbrion

    Posts: 305

    Mar 17, 2016 11:08 PM GMT
    TO23 saidYou're actually attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Sorry buddy, this is all you icon_biggrin.gif. You literally are seeking these men out like a hot missile, and when you come into contact with a man who seems unavailable, a part of you becomes very turned on because your sense of self identification and comfort level is established firmly when a man is leading you to believe there is potential, but will ultimately reject you soon.

    I am betting that you either had a father or male figure in your childhood that wanted to love you but simply never had the time to follow up, and that became your ingrained belief on how you should experience love and affection from a man. Figure out when in your childhood this happened, rewrite your beliefs on the matter by changing "why" these men rejected you and gain some power. Once you figure it all out you will become more attracted to men who are actually available, until then you will live in a permanent loop until you fix your dysfunctional behavior.

    Good Luck


    I would have to agree with this. It's completely psychologically valid. (Gay - and plenty of straight!) men whose fathers were not available are drawn to guys who are not available as a subconscious way of fixing the First relationship that defines a man's life: his relationship with dad. And, should he meet a guy who actually likes him and is consistent in his behavior, he frequently runs away from the healthy guy because his own esteem is so damaged he thinks, 'if this guy likes me, what does that say about him?' It doesn't say as much as about the healthy guy as it does that you would reject someone who is emotionally available (assuming you're attracted to him).