Meeting guys offline

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 20, 2016 5:47 PM GMT
    Has anyone had success with this? I've been gradually weaning myself from gay apps and sites(this is my last one, might delete soon). Problem is, nothing has happened so far since I first realized I was into dudes. I'm almost 24 and I don't want to be a 40 yr old gay uncle who never had a relationship or kids/sexually active life.
    My problem with online is that it doesn't feel real. I don't feel infatuation or crushes for people online, it's not as exciting as "getting the girl" in real life. Plus everyone who's even bangable lives hella far away. And I'm worried being too out on these sites might hurt my chances with guys who might see me as too gay for being associated with gay stuff.

    But it seems like everyone in the world's straight. My professors, my friends, relatives, fraternity brothers, the guy who works at the gas station. I even created a blank female profile for tinder just to see which guys in my area were straight. Turns out just about every dude I've checked out on my campus is straight, or at least possibly closeted bi but looking for women. And please don't say join your local lgbt club, I can't really picture any guys in the rugby team going there.

    I don't want to come off as desperate or shallow, I like to think I'm becoming more well-adjusted, I work out, have a solid group of friends, in a frat, part time job, etc. But it would be nice to at least have a sexually active/dating life like straight people my age do. I try to be friendly or positive with strangers(although I think I have social anxiety, which may be why people say I need to "calm down, or "why do you look so nervous, serious, fidgety").

    So realistically, what could gay dudes(who don't set off gaydar) do to meet each other in real life without apps or gay oriented groups? Get lucky?
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 874

    Feb 20, 2016 6:39 PM GMT
    Dude:

    You are 24. Your clock is ticking. You want to take swift, positive action. Telling yourself what you do not like, and what does not work for you is fine as long as you have a viable alternative. Do you?

    If your environment sucks (and not in a good way), you know only too well what you need to do. Telling yourself and us how the guys who you would want to date are ALL str8 or bi but looking for GFs is not going to help anyone, is it?

    How about a weekend away from the str8 frat house & str8 gas station to gay friendlier shores?

    SC
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 20, 2016 6:39 PM GMT
    Other than gay bars and blind luck? try going to events from meetup.com or something.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Feb 20, 2016 10:47 PM GMT
    Nothing wrong with online. I have several long-time friends I met online and had meets with that are solid, great guys. My partner of over eight years I met online. I agree that proximity sex apps don't lead to much but profiles tell you a hellofa lot more about a guy than someone you meet offline. Try getting to know a guy who's profile interests you before you meet and when you do, you should have some common interests. Of course chemistry has to work, too, but that's always the wild card. Just use your brain in addition to your eyes when contacting him.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 12:02 AM GMT
    I don't think you can get to where you want to be without having at least a few one-night stands and some short lived relationships. It takes trial and error to actually grow.

    EDIT: I have social anxiety as well, it sucks. It gets better over time. People get so scurred when I'm in the room, they look at me like I'm a serial killer or something. icon_lol.gif
  • buddycat

    Posts: 1874

    Feb 21, 2016 4:17 AM GMT
    You would be surprised who joins LGBT clubs on campus. Other than that, there is just gay bars and gay places like coffee houses in gay areas. You might also try some gay sports teams.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 5:07 AM GMT
    AverageJoes20s saidHas anyone had success with this? I've been gradually weaning myself from gay apps and sites(this is my last one, might delete soon). Problem is, nothing has happened so far since I first realized I was into dudes. I'm almost 24 and I don't want to be a 40 yr old gay uncle who never had a relationship or kids/sexually active life.
    My problem with online is that it doesn't feel real. I don't feel infatuation or crushes for people online, it's not as exciting as "getting the girl" in real life. Plus everyone who's even bangable lives hella far away. And I'm worried being too out on these sites might hurt my chances with guys who might see me as too gay for being associated with gay stuff.

    But it seems like everyone in the world's straight. My professors, my friends, relatives, fraternity brothers, the guy who works at the gas station. I even created a blank female profile for tinder just to see which guys in my area were straight. Turns out just about every dude I've checked out on my campus is straight, or at least possibly closeted bi but looking for women. And please don't say join your local lgbt club, I can't really picture any guys in the rugby team going there.

    I don't want to come off as desperate or shallow, I like to think I'm becoming more well-adjusted, I work out, have a solid group of friends, in a frat, part time job, etc. But it would be nice to at least have a sexually active/dating life like straight people my age do. I try to be friendly or positive with strangers(although I think I have social anxiety, which may be why people say I need to "calm down, or "why do you look so nervous, serious, fidgety").

    So realistically, what could gay dudes(who don't set off gaydar) do to meet each other in real life without apps or gay oriented groups? Get lucky?

    Wut?
  • Tawrich

    Posts: 67

    Feb 21, 2016 5:10 AM GMT
    Try volunteering with lgbt focused groups. If you're not looking for an overt "gay" group then try medical outreach. It's a great way to meet goal driven and compassionate people. Obviously don't do it just to get laid especially in anything medically related.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 5:13 AM GMT
    In India, its not uncommon to pick up straight dudes every now and again.

    Gays of poor families, who are not connected to the world of internet often have what we say "cruising spots" where they pick up.


    As for USA, don't they have gay sporting events? Join one of them to get your beef.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 7:15 AM GMT
    I worry about the same thing, since I only meet guys online. I don't go to gay clubs, and I haven't participated in an LGBT organization ever since I left England.

    I'd like to try to do gay dodgeball up here in Toronto, and I'd like to do ballroom dancing, where I suspect I'd meet a lot of gay guys. But online has been working moderately well for me. I wouldn't feel bad about meeting guys from online.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 7:28 AM GMT
    Fell like im in the same boat. Guys around me are literally all old guys or a bunch of little twinks (no offense to either group just not my thing). Where are the guys my age that just act like a normal guy and aren't half bad looking. I've visited nearby bigger cities and there are a plethora of ideal guys I could see myself with. Maybe it's just time to accept there is nothing in the areas we live in and just up and leave for a bigger area with more people to choose from.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 8:13 AM GMT
    I'm in the same boat too. It's hard meeting gay guys.

    "My problem with online is that it doesn't feel real. I don't feel infatuation or crushes for people online, it's not as exciting as "getting the girl" in real life."

    Story of my life. It's hard forming chemistry with someone's 2D profile picture online. It would be nice if gays were the majority instead, ya know? ;P People are generally much more attractive in person I feel like. You get a better sense of their movements, how they walk, how they talk, etc. It would be so much nicer to get to know someone in real life first from school/work/whatever and THEN develop a romantic interest in them.

    I wish I had advice for you. I've only had a few first dates that went nowhere and two awkward and uncomfortable hookups, all from meeting guys online. I also made out with a total stranger in a gay nightclub a few weeks ago while I was hammered, and it was a fun life experience. But again, it went nowhere.

    I get kind of depressed thinking about how most of the straight people I know my age (I'm also 24) have already had their first loves or have had multiple lovers in their life who they met from work/school/etc, and I'm still sitting here just sorta not going anywhere with that.

    Maybe go to a few gay bars/clubs? It's the only way I can think of. If it's not your thing, maybe have a few drinks first and then go so it's more tolerable? icon_razz.gif I've only been to gay bars/clubs twice. Thinking about going again by myself just to... maybe have another life experience, I don't know. But then again, a lot of gay clubs now a days are mostly straight people (well, mostly straight women) with a gay friendly atmosphere. So.

    Sigh. It's rough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 3:40 PM GMT
    MrAesthetic saidFell like im in the same boat. Guys around me are literally all old guys or a bunch of little twinks (no offense to either group just not my thing). Where are the guys my age that just act like a normal guy and aren't half bad looking. I've visited nearby bigger cities and there are a plethora of ideal guys I could see myself with. Maybe it's just time to accept there is nothing in the areas we live in and just up and leave for a bigger area with more people to choose from.


    Ya that's part of where I was getting at. It's hard for people our age group to find anyone who at least meets basic requirements to be interested in them in your own area. Usually straight people have plenty of peers to choose from, but ya hate to say it but we might just have to move to a major city for any shot at all
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 4:22 PM GMT
    Story of my life. It's hard forming chemistry with someone's 2D profile picture online. It would be nice if gays were the majority instead, ya know? ;P People are generally much more attractive in person I feel like. You get a better sense of their movements, how they walk, how they talk, etc. It would be so much nicer to get to know someone in real life first from school/work/whatever and THEN develop a romantic interest in them.

    Took the words right out of my mouth. Plus it's like, would he have interested in me if hadn't met online, is he just settling and only noticing me online cus all the other options suck? Gay clubs take some planning if you live a distance from one, like finding a friend who would interested in going and that you're comfortable being yourself around if you know what I mean, and it can cost up to a couple hundred bucks for a hotel room, gas, and drinks for a night with mostly straight people and gay guys you wouldn't be interested in.

    I mean lack of dating life isn't the worst thing in the world, but I admit I'm getting a bit frustrated and feel like there's no one to talk about it with, without getting generic advise that doesn't account for taste or coming off as whiny
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 4:36 PM GMT
    And I'm worried being too out on these sites might hurt my chances with guys who might see me as too gay for being associated with gay stuff.

    Wut? [/quote]

    Some guys(especially closeted) aren't interested in gay guys who are too associated with gay culture, or are out of the closet. hashtag#instagay.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Feb 21, 2016 5:46 PM GMT
    AverageJoes20s said apps and Has anyone had success with this? I've been gradually weaning myself from gaysites(this is my last one, might delete soon).

    DON'T...you can learn a LOT here, and you apparently need to because of your relative gay isolation.


    Problem is, nothing has happened so far since I first realized I was into dudes.

    What about just meets/ dates...or flings...or relationships that didn't work out in the end (most of them won't....until you find one that does) And when did you finally acknowledge you are gay?

    I'm almost 24 and I don't want to be a 40 yr old gay uncle who never had a relationship or kids/sexually active life.

    Put that thought right out of your head...NOW. Based on two photos I can assure you that unless you are painfully boring AND offensive that will never happen. If you're too shy to initiate, just park the car in WEHO and go for a walk every weekend. Someone will find you.icon_wink.gif


    But it would be nice to at least have a sexually active/dating life like straight people my age do. I try to be friendly or positive with strangers(although I think I have social anxiety, which may be why people say I need to "calm down, or "why do you look so nervous, serious, fidgety").


    Shy and nervous are ok, even cute. But be careful it doesn't come off as aloof or superior or judgemental. I have seen that happen with really sweet guys who are just completely misunderstood. If is very obvious and severe, make it a point in conversation or text or upon meeting that it's something you struggle with and to not take it the wrong way.


    So realistically, what could gay dudes(who don't set off gaydar) do to meet each other in real life without apps or gay oriented groups? Get lucky?


    NOTHING. You just stated the only obvious solutions without gay friends, which you could get with apps and gay groups; perhaps groups that enjoy: Baseball, Bodybuilding, Martial arts, Swimming, Weight training, Wrestling...or more, but those are the only interests you list on your profile.
  • wild_sky360

    Posts: 1492

    Feb 21, 2016 6:00 PM GMT
    MrAesthetic saidFell like im in the same boat. Guys around me are literally all old guys or a bunch of little twinks (no offense to either group just not my thing). Where are the guys my age that just act like a normal guy and aren't half bad looking. I've visited nearby bigger cities and there are a plethora of ideal guys I could see myself with. Maybe it's just time to accept there is nothing in the areas we live in and just up and leave for a bigger area with more people to choose from.


    Just make a plan to start setting up some cross town meets; like 3 or 4 every saturday for a month. From those maybe make 2 or 3 real dates. Keep your proximity app on while you're in town and see who finds you...or browse / chat while you're between meets in town.

    A little distance shouldn't matter once you find someone good. It's a different story though for a quick hookup. I've dated guys who were an hour away but it didn't matter because we'd spend entire days or weekends together at mine or his.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2016 7:53 PM GMT


    What about just meets/ dates...or flings...or relationships that didn't work out in the end (most of them won't....until you find one that does) And when did you finally acknowledge you are gay?
    Around 20/21 is when I had hookups/made friends with dudes from Grindr but I wasn't attracted to them. It's always the same people on Tinder(never put any likes on there), Grindr, and gay.com(and no where near as desirable as the dudes at my school). I've only gotten lucky once when some either straight or probably bi dude approached me at a party and tried hook up with me. Really hot. I was too drunk/nervous to get hard tho, so he left, and since then I've been waiting for a decent looking normal dude to come my way. I can't go back to online after that. Ugh that sounded shallow af.

    But thanks for trying to help tho, seems like you're giving solid advice
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Feb 22, 2016 1:47 AM GMT
    I don't see how Grindr/online and the bar/club really differ

    I mean, you see someone in person and they can't "block you" but really the whole principle is the same. A lot of people who are on grindr may not go out or they may be the same people in the bars/clubs or sometimes the guys in the bars/clubs may not be online at all but that doesn't make them good catches

    I think, like someone mentioned, it has to happen randomly or through a better source than grindr or a bar
  • onelousymick

    Posts: 23

    Feb 22, 2016 2:13 AM GMT
    AverageJoes20s said

    What about just meets/ dates...or flings...or relationships that didn't work out in the end (most of them won't....until you find one that does) And when did you finally acknowledge you are gay?
    Around 20/21 is when I had hookups/made friends with dudes from Grindr but I wasn't attracted to them. It's always the same people on Tinder(never put any likes on there), Grindr, and gay.com(and no where near as desirable as the dudes at my school). I've only gotten lucky once when some either straight or probably bi dude approached me at a party and tried hook up with me. Really hot. I was too drunk/nervous to get hard tho, so he left, and since then I've been waiting for a decent looking normal dude to come my way. I can't go back to online after that. Ugh that sounded shallow af.

    But thanks for trying to help tho, seems like you're giving solid advice


    I'll make this brief:

    Beyond these kinds of flings, these interactions no doubt feel empty. Let me ask you a few questions and give you some advice.

    Are you out?

    Have you considered moving for work or school?

    At a certain point it's just numbers. Bigger ponds have more of the right type of fish you're looking for.

    What caught my attention was this part: "And I'm worried being too out on these sites might hurt my chances with guys who might see me as too gay for being associated with gay stuff."

    It shows you're not totally comfortable with being gay, and your attitude could very well jeopardize your own happiness if you judge others along those same lines.

    You want a masc, muscular dude who has qualities x,y,z who happens to be gay. Would you be happy with a muscular powerbottom from West Hollywood? Or a cornfed rugby boy from Idaho who also isn't comfortable being openly gay?

    Don't discount online interactions, there may very well be that guy out there for you that's thinking the same thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2016 2:56 AM GMT

    Are you out? Yes, friends and family, not frat. They'd be cool but I thought it'd be a refreshing change of pace to feel normal. Being out hasn't made much of a difference, except of bunch of annoying homos keep flooding my facebook and instagram

    Have you considered moving for work or school?
    That's actually a good idea. If I can, I might see into changing schools, I've been here since i was 19 and nothing came of it with guys, even my buddies say there are like no gay people here at all. Really weird for a college campus

    At a certain point it's just numbers. Bigger ponds have more of the right type of fish you're looking for.

    What caught my attention was this part: "And I'm worried being too out on these sites might hurt my chances with guys who might see me as too gay for being associated with gay stuff."

    It shows you're not totally comfortable with being gay, and your attitude could very well jeopardize your own happiness if you judge others along those same lines.

    I'm mostly fine with being into dudes, I just don't like gay culture or slang, and I know other guys don't either. Ex: Instagay, jockstraps, top & bottom, lgbt clubs, rainbows etc. You've heard it over and over in threads. I'm totally fine with holding a dude's hand in public and stuff like that

    You want a masc, muscular dude who has qualities x,y,z who happens to be gay. Would you be happy with a muscular powerbottom from West Hollywood? Or a cornfed rugby boy from Idaho who also isn't comfortable being openly gay?

    He doesn't have to be muscular or hyper masculine, I've liked hipsters, geeks, or dudes with beer bellies and dad bods. I think I have a healthy range of tastes. Usually gay dudes just don't meet the basic requirements.

    Don't discount online interactions, there may very well be that guy out there for you that's thinking the same thing.[/quote]

    Already hammered this point in. Besides, it's easy to resort to acting dirty, I don't feel good about myself after being pressured into showing a cock pic, it'll catch up with me eventually. I could go on forever about why it doesn't work for me.

    I appreciate yours, and everyone's input tho. I actually feel a lot better after airing it out. I think I can be patient for a little longer
  • kredone

    Posts: 15

    Feb 22, 2016 6:14 AM GMT
    I come from and live in a smaller town and it may be the location but there are a lot of different kinds of gay guys that live in this area. I have been lucky to meet a few of them and while some are as you described, into being gay, many of them are just people who happen to be gay. The problem with it being a smaller town is that, yes, your pools are a little smaller to pull from but you have to keep in mind that everyone who is gay isn't always advertising it. It is one of the few things working against a gay person trying to date - is the person you are talking to into guys and into you?

    I surround myself with straight guys because that just happens to be who my friends are and I like that I can talk openly with them about anything. The only thing that doesn't work in my favor is that spending time with them means I am not out finding someone to date.

    As far as the gay apps go, I think it is possible to use it as a tool to find someone in your area to bypass the questioning (is he gay or straight) portion of getting to know someone. In the real world, and online, there are going to be guys that want things you don't and there are going to be a lot of them always. Never feel pressured into making connections with people who want something you don't (private pics, sexually explicit communication) and focus on any connection with someone who you feel comfortable meeting up with. I have met some amazing guys via online apps.

    That being said, I am also in the process of just getting to know guys in person first and it is hard. Part of it is my age - I am so old compared to you but still so young in the grand scheme of things. Where I live, there are a lot of guys older than me and 10 years younger than me out and about but when I find someone my age I get really excited because it seems to be very rare. It isn't that they don't exist, they do, I am just not very well built to find them on my own. I have never thought relocating is a solution to everything that people make it a solution for. Yes, there are times when you need to move and get a fresh perspective and be around different people. Overall, everywhere and everyone is basically the same so if you are looking for more relocating to a larger population makes sense.

    Best of luck to you on your search. Do what you are comfortable with, even if it doesn't match up to what others expect of you.
  • Peterluke

    Posts: 23

    Feb 22, 2016 8:28 AM GMT
    It's 2016, it's easier than ever to have hook ups but harder than ever to have a stable long relationship. Just live your life and if the right guy comes along, go for it.
  • MarvinMartian

    Posts: 128

    Feb 22, 2016 11:05 AM GMT
    AverageJoes20s said
    Being out hasn't made much of a difference, except of bunch of annoying homos keep flooding my facebook and instagram


    I think I know why you have trouble meeting blokes.
  • Farmboy8

    Posts: 88

    Feb 22, 2016 3:13 PM GMT
    MarvinMartian said
    AverageJoes20s said
    Being out hasn't made much of a difference, except of bunch of annoying homos keep flooding my facebook and instagram


    I think I know why you have trouble meeting blokes.


    You took the words right out of my mouth!
    If you feel comfortable using some of your descriptive language in telling us your tale of woe, I suggest you spend more time getting to know ( REALLY know) yourself. Stop chasing and searching and put that energy into self reflection. Be brutally honest with yourself and if you are okay with what you see, then learn to love that person..... truly love that person and you will be amazed how people will react.