Ever been ghosted by a friend or lover?

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 12:34 AM GMT
    So I was ghosted by a friend of 3 years in November/December. I went through all the stages of grief, partied it out of my system, and I'm mostly better now. But I just don't understand how ghosting is a thing. Are we really becoming this anti-social in these modern times?

    My friend was older than me by 20 years, and he had feelings for me. I guess I was insensitive to these feelings by talking about this guy I was seeing all the time. I also became very emotionally demanding in the friendship later on, as I had just finished school, couldn't find a job, and fell into a deep depression. I also feel like he wasn't as invested in the friendship as much as I was, he was just sticking around hoping that we'd become more in the long-term. When he saw this would never happen, he just bailed. Also, things were no longer "fun" for him. In the end, it was what it was. I just don't understand why it's so hard to forge real friendships with gay men.

    He also had a pretty fucked up past and was probably used to just bailing on people. He slept with over 2,000 men (his own estimation) and ended up contracting HIV (but only towards the end of his "career"). I guess some of his street habits (using people for what he could get, then tossing them after) stuck, but I don't understand why it's so hard to just tell someone you don't want to see them anymore. Tell me to fuck off! I MUCH prefer that over you just disappearing from my life.

    Anyway, I'd love to hear your stories, if you have them.
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    Feb 21, 2016 1:01 AM GMT
    My story is not nearly as dramatic, but yes, I've been ghosted by a guy who was (supposedly) a very close friend.

    Nothing ever happened, no argument took place, no angry words were exchanged, no one moved to another city or got a new job or did anything life-changing.

    Just one day -- poof -- he disappeared. Defriended me on Facebook, stopped returning my calls, wouldn't answer emails. That was about a year and a half ago.

    Of course, I tried to find out what was wrong. I wanted to fix things, whatever it was.

    But he wouldn't respond. He does have something of a temper, and he does have issues, and my guess is that the problem has less to do with me than with whatever is going on with him.

    These things happen.

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    Feb 21, 2016 3:07 AM GMT
    Sounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 3:15 AM GMT
    MrFuscle saidSounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."


    We both used each other. I really cared about him though. It was fun while it lasted. I don't treat people like their disposable or replaceable though. Real friendship is not all about fun, it's about empathy, caring, and mutual understanding as well. A lot of people don't get this for some reason. Whatever. I'm growing jaded with people, most people in this day and age are narcissistic and vacuous "individuals" without a shred of integrity.
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    Feb 21, 2016 3:34 AM GMT
    renegay said
    MrFuscle saidSounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."


    We both used each other. I really cared about him though. It was fun while it lasted. I don't treat people like their disposable or replaceable though. Real friendship is not all about fun, it's about empathy, caring, and mutual understanding as well. A lot of people don't get this for some reason. Whatever. I'm growing jaded with people, most people in this day and age are narcissistic and vacuous "individuals" without a shred of integrity.


    What's the point of patting yourself on the back of not treating people like they are disposable when you have no problem emotionally using people who want to be romantically loved by you. I suggest instead of using this as an excuse to grow jaded you use it as a lesson that even when you are hurting everything isn't about you.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 3:41 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    renegay said
    MrFuscle saidSounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."


    We both used each other. I really cared about him though. It was fun while it lasted. I don't treat people like their disposable or replaceable though. Real friendship is not all about fun, it's about empathy, caring, and mutual understanding as well. A lot of people don't get this for some reason. Whatever. I'm growing jaded with people, most people in this day and age are narcissistic and vacuous "individuals" without a shred of integrity.


    What's the point of patting yourself on the back of not treating people like they are disposable when you have no problem emotionally using people who want to be romantically loved by you. I suggest instead of using this as an excuse to grow jaded you use it as a lesson that even when you are hurting everything isn't about you.


    You don't know what you're talking about. We were friends from the get go. There was never a chance we were going to be anything other than friends. I became emotionally needy, yes, but he became withdrawn as soon as he realized the friendship was never going to magically become something more. I never set out to manipulate his feelings. It just seems gay men can't be friends because there is always that sexual tension/element there.
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    Feb 21, 2016 3:47 AM GMT
    renegay said
    MrFuscle said
    renegay said
    MrFuscle saidSounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."


    We both used each other. I really cared about him though. It was fun while it lasted. I don't treat people like their disposable or replaceable though. Real friendship is not all about fun, it's about empathy, caring, and mutual understanding as well. A lot of people don't get this for some reason. Whatever. I'm growing jaded with people, most people in this day and age are narcissistic and vacuous "individuals" without a shred of integrity.


    What's the point of patting yourself on the back of not treating people like they are disposable when you have no problem emotionally using people who want to be romantically loved by you. I suggest instead of using this as an excuse to grow jaded you use it as a lesson that even when you are hurting everything isn't about you.


    You don't know what you're talking about. We were friends from the get go. There was never a chance we were going to be anything other than friends. I became emotionally needy, yes, but he became withdrawn as soon as he realized the friendship was never going to magically become something more. I never set out to manipulate his feelings. It just seems gay men can't be friends because there is always that sexual tension/element there.


    Did you tell him from the start you were friend zoning him. Its cruel to use someone as a shoulder to cry on when you know they want more, then turn around and flaunt the fact that you would rather be with someone else in their face. Just because you were friends doesn't mean you couldn't have become an item. Friendships can turn into more. A huge component of romantic love is vulnerability and intimacy. A close friendship can breed these things as well.
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    Feb 21, 2016 4:04 AM GMT
    Ha I will use this as an opportunity to vent.We have a friend in his early sixties.Extremely nice,single well mannered has a lovely apt.He was very nice to us inviting us to parties etc.We always went early to his parties and helped him set up,drove him to the market,brought nice gifts..wine etc.We drove him down to Asbury Park Nj a few times to hang out at the gay resort Paradise there cause he really like that.So last September.My fiancée and I were home on a Sunday.I said ya know what lets hop in the car and go down to Asbury for the day.So I posted on Facebook that we were going there and if anyone was nearby to call or text and we would meet them there.So a few weeks later I was calling and texting this older guy.No response.I figured his was busy or sick.Then after maybe 2 months I got the message and someone told us the reason.He was angry we did not invite him to come to Jersey with us that day.I was astonished.Does a couple have to invite all their friends when they decide to take a daytrip.Ridiculous.I even drove 20 min to bring this guy hot soup when he had the flu once.I am so furious about his behavior.Feel free to comment.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 4:17 AM GMT
    MrFuscle said
    renegay said
    MrFuscle said
    renegay said
    MrFuscle saidSounds like you were using the guy emotionally. You write as though he needed to hold you down like he was your man but didn't deserve the privilege. Yes I've had friends ghost on me. I think its the reality of the world we live in. Everyone is replaceable so why stick around if you aren't having fun. I told my only gay friend in Houston to fuck off because he would constantly tell me I was the only friend he had who encouraged him and didn't bring him down. Every time I asked to hang out with him he would not respond. He physically ghosted on me after getting his own place. When two other far less close friends ghosted me on my birthday I text him letting him know what happened. His response was, " fuck them how's, have fun by your self honey.". When I told him how amazed I was that he would consistently tell me how his other friends would mistreat him or bring him down yet he would spend time with them but not me his response was, "I never thought of it that way."


    We both used each other. I really cared about him though. It was fun while it lasted. I don't treat people like their disposable or replaceable though. Real friendship is not all about fun, it's about empathy, caring, and mutual understanding as well. A lot of people don't get this for some reason. Whatever. I'm growing jaded with people, most people in this day and age are narcissistic and vacuous "individuals" without a shred of integrity.


    What's the point of patting yourself on the back of not treating people like they are disposable when you have no problem emotionally using people who want to be romantically loved by you. I suggest instead of using this as an excuse to grow jaded you use it as a lesson that even when you are hurting everything isn't about you.


    You don't know what you're talking about. We were friends from the get go. There was never a chance we were going to be anything other than friends. I became emotionally needy, yes, but he became withdrawn as soon as he realized the friendship was never going to magically become something more. I never set out to manipulate his feelings. It just seems gay men can't be friends because there is always that sexual tension/element there.


    Did you tell him from the start you were friend zoning him. Its cruel to use someone as a shoulder to cry on when you know they want more, then turn around and flaunt the fact that you would rather be with someone else in their face. Just because you were friends doesn't mean you couldn't have become an item. Friendships can turn into more. A huge component of romantic love is vulnerability and intimacy. A close friendship can breed these things as well.


    Well I told him I wasn't attracted to him, and that I thought we worked best as friends. But alas, that wasn't enough.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 4:19 AM GMT
    WickedRyan saidHa I will use this as an opportunity to vent.We have a friend in his early sixties.Extremely nice,single well mannered has a lovely apt.He was very nice to us inviting us to parties etc.We always went early to his parties and helped him set up,drove him to the market,brought nice gifts..wine etc.We drove him down to Asbury Park Nj a few times to hang out at the gay resort Paradise there cause he really like that.So last September.My fiancée and I were home on a Sunday.I said ya know what lets hop in the car and go down to Asbury for the day.So I posted on Facebook that we were going there and if anyone was nearby to call or text and we would meet them there.So a few weeks later I was calling and texting this older guy.No response.I figured his was busy or sick.Then after maybe 2 months I got the message and someone told us the reason.He was angry we did not invite him to come to Jersey with us that day.I was astonished.Does a couple have to invite all their friends when they decide to take a daytrip.Ridiculous.I even drove 20 min to bring this guy hot soup when he had the flu once.I am so furious about his behavior.Feel free to comment.


    No, that sounds ridiculous. Why would he expect to be invited to a couple's retreat?

    What is wrong with people?
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    Feb 21, 2016 5:41 AM GMT
    Great thread. This just happened to me. A buddy who was a coworker and I both became pretty much best friends out here, he didn't know a lot of people, but both being originally from the east coast, we hit it off. Didn't hang out all the time as we each had other friends but we hung out a lot, did things, shared some holidays together, for about 2 years. 6 weeks ago he quits the place we worked at to go be closer to family. I don't hear from him for the 3 weeks he is out of work except if he needed something. I get a text that says he's at the airport just about to board and that I've been a friend and he's probably going to end up in NY. 2 weeks later I get a text saying i'm used as a reference for a job, and a couple of hours later I'm giving the company rep a glowing reference. Even though he ended up being a douche I wasn't going to sink him. The only other peep since was a call in the middle of the night and then a text saying sorry he butt dialed me. Can't understand what is wrong with people. Thanks for letting ME vent, my friends out here and coworkers just shake their heads.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 872

    Feb 21, 2016 7:02 AM GMT
    Yup. We do not own our friends, and yup, they CAN ghost us whenever they find fit. This is neither nice nor good nor positive in any sense of the word but yup, people can do this. And because they can, they do it, too.

    I believe that ghosting usually has little to do with the dude who is being ghosted. It has to do with the dissatisfaction and the desire to change the life felt by the guy who is ghosting you.

    It takes a lot of maturity and forgiveness to understand that this is really neither all about you nor about your friendship but much more about someone else who has decided to get out of his rut, and who mostly wrongly associates you and your friendship with that old rut and grind. The easiest way out seems to be by severing the old ties and starting with a clean slate.

    So, you do yourself a huge, big favor and learn how to shrug with your shoulders and move on, very quickly at that.

    SC

  • JayRVA

    Posts: 11

    Feb 21, 2016 12:07 PM GMT
    Well... I feel like I'm kind of notorious for unintentionally ghosting people. I'm a super introvert and finding the balance between interactions with people at work, friend circles and relationships can easily burn me out.

    I work with the media so I turn on my extrovert hat during my day job. So most week nights, I'd rather sit at home and read a book or go to the gym. I usually enjoy going out or traveling with close friends during my weekends. Most of the new people I meet think that me being busy all the time or not in the mood to go out is because I lost interest in them then they get mad at me, haha. That's usually an indicator that they're too much drama for me so I loose touch with them if they continue to be upset over my schedule.

    I tend to go out more and see my friends more frequently when work is consistent and I have some "down time" but if we have an event or crisis come up at work then I'm a hermit.

    I've tried forcing myself to go out to keep people happy although I was burnt out... That usually led to more alcohol on these excursions and I started to border the line of alcoholism (25-35 drinks a week). So I stopped drinking as much and now I take care of myself first before letting people guilt trip me into going out when I'm not in the mood to.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 5:00 PM GMT
    SilverRRCloud saidYup. We do not own our friends, and yup, they CAN ghost us whenever they find fit. This is neither nice nor good nor positive in any sense of the word but yup, people can do this. And because they can, they do it, too.

    I believe that ghosting usually has little to do with the dude who is being ghosted. It has to do with the dissatisfaction and the desire to change the life felt by the guy who is ghosting you.

    It takes a lot of maturity and forgiveness to understand that this is really neither all about you nor about your friendship but much more about someone else who has decided to get out of his rut, and who mostly wrongly associates you and your friendship with that old rut and grind. The easiest way out seems to be by severing the old ties and starting with a clean slate.

    So, you do yourself a huge, big favor and learn how to shrug with your shoulders and move on, very quickly at that.

    SC



    Really well said. Thanks.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 5:02 PM GMT
    JayRVA saidWell... I feel like I'm kind of notorious for unintentionally ghosting people. I'm a super introvert and finding the balance between interactions with people at work, friend circles and relationships can easily burn me out.

    I work with the media so I turn on my extrovert hat during my day job. So most week nights, I'd rather sit at home and read a book or go to the gym. I usually enjoy going out or traveling with close friends during my weekends. Most of the new people I meet think that me being busy all the time or not in the mood to go out is because I lost interest in them then they get mad at me, haha. That's usually an indicator that they're too much drama for me so I loose touch with them if they continue to be upset over my schedule.

    I tend to go out more and see my friends more frequently when work is consistent and I have some "down time" but if we have an event or crisis come up at work then I'm a hermit.

    I've tried forcing myself to go out to keep people happy although I was burnt out... That usually led to more alcohol on these excursions and I started to border the line of alcoholism (25-35 drinks a week). So I stopped drinking as much and now I take care of myself first before letting people guilt trip me into going out when I'm not in the mood to.


    Wouldn't call what you do ghosting. You just prefer spending time alone/cultivating personal interests. Which is good. I'm the same way, I've always been an introvert. I think it's good to nurture a few relationships though, whether it be with family or friends. You don't want to wake up one day to realize you're truly alone.
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    Feb 21, 2016 5:09 PM GMT
    The worst part is , you don't have any clue why he ghosted you ....
    You try to figure it out and it drives you crazy , i would rather have that person be upfront and said their piece ...
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 21, 2016 5:21 PM GMT
    neffa saidThe worst part is , you don't have any clue why he ghosted you ....
    You try to figure it out and it drives crazy , i would rather have that person be upfront and said their piece ...


    Exactly. You start to think, "Am I really that horrible?" But like SilverRRCloud said, maybe it's not all about you, and that person just needs a change.

    Still, I think "ghosting" someone is an incredibly immature thing to do, especially for a 46 year old man who had been messing around with men since the age of 15. Send me a text, tweet, Facebook message, something. People just don't know how to communicate anymore, which is ironic in this age of hyper communication. It's just passive aggressive and childish. It's weak and pathetic.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Feb 21, 2016 5:42 PM GMT
    hmm...I guess it has happened to me once, and recently, but not to the extent that the OP describes. I have never heard of being 'ghosted' until now.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ghosting
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    Feb 21, 2016 7:11 PM GMT
    A couple of years ago it was popular for therapists to tell people who were unhappy to get rid of their social circles and start over.

    I was ghosted by someone who I had been close to for years because of this, and his siblings told me what had happened. This was someone I had hung out with for ten years.

    Just my two cents,
    FloridaRugbyBear
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Feb 22, 2016 12:52 PM GMT
    There are certian times where we all need to be left alone, most of them for me are the same times where something life changing (negatively) happend in the past.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Feb 22, 2016 10:21 PM GMT
    Never heard the term "ghosted" before, but I had two close friends that did that to me because they didn't like a person I was interested in and I clapped back on them on how they think I should live my life. Lo and behold when I met this person they didn't like, I didn't know that I was about to go through a very rough patch from 2013 until just recently. I lost my job and they knew about it, fell behind in my bills, took a lower paying job to have something coming through, and I never asked them for help. Instead they decided to throw in my face who paid for a birthday dinner that I didn't even want to go to. I finally found a better job in May of 2014 and instead of wishing me well, they proceeded to try and tell me how I should act on my new job (I was at my previous job longer than both of theirs combined). We went from texting everyday to no reply from them at all when I contacted them one morning. Meanwhile the person they didn't like has been a rock from day one and it's been 3yrs going on. I reached out to them after I heard a lie that they told someone else about the fall out which was I stopped talking to them because of some man, which was not the case. Their united front was to respond with rude comments and more lies, but ignoring the points of the friendship. I told them to have a nice life and that was it. I deleted every thing connected to them.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Feb 23, 2016 1:47 AM GMT
    I had to ghost on a guy that I was friends with for a while. He got into a bad place and became homeless and lost his shit. Then he got into recovery and was slowly getting his stuff together. I was a good friend to him during this time, I'd meet him, listen to him, give him financial aid when I could, let him do laundry and buy hom meals. The aid ending up being a lot over time. I finally had to stop because I am not made of money. And I gave him lot's of opportunity to engage with me as just a friend. But he kept asking for money, sometimes desperately. He was in recovery at this point and sober, but life is tough and he had medical bills and other things and was trying to remain in subsidized living space.

    So I finally decided I had to cut all ties and I disappeared. It was tough for me, and I am sure it was tough for him. But he pushed me too hard, and was asking me for more than was fair. I do feel bad about it to this day, but still I think it was the right decision, he needed to not use other people as a crutch too, and to learn to respect their limitations.
  • Svnw688

    Posts: 3350

    Feb 23, 2016 4:42 AM GMT
    So a self-confessed prostitute flaked, and you don't understand why he failed to treat a social situation with class, tact, and finesse?

    I can't with this, I just, can't.

    This is like being surprised that a typical NASCAR fan doesn't know what to do with a finger-bowl when dining out. I'm not advocating for prissy things, or failing to keep it real, I'm simply saying people have 'lanes' and you shouldn't be surprised when they stay in theirs.
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Feb 23, 2016 10:53 PM GMT
    A friend who owed me money left the country and de-friended me on Facebook. I thought that was bizarre as we were good friends before. Then she just vanished

    #BBHMM
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    Feb 23, 2016 11:58 PM GMT
    Yes. By a couple of friends. And more disturbingly, by my father. When he divorced my mom he essentially divorced his kids, too. Very sad.