Doesn't it seem that...

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Feb 27, 2016 4:38 AM GMT
    the more interest you show in a guy*, the more distant he gets. Especially on apps like Tinder. Maybe gay dudes just have short attention spans? I don't get it.

    *I don't mean coming off desperate or needy, just attempting to get to know a guy by asking questions, giving compliments (maybe telling a guy he's gorgeous gasses his head up, I don't know, but I call it as I see it).

    So what's the tea? Why are gay dudes so flaky/non-communicative? I can't do it all, fellas, I'm gonna need you to meet me at least half way. I can't have a conversation with myself, hehe.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 27, 2016 5:59 AM GMT
    renegay saidthe more interest you show in a guy*, the more distant he gets. Especially on apps like Tinder. Maybe gay dudes just have short attention spans? I don't get it.

    *I don't mean coming off desperate or needy, just attempting to get to know a guy by asking questions, giving compliments (maybe telling a guy he's gorgeous gasses his head up, I don't know, but I call it as I see it).

    So what's the tea? Why are gay dudes so flaky/non-communicative? I can't do it all, fellas, I'm gonna need you to meet me at least half way. I can't have a conversation with myself, hehe.


    It's different for different people, of course; but you're sure right about one suspicion: Complimenting people very often doesn't work like you'd think it would. Some people will think you're just buttering them up for some malign purpose, other guys will be thinking "Eh, don't need another guy fixated on outward appearance," and when it's in person you might be embarrassing him in front of other people. And questions? Some people feel like they're getting pinned down when you ask a lot of questions; others haven't really thought about what you're asking, so they're uncomfortable trying to answer.

    So what's a person supposed to say? Right. In person or otherwise, mostly it's best to start out with something pretty vague or watered down, because really what you should be learning about at this point is how compatible your interpersonal attitudes are. Save heavier stuff for when you've already started to get a feel for how the other person reacts to things. Small talk serves a very good purpose . . .
  • Fireworkz

    Posts: 606

    Feb 28, 2016 1:00 PM GMT
    I'm more likely to respond to a guy who complements me. I'm not suspicious about it. I think it makes them seem open and generous and secure.

    With Tinder it doesn't matter whether you show interest or not. The app is designed as a game so the emphasis is on new connections rather than existing ones. It taps into people's curiosity.

    Also it depends on the city you're in. In big cities people are busy and they use it while doing something else so you are not having a proper conversation with them.

    I recall using Tinder in NY there was so much candy I was on it for a couple of hours just swiping. I only chatted to 2 people out of something like 30 matches.

    I think there's something off about how people interact by phone apps so I've deleted my apps for awhile. I feel I need a reset and to interact in the real world.

    But maybe call someone out on why they are not generating any conversation. Someone did this to me once and it made me more conversational.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2016 9:43 PM GMT
    Isn't avoiding genuine interaction the very purpose of apps like Tinder?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2016 10:17 PM GMT
    A vast majority of society are idiots. Tinder, Grindr, whatever-you will find many people to be solely able to focus on one thing. Shallow imbeciles are everywhere.
  • SilverRRCloud

    Posts: 871

    Mar 05, 2016 8:45 PM GMT
    renegay saidthe more interest you show in a guy*, the more distant he gets. Especially on apps like Tinder. Maybe gay dudes just have short attention spans? I don't get it.

    *I don't mean coming off desperate or needy, just attempting to get to know a guy by asking questions, giving compliments (maybe telling a guy he's gorgeous gasses his head up, I don't know, but I call it as I see it).

    So what's the tea? Why are gay dudes so flaky/non-communicative? I can't do it all, fellas, I'm gonna need you to meet me at least half way. I can't have a conversation with myself, hehe.




    Like you say, 'the more interest...' A good measure of things may be your problem here. A few dudes out there are somewhat paranoid, and run for the hills if you come too strong. They may see you as someone who has got a vested interest in manipulating them, so that you can achieve some of your evil goals.icon_rolleyes.gif Stupid as this may sound, many guys ARE paranoid.

    Giving compliments works wonders with some dudes, and is totally counterproductive with the others. A shy dude panics as soon as you start complimenting him in any way. And he, too, is likely to run for hills...

    Try to project a genuine, no-pressure dude image of yourself. You are going out for the coffees or something and would love to have some company to chat with. If it works, fine. If not, the next dude is round the corner anyway. Focus on the fun for both of you ahead, and not on the dude you will be meeting up with. This gives him a face-saving exit options, and increases his comfort level.

    Being too eager is deadly these days. It makes everyone believe that something must be wrong with you... Hence, keep your utmost cool.

    SC

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2016 10:43 PM GMT
    Fireworkz said... using Tinder in NY there was so much candy I was on it for a couple of hours just swiping. I only chatted to 2 people out of something like 30 matches...

    ha; eliminating the:
    off-shore accounts
    those just visiting temporary
    the multiple and or junk accounts
    the married men
    those just bla bla bla

    its just too easy to post something on line. luck you fond as many as you did.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 07, 2016 2:38 AM GMT
    He's playing hard to get or he's not into you or he's not interested completely or think you're a flake/weird.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 07, 2016 1:00 PM GMT
    I guess I'd be considered a flake, because I quit taking sites/apps seriously. When I first moved to NYC and was trying to meet people, I wasted a lot of time with people who showed a lot of interest but would never be willing to meet in person. The ones who came on the strongest, and had the most compliments, were the ones who never showed or would always have an excuse as to why they couldn't meet. So...I learned to keep conversation's brief till (if) we actually met in person.

    I recently had a 21-year-old contact me through mutual friends on Facebook. I didn't realize all of my personal information was available to my Facebook friends, and he showed up on my doorstep. Luckily my buzzer doesn't work so I didn't know he was there. I got a little worried because he's in the military as well. So I had to change all of my privacy settings and ignore him. Luckily he backed off. Experiences like that are another reason I've been wary of meeting people online.

    Don't take it too seriously and treat it like you would an online game like Words with Friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 11, 2016 6:41 AM GMT
    PhoenixNYC saidI guess I'd be considered a flake, because I quit taking sites/apps seriously. When I first moved to NYC and was trying to meet people, I wasted a lot of time with people who showed a lot of interest but would never be willing to meet in person. The ones who came on the strongest, and had the most compliments, were the ones who never showed or would always have an excuse as to why they couldn't meet. So...I learned to keep conversation's brief till (if) we actually met in person. .

    Don't take it too seriously and treat it like you would an online game like Words with Friends.


    Then you need to get off the app. This goes for everyone. If you're not taking phone apps seriously and it's just a game, don't complain abut your disappointments. You are a contributor to the problem. And what's worse is, you're contributing because the people you never even met before. We are responsible for making sure people meet us in a timely manner and that we don't waste our time carrying on with people who don't want to meet. That's a little hooker school 101 for you.

    if a person is unwilling to meet, you should know within a week. If I'm chatting with someone and they can't get around to meeting within a week UNLESS we've exchanged numbers already and they have a good explanation why with a offer for a later time...then move on.

    I echo fireworks assessment. He understands the very subliminal foundation of these sites, and I'm still learning it myself. I was reading an article online that explained it like, "some people will date you just to see if they can date you."

    You have the right idea as far as keeping conversation brief on the phone apps, but the missing element is you need to put effort into the conversation as well. The issue I am fine with a lot of apps, alot of guys come off very lazy and uninterested even if they are interested. 1 word responses to everything. Makes me feel like they're burnt out or just killing time. And for me I'll just wait till someone more interesting it's me who shows interest
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 11, 2016 2:35 PM GMT
    Have you ever wondered why often times there seems to be a shortage of highly coveted things on the market? There's psychology behind it: people covet merchandise that's in short supply or hard to get. For example, Hermes used to manufacture a very limited number of Birkin bags, and the wait list was astoundingly long. Yet, people waited years to get one, and they're willing to pay a minimum of $50,000 for it. The more challenging it is to get something, the more emotionally rewarding it is once you finally get it. It's an exceedingly effective mind fuck. Gay guys are clearly aware of this, so some take this to heart and play hard to get.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 11, 2016 5:58 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidHave you ever wondered why often times there seems to be a shortage of highly coveted things on the market? There's psychology behind it: people covet merchandise that's in short supply or hard to get. For example, Hermes used to manufacture a very limited number of Birkin bags, and the wait list was astoundingly long. Yet, people waited years to get one, and they're willing to pay a minimum of $50,000 for it. The more challenging it is to get something, the more emotionally rewarding it is once you finally get it. It's an exceedingly effective mind fuck. Gay guys are clearly aware of this, so some take this to heart and play hard to get.


    That's a good point and the concept is down right, but you can't compare gay men dating to fashion accessories. That's when stuff gets complicated. If that was the case, a guy would be like an iPhone6....as soon as he came on the block, everyone would want one and have one. And I mean everyone. Type unwithstanding. Unfortunently, the same people buying birkin bags aren't necessarily likely to be within the same commonality and reach as renegay.

    That said, he did say: *I don't mean coming off desperate or needy, just attempting to get to know a guy by asking questions, giving compliments (maybe telling a guy he's gorgeous gasses his head up, I don't know, but I call it as I see it)."

    This is normal. And I found out, you have to ask certain questions. I've had guys I met maybe once or twice...communicate with me by text for weeks, only to find out they were never even intending to try to meet again. And like fireworkz said, people use these apps like a game. To meet new, new, new and on to the next. It don't matter how limited supply you are, because before they met you, they were already treating it like a game
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2016 11:02 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    PhoenixNYC saidI guess I'd be considered a flake, because I quit taking sites/apps seriously. When I first moved to NYC and was trying to meet people, I wasted a lot of time with people who showed a lot of interest but would never be willing to meet in person. The ones who came on the strongest, and had the most compliments, were the ones who never showed or would always have an excuse as to why they couldn't meet. So...I learned to keep conversation's brief till (if) we actually met in person. .

    Don't take it too seriously and treat it like you would an online game like Words with Friends.


    Then you need to get off the app. This goes for everyone. If you're not taking phone apps seriously and it's just a game, don't complain abut your disappointments. You are a contributor to the problem. And what's worse is, you're contributing because the people you never even met before. We are responsible for making sure people meet us in a timely manner and that we don't waste our time carrying on with people who don't want to meet. That's a little hooker school 101 for you.

    if a person is unwilling to meet, you should know within a week. If I'm chatting with someone and they can't get around to meeting within a week UNLESS we've exchanged numbers already and they have a good explanation why with a offer for a later time...then move on.

    I echo fireworks assessment. He understands the very subliminal foundation of these sites, and I'm still learning it myself. I was reading an article online that explained it like, "some people will date you just to see if they can date you."

    You have the right idea as far as keeping conversation brief on the phone apps, but the missing element is you need to put effort into the conversation as well. The issue I am fine with a lot of apps, alot of guys come off very lazy and uninterested even if they are interested. 1 word responses to everything. Makes me feel like they're burnt out or just killing time. And for me I'll just wait till someone more interesting it's me who shows interest


    Actually, apps and smart phones weren't around when I was trying to meet people. I was newly single, in my 40s, and had moved from the Midwest to an urban gay area. I hadn't been online or looking for many years. I was very naive and gullible at the beginning. I was talking to people through web sites, chatting, or from meeting in person somewhere. The first person I ever met (whom I met at a bar) cancelled our date a half hour before. People I met in person would want to exchange phone numbers and then wouldn't call or wouldn't respond. When I realized it was all a game to them, I quit playing. After the first time of being stood up on a Saturday night with nothing to do, I always had a Plan B in case someone didn't show...i.e. I'd invite him to something I wanted to do and if he didn't show up I'd still get to do whatever it was I wanted (see a movie, go to an exhibit, etc.). I quit taking it personally and didn't allow it to hurt my feelings. And I learned a lot about people, too. One guy I liked was great till he tried to use the bathroom at Starbucks and they told him it was out of order. He went insane and started screaming at the employees and demanded the number of the manager. I left. I was actually trying to date another guy but something seemed off, so I told him I didn't think it would work out. He begged and pleaded with me for hours and I decided that okay, we'd try again and see where it goes. When I called him the next morning he told me he got back with his ex.

    I couldn't change any of their behavior...the only thing I could change was how it affected me. I didn't have to play their games. I learned what to look for in a guy and what qualities I liked. I learned how to find the warning signs in others. I also learned to be more objective and not internalize how they tried to treat me. Over time, I met better people and finally met someone I really liked, who didn't stand me up, enjoyed talking/chatting, and had a lot of depth.
  • RaulMoonPride

    Posts: 107

    Mar 14, 2016 1:08 PM GMT
    First things first, finding a real, mature, interesting, compatible and not-self centered guy in a HOOK UP app, is veeeeeeery rare. Try to date someone and be relaxed and dont put too much effort. I dont say apps are not worth a try, but they may be a waste of time. You are handsome man, with it seems a nice personality. Hope someone finds the treasure you are. ;)icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 14, 2016 6:48 PM GMT
    PhoenixNYC said
    FuzzyPecs28 said
    PhoenixNYC saidI guess I'd be considered a flake, because I quit taking sites/apps seriously. When I first moved to NYC and was trying to meet people, I wasted a lot of time with people who showed a lot of interest but would never be willing to meet in person. The ones who came on the strongest, and had the most compliments, were the ones who never showed or would always have an excuse as to why they couldn't meet. So...I learned to keep conversation's brief till (if) we actually met in person. .

    Don't take it too seriously and treat it like you would an online game like Words with Friends.


    Then you need to get off the app. This goes for everyone. If you're not taking phone apps seriously and it's just a game, don't complain abut your disappointments. You are a contributor to the problem. And what's worse is, you're contributing because the people you never even met before. We are responsible for making sure people meet us in a timely manner and that we don't waste our time carrying on with people who don't want to meet. That's a little hooker school 101 for you.

    if a person is unwilling to meet, you should know within a week. If I'm chatting with someone and they can't get around to meeting within a week UNLESS we've exchanged numbers already and they have a good explanation why with a offer for a later time...then move on.

    I echo fireworks assessment. He understands the very subliminal foundation of these sites, and I'm still learning it myself. I was reading an article online that explained it like, "some people will date you just to see if they can date you."

    You have the right idea as far as keeping conversation brief on the phone apps, but the missing element is you need to put effort into the conversation as well. The issue I am fine with a lot of apps, alot of guys come off very lazy and uninterested even if they are interested. 1 word responses to everything. Makes me feel like they're burnt out or just killing time. And for me I'll just wait till someone more interesting it's me who shows interest


    Actually, apps and smart phones weren't around when I was trying to meet people. I was newly single, in my 40s, and had moved from the Midwest to an urban gay area. I hadn't been online or looking for many years. I was very naive and gullible at the beginning. I was talking to people through web sites, chatting, or from meeting in person somewhere. The first person I ever met (whom I met at a bar) cancelled our date a half hour before. People I met in person would want to exchange phone numbers and then wouldn't call or wouldn't respond. When I realized it was all a game to them, I quit playing. After the first time of being stood up on a Saturday night with nothing to do, I always had a Plan B in case someone didn't show...i.e. I'd invite him to something I wanted to do and if he didn't show up I'd still get to do whatever it was I wanted (see a movie, go to an exhibit, etc.). I quit taking it personally and didn't allow it to hurt my feelings. And I learned a lot about people, too. One guy I liked was great till he tried to use the bathroom at Starbucks and they told him it was out of order. He went insane and started screaming at the employees and demanded the number of the manager. I left. I was actually trying to date another guy but something seemed off, so I told him I didn't think it would work out. He begged and pleaded with me for hours and I decided that okay, we'd try again and see where it goes. When I called him the next morning he told me he got back with his ex.

    I couldn't change any of their behavior...the only thing I could change was how it affected me. I didn't have to play their games. I learned what to look for in a guy and what qualities I liked. I learned how to find the warning signs in others. I also learned to be more objective and not internalize how they tried to treat me. Over time, I met better people and finally met someone I really liked, who didn't stand me up, enjoyed talking/chatting, and had a lot of depth.


    They should make this the permanent response when guys are confounded by apps. There are simply no shortcuts.