Bliss then abyss

  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Feb 29, 2016 3:05 AM GMT
    So here is the deal guys and thanks in advance for the help and advice! I met this guy online about a year ago and we went out on a few dates and about two weeks in he wanted to be official but I wasn't feeling it yet but wanted to continue seeing him. More time went by and we continued seeing each other and playing with each other and all seemed well and good. We would constantly message each other all the time and call each other cute names and send photos of ourselves, be it at work or sexy pics or whatever just anything. Then I started really falling for him but then he told me he was going to move to Fort Lauderdale and probably shouldn't get serious right now, we both lived in Northern VA at the time. I was upset but understood and went on just enjoying the time we had and we even had one last cute date out together the night before he left. So about 8 months was local and together and he moved to Fort Lauderdale in Nov. I didn't know what to expect but he maintained contact and we continued messaging like normal. I even went to spend a couple days with him in Jan and we acted like a couple the whole time. Then I had the where is this relationship going conversation, and he said I am not saying never I am just saying not right now along with I am just not settled down here yet and I won't hurt you trust me. So I told him ok I will wait for him, kinda assuming it was just him being responsible about getting everything worked out down there. Then all the sudden the trail went cold fast like I am so confused! I hadn't pushed the relationship since but all the cute names stopped, no more photo exchanges, I have to initiate, I ask about visiting again and he is like "I don't know when yet" ... I even asked him if was still interested and he just gives lame lukewarm answers like "sure why not" ... classic "he just isn't that into you" type stuff but after a year of whatever we were I am just shocked, confused, hopeful and a horrible combination of those sort of emotions. I'm just trying to let it go and maybe get in contact with him in about a month or something but it is just such a huge 180 and he isn't communicating to me about anything ... Like I would rather hear from him "Thanks but I think we need to move on" or "Hey I found someone here for my day to day life" 'cause this fade out thing is such lame closure but I want what we had so bad and I would be willing to do whatever, even relocate for him, but he clearly isn’t in the same boat.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2016 6:14 AM GMT
    Several possibilities, none of them what you want to hear. Maybe he went away with the best of intentions towards you, but, once gone, found he liked being unattached a whole lot; or he found someone else; or--and maybe this is the same to some degree as option 1--he felt suffocated by your strong feelings. Since you can never know for sure, and maybe he himself doesn't know for sure, it doesn't pay to pick through the dying embers looking for focused reasons. Just say to yourself, "Eh, so this one fizzled. Onwards and upwards!" Only thing to learn is maybe not to stake so much of yourself until later in a relationship. Sorry for the bump in the road, bud--but it sounds like you're already getting a handle on things! Take care.
  • badbug

    Posts: 800

    Mar 01, 2016 12:49 PM GMT

    People are selfish. He didn't find you as entertaining as he used to. Call it love or romance or chemistry or whatever you want, but in the end it's just basic entertainment.


    Why do you think you want closure? You have closure, you know what happened. He stoped liking you, the thing is though, he never really liked you. He just liked the way you made him feel at those moments in time and something changed. That's probably what you're really after, answers.....and he can't give you any, and he won't. He'll lie to you and probably himself and you'll most likely just cling to whatever you want to be true or are most afraid of being the "truth" depending on how you are wired.

    So you can see this as your fault, something you did wrong or something that is wrong about you....and try to fix those things so this doesn't happen again...and/or you can accept that this may happen again regardless of what you do, or learn from your closure.


    The person you knew is gone. This new person, is a different person. It sucks but that's kind of it. Don't drive yourself crazy, you will get wrapped up in somebody else soon enough or you'll realise why there really isn't any need to. Either way, you'll be somewhere that is both good and bad and you'll have new complaints that matter way more than what you were thinking and feeling feb.28,2016.

    Good luck. icon_smile.gif
  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Mar 01, 2016 3:23 PM GMT
    THammer saidSeveral possibilities, none of them what you want to hear. Maybe he went away with the best of intentions towards you, but, once gone, found he liked being unattached a whole lot; or he found someone else; or--and maybe this is the same to some degree as option 1--he felt suffocated by your strong feelings. Since you can never know for sure, and maybe he himself doesn't know for sure, it doesn't pay to pick through the dying embers looking for focused reasons. Just say to yourself, "Eh, so this one fizzled. Onwards and upwards!" Only thing to learn is maybe not to stake so much of yourself until later in a relationship. Sorry for the bump in the road, bud--but it sounds like you're already getting a handle on things! Take care.


    Thanks! I am working on it but it is just hard to not think about it and go "what happened? was there anything I can do? or I should have done differently." along with unfortunately the "I hope it comes back around" thing but both these lines of thought really are bad and counter productive to my healing, letting go and moving on ... however there they are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2016 4:47 PM GMT
    moving to another city is a big life change for your partner. While you were dating, texting you never talked about this with your partner.

    i see this your fault:
    Try the top down approach for conversations; how do you like your employ, how are your parents, who will you vote for, etc. I mean before you fall for someone.
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    Mar 01, 2016 5:34 PM GMT
    Men in general like variety and challenge. When those two things are gone, the relationship typically peters out. Ever wondered why men go after bitches? Perhaps it's time to move on.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Mar 01, 2016 5:55 PM GMT
    No one here can possibly guess what's going on in this other guy's head. But these things happen. For no apparent reason. We're supposed to learn that in 8th grade dating when the stakes aren't so high but we gay boys just usually hide during all that. So we learn later and it hurts more. I was dating a really nice guy for about a year and then one day, I just didn't love him the way I had before. I felt terrible about it but what can you do? My guess is your guy had some issues going on that prompted the move and now he thinks he wants to start fresh in a new city with a new life. That shouldn't mean he should lose you but sometimes these thing just get all balled up together in the mind.

    I hate to say it but your best option is to just say fuck him. Go have some meaningless sex to clear some of the cobwebs and be done with him. Fault doesn't enter into this. It just happened. No further communication will help in any way. Start forgetting.

    Sorry, man, I know it's painful.
  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Mar 01, 2016 7:34 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidNo one here can possibly guess what's going on in this other guy's head. But these things happen. For no apparent reason. We're supposed to learn that in 8th grade dating when the stakes aren't so high but we gay boys just usually hide during all that. So we learn later and it hurts more. I was dating a really nice guy for about a year and then one day, I just didn't love him the way I had before. I felt terrible about it but what can you do? My guess is your guy had some issues going on that prompted the move and now he thinks he wants to start fresh in a new city with a new life. That shouldn't mean he should lose you but sometimes these thing just get all balled up together in the mind.

    I hate to say it but your best option is to just say fuck him. Go have some meaningless sex to clear some of the cobwebs and be done with him. Fault doesn't enter into this. It just happened. No further communication will help in any way. Start forgetting.

    Sorry, man, I know it's painful.


    Thanks man I appreciate your words. It is hard and painful like things happen in my life and I am like I so want to text him about it and have it be like before ... but it isn't and remind myself and then don't message him... You are right ... No choice have to stop and let go just so disappointed and unfortunately still foolishly hopeful it will return ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2016 10:17 PM GMT
    Here is your understandable and good-hearted error:

    "So I told him ok I will wait for him, kinda assuming it was just him being responsible about getting everything worked out down there."

    Actions are much more important than words in reading someone's intentions. His actions said that he was comfortable being physically distant from you and his subsequent actions in pulling back from you confirmed that he wanted emotional distance as well. In the face of these actions his words to the contrary can only confuse.

    We all need to learn how to discern and accept reality despite our wish that things be different. The good thing about accepting reality as communicated in actions is that you are then able to assess the risks and benefits of your choices in the matter and knowingly decide which path to take.
  • interesting

    Posts: 570

    Mar 04, 2016 6:45 AM GMT
    I don't know if my advice is valuable since my dating life is akin to a virginal Mormon's. But from what I've gathered, I'm going to say that I am soooo much like this guy, and I understand this. Usually for me, distance does not make the heart grows fonder, it makes my heart grows colder, it makes me question things.

    My prediction: He IS REALLY INTO YOU!!! SO MUCH! But he just doesn't know if you've moved on or not (regardless of what you said to him), and he's afraid of you being the one to move on and leave him hurt in the dust. He would rather be the one to be in control and shuts it down (rather than being hurt when you do it), but wants you to say it, and later he would just tell himself this is all for the best.

    I understand because I am this type of guy, the early stage is blissful and cute texts and messages, but then with the distance, I become less frequently in touch and feign disinterest (I think I yearn for a guy to really want me) and if we break it off, I just shrugged and tell everyone that it wasn't really meant to be. But inside, I would be sad and think about the guy all the time (and sometimes a looooooong time), just doesn't have the courage to say it out loud to him, but I really really want him to reach out to me. I just need constant confirmations (yes a little needy). Man, baggage sucks!

    Whew, that was long to try to get my point across. Conclusion, don't give up on him, confront him, tell him how you feel, just say what you said on here. Let him know you miss what you guys had and ask him to explain why he was ghosting (is that the right way to use that?) you.
  • smegnificient

    Posts: 265

    Mar 04, 2016 7:26 AM GMT
    i sympathize, but can't help but realize that if you weren't white, that long rambling post would have been tl;dr'ed out of the room long ago. Btw, March would to be the absolute worst time to expect a gay guy in Ft Lauderdale to keep in touch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 04, 2016 1:05 PM GMT
    interesting said
    My prediction: He IS REALLY INTO YOU!!! SO MUCH! But he just doesn't know if you've moved on or not (regardless of what you said to him), and he's afraid of you being the one to move on and leave him hurt in the dust. .....
    Conclusion, don't give up on him, confront him, tell him how you feel, just say what you said on here.


    Totally disagree.

    In the absence of some compelling reason like a company transfer, moving away means he was dissatisfied with his life. One aspect of his life was your relationship. Figuring this out should not be difficult.

    The fact that he hasn't said so in so many words just means that he, like many others, has a hard time delivering the coup de grace. But actions speak louder than words.

    Do as he has done and find somebody or something else.

  • Rikku07

    Posts: 8

    Mar 05, 2016 2:50 AM GMT
    smegnificient saidi sympathize, but can't help but realize that if you weren't white, that long rambling post would have been tl;dr'ed out of the room long ago. Btw, March would to be the absolute worst time to expect a gay guy in Ft Lauderdale to keep in touch.


    Fort Lauderdale in general is a hard place to try and keep some kinda of LDR especially since he lives walking distance from the bars and such. I even addressed it early on and was like "I understand that you are surrounded by a highly gay area and have a lot of temptations" and was trying to open the door for the whole like "hey if it happens just let me know, I'll get it" kinda thing and he replied with "Being surrounded by a bunch of gay people doesn't mean anything, and I won't hurt you trust me." However that conversation occurred in Jan so essentially eons ago now. He even invited me to move in and live with him in Jan but timing was poor due to the fact I was working through job opportunities that some friends of mine offered in Syracuse, NY and Orlando, FL (both which were ultimately declined) on top of the fact that I didn't totally mesh well with his roomie when I saw him so I couldn't jump on my guy's offer right away but told him I'd look into it. After the Syracuse and Orlando things settled and I tried bringing up moving in with him again it all got side stepped and the decline in the relationship really hit.