Appreciation vs. Hate

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 08, 2007 4:13 PM GMT
    So I was leaving the gym this morning and a guy who works out there (also gay I believe) basically said that he could see some (good)physical changes in me and that I was looking good. It wasn't at all a come on, but just a compliment, and it got me to thinking how gay men/we don't do that enough with each other, in or out of the gym. It seems as though we're always sizing each other up rather than trying to help each other get better. (Not to be sexist but gay men can be VERY similar to women in that respect.) Anyway, it was nice and I wonder if you good looking guys on here are free with compliments to other men, have opinions about this, etc.

    Any feedback appreciated! XOXO
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16416

    Oct 08, 2007 5:03 PM GMT
    Interesting topic. I think it all boils down to self esteem, how comfortable one is himself and his ability/ desire to communicate. Part of the reason I decided to frequent this site is that there are men on here that are accomplished, professionally or physically and I can learn from them. Always give a sincere compliment if warranted and if you are aware that you are feeling green with envy, recognize it for what it is and deal with it honestly.
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    Oct 08, 2007 5:35 PM GMT
    Treat others as you would have others treat you.

    I rest my case. ... icon_biggrin.gif
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 08, 2007 5:44 PM GMT
    I think over half of the messages i send on here are words of appreciation and encouragement. I like to let people know that their efforts are recognized and motivational.
    I'm rather open about my relationship, so I'd hope they are taken as such.
  • Starboard

    Posts: 242

    Oct 08, 2007 6:03 PM GMT
    I don't think this is a gay thing. Gay or straight, most men are typically competitive with other men. Some guys (gay and straight) are very supportive of their friends and fellow gym members. On the other hand, some guys (gay and straight) only see other guys as competitors.

    Personally, I am probably not the type of guy that would just offer a spontaneous compliment to another guy in the gym (especially someone I don't know). I am very competitive and I will use other guys as motivation to work a little harder...I guess, in a way, that can be considered an "indirect compliment"?

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    Oct 08, 2007 11:43 PM GMT
    I regularly let people know (men and women) if I think they look great or have made strides since I first saw them. About a month or so ago, I complimented a woman at the gym, and I'll mention that she was an immigrant from India or Pakistan as there may have been something cultural going on, but, she cried. I'd told her that I noticed she'd lost a lot of weight since I'd first noticed her at the gym working her butt off and I thought she looked terrific. She told me I'd made her day and seconds later, I'd noticed she was crying. We were on eliptical machines next to each other. I asked if she was ok and she stopped working and told me how good it felt to be acknowledged for her effort. I noticed she was wearing a wedding band and imagine that perhaps she doesn't get anything like that at home in the way of praise. I haven't noticed her at the gym lately and I'm wondering if perhaps she said something to her husband that she shouldn't have, like "a man today at the gym complimented me". I have a good imagination, so, maybe it's just that. In any case, it always feels good to pass a compliment. I'm in admiration of so many people who I see are in some way exceptional, be it physically, intellectually, skillfully, or more importantly, with their sheer effort, despite whether or not a goal is reached.
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    Oct 09, 2007 1:27 AM GMT
    Jackal 69It seems as though we're always sizing each other up rather than trying to help each other get better.

    I was discussing this in private email with someone here in the last day or two. I do not understand what seems to be an absolute compulsion among gay men to continually comment on their friends' appearance.

    At lunch last week, one friend told me I looked good...but needed to trim my nose hair. Another informed me that my penis was very conspicuous in my shorts. Did I do that on purpose?

    As soon as I say, hey, I'm getting assessed. I've asked my friend who is the worst for this what the deal is and he replied, "I'm a corners and edges person. I always notice the little things."

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    Oct 09, 2007 4:29 AM GMT

    Many of us are very insecure about the way we look. We're too fat, too tall, too short, not cut enough, not a big enough penis... the list goes on. To be reassured by those we consider to be hot means a lot.

    Your comment makes it sound like you don't think that you're one of those hot guys. Believe me when I say that you are. Tight abs, shapely obliques, defined pecs, beautiful face. My friend, you have it all, physically.

    What matters to me more than anything is how I connect with another guy. There is a "je-ne-sais-quoi" about some men that attract me. They don't have to be cut and muscular or have a pretty face. It's a quality that one just cannot put his/her finger on.

    I want to be the kind of man that other men look up to, admire, and desire. I'm sure you are, but I really hope that you're working on the intellectual, spiritual, and social parts of yourself.

    You're a beautiful man, Jackal, be beautiful inside as well as outside.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2007 6:44 AM GMT
    I compliment people quite a bit. I never do it out of flattery, though... when I compliment someone, I'm always sincere about it. I never take it to the extreme, however, of telling someone their nose hair needs a trim or their penis is conspicuous. Hell, if they look good and their penis is conspicuous, I'm gonna quietly enjoy the show. icon_biggrin.gif

    I've had a few friendships that were close enough that we would discreetly let each other know if we had over-grown nose hair or left a zipper open or something like that, but in those cases, it was a mutual warning system we had to avoid any social faux pas.

    The last time I was a regular in a gym, the other guys there (most of whom were also gay) never offered advice, encouragement or any thing else... other than making me feel as if I were invisible. I always let it roll off of me, but it is nice when you're busting your ass to get in shape, for someone to comment on your progress... or to notice when your form is off and offer to help you correct it... or to even offer to spot for you if you need it. Its just being courteous to another human.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 09, 2007 10:58 AM GMT
    I'd compliment guys more
    but I'm afraid they'd take it the wrong way
    that they'd think I was opening myself up to have them come on to me
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    Oct 09, 2007 6:54 PM GMT
    RE: Sundown

    Thanks for the compliments! I actually think I'm a pretty good looking man though by no means do I take that "I'm one of the hot ones" attitude. Looks are nice and all but frankly, one of the least interesting things about me...too much focus on the externals makes one, well, boring. Quite frankly I find it abhorent when a nice looking man opens his mouth and garbage come out. Anyone can get a nice body if they're willing to work at's much more impressive if a man has a nice physique with an even nicer mind and spirit attached.

    I take a holistic approach to life and so "train" my mind, spirit, and body in equal measure. It works for me and I'd recommend it. There's nothing wrong with enjoying compliments from a man; I see, however, too many gay men and women who need the adulation to re-enforce a delicate self-esteem. My larger point was/is that as a community (albeit a very loose one), we would do better to try to build each other up rather than viewing each other as opponents.

    Anyway, good luck on your journey friend! icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 09, 2007 8:20 PM GMT
    I compliment anyone at the gym gay straight or elephant if I see they are achieving.

    Its the biggest motivational kick anyone can give you and costs nothing
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    Oct 09, 2007 8:35 PM GMT
    A personal trainer (he is gay) who uses the condo gym that I go to started complimenting me on the results of my working out within 2 weeks. He also said he admired my perserverance when I kept going to the gym despite a torn hamstring muscle. Even though I pride myself on being relatively impervious to others views of myself, I must admit I did get a bit "warm and fuzzy" with his comments, perhaps because I respect his viewpoint.

    I would like to provide more positive feedback to gay guys but sometimes feel they may take it the wrong way (i.e. that I am sexually interested in them, which I am not I am happily "married").
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 09, 2007 8:44 PM GMT
    heck most men are so impervious to even the blatest come ons that they only rarely get them when you slap your cock in their face anyway! icon_lol.gif
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Oct 09, 2007 8:48 PM GMT
    I usually assume the first two or three times I get a cock in the face that i'm in the way somehow...

    I understand straight people have similar issues, however I've always wondered what sort of issues we as a group must experience knowing even our friends are possible relationship material...

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    Oct 09, 2007 8:51 PM GMT
    being an ex straighty as many others are on here Id say the only ones with an issue about it are would be us ie those who are concerned it maybe an issue

    But if you start rubbing their inner thigh saying gosh thats a beaut I think they may get worried, or dang man your buns are loooookin hot hot hot