Lost...isolated...and afraid

  • Vivi_Carol

    Posts: 40

    Mar 06, 2016 8:21 AM GMT
    I- I've been feeling isolated lately. Really, really isolated. Maybe it started when I told my dad who I really was. I don't know... I feel alone, afraid and scared. This feeling of being gay... is tearing me to shreds. I'm always alone, I purposely shut out everyone around me. I feel alone in an empty cave everyday. Dark, but sometimes a day will come when I'll light the torch and see little light around me, but it'll never last long; as I'm back to feeling isolated. I feel like I don't fit in, nobody likes me, nobody will ever like me. I hate looking at myself. Anytime I see myself in the mirror, I cry. Because I'm so ugly. I don't even look at myself anymore. I refer to my reflection as the darker half. Just a shadow, filled with hatred and sorrow. I feel like I'm not worthy of being gay.
    Confusing. I guess that ties in with the hatred everyone feels towards me. I feel weaker for not succeeding in killing myself; when I tried sleeping on a bed of knives.

    Even sillier when I say it. I have no social skills; I can't talk to anyone, nobody wants to bother listening to me, nor would they care. I feel like a ghost with no spirit. Just floating around plaguing the world everyday as I exist. I don't enjoy anything in life. I just hate myself in everyday. I write long stories of how pointless, useless and horrible I am and how the world is in such a disaster because I'm alive. And the only way for that disaster to end, is if I leave this mortal coil. But there's something keeping me alive. Is there someone there that would care?
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    Mar 06, 2016 10:25 AM GMT
  • ASHDOD

    Posts: 1057

    Mar 06, 2016 12:21 PM GMT


    Its called DEPRESSION ,its a disease, go get treatment [psychology or/and psychiatric].
  • JackNNJ

    Posts: 1051

    Mar 06, 2016 2:27 PM GMT
    Go do something good for someone else today, without thought of reward. Do this at least once a day - forever.

    And stop writing those long stories - that exercise just keeps you in your own head and reaffirms/validates your perceptions. Those perceptions are not quite reality.
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    Mar 06, 2016 2:28 PM GMT
    It's depression, social anxiety, social awkwardness, etc. I've struggled all my life with social anxiety and that can lead to depression. I'm 6'1" and 220lbs so I understand about the feeling ugly. It's all related though you are a worrier and you like to try to predict the future.

    Best advice:

    Stop analyzing or worrying about what everyone thinks. It's hard to do but think of it this way, people are generally in their own little world to care about what you are doing.

    Accept yourself for who you are. I realized I don't really like being overly social I just don't need to be. I always got depressed because I thought I was supposed to be a certain way. With that said if you truly long to be more social you have to force yourself to do it. I was lucky that I met someone online who really helped me make it over the hump. We met in person after talking for awhile and the rest is history.

    Go to counseling. They may even recommend a support group.

    Good luck to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. Start thinking positively.
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    Mar 06, 2016 2:43 PM GMT
    zoltar said I'm 6'1" and 220lbs so I understand about the feeling ugly.


    Que?
    What?

    Sounds like good stats to me.

    6'1" 220 lbs is ugly. That is too funny.

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    Mar 06, 2016 2:49 PM GMT
    StephenOABC said
    zoltar said I'm 6'1" and 220lbs so I understand about the feeling ugly.


    Que?
    What?

    Sounds like good stats to me.

    6'1" 220 lbs is ugly. That is too funny.



    Thanks, uhm I guess. How come it always seems like if you aren't 180 no matter how tall you are considered large by gay standards?
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    Mar 06, 2016 4:11 PM GMT
    Vivi_Carol said
    I write long stories of how pointless, useless and horrible I am and how the world is in such a disaster because I'm alive. And the only way for that disaster to end, is if I leave this mortal coil. But there's something keeping me alive. Is there someone there that would care?

    Now for one of my own very long stories. You mention not being able to look at yourself in the mirror. For years neither could I, because I despised how I looked, hating myself for being cursed with ugly looks. And the world's worst smile, that I still have.

    I kept no mirrors except a small, obligatory bathroom one to cover the medicine cabinet. When I shaved I took my glasses off and got real close to see clearly. I could make out the parts I was shaving but not my whole face.

    When I combed my hair or did my tie, and had to stand back with glasses on, I trained my eyes to focus on only that task, and was aware of nothing else about my appearance. Like a vampire, mirrors were my enemy and I avoided them. And it got even worse after a motorcycle accident that further disfigured my face.

    Likewise I was so painfully shy I couldn't pronounce my own name. If I had to introduce myself I'd mumble "Robber" instead of "Robert", swallowing back the "t". People would cruelly ask me: "Are you a robber, like a thief?" And then I'd be rendered practically mute for the remainder of the encounter. So I renamed myself "Bob" which I could say clearly, what I still use today.

    I had only a few school friends. My main weekend activities were solo long-distance bicycle riding on one of the new derailleurs (still a novelty in the US in 1962), playing tennis matches against strangers at the club, along with solo swimming there.

    That changed in my late teens as I began motorcycling, finding guys who also rode bikes. And who camped, and canoed, fished, hiked, loved the outdoors as I did. Basically solitary pursuits you could do with someone else alongside, an odd contradiction. Some grew to hate my constant babbling, because in a friendly environment I was able to express myself for the first time to others.

    The big change came with joining the Army. Where it was mandatory that I interact with many strangers. And where I think maybe my withdrawn behavior was mistaken for commanding aloofness in military minds, and I was quickly put in charge of things, first time I'd ever been in charge of anything in my life. Gawd help the US Army!

    So I got along pretty well for 25 years, fairly successful & happy. But still thought I was ugly as sin. But hey, in the Army that scares the recruits and the enemy both, right? Might as well put it to good use. LOL! Until my next big change, when I retired and came out gay.

    And suddenly in gay clubs I'm being told how handsome I am. Me? Really? Well, I can figure out what YOU want, buddy, you're a bit too obvious. But maybe in a moment of weakness & vanity I can believe my appearance really has changed during all those years. What's ugly in a boy can be "character" in an older man. Plus I guess you've learned how to wear it a little better.

    So what about you? Take up motorcycling & canoeing? Join the Army? Wait 30 years like I hadda do? Probably not. But what my story means is this:

    You aren't the first, and you aren't alone. You can overcome it, and it can pass. This is not a permanent condition.

    What you do need is some courage, and the strength to continue when things look bleak. And maybe a little boost and encouragement with some professional help, as suggested here, to get you back on the tracks.
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    Mar 06, 2016 4:19 PM GMT
    Vivi_Carol said
    I write long stories of how pointless, useless and horrible I am and how the world is in such a disaster because I'm alive. And the only way for that disaster to end, is if I leave this mortal coil. But there's something keeping me alive. Is there someone there that would care?

    Now for one of my own very long stories. You mention not being able to look at yourself in the mirror. For years neither could I, because I despised how I looked, hating myself for being cursed with ugly looks. And the world's worst smile, that I still have.

    I kept no mirrors except a small, obligatory bathroom one to cover the medicine cabinet. When I shaved I took my glasses off and got real close to see clearly. I could make out the parts I was shaving but not my whole face.

    When I combed my hair or did my tie, and had to stand back with glasses on, I trained my eyes to focus on only that task, and was aware of nothing else about my appearance. Like a vampire, mirrors were my enemy and I avoided them. And it got even worse after a motorcycle accident that further disfigured my face.

    Likewise I was so painfully shy I couldn't pronounce my own name. If I had to introduce myself I'd mumble "Robber" instead of "Robert", swallowing back the "t". People would cruelly ask me: "Are you a robber, like a thief?" And then I'd be rendered practically mute for the remainder of the encounter. So I renamed myself "Bob" which I could say clearly, what I still use today.

    I had only a few school friends. My main weekend activities were solo long-distance bicycle riding on one of the new derailleurs (still a novelty in the US in 1962), playing tennis matches against strangers at the club, along with solo swimming there.

    That changed in my late teens as I began motorcycling, finding guys who also rode bikes. And who camped, and canoed, fished, hiked, loved the outdoors as I did. Basically solitary pursuits you could do with someone else alongside, an odd contradiction. Some grew to hate my constant babbling, because in a friendly environment I was able to express myself for the first time to others.

    The big change came with joining the Army. Where it was mandatory that I interact with many strangers. And where I think maybe my withdrawn behavior was mistaken for commanding aloofness in military minds, and I was quickly put in charge of things, first time I'd ever been in charge of anything in my life. Gawd help the US Army!

    So I got along pretty well for 25 years, fairly successful & happy. But still thought I was ugly as sin. But hey, in the Army that scares the recruits and the enemy both, right? Might as well put it to good use. LOL! Until my next big change, when I retired and came out gay.

    And suddenly in gay clubs I'm being told how handsome I am. Me? Really? Well, I can figure out what YOU want, buddy, you're a bit too obvious. But maybe in a moment of weakness & vanity I can believe my appearance really has changed during all those years. What's ugly in a boy can be "character" in an older man. Plus I guess you've learned how to wear it a little better.

    So what about you? Take up motorcycling & canoeing? Join the Army? Wait 30 years like I hadda do? Probably not. But what my story means is this:

    You aren't the first, and you aren't alone. You can overcome it, and it can pass. This is not a permanent condition.

    What you do need is some courage, and the strength to continue when things look bleak. And maybe a little boost and encouragement with some professional help, as suggested here, to get you back on the tracks. Not all of us were born GQ models. In fact, not most of us. Force of character can carry you as far as force of looks.
  • nice_chap

    Posts: 274

    Mar 06, 2016 4:31 PM GMT
    zoltar said I always got depressed because I thought I was supposed to be a certain way.


    I've felt this way myself. I was at a stage where I was feeling like "I'm at this age, i should be doing this and doing that and I should have done more of this and less of that and now it's too late for me to make up for any of it."

    And things don't always turn out how we might have hoped they would. But that doesn't mean we have to feel badly about it.

    It helped me a lot to speak with a professional psychologist, because she was trained to help people overcome their negative feelings. Speaking to friends and family members did not help me, because even though they had good intentions, they would say stuff like "there's nothing wrong with you, snap out of it" or "there there, you'll be fine."

    The psychologist didn't just fob me off with words to make me feel better, she would listen to my problems and give explanations for why I was having certain thoughts and feelings, and she gave me activities to do to help give me a sense of achievement and feel more positive about my life.

    So seeking psychological support is not a bad idea. It will help you become more accepting of your current situation, and eventually you'll find a way to overcome these negative feelings and move on in your own way.
  • Sincityfan

    Posts: 409

    Mar 06, 2016 7:30 PM GMT
    Story of my life...minus the borderline self-gay loathing.

    I'll talk/listen. if you ain't trolling. We probably live a few miles away.
  • Vivi_Carol

    Posts: 40

    Mar 06, 2016 8:16 PM GMT
    Its really hard to try and love myself knowing all the troubles and failures I've had in life. I tried to this morning. Looking at myself; it didn't work. I hurt my hand punching the mirror, now that's broken. And my hand's cut... But I could try again later. Maybe I'll get further.
    No I am not in any therapy or group. Never have and never can. Those services want money. And its hard to talk to someone who charges an hourly rate.
    But there are lots of kind words here, I'll take that and try seeking it. If I can find the strength to escape what holds me back. But that is up to me.
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    Mar 06, 2016 8:58 PM GMT
    Vivi_Carol saidIts really hard to try and love myself knowing all the troubles and failures I've had in life. I tried to this morning. Looking at myself; it didn't work. I hurt my hand punching the mirror, now that's broken. And my hand's cut... But I could try again later. Maybe I'll get further.
    No I am not in any therapy or group. Never have and never can. Those services want money. And its hard to talk to someone who charges an hourly rate.
    But there are lots of kind words here, I'll take that and try seeking it. If I can find the strength to escape what holds me back. But that is up to me.



    Dear young Millennial,

    Don't fear. Twenties are turbulent and a time you learn about yourself and the world. If you've fallen, stand up and dust off and put your best foot forward. Act successful, dress your self in positive affirmations daily.

    That post-it tells me I CAN DO ANYTHING!! So can you.

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    Mar 06, 2016 9:41 PM GMT
    OP,

    Sounds like you are in a dark place and you may want to talk to a consular or other professional. You could talk to the pastor at my church but I don't know about your church.

    Life gets better later but its difficult being 20.

    Movies and stories set you up saying, "come out and life will be great." Sadly many people are not as accepting as people on TV and the Gay community isn't as altruistic as you might hope. People will faun on you if they find you attractive, hoping to get you into bed, and snub you if you are not.

    Its very painful if you come out and alienate yourself from family and old friends, only to then be rejected by the Gay community. The Gay community has very strict rules about how you look, dress, worship, vote, etc. and does not tollerate men who fail to meet standards. As on overweight, Gay, Christian who majored in Math I should know.

    My experience at your age may have been similar. I did not have access to other Gay men until I transfered to a big state university at age 21, by which time I was already too old looking and too poor to be stylish enough for most of the twinks in the LGBT student organization. I was not treated kindly. You can't look to most other Gay men for emotional support: they are too self absorbed.

    Life gets better and be well,
    FloridaRugbyBear

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    Mar 07, 2016 1:18 AM GMT
    JackNNJ saidGo do something good for someone else today, without thought of reward. Do this at least once a day - forever.

    And stop writing those long stories - that exercise just keeps you in your own head and reaffirms/validates your perceptions. Those perceptions are not quite reality.


    It can be really hard to connect with people when your mind is in this space.
    I've learned that volunteering can be a great way forward... You contribute something positive and you can meet some good people. You are not 'pressured' to socialize as you have work to do...but you can get to talk with others as you go.

  • Vivi_Carol

    Posts: 40

    Mar 07, 2016 1:42 AM GMT
    I knew I wasn't worthy of being gay. to be gay and accepted I'd have to completely change myself. I can't write stories anymore. I can't read the stories I write, I have to read... other books... I can't level build because apparently that's too boring. my hobbies are not "gay enough". I don't play sports. Sports don't interest me. I knew I wasn't worthy of being gay, but I didn't know I was too boring to gay too! Maybe I can call it a different word. One that is me: I'm Vivi. I guess that's better, new word, same meaning. But this way people won't know what I'm referring too.
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    Mar 07, 2016 1:56 AM GMT
    I woke today, I was crying
    Lost in a lost world
    So many people are dying
    Lost in a lost world
    Some of them are living an illusion
    Bounded by the darkness of their minds

    Everywhere you go you see them searching
    Everywhere you turn you feel the pain
    Everyone is looking for the answers
    Well look again, come on my friend
    Love will find us in the end
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    Mar 07, 2016 2:04 AM GMT
    Seek the guidance of a mental health pro. They will help you with your self acceptance issues, and your self induced depression from those self acceptance issues.

    Understand, it's YOU making YOU miserable, but, you very well may not be able to help yourself.

    Go get help to become adjusted to who you are, and learn to like yourself with a full name, smiling face, handshake, and smile.

    Don't wait. Get off the computer, and into a clinical setting.
  • Vivi_Carol

    Posts: 40

    Mar 07, 2016 2:21 AM GMT
    gudgelcl saidSeek the guidance of a mental health pro. They will help you with your self acceptance issues, and your self induced depression from those self acceptance issues.

    Understand, it's YOU making YOU miserable, but, you very well may not be able to help yourself.

    Go get help to become adjusted to who you are, and learn to like yourself with a full name, smiling face, handshake, and smile.

    Don't wait. Get off the computer, and into a clinical setting.


    You think that service is free? I have no money to see any professional.And as I mentioned before. How can that professional really care when they charge an hourly rate?? Without just throwing me into taking drugs and think everything will be better. No, I wouldn't never take a drug to feel better. Like taking meth to make you feel better about yourself.

    Now I understand why I was keeping all this bottled up inside me.
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    Mar 07, 2016 2:31 AM GMT
    http://preventsuicide.lacoe.edu/
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

    1-800-273-TALK or
    1-800-273-8255

    Trevor Lifeline - LGBTQ

    1-866-488-7386

    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
    Our trained counselors are here to support you 24/7. If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call the Trevor Lifeline now at 866-488-7386.

    http://www.opencounseling.com/category/counseling/counseling-agencies/location/ca/los-angeles/
    Free and Low Cost Counseling in Los Angeles, CA

    The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center

    7051 Santa Monica Boulevard
    Los Angeles, California 90038
    United States


    The staff and volunteers of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's Mental Health Services Department specialize in affordable psychotherapy for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. We offer counseling in a safe and welcoming environment for people of all cultures, ethnicities and sexual orientations. ...more

    The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center

    1625 N. Schrader Boulevard,
    Los Angeles, California 90028
    United States


    The staff and volunteers of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's Mental Health Services Department specialize in affordable psychotherapy for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. We offer counseling in a safe and welcoming environment for people of all cultures, ethnicities and sexual orientations. ...more

    http://www.opencounseling.com/the-la-gay-and-lesbian-center-30869.html
    The staff and volunteers of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's Mental Health Services Department specialize in affordable psychotherapy for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. We offer counseling in a safe and welcoming environment for people of all cultures, ethnicities and sexual orientations.
  • Vivi_Carol

    Posts: 40

    Mar 07, 2016 3:57 AM GMT
    Good resources, I wrote them all down.
    I guess its safe to say, I want to be alone. I can't connect with people in this world. Things were better when I was quiet, but now that I've spoken out, it feels like a constant pain all over. Like have something worse to worry about. There was the reason I was so hesitate about saying anything here. I new it wasn't right for me to do it, knowing I wasn't going to take the advice. I know, stubborn I am. Everyone is so confident and comfortable who they are. I'll never feel that way. I must wait for the worst to happen before any "change" may happen.

    I am sorry for wasting your, and everyone else's time, you all gave so much good advice and I refused to take it. Shameful for I to do so, but I have thing of doing that.
  • Unnamed6

    Posts: 1132

    Mar 07, 2016 4:47 AM GMT
    Vivi_Carol did you ever do someone wrong?
  • Wendigo9

    Posts: 426

    Mar 07, 2016 5:45 AM GMT
    Don't feel so alone man, I've had my time of feeling like that before, hell I'm sure half of all these guys here have been too.

    First time coming out, you tend to feel insecure and want to be left alone, but don't turn suicidal or let someone convince you to go tranny. Take that time alone to breathe, clear your head, and let others accept you at their own pace.

    You're not alone here, consider RealJock a safe haven, talk to any of us who offer to help, you're among friends.
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    Mar 07, 2016 1:09 PM GMT
    Vivi_Carol said Everyone is so confident and comfortable who they are. I'll never feel that way. .


    No, everyone has learned to APPEAR confident and comfortable with who they are.

    Most of us harbor the sense of fear and inadequacy the OP talks about.
    But from experience we learn to mask it. We also find from overcoming the challenges of life that we are in fact capable beings. But the insecurity never goes away altogether.
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    Mar 07, 2016 1:19 PM GMT
    I want you to know that I care--you may not believe it, but I HONESTLY CARE. I'm sure others do, too. Despite the many evil things that people around the world do every single day, there are people who genuinely care about other human beings--they feel their pain, they pray for them. I feel you, I see you, and I'm praying for you.